Fanfiction of the Month (January): Darkness In My Heart

[emoBill™]

I like that song ^_^ This is another one of my coughsomewhatfamouscough one-shots, so here it is:

Darkness In My Heart​

I stand alone on the rock that houses me. I am standing on the top of the cave, as one knows how it is hollow inside and thick on the top. The cave has always been my home, and I'm not about to leave it. There is something about it that feels like home to me, even though I just moved here on another futile attempt to run from the humans who hunt me down for many of my characteristics. Legendary. What a stupid word, yet humans take it quite seriously.

I look to the moon, seeing it tower over me. It is beautiful tonight, with the white glow streaking its white rays over me and making me feel at home. My fur blazes brightly, though, and that alone ruins the aspect of the moon's glow. My fur is what many people would consider my trademark, but I think it's just another excuse to hunt me down.

The moon bathes me in its light, and I dig deep in my throat and let loose a howl, one that sends shivers down anyone's spine who is close enough to hear it. This includes a very wide range of people, so probably everyone hears it, wondering if it is me, or another Pokemon they have so sadly mistaken for me. They don't know my growl from another Pokemon, so it is very easy to trick them. But then they know I am here, and continue hunting me. They know I'm here, but due to their weak human eyes they cannot see me as well as most Pokemon can.

I have incredible eyes that can see a mountain fifty feet away and identify each of the flowers on it and the Pokemon scurrying across it. Rattata, the small purple rats with white underbellies. They taste good, but I don't want to hunt any tonight. It would be too dangerous. They are running across the mountain near the human establishment, so I cannot hunt any.

I shift my four legs, and look out at the stars. I whisper to them, Please come and take me away from this nightmare of our planet. I whine out, I need you to do this for me, please take me away...

But there is no answer from them again, like every night. Far away are the lights of a human building, a hotel. Somewhere where humans decide to stay when they are traveling. The lights are faint, but to me they are as bright as the sun. My eyes magnify things by many times, so the light blinds my vision. I sigh, and pace on my cave, wondering what to do.

Will they catch me? Or will they fail? I don't know, but I can only hope they do not catch me.

I am very, very hungry. There is no food around, but I must eat or I will starve. I have gone four days without food or water, as a Pokemon's life is not limited to just three days without water making it die. For Pokemon it is seven. A week. I need food and water, and now. I cannot hold it off much longer.

I leap from the cave, and run through the forest with amazing speed. No other Pokemon can match it; I am the fastest Pokemon alive on land. There is nothing that can take me on in a race. I look to my left, my right, nothing. There is nothing I can use for food.

And then, I stop. Just like that. No sliding along the ground as I screech to a halt. One minute I am speeding through the forest, and the next I am completely still. I twitch my ears to catch a sound that seems to be coming from the left. I whip my head around and track the small Pokemon that is enjoyingly munching on leaves.

Legendary, I think again. Why do they call me that? I may be a legendary Pokemon, but I do not like it. I do not wish to be legendary.

My eyes focus on that green Pokemon. I know that if I kill it I will face dire consequences. And that's what I want.

My eyes are locked onto the target. The small green fairy-like Pokemon spreads its tiny wings and flies to another berry. A daughter of one of the other legendaries. Its head is large and the end is pointed. Two antennae are sticking out of its head, and its hands and legs are tiny. A Celebi. Easy to catch, hard to relive the consequences if I thought what was going to happen would happen.

Lightning quick, I flash toward it. My paws just...leap. I don't even mean to, and they do it. I leap around five feet. Five feet? No problem.

I open my mouth, and fire spins from it like a whirlwind. It hits the little creature off guard, and she is caught within the fire whirlwind. Burns are left on her skin. They look bad, and I know she can die from them. Good, that's exactly what I wanted. I open my mouth again and streams of fire let loose from it, this time a large ball of fire, engulfing the Celebi and she screams...a terrible sound, a wailing.

I keep at it. Ignoring the Celebi's screams for help, I empty my fire sacs, and then stand over the Celebi. It lies on the ground, holding up one arm for defense. Its skin is burnt beyond belief; hardly any of it is recognizable as it now looks like a black pile of ash. It starts crying, and tears roll onto the ground as I lift one paw.

Extending my claws, I dig into Celebi's flesh. The blood flies as I dig one front paw after another into it, hearing its screams and smiling. It is finished, I tell the little creature, and start to lick its blood.

But then a glow erupts, and another appears. This one is older, and recognizable by the green aura that shines around her. Her voice is booming, screaming through my head like my father did when I was young.

What have you done? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? I trust you with this position and you throw it away! she screams.

Good, I say. I never wanted to be a legendary.

Celebi waves her arms in a mystifying trance-inducing action. You shall not only lose your position as legendary. You shall also be given a lifelong enemy. and one of the yellow foxes that I have been friends with appears. She has nine long tails, each tipped with orange and they are waving back and forth. Her eyes are red and she has a large comb that folds back over her head. She looks at me with a deadly furious gaze.

Celebi disappears, and Ninetales, the fox, starts chasing me. I shall never be free....

Fallen from my position...

Given an enemy so much stronger than me...

I am Arcanine.
~*~

How'd you like? Yeah, a little gory...but whatevr ^_^

 

[IceKing]

Interesting fanfiction, definetely not bad. I suppose you got the idea for the fic when you saw that Arcanine has a title of "Legendary" even though it's not a technical legendary pokemon... I have no problem with gory, I kinda wish you made the Celebi death scene MORE gory and frightening. That was my favorite part. I thought there was only one Celebi though, and she's super powerful like Mew and Jirachi? I'm lenient with poetic liscence or whatever that is though.. Interesting also how Arcanine was sick and tired of being hunted down by humans because of his legendary status, so he kills a Celebi in order to get his legendary status removed. Although, there is a major difference between Arcanine and the other legendary pokemon, Arcanine is a common pokemon and has a prevolution, unless around this time he was the only arcanine. I don't really like Ninetails being his enemy, because they're kind equal in strength whereas you say Ninetails hunts down the Arcanine. Another thing I have to ask about is the time period, if their were hotels in this time, that would mean that Arcanine was downgraded in contemporary times and that would think it was done a while ago but then again the reason he is downgraded is because humans hunt him. As for the actual writing, it was good and you did the first person perspective well. It could have been better, don't really have any actual suggestions. Kind of like saying you can make a pepporoni pizza taste better but not really have anything wrong with the actual pizza.

Overall: Pretty good premises and execution. 7/10

 

[emoBill™]

YAYNESS! Someone replied! *explodes*

I suppose you got the idea for the fic when you saw that Arcanine has a title of "Legendary" even though it's not a technical legendary pokemon...

Yes, that's where I got it from. I have always been fascinated by the way Arcanine's title is even legendary (Arcanine: Legendary Pokemon for the Pokedex) and wanted to know how that could have happened when he is now just a regular Pokemon. So, I wrote this.

I have no problem with gory, I kinda wish you made the Celebi death scene MORE gory and frightening.

Number one, I thought it was not gory enough too...but my mom reads over my stories and if I had made it super bloody she would've banned me from the computer.

I thought there was only one Celebi though, and she's super powerful like Mew and Jirachi?

There are many Celebi, as shown in Pokemon4Ever, where all the Celebi appear, and there has to be more since all the periods of time have to be guarded. She's not all too powerful, since she was taken down by a Houndoom and a Sycther. The only actual power she has is bringing eggs back from the future/past, and going through time.

Interesting also how Arcanine was sick and tired of being hunted down by humans because of his legendary status, so he kills a Celebi in order to get his legendary status removed.

Well, right in some ways, and wrong in some. He was sick of his legendary status, and he wanted to remove it, but he didn't necessarily want to kill Celebi. It was merely the first Pokemon that came in sight, like if it had been a Raticate he would've done the same (actually that was my first idea).

Although, there is a major difference between Arcanine and the other legendary Pokemon, Arcanine is a common pokemon and has a prevolution, unless around this time he was the only Arcanine.

In that time, Growlithe did not exist. After he was removed as a legendary, he started reproducing with a female Arcanine (as there were several, one Arcanine's actions brought them all down from their legendary status, like there are several Latias and Latios, and several Deoxys), and that's how it came. He got a prevolution like all the other Pokemon, making him even more down-to-earth.

I don't really like Ninetails being his enemy, because they're kind equal in strength whereas you say Ninetails hunts down the Arcanine.

I've heard on several occasions that since Ninetales are psychic and hunt down evil spirits they go after the Arcanine because they are supposedly a symbol of death. So, that's where that came from. Arcanine is now somewhat equal in strength, but he cannot ever be caught or the Ninetales will give him slow and painful death since she's psychic and all...

Another thing I have to ask about is the time period, if their were hotels in this time, that would mean that Arcanine was downgraded in contemporary times and that would think it was done a while ago but then again the reason he is downgraded is because humans hunt him.

I didn't get that ^^;

As for the actual writing, it was good and you did the first person perspective well.

Thank you!

It could have been better, don't really have any actual suggestions. Kind of like saying you can make a pepporoni pizza taste better but not really have anything wrong with the actual pizza.

HOW'D YOU FIND OUT ABOUT MY DOMINO'S COMPLAINT? Oh..wait..never mind ^^;

This was my first present tense persepective thing. So, it mighta sounded weird, but go easy on me ^_^ I'll be making a lot more, I love one-shots.

~RL

 

[Taemin]

That was really good. Not bad at all. I liked the idea of Arcanine being Legendary, thats one of my favorite Pokemon.
The way you wrote the fic was awesome, the perspective was neat, it was sad though. Poor Arcanine, and the Celebi death scene was rather interesting. I don't think of Pokemon as being that morbid, so it was amusing. ^^; Great job.

 

[emoBill™]

Thank you! *explodes again*

Tekirai the person who usually turns into a Latias hybrid: My, that was an amazingly long explanation. Anyway, we're RL's "alter egos"...
Mushra: I'm not an alter ego, I'm just cute!
Tekirai: *bangs Mushra with a pan* Shut up. And I'm not a ripoff of katfish Xx's Tekirai, I'm just cool.
Mushra: *bangs Tekirai with a pan* You sure sound like her to me.
Tekirai: SHUT UP! Anyway, darn now we have to clean up the pieces of RL. Thank you for reviewing!
Benny the bull from Dora: WE LUV PANCAKES!!
Tekirai: He's just delirious. Like me sometimes. I agree the Celebi scene was morbid and terrfiying. But that's just because my alter ego doesn't like Celebi. She hates them because all they can say is "Bi!" and they were taken down by two non-legendaries.

~RL

 

[Taemin]

XD yeah...Celebi's 'talking' does get kind of annoying ^^; ....and its so....happy x__x

 

[emoBill™]

Yeah, I mean even if it was faced with a giant eighty-foot mechanical spider that had just crushed it under one massive foot you would hear it saying "Bi! BI!" all happy and all. I mean, my mom says I need to not be so dark and mysterious online, but I like it ^_^ I mean, I'm not that mysterious on PC, but on Sppf I kinda am.

 

[DanyelleTheUmbreon]

Benny the bull? *_*
Anyways that was a really cool fic. ^_^

 

[emoBill™]

Yes, Benny the Bull. I'm homeschooled, and all that's on after we're done our work is Nick Jr. But at least it's TV...Ratiasu's my sister's alter ego, and Ratiosu's mine. Tekirai is just a Pokemorph that I halfway came up with. Thanks for the compliments...

Ratiosu: That's all you can say?
Ratiasu: Hey...what was she supposed to say?
Benny: WE LUV PANCAKES!
Ratiosu: Yeah, me too ^_^

 

[DanyelleTheUmbreon]

I had pancakes for breakfast this morning.

Pancakes!*huggs Benny the bull* Now gimme pancakes

Restren: O_O *watches me try to make pancakes on Gingers back laughing his head off*

Me: I said act like a cyndaquil and put yer back on fire so I can cook the pancakes!

Ginger: >>

 

[oni flygon]

I must say that I'm impressed by the use of detailed imagery. Nicely conveyed.

Kudos, Fanfiction of the Month!

 

[emoBill™]

*faints* Thank...you...I've never got this before. Everyone always says I need much more description and stuff...*faints again* But thank you so much for the fanfiction of the month thinger place!

^________________________________________________________________________^

 

[emeraldslay]

Wow, this was good. Much better then Mew vs. Mewtwo. And your mom monitors your stories. ^_^ How amusing. It was a very intresting story, I liked the way you only reveleaed the Pokemon at the end, and I too liked the Celebi death scene ^_^

 

[emoBill™]

Hi ^_^ Mew vs. Mewtwo is only just starting, so I didn't expect it to be good right away, but anyway, yes, my mom monitors my stories ^_^ she expects me to be a famous author so in my work (since I'm homeschooled) she shows me parts of my reading book that have description and all that good stuff in them. Thanks...the Celebi death scene seems to be the most popular. Anyway, I'll be making another oneshot about Absol in the same style later, so look out for it, ya'll. ^_^

 

[Negrek]

I've decided that I want to try to review every fanfic that receives the Fanfiction of the Month award. I'm sure you're all thrilled.

Darkness In My Heart

I stand alone on the rock that houses me. The cave has always been my home, and I'm not about to leave it.

Wait, he was standing on the cave? That doesn't really make sense to me. Perhaps I'm not thinking of the right kind of cave, here. Is he, like, on a mountainside above the mouth of his cave? Or is it like one of those little hill-excavations in the Shire from LotR, and he's standing on the top?

The cave has always been my home...even though I just moved here...

Wait, what? I understand the arcanine's feeling that the cave is his home, but if he's only just come to it, why does he state that it's always been his home. That implies that either it's literally always been the place that he lived in, or that, upon moving there, he realized that it was the place for him, the one he had always been searching for, and he felt as though it was where he was meant to be for all his life, even if he there physically. If that's the case, then you need to go into some further detail about why the narrator feels this way. Otherwise and as is, it just appears to be a contradiction.

It is beautiful tonight, with the white glow casting over me and making me feel at home.

Casting is not the correct verb here, given its definition. The white glow throwing over me? To cast is most often used to mean to throw off, out, or away, and usually requires a direct object to go with it in order to indicate what is being cast (i.e. casting a line, casting off a raincoat.) You could have the moon casting its glow over the arcanine, but the sentence as is begs the question, what is the glow casting, and how?

My fur blazes brightly, though, and that alone ruins the aspect of the moon's glow.

The lights are faint, but to me they are as bright as the sun.

Why are they as bright as the sun to him? That implies some significance to them that is not expanded upon.

The moon bathes me in its light, and I dig deep in my throat and let loose a howl, one that sends shivers down anyone's spine who happens to be close enough.

The first part of the sentence is very nice, but the second part is very awkward. It would be much smoother to just say something like, "one that sends shivers down the spine of anyone close enough to hear it."

I whisper to them, Please come and take me away from this nightmare of our planet, I say to them.

Don't both introduce and close a thought of piece of dialogue with fragments. It reads very strangely and I think is technically incorrect as well. Pick one: I whisper to them, Please come and take me away from this nightmare of our planet. -or- Please come and take me away from this nightmare of our planet, I say to them. Whichever you prefer.

Also, this sentence is confusing and a little ambiguous. The word "our" being used here is very odd, as up until now the piece has been purely about one soul, and continues to again after this point. Suddenly bringing others into the picture is jarring. Were you perhaps going for "nigtmare of a planet" and accidentally typed the wrong word?

I need you to do this for me. Please take me away...

There is no food around, but I must eat or I will starve.

He was just talking about a bunch of rattata scurrying around on a mountain slope fifty feet away. That's food, even if there's honestly nothing else. He's even said that they taste good, and if he was really starving, I don't think he'd have any qualms about hunting them. In addition, how is doing so goig to be any more dangerous than what he's doing now--standing out in the open, in plain moonlight. How can trotting over about fifty feet, snatching up a rattata, and going back incur so much more danger?

I am very, very hungry. There is no food around, but I must eat or I will starve. I have gone four days without food, as a Pokemon's life is not limited to just three days without food making it die. For Pokemon it is seven. A week. I need food, and now. I cannot hold it off much longer.

Note that three out of the four sentences begin with "I." This makes the paragraph rather choppy.

Also, I think you're a bit confused. Humans can only live for about three days without water. We can survive for many weeks without food, and certainly a pok?mon, a legendary, no less, could do better?

- Arcanine seems to change his mind pretty darned quickly. Why was it too dangerous to hunt the rattata just a couple of minutes ago, but now he goes blazing off through the forest without discretion?

- Enjoyingly is not a word.

My eyes are locked onto the target. The small green fairy-like Pokemon spreads its tiny wings and flies to another berry. A daughter of one of the other legendaries. Its head is large and the end is pointed. Two antennae are sticking out of its head, and its hands and legs are tiny. A Celebi. Easy target.

Again, notice how choppy this paragraph is. The sentences within it are almost all simple, and while very punchy and effective when used in conjunction with other forms, repeatedly using them tends to create a bumpy, jarring reading experience.

They look bad, and I know she can die from them.

It lies on the ground, holding up one arm for defense.

- If celebi is to the point where it looks like nothing more than a pile of ash, it would almost definitely not be alive.

The blood flies as I dig one paw after another into it, hearing its screams and smiling.

"Digging one paw after another" implies that arcanine is ripping into the creature with first one, then both forepaws, followed by its hind legs as well. To say "one after another" usually implies all of the items mentioned are being made use of in one way or another, one at a time.

Her voice is booming, screaming through my head like my father did when I was young.

Arcanine's father screamed through his head when he was young?

Celebi waves her arms in a mystifying trance-like action.

It's rather hard for an action to be trance-like. It could be trance-inducing, though.

And one of the yellow foxes appear that I have been friends with.

This is bad syntax. "And one of the yellow foxes that I have been friends with appears." Also, it's a fragment.

- The ninetales starts chasing him? I thought that nothing could ever catch Arcanine--indeed, even come close to doing so. How is the ninetales ever to keep up the pursuit?

- You're overusing comma splices ("Her eyes are red and she has a large comb, and looks at me madly.") They read unpleasantly and are not correct, though they are occasionally used for artful purposes. Here, though, they're not making any impact.

Overall, it was an interesting idea, but I think that you could have done a great deal more with it. As it was, it seemed to only scratch the surface at the conflict at hand, and told only a small part of the story. I think part of this is the emotional detachment of the piece, which made it less poignant and less gripping than it really could have been.

The problem is, you're not really working the first person perspective to its full potential here. First-person is all about emotion. Give us the feeling! Arcanine spends way too much time telling us about stuff. Most of this 'fic is just explanation. If you're going to do first-person, you need to toss your explanation out the window. Let us figure out from the character's thoughts and feelings what the circumstances are. This 'fic could as easily have been done in third-person simply by switching the "I"s to "he" or "the arcanine" or whatever. Capitalize on the unique window that you've given yourself into the character's minds. The way it reads now, the 'fic seems very dry and emotionally bland. There's far too much explanation to it, making it seem more like reading a textbook than something coming from the heart. It's the emotion that makes or breaks a first-person piece.

In addition, your sentence construction is often faulty. You have a tendency to word things in an odd way and to repeat words, as well as to not vary your sentences, reducing flow. This adds to the somewhat dry nature of the piece, making it seem bumpy and at times confusing. You used fragments a lot, but in this piece that's less of a problem than normal because people have a tendency to not think complete thoughts (or not think in complete sentences, if you will). However, all of these combined with so many simple sentences makes the piece jerky and unsteady. You want quick, punchy sentences for action scenes, but for primarily intropsective works like this you want to consider flowing better, as it will help to organize your ideas and allow readers to navigate the thought process more easily.

Not that it was bad. Overall, this was a pretty good piece; you had an interesting idea and were clearly experimenting with some unfamiliar writing techniques (first-person and present-tense, while most 'fics are normally written third-person and past-tense.) You stumbled a bit in the execution and didn't go as deep as I'd like to see, as I've already said, but it was okay. There were some aspects, however, that I think stop this one-shot from truly being excellent or great.

 

[emoBill™]

Thank you for reviewing ^_^ don't worry, I can take constructive criticism. Anyway, I'll fix what you said I needed to fix. *continues saying YAYNESS!! for getting the fanfic of the month*

 

[nylanalily]

this fic is nice... arcanine is one of my favorite pokemons, as well as ninetails, but are they really enemies?

anyway, nice job you've done here! :D

 

[Astinus]

Ratiosu hasn't signed on in over two years. x.x

Don't bump threads. Read the rules.