Heart and Soul: Poems of a Samurai

[SamuraiGallade]

This first one is based off a book series I read. Please note that all my poetry is free verse. There is no real pattern, except for the organization.

Tooth and Claw,
Magick and Blade.
A Rider and his Dragon,
That fate forbade.

The Dragon, she flies.
The Rider, he runs.
Each are immortal,
Neither of them dies.

The Dragon and her Rider,
They share a great bond.
One never broken,
Like a family's love.

But do not think them weak,
As they are both strong.
If you think yourself stronger,
You are gravely wrong.

Her scales bright,
His blade strong.
They have come to fix
All that is wrong.

If you know this book series, dont post any spoilers, as I haven't finished the series. But tell me what you think of my poem.

 

[bobandbill]

I think you are talking about Eragon, yes? (That is a series I have not fully read myself, on that note, so no spoilers are possible from myself =p).

I liked it; simple but decent and not a bad summary of the two as well. On the crit side of things, I feel it could be slightly improved by showing a touch more than telling (e.g. 'Each are immortal,/Neither of them dies.' seems to state the obvious a touch too much with the latter of those lines). The fact you said it was free verse did not seem too clear idea given the first verse had Blade/forbade and the next flies/dies, only with different lines rhyming with each other (unlike the first and fourth/fifth verses the second had 1st/4th lines rhyming rather than 2nd/4th which seems inconsistent, and the third verse had none). In other words, there seemed to be a rhyming scheme even if it wasn't intended and so it not quite been followed through felt just a bit odd. Probably a bit nitpicky but it came to my mind at any rate.

The fourth verse sounded a bit off as well, not in wording but the content itself:

But do not think them weak,
As they are both strong.

It seems out of place to warn readers not to think them weak as nothing beforehand has suggested they are weak. After all a dragon and rider who are immortal sound quite the opposite as it is. I'd suggest rethinking that bit or adding in something before that shows us their flaws which would give support to that verse.

Not bad all in all though; I liked it. Hopefully my thoughts are of benefit.

 

[SamuraiGallade]

Fixed. Post Edited.

You stir my slumber,
You interfere with my dreams,
Now you will pay,
For your insolent schemes.

You can take my land,
You can take my bread,
But take my love,
And you'll wish you were dead.

Stay away from her,
You who are better off dead.
Touch her even once,
And Ill tear off your head.

I shall guard her,
even to my dying hour.
She is my love,
She is a beautiful flower.

 

[bobandbill]

Well then let me warn critics. It says Samurai for a reason. I dont take critisism well.

That's not a really cool thing to say, even as a joke. If you post stuff on the internet, you should expect to get comments on your work, which may not always be positive. And after all, constructive critism is designed to help give you advice on how to improve, not to belittle you or anything. Saying 'Ill bash your head' because someone offered advice is not funny nor likely to encourage people to post replies to your work.

 

[SamuraiGallade]

It was a joke. Im not in the mood to bash people through floors. =P But really, that was sort of a work-in-progress. I have written many great poems, and intend to write more. And BTW I was tired when I posted that.

 

[SamuraiGallade]

Love, passion,
Such great emotions.
Take the from me,
And you will be dead.

She is the one
That brings me joy.
She is the one
That I lovingly hold.

But in my joy,
You pry her from my arms.
Now you will die
By a samurai's blade.

You shall not have her,
You vile beasts!
She is my love,
Not your new toy!

I will crush your skulls
And cut off your limbs!
I will fight you all,
Just to hold her again.

 

[SamuraiGallade]

As you guys can tell I usually write poems about love. Its a habit. =P But anyway, here is another.

Lovestruck

I sit in clearing,
Going over my thoughts,
Clearing my mind,
Sorting my emotions.

I hear a twig break.
My eyes snap open.
Standing before me
Is a beautiful woman.

Her face so perfect,
Hey body so elegant.
My heart flutters,
My cheeks turn red.

She smiles at me,
Blushing all the while.
I sit there dumbstruck,
or is it lovestruck?

 

[SamuraiGallade]

I love how many replies I get! -_- Anyway, let me try this once more.

If you could see the world
As I so well see it,
You would see so many things.
From the dragons overhead,
To the trees below,
Existence is more than meets the eye.