Smitten, by Akinari
Title- 5/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is cliché
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories
Nothing much to say here except that it's original (I can't recall any other "Smitten") and it fits. The title is even used in the later part of the story. Oneshots always have an advantage that it's easier to find a suitable title.
Narrative Manner- 5/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story
1st person narrative shows the initial shock that Yellow is crossdressing better than all the other narratives. It is a perfect choice.
Grammar/Coherence- 7/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and
coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot
I didn't know he was this serious.
"that he was serious."
It was afternoon that day that
the second "that" needs to be a "when." Not only is it grammatically inaccurate, it looks bad for diction as well. We always try to avoid using the same word two times in the same sentence in narration (a few words are exceptions to this rule, of course, but "that" isn't one of them.)
But it went awfully fast to me.
that's an incomplete sentence... "But" is a conjunction, but this sentence isn't hooking up with anything... You can get around this with a comma after "but" because this is first narrative.
Verb tenses shouldn't jump back and forth... verb tenses should always stay in the past tense unless the action continues on from back then all the way up until now.
Green used past tense in this entire narration, so why would he talk about "tonight" when it's actually in the past? Use "that night" instead.
But then her explanation was quite believable.
"But" suggests a change in idea from one side to another... nothing changed here though, so why use it? It doesn't make much sense.
There's even more sentences that aren't independent and needs to join with each other... try to fix those ones. For a short story of this length, there can be a lot less grammar mistakes...
Major Character(s)- 13/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted.
Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.
Again, it's a near flawless section for this story. Yellow barely talks so how hard is it to portrait her accurately, especially when she is pretty stereotypical as a shy little girl in the manga. So there's nothing much to say about her here. I only read synopsis of the manga so I'm not sure if Yellow really uses "______-sama" that much, so I'll ignore that one.
As for Green, I'm not sure if I'm really hearing Green or is Frosty hearing "Niko" narrating in the middle of the story? Remember that it's first person, so you will have to try to write as Green rather than yourself. I'm very sure that the numerous account of "eyes" (that word is used more than any other noun excluding pronouns in the story too) meeting then sparkle is such a typical Niko-style writing, and I'm pretty sure that Green doesn't record these kinds of details (or at least, not talk about eyes and eyes meeting THAT much.) I know that the point of the oneshot is to see how Green softens up to Yellow on that night, then toughens up again, but that is getting slightly out of hand. I'm pretty sure that Green doesn't think exactly like you even though I only read synopsis about the manga, and if he does like Yellow, he'll like her more than just "eyes" "dazzing eyes" and "blue eyes" (YGO pun not intended.) I'm pretty sure that if Green likes Yellow, it'll be for her character, and how she summons up her courage for the task at hand even though she basically has none. You did talk about it a bit, but it's nowhere as developed as "the eyes." I'll strongly recommand you to shift the attention from "the eyes" to talk more about Yellow's character, and how that is likable in Green's perceptions.
The ending of the story is very well done. It's very believable for Green to handle the situation in this exact same manner.
No marks are given based on multi-facets because the characters are not original, and that the oneshot is trying to portrait the characters to be as close as those of the original. So, no marks loss even though Yellow has basically only two facets (and Blue gave her one of the two, so one of them isn't even really hers,) less than all the manga characters.
Minor Character(s)- omit/10
9-10 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
7-8 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
6-7 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
4-5 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1-4 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story
No minor characters, so omit
Story Details- 8/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged
Nothing too much to say here... it's basically rewriting a very short and specific scene from the manga, with the author adding what he thinks will be running through Green's mind at that moment. It's so closely tied in with character, so just look back up there. Since this is a romance story and it's in first person narrative as well, all details come from the character...
Conflict- 5/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, "good and evil" cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, "good and evil" are questionable
3 "Man vs. Man" along other conflicts, but "good and evil" are obvious
2 "Man vs. Man" only, good and evil are obvious
1 "Man vs. Man" only, ending is highly predictable
Obviously, the "good and evil" objective can't be applied here so ignore that from the marking guide... How else can you write conflicts for a romance story besides this? There's the "triangle" relationship, and internal problem (and Green decided to give up the relationship because his duty is more important.) So, this story got them all. Very tempting to just omit it cause it seems like this fanfic is stealing so much marks from me...
Diction/Tone- 13/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author
"get warmth" works grammatically but it sounds so awkward to say that I just have to throw it here... o_O;;
Green keeps shifting between apprentice and student for Yellow... now usually we do try to use different words so everything is not as boring, but in this case I think that you should consider being more consistent in student or apprentice. The word that's chosen reveals what Green thinks of Yellow. Student is closer, while apprentice is farther away, and for a romance story, these words that hint on a relationship is quite important.
As we mentioned already, all the "eye"-talk doesn't fit very well as a tone for Green, even when he softens... tone builds the backbone for a romance story, so again, refer all the way back up there in character.
It took a second and a half before I realized at what I was looking at.
the "second and a half" sounds a bit too specific isn't it? Let's not distract the readers from the main juicy stuff, and replace it with a vague term for time.
Story Structure- omit/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components
It's such a short, specific scene from the manga that what can I possibly say about story structure... omit
Effort- 8/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author's re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.
Even if you're bad at the tenses and conjunctions, surely as a fanfic mod, you can do it ;p
Literal Device Bonus- + 0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3)
Total- 66/75 => 85/100
