Fighting Depression (The Fray, Calvin and Hobbes, Black Dog) [Daily Bloggity Entry #107]

[El Héroe Oscuro]

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Date: 14 June 2014
Time: 1:11 AM ET
Mood: -

It's roughly...a little past 1 in the morning where I am right now. I don't exactly understand why I'm writing something like this out on the Internet for y'all to see - maybe it's a plea for help, maybe it's just a way for me to vent out a lot of hostility that I'm feeling right now - but nonetheless for some peculiar reason I've felt the need to blog it out. If some of the contents of this seem a little uncharacteristic or my ideas seem to be all over the place, it's just because I'm writing whatever's coming to mind at the moment; just letting the fingers do the work for me, so to speak.

Daily Music - "Heartless" by The Fray

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I've been fighting depression for roughly about three to four years now. I haven't actually been diagnosed with it, but I can definitely recall it happening on and off ever since sometime during my senior year in high school. I think it's been more to prone to happen late at night - like it currently seems to be happening while I'm writing this - but I don't believe this is very uncommon. I think a lot of people around my age, what with their futures being unpaved canvases that are just ready to be explored, suffer these feelings that I've been going through...but nonetheless, every single moment of it is another point in time where I feel like I could snap at any moment, like I've reached my lowest of lows and no matter what anyone says there's absolutely no way I'll be able to resurface from these depths.

Daily Comic - "Death" by Bill Watterson of Calvin and Hobbes

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It's hard to pinpoint an exact reason why it happens. Sometimes it's because of myself reminiscing at what could have been with the loss of a girl that I held very close to my heart, other times it's because of the extreme work hours that I put myself through day in and day out. Other times it's because I feel like I never felt like I truly earned a spot at such a prestigious college I currently am in, what with my parents having donated money to that college for years now in the hopes that might boost my chances getting in, as well as other times where I feel like I have lost a lot of friends that I thought were close with me. That's probably the worst part of it all, to be perfectly honest. I feel like I pushed a lot of my friends that I did have at the time away due to my on-and-off depressive nature. I would become very sulky and isolate myself from my friend groups activities, which would then make them think that I didn't want to hang out with them (which is actually the complete opposite.) I just...can't control these feelings when they hit. I'm not emotionally strong willed as I'd like to be, and I'm not really the one that calls out for help. I told my parents about this state of mind last fall and they basically dismissed it not wanting to think of it themselves. I've thought of taking antidepressants but...I hate the idea of being clinically classified as such a person. I feel like if I do that, than I'm ultimately leaving myself open for ridicule. Which I know is absolutely ridiculous, but that might just be because of my occasional hubris state of mind.

Daily Video - "I had a black dog, his name was depression" by agency WHO

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I guess....I'm just at a loss of words really. I just hate my current self at times. I hate the way I act in front of others, I hate my hubris, I've hated the way I look. I'm always in a constant state of failing to try to improve myself. I'll say I want to do something, but never put it into action. Which absolutely flippin' sucks because I wasn't always like this. In high school I was always very lively and enjoyed the company of others and they enjoyed my company as well. Ever since I've gone to college though I've flipped from being a "leader" and turned into a "follower." It has been very difficult for me to transition from being the center of attention so to speak to being a person on the outskirts of my friend circle. As I'm writing this, it's mainly because of my friend and college roommate. Him and I were both male Nurses. However, he was always the center of attention: always able to talk with the ladies, always got the great grades without even trying, always was able to make everyone laugh....which I'm absolutely happy for him, don't get me wrong. I guess...I just wish that was me I guess. He's the person I want to be, but I absolutely hate comparing myself to someone else. It's very frustrating to see things just not going your way at all, and you feel helpless in a scenario where you wish things were different.

Like I said, I know I'm all over the place with this blog entry. I'm just writing what comes to mind. I will say this though - I do feel...much calmer after venting all this out. There's still a lot to my depression that I haven't really gone in depth about - what for personal reason and because I don't exactly know how to word it properly. This will most likely be the most uncharacteristic entry I'll ever write, but I just felt like it had to be done. I don't exactly know how many people will actually read all of this, but I do feel a little better, which is all that really matters to me.

Do you suffer from depression? How do you cope with it? Comment below as I'd like to hear what you have to say about this topic.

‡ As always, the "Daily Bloggity" is self written by myself and includes just some of my opinions on different mediums. If you have a subject that you might want me to touch on, feel free to PM me or comment below! I would love to hear some of your ideas! Tune in tomorrow at 5PM Eastern Time for the next edition of the "Daily Bloggity!" Cheers! ‡

- elheroeoscuro

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[derozio]

I've never suffered from depression as of yet. Not once. Sure, there were times when I felt extremely crappy. But I don't think I've ever hated myself for anything that I've done or anything about myself in general.

My comment will be all over the place too since I'm typing as things come to my mind so I hope you don't mind that haha. Anyway, have you ever wondered about life and death? Like, seriously, I'm terrified of death. Absolutely terrified. It is because I have no literal proof of after-life or there being a place where my consciousness can live on after I die. So that's my stance on death – you die, you're gone. Finished. There's no heaven, no hell. Nothing. You just vanish. Poof.

Keeping that in mind – well, what's to say you can't die the next minute? Ever seen the Final Destination series? The movie where people die in these bizarre ways? Sure, the movies have greatly exaggerated deaths and all that. But that doesn't mean a lot of that ♥♥♥♥ ain't possible. You don't know when you'll die. Here I am sitting on my PC replying to your blog entry and the next minute the ceiling fan in my room falls apart and one of its blades slice my throat and I die. You catch my drift? You just don't know when you'll lose your life.

Which brings me to why I brought it up in the first place – Life is very uncertain. It is too short as well. Too short to waste it by thinking about insignificant things and having headaches over them. You feel guilt about your parents donating to your college and thinking you don't deserve it? Work harder and make it so you don't feel that way. You feel like your roomie is someone who has all the things you want and is someone who you want to be? Work for it. If neither is possible and you're already giving it your best, just calm the ♥♥♥♥ down. As long as you're giving your best, it is okay. Everybody has limits. You can't push beyond a certain threshold. Like I said, life is too short to be thinking about insignificant things like "I'm not worthy enough", "I'm not who I want to be", or "I hate myself". Pessimistic thoughts don't help you. At all. You can fight it off by thinking that you'd work harder for becoming what you wish to be. Or, if that's not possible, just reassure yourself that you're already stretching your limits. The rest is upto whatever fruit your hard work provides you with in the end. Needlessly thinking about all that crap will neither help your efficiency nor will it help you get closer to your goal. So please stop thinking about "I want to be like him".

I know, it is DEFINITELY a case of "easier said than done". I know because I've went through it. A person who used to be at the very top? Check. Someone who stopped being the center of attention? Check. Presence of friends who were everything I wanted to be? Check. Feeling like ♥♥♥♥ for not doing as well as I'm supposed to? Check. ACTUALLY getting crappy results despite giving it a good shot? Double check. All that ♥♥♥♥ happened to me over the course of the last 3 years. But you know what? I don't care. I am who I am. I can't become someone else. I don't regret a single thing I've done in my life. I can't change the past. I don't think about the past. Hell, I don't even follow the "work hard like a dog today to earn like a boss tomorrow" mentality because, well, you know my stance on "uncertainty of life". I can only live in the present. I work hard, I try. But I know there are things I'm not capable of doing because I do possess limits. I'm human, after all. Not just human. I'm one of a kind. There are things only I can do. Just like how there are things that only you can do. Concentrate on those rather than beating yourself up over things you are having problems performing despite trying your hardest. Play the game to your strengths, mate.

I don't know if this was helpful. I don't know. But I just felt like typing that so I did. Pardon the fact that I'm not abnegation so I can't really type stuff in an elegant manner like he can. But that's what it is in the end – he is he and I am me lol. :b Cheer up, man. You're amazing. You're one of a kind. Don't let stupid ♥♥♥♥ bring you down.

 

[Mana1]

I've never had depression, so I'm afraid I can't speak from first hand knowledge - I have only ever been on the other side of the fence.

I love that WHO video - infact I literally showed it to a PSE class friday. Beforehand, their understanding of depression wasn't very clear, they found it hard to link a sense of sadness, loneliness, etc. with the physical and social problems we have spoken about. After the clip they were deadly silent. Nobody said a word. A few had welled up.

Our generation seems a lot more open with depression, the stigma is on the decline which must (I hope) help those deal with their problems.

May I ask, what kind of things have you tried? Has your depression changed over the year or do you feel it's been static?