[Pokémon] How The Life of A Child Changes In 3 Years ...

[560cool.]

-Author's Note : As most of you know, Silver, Giovanni's son, left him when the evil leader went to Johto. This fanfic presents Silver's life durring that period .-

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Chapter 1 : A Rude Awakening

I was desperately trying to keep up with my enraged dad. He kept running throught the tall grass, next to the small ponds and close to rocks. I fell and slipped countless times, but I kept following him.

It was a full-moon-night. Me and my dad had a major fight back at Silph Co., when some kid broke everything we tried to achieve. Our plans fell and crumbled, together with any family-friendship. We were both ruined and dusty and my father was running towards Johto.

Suddenly, in the rushed run, he turned back and yelled to me :
"This is only your fault !" he nervously screamed at me. "Stupid and ignorant child ! I'm just sick and tired ! Get out of my face !"
"D-dad ..." I tried protecting myself. "Stop this madness ! I beg you to reconsider and rebuild the hideout of the game corner. It is the best option"

Right now I was trying to stop him from leaving me. I was only 7 years old, after all. What can I do on my own ?

"Whatever you say !" he disagreed. "I am heading towards Johto. You be happy with anything, but don't you dare follow me ..."

I saw a glimpse of my dad's shadow as it was dissapearing into the night. Out of desperation, I started crying. I went back on the same tracks, but I bumped into two odd kids ...

"Sniff...What is it ...?" I tried speaking .
A kind looking boy with a green pixie covered in light and a weird girl with a white cap were standing next to me. The boy was staring at me like a cat at a mouse, but didn't dare to say anything.

"Tell me..." he started talking with a whispering voice ... "...was that your father ?"

I just gazed into his big and black eyes. He just saw the scene in which my dad went away ?

"Y-yes ... we argued and then he went away."
With my sayings, he jus started examinating me. My short, red hair and the black suit I was wearing with the R coming from "Rocket" pasted on it, I was looking just like a novice Rocket Grunt, only much younger.

He suddenly gazed at the pixie and the girl, just as if he tried telling them : "let's leave...". It turned out I was right : he started talking :
"Celebi !" he talked to the pixie. "Return us to our time ! Don't forget to take Lyra !"

Their Celebi started enveloping itself in a blue light with tiny little sparkles, then they all dissapeared. I was entirely destroyed by this and I had no idea of anything ...

Who was that boy? How did he know my name? Where am I going to live? Were these guys time-travelling? What am I going to eat ?...

I decided all these questions were in vain. I started heading back towards Viridian City, as the sun rose with a red light above the region of Kanto.
By that time, I started believeing it was "the first day of the rest of my life" . I realized I had to become a real trainer, not just a "rented" one, like my father thought I was. Training his Pokemon was my only job in Team Rocket. That kid, known as Red, had one really sharp look and didn't want to let go of the idea of Giovanni and his team collapsing. He strived much, but it all ended ...

I didn't hate him. Right now, I only feel hate for my dad, who left his own offspring in the middle of the forest.
But it was just the first day of the rest of my life ...

From a mountain nearby, an Absol watched me as I went back into Kanto, with my legs scratched and my costume ruined. Quickly, he dissapeared into the forest...

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[Scales]

First off,

1. Space out your paragraphs. Add a line between each paragraph you make. Not only does it make the piece more aestetically pleasing, but it allows you to emphasis dialogue a lot easier.

2.

"This is only YOUR fault !!! STUPID and IGNORANT child !! I'm just SICK and TIRED !!! Get out of my face !!"

You don't need to capitalize those words and add extra quotation marks. Grammar wise, it's incorrect.

3. The dialogue unfortunately does sound a little odd without any description in between it. Like here.

D-dad ..." I tried protecting myself. "Please stop blaming it on me ... why ... I did nothing to ruin anything ... I listened to you, trained your Pokemon ... it was that kid who did it all..."
"Whatever you say ! I am heading towards Johto. You be happy with anything, but don't you dare follow me ..."

I have no idea what's going on there. Is he just shouting "I AM HEADING TOWARDS JOHTO, DON'T FOLLOW ME"? If you add more description as to what he's doing or how he's saying it, it provides a far more powerful way to add emphasis.

Overall a little polish here and there never hurts. I hope to see more.

 

[blaze5004]

you know what

damn scales you dont need to criticize every single fanfic you see jeez

to me its good read mine pokemon the black list it has nine chapters so far

 

[Scales]

Damn Scales you don't need to criticize every single fanfic you see, jeez

Criticism helps writers improve. If they don't get their writing critiqued, then they don't know exactly what works and what doesn't.

 

[bobandbill]

damn scales you dont need to criticize every single fanfic you see jeez

Um...

Criticism helps writers improve. If they don't get their writing critiqued, then they don't know exactly what works and what doesn't.

This. Good reviewing is actually encouraged in this section - what's the point of posting a story on the internet if critique and opinions couldn't be posted on them otherwise? Besides it helps writers become better at...well, writing, and gives them more feedback on what they did well, not so well, etc.

Seeing I'm here, I'll add to the comment about adding in more description - as it is it isn't that clear why things are exactly happening - you've made some mention about what happened vaguely and all, but there's not much of a sense of the emotion coming through as the dialogue is carrying the majority of that, and the shouting kinda takes away from it all. I'd suggest going into more detail on what Silver is feeling, what happened, etc.

Another thing with that would be to think more about the reactions he would have to different things - such as a Celebi of all things. He did pause for a short moment and have a few questions... but it seems like a weak reaction to time travelling people with a legendary Pokemon spying on you. Try to build on it some more - really show us what he's think by giving us some reactions. It's all well and good to show us his thoughts, but the next step is converting that into actions - maybe his mouth is gaping, eye widened, unable to say anything at the sight of the green floating pixie? By doing that you'd end up making the story more interesting to read and more exciting.

The concept is interesting though - I presume this would be telling Silver's side of the story from the games (or more before hgss at least) and it's neat that you used that (hidden) in-game event as well as a starting point. However again - it'd be that much more interesting if you build on it and add your own spin to it - show us how Silver really reacts to it all instead of his thoughts generally telling use the basics and little else.

Lastly watch for simple mistakes - for instance:

Their Celebi started enveloping itself in a blue light with tiny little sparkles, then they all disappeared. I was entirely destroyed by this an I had no idea of anything ...

an should be and, and there shouldn't be a space between words and punctuation like the ellipse there, or exclamation marks in dialogue.

If you brush up on those aspect this could be really quite the good read, so I suggest you go back and edit some and apply that to future chapters in your fic. =) Best of luck with it!

 

[560cool.]

First off,

1. Space out your paragraphs. Add a line between each paragraph you make. Not only does it make the piece more aestetically pleasing, but it allows you to emphasis dialogue a lot easier.

2.

You don't need to capitalize those words and add extra quotation marks. Grammar wise, it's incorrect.

3. The dialogue unfortunately does sound a little odd without any description in between it. Like here.



I have no idea what's going on there. Is he just shouting "I AM HEADING TOWARDS JOHTO, DON'T FOLLOW ME"? If you add more description as to what he's doing or how he's saying it, it provides a far more powerful way to add emphasis.

Overall a little polish here and there never hurts. I hope to see more.

Whoa !
You know, I'm just starting out ! ;) I'm a novice, my English teacher told me I have some talent; so I came here to make use of it .
Thanks for the advice ! I'll go back and correct ! :)

damn scales you dont need to criticize every single fanfic you see jeez

to me its good read mine pokemon the black list it has nine chapters so far

I've read a little of yours... nicely done. ;)
Also, don't be so rude. It's a forum, be nice to us; Scales just tried to give me some advice ...

Um...
This. Good reviewing is actually encouraged in this section - what's the point of posting a story on the internet if critique and opinions couldn't be posted on them otherwise? Besides it helps writers become better at...well, writing, and gives them more feedback on what they did well, not so well, etc.

Seeing I'm here, I'll add to the comment about adding in more description - as it is it isn't that clear why things are exactly happening - you've made some mention about what happened vaguely and all, but there's not much of a sense of the emotion coming through as the dialogue is carrying the majority of that, and the shouting kinda takes away from it all. I'd suggest going into more detail on what Silver is feeling, what happened, etc.

Another thing with that would be to think more about the reactions he would have to different things - such as a Celebi of all things. He did pause for a short moment and have a few questions... but it seems like a weak reaction to time travelling people with a legendary Pokemon spying on you. Try to build on it some more - really show us what he's think by giving us some reactions. It's all well and good to show us his thoughts, but the next step is converting that into actions - maybe his mouth is gaping, eye widened, unable to say anything at the sight of the green floating pixie? By doing that you'd end up making the story more interesting to read and more exciting.

The concept is interesting though - I presume this would be telling Silver's side of the story from the games (or more before hgss at least) and it's neat that you used that (hidden) in-game event as well as a starting point. However again - it'd be that much more interesting if you build on it and add your own spin to it - show us how Silver really reacts to it all instead of his thoughts generally telling use the basics and little else.

Lastly watch for simple mistakes - for instance:
an should be and, and there shouldn't be a space between words and punctuation like the ellipse there, or exclamation marks in dialogue.

If you brush up on those aspect this could be really quite the good read, so I suggest you go back and edit some and apply that to future chapters in your fic. =) Best of luck with it!

.... .... ....

I'm using a very little keyboard of a mini-laptop. I have some typing mistakes, but I'll go back and revamp the 1st chapter. Sadly, it has to be later this week; I'm damn busy ! ;)

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THE INFO ! This'll totally make me improve and I hope you keep reading .

 

[Neelh]

This story is quite good. It may persuade me to not hang onto BZP: rules :P

 

[560cool.]

Chapter 2

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CHAPTER 2 : Absol and the Cinnabar Volcano
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As I arrived in Viridian with my eyes in tears I could see some people gathered around the building site of the Trainer House. Smoke could be seen far in the distance, coming from some sort of an explosion.

Ignoring all these people, I tried going into Route 1 to find out if the smoke came from Pallet. Suddenly, a fat guy dressed in blue bumped into me, throwing my body into a nearby tree.

"Sorry, kiddo !" he apologized. "I'm here to send news to the 1-day old Gym Leader of Viridian, Blue ! He just got defeated, you know..."

That guy was weird. His careless nature made him bump into two ledges, making him fall over once more. But, I know what he was talking about...

That kid who disbanded Team Rocket a few days ago, known as Red, came from Pallet Town. His direct and annoying rival, with a very friendly nature for anyone who was good at Pokemon battles, Blue, beat the Pokemon League. His "reign" lasted only two or three hours, because Red came and ruined him. Come to think of it, it is quite natural for him to become the Viridian Leader. My dad went away, after all...

The sun was now right on the middle of the sky. A dark cloud was starting to cover it, probably coming from the explosion.

I saw the fat guy and Blue go past me. They both had serious faces as they went into Route 1, heading to the place from where the explosion came from. They both had serious and nervous faces, with not even the faintest smile.

I started following them. They crawled through tall grass, jumped ledges and hit wild Rattatas. They didn't even know I was behind them : admiring the scenery of the forest combined with grassy plains, but also being behind them.

When we arrived in Pallet, the two went into Oak's Lab. I just waited outside, until they came. I could see something in the distance : a crater with smoke around it, bathed in a consistent, red liquid...

Hmmmm ... actually, I read a book in Silph Co. : "The History of Cinnabar". I clearly remember a paragraph of it ... :

"The Pokemon Mansion, an old and creaky villa built on Cinnabar Island, is sitting on the top of a volcano crater. It was known to be built by Mewtwo in a reaction caused by hatred : he went on an outrage and blasted a hole deep in the Earth, way before the Pokemon Mansion was built. Since then, the volcano has been inactive ..."

The last few words said that it was impossible for the volcano to erupt. I sat down on the grass, wondering what happened.

Suddenly, from the trees, an Absol jumped at me. It moved like the wind and I was amazed of its face : a serious figure, rugged in the time by the sadness of natural disasters.

I started hearing a sad, crying voice in my head : "The Cinnabar Volcano ... it was you ! Only your fault ... I can sense this ... Follow me."

It seemed like Absol was talking to me through telepathy. It showed me to hop on its back and he started speeding towards Cinnabar.

My fault ? Why ? Is the Absol wrong or what ?

Other unanswered questions ...