High school : My worst Dreams came true(Rated R: Nudity, touching, and Mild kissing )

Lady Akita- judging that offensive depends on the reader's maturity. I think Demon_Slayer was trying to enforce the viewer descretion, since some scenes are inappropriate for younger, less informed members.

The writing style is, needless to say, okay..You just need to work on revising it and it should be fine. I won't comment on anything else. XD
 
Uh...
wow.
No offense to anyone, but I'm ashamed of everyone who said they thought it was a really good story.
Quite frankly, they writing style is pretty bad. There aren't enough transitions and stuff, things are very sudden, there isn't much explanation to anything, and the sex ed class scene is totally unrealistic, even in a fictional story.
I may be wrong, and I really don't mean to be judgemental, but I think you people are just saying its good because it's got nudity in it.
Oh, and another thing...you REALLY overused the word "boobs" in one of the chapters.
 
I understand the writing style is bad, I have fixed some kinks in my new stories, until I post them please do not Offend this one
 
Burninating_Torchic said:
I may be wrong, and I really don't mean to be judgemental, but I think you people are just saying its good because it's got nudity in it.
Click to expand...

...Let me just clarify one fact: your judgment is very, very misguided in my case, K?

Just because I feel so self conscious now, let me reword my previous review:

A lot of stories like these that I have read have little to no plot in them, whether rushed by the writer's personal expection or just driven by the reader's eagerness. I thought the writing style was okay if you were intentionally aiming for these kind of stories. If not, then I'd strongly advise heavy revising (if you're serious enough about your work).
 
Same goes here...

If you're expecting this to be a your masterpiece or something, I would say to be less crude on your work and to not use this reply box to type in the story. Try using MS Word because it helps a lot, y'know? And even though you did separate your story into paragraphs... they're block paragraphs. The best way to separate is to break off whenever there's dialogue. It's easier that way and it's even easier because readers won't be so confused to whoever is speaking (the exception is The Great Gatsby, however because I was utterly confused even though there are breaks in dialogue... ><)
 
I hardly think four paragraphs should constitute as a "chapter"....
 
I only post part chapters. Don't feel like posting the whole thing.
Yeah. Akinari's right, lo. Word has tons of suggestions in there, from spelling to writing style, I couldn't even get to change it all to fit its needs. o.O;
But actually, with the over-use of the word 'boobs' and really, most of your chapters focusing on specific moments of Jeremiah and certain girl, and skipping out everything else like the everyday happenings and history, well, it's too hard to catch up.
 
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