Inner Hatred: level two

[Kishijoten]

Inner hatred: level two

Day one I saw her coming
through those doors. I
looked into her eyes and
relized that she was
nothing but some fine
young girl.

The beauty that lyed
within her made my eyes
envie her sight. I never
had liked her since I saw
her appear through
those unfortunate doors.

She may have gave me
two jealous eyes but, all
I knew that was my inner hatred
have rised since she came into my life.

Her name was so beautiful
that even the birds coo
at her appearence. Her long
beautiful hair made me
want to beat her up black
and blue.
But, to add to the unpleasent
time she was even athletic
when it was PE time.

As I had sighed all day I
relized what I had that
she didn't. More friends
than her was what I knew.
But, it still didn't matter
because, all I knew. If
she were to by my enemy
so would the land of red
that lyes in our school
and had almost beated
everyone black and blue.

 

[22sa]

Aw, exciting beauty :'D

"If
she were to by my enemy
so would the land of red
that lyes in our school
and had almost beated
everyone black and blue."

O_O . . . Everyone in your school?

@@ Hmph.

 

[Kishijoten]

Aw, exciting beauty :'D

"If
she were to by my enemy
so would the land of red
that lyes in our school
and had almost beated
everyone black and blue."

O_O . . . Everyone in your school?

@@ Hmph.

well not everyone. But it's a poem :3. It's suppose to express your feelings.

 

[Dragon Song]

Comments in italics.

Inner hatred: level two

Day one I saw her coming
through those doors. I I feel like this line need another word or syllable
looked into her eyes and
relized that she was R-e-a-l-i-z-e-d
nothing but some fine
young girl.

The beauty that lyed Lay, not lied.
within her made my eyes
envie her sight. I never e-n-v-y
had liked her since I saw
her appear through Appear is not a very good word choice here
those unfortunate doors.

She may have gave me Given, not gave
two jealous eyes but, all Remove the comma
I knew that was my inner hatred
have rised since she came into my life. Has risen, not have rised

Her name was so beautiful
that even the birds coo
at her appearence. Her long A-p-p-e-a-r-a-n-c-e; also, what does this have to do with her name?
beautiful hair made me
want to beat her up black Remove the word up
and blue.
But, to add to the unpleasent U-n-p-l-e-a-s-a-n-t
time she was even athletic
when it was PE time.

As I had sighed all day I
relized what I had that R-e-a-l-i-z-e-d
she didn't. More friends
than her was what I knew. This phrase doesn't make sense.
But, it still didn't matter
because, Insert 'it was' all I knew. If
she were to by my enemy This should be either 'be' or 'buy' instead of by
so would the land of red
that lyes in our school l-i-e-s
and had almost beated B-e-a-t-e-n
everyone black and blue.

Nice job, but remember to watch your spelling.