In Need of Helpful Criticism.

[Shedinja8]

Well this is a section from a story I am writing, and was hoping to get some HELPFUL criticism. Now note that this is only part of a chapter, so sorry if it seems out of context. Also I am looking for criticism or ideas on the writing style. Finding spelling or grammar issues is a plus. Finally I would like to apologize if this is on the wrong thread, but it seemed to be the most appropriate. Now for the passage:

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Despair. Destruction. Hopelessness. These are the only words that could go through a soldier's mind during these terrible times. The front lines were faltering, and only through sheer willpower could anyone say awake to fight off the hoards of enemy coming; day and night. People ravished in hunger and sadness. It has been thirty long years since the fight had become, and many were being to question if it was truly worth it. Though every time someone spoke up a patriot would stand and say: "Have you not forgotten why we fight? Its because we came together all those years ago with a single goal in mind. That goal is freedom. Freedom to our own culture. Our own lives. To live the ways the prophets foretold in there visions in the temple. It is only through this fight that we can find ourselves. I know this war is hell, but the rewards of enlightenment are to great to pass up. So I say now; give up if you wish, but remember that you are giving up the most important opportunity of your life."
Many would smile, imagining this promised idea of finding themselves in this war. Many cowards found bravery, the weak found strength, and children had become grow. With this, many stepped up and cheered: "Praise our makers! For they have brought us such wonderful gifts through hell!" Many more would stand, cheer, and more than a share would take to a weapon and go to fight with the front-line. The dieing fire was reborn.
This happened more and more frequently as the war pressed on as a group of rebels quickly became an entire country of soldiers and supporters. Those original seventeen of the first fight through thick and thin stood by to take the first retaliation in dedication to the cause. They were the first to die, and the last to be forgotten. They became heroes, and those who wished to take their place found themselves being honored as they walked through the streets. Being a soldier meant to others that you were not a sword waiting to strike, but that you were a shield willing to take every blow that crossed your path.
You fought with valor and courage. You never gave up. You showed no fear, even in the eyes of Death. You were; a Spartan.

 

[lx_theo]

Well, for one, do not use a ; like you did in the second line there. That symbol is to use two related parts that could be otherwise sentences their own (without adding, changing, or moving one word). The "day and night" after it does not work for that. Later on its used incorrectly basically every other time its used as well.

Third line, where it says "become", I'm guessing you meant begun.

When someone talks, a new paragraph should begin.

Dying, not dieing (last line, first paragraph)

2nd sentence of the 3rd paragraph needs to commas around "though think and thin" to make it correct

The random transition to 2nd person at the end needs to be struck out. You can't randomly switch between perspectives. Unless the rest of the story is in 2nd person (which would be odd), I'd change you to they or something.

There are quite a large number of fragments at the beginning, though grammatically incorrect, it can be done in informal writing like this.

Inconsistent Tense needs to be fixed.

What I caught on first read through.


Overall, its okay. A lot of what story is is plot structure and character development, so its hard to comment on it beyond the grammatical problems stated above. It seems a well enough made introductory section. It doesn't delve enough into creating scenes with the writing (just the introduction type ideas), so the ability to comment on writing style is limited. It's executed in a pretty good manner. It has a bit of build up to it, and gets the points across.

 

[Shedinja8]

Thank you, I appreciate the help and do hope that others are willing to put in their thoughts.

 

[Astinus]

I'll go over grammar first, with what I found and can explain. Some of these were already pointed out by lx_theo, which I apologize for repeating.

It has been thirty long years since the fight had become, and many were being to question if it was truly worth it.

"begun" and "beginning"

Its because we came together all those years ago with a single goal in mind.

"Its" is the possessive form. "It's" is the contraction for "it is".

Many cowards found bravery, the weak found strength, and children had become grow.

"begun to"

The dieing fire was reborn.

"dying"

Those original seventeen of the first fight through thick and thin stood by to take the first retaliation in dedication to the cause.

This sentence was rather difficult to read. It's the "through thick and thin" that's throwing me off. Rewriting the sentence to say "Those original seventeen of the first fight stood through thick and thin to take [...]" It sounds better to me that way.

You were; a Spartan.

Random semi-colon. Take it out.

I'd also put this sentence on it's own paragraph to add more power to it, but that's only because I don't know how this continues. So I'm treating it like the ending line.

As for writing style, it's hard to say because we're not really sure where this takes place in the story, or what significance it has. Is this right from the start? Or do we have more information before it or after it? Like is this just basic back story before the main plot, or rather important? (If it's the latter, I'm going to say show more than tell. Develop it more.)

In general, I'd suggest maybe finding a beta reader to help you with the grammar quirks and the few oddly-worded sentences. This'll help clean up your story and make it a mite easier to read and understand.

Other than the grammar, there's not much else to comment on. Hope this still helps, and is what you were looking for in terms of "helpful criticism".