Glory to the Golden Serpent

[Silais]

This is a small excerpt from a story that I am writing, and it's nowhere near finished. The plot is in heavy development. This is by no means a finished product.

Some background: Isirÿa is the daughter of a petty lordling in Taul, one of the great cities of the kingdom of Ciryatan. She is sold into the service of the Diabolists, priests and priestesses who worship and care for the Temple of Siltur, the god of death in Cirtinese culture, after her father's marriage proposal to a certain Lord Anthtas Vesyck is unsuccessful. Isirÿa's journey through the stages of priesthood are the main focus of the story, which changes her views on life and human beings.

This excerpt shows the turning point in Isirÿa's outlook on her new life. This is where she becomes truly dedicated to the golden serpent Siltur. She is trying on her priestess's robe and donning her raiment for that night's prayers, and as she sees herself in the mirror she recognizes herself as a different person.

~​

The robe was long and elegant, cinched at the waist with a belt of fine gold cloth. It was the color of mare's milk, the trim as red and deep as blood. The sleeves were exquisitely long, and embroidered with the lovely golden snakes that Isirÿa had seen on the cuffs of Lord Saygar's mantle at the feast in Mâhn. When she pulled the hood over her head she saw the same golden snakes coiling and weaving together like one great serpent along the edges of the cloth, their tiny fangs accented with diamonds as small as grains of sand. Such raiment would surely be worth more than her father's pitiful estate in Taul; the hood itself, with its tiny jewels and expensive Selyxian silk, was worth the citadel alone. Isirÿa smiled softly; her father had sold her to the Diabolists as punishment for displeasing Lord Anthtas Vesyck, yet she wore finer clothing now than the petty steward's son had worn at her father's proposal.

If anything, I am blessed, Isirÿa thought silently. The god Siltur has welcomed me into his fold as one of his priestesses, and I will serve him gladly. Nothing the Diabolists of Tua'lan could do to her would be worse than the abuses she had suffered under her father's care; let him keep his dying orchards and rule his sparse fields from his throne of rotten wood. She would pray and worship in the presence of a powerful and benevolent god while Tordun's castle crumbled all around him.

On the vanity lay her golden circlet and bracelet, the ones Vagyar had given her; she took them both in her hands, turning them over and over carefully between her fingers. The circlet was beautifully made; two golden snakes with their scales inlaid with diamonds and their eyes set with rubies coiled into a heart shape, their noses touching as they met at the front of the piece. Her bracelet was of similar design; the only difference was the snakes' tails, which were tipped with tear-shaped rubies. They glittered and gleamed in the torchlight, the flames dancing in their blood-red eyes. They looked so real that for a moment Isirÿa had the sudden urge to drop them, but instead she brought them up to her breast, clutching them close to her heart.

Praise be to the god Siltur and his dark messengers, she prayed silently, remembering the sermon that Vagyar had given on her first day in the great Temple. Let his grace bless all those who suffer and grow weak with age and disease. Let those whose bodies can no longer harbor their souls shelter beneath the folds of his great black cloak and enjoy eternal peace and rest in his presence.

Isirÿa smiled. As she gazed into the mirror with new eyes, she could feel the presence of the lord of death at her shoulder, and a sudden peace overwhelmed her.

"Glory to the golden serpent," she whispered.

 

[Crux]

Firstly, I should advise caution so as your protagonist doesn't come off as being despicable, unless that is your intention.
If her father sold her to the Diabolists, priests of all people, then arranged marriages would hardly be uncommon in such a world. Her refusal to abide, cursing of her father, and then admiration of the fine silks and jewel of her robes leaves the impression of her being ungrateful, and materialiastic.

Also, assuming that you're trying to focus the main character as an independant young women, why would she choose a god, over a master? She dispises her father for trying to force her to live as he choses, yet she's content with living as a priestess, and living as the god, or higher monks dictate?

 

[Silais]

Firstly, I should advise caution so as your protagonist doesn't come off as being despicable, unless that is your intention.
If her father sold her to the Diabolists, priests of all people, then arranged marriages would hardly be uncommon in such a world. Her refusal to abide, cursing of her father, and then admiration of the fine silks and jewel of her robes leaves the impression of her being ungrateful, and materialiastic.

Also, assuming that you're trying to focus the main character as an independant young women, why would she choose a god, over a master? She dispises her father for trying to force her to live as he choses, yet she's content with living as a priestess, and living as the god, or higher monks dictate?

Isirÿa is not meant to be an evil character. Instead, she is a character who develops different viewpoints over time because of the situations that she is put into.

Arranged marriages are not uncommon in the world I have crafted, but Isirÿa's father attempted to betroth her to a man of high standing, and it failed because this lord, Anthtas Vesyck, did not find her beautiful, elegant or wealthy enough to marry. Isirÿa's father was mentally and physically abusive to her; he was her only child and his wife had died, leaving only her to suffer his abuses. Her father wanted to marry her off to a man whose title would give his own reputation a lift, but after failing to marry Isirÿa off to the steward's son, he considered it a personal slight that she incurred on him on purpose. Thus, he sold her to the Diabolists. Basically, the man took Vesyck's denial of Isirÿa differently than most would; instead of blaming Vesyck, he blamed Isirÿa.

Isirÿa finds herself in a place where she is accepted and wanted, which is a situation completely different from the one she has lived in for the first 17 years of her life. As she is looking at her silk robes, she is not ungrateful or materialistic; she is thinking upon the abuses her father incurred on her, and how his "punishment" to her had actually become a blessing. She takes amusement in that. Let's say, for a moment, that Isirÿa was a bit mentally and emotionally damaged. Looking at how her situation has changed and how she has risen from despair to solace, would you blame her for taking enjoyment out of watching her father waste away on his dying land while she lives a life that is filled with new opportunity and wonder?

The Diabolists of the Temple of Siltur are misunderstood, as later passages I will post here will indicate. They see the god of death differently than the people of Ciryatan and their practices are not nearly as evil or cruel as they are said to be. Isirÿa is beginning to see why the Diabolists worship and love the god Siltur and the longer she spends with them the more she is willing to accept their vows. Yes, she was sold to the Temple of Siltur and is considered a servant of the Diabolists, but she is more free with them than she ever was under her father's care; she is more willing to accept them because they have given her the freedom to learn and accept their ways at her own pace, something she has never been able to do. So, in the end, Isirÿa accepts the Diabolists and Siltur and becomes a priestess.

 

[Crux]

Ah, I see. My own faux pas, it seems, for jumping the gun and making assumptions on too little information. Definitely glad to see somebody showing a god of death in a different light then usual, though.

This sounds interesting, and I'll most certainly be keeping a watch out on it. Hell, if you ever need a betareader for it then I'm your man.

 

[Silais]

Ah, I see. My own faux pas, it seems, for jumping the gun and making assumptions on too little information. Definitely glad to see somebody showing a god of death in a different light then usual, though.

This sounds interesting, and I'll most certainly be keeping a watch out on it. Hell, if you ever need a betareader for it then I'm your man.

Thankya kindly :). I'm trying to do NaNoWriMo this year, but college is a pain. I may not finish very much in time, but I'll try to write a chapter or two a week to keep things balanced.