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Ron 2o04, that is off-topic, triple posting, and in other words SPAM... Please refrain from doing that. You post before that was also kind of rude laughing at pokey aka espeon's idea...
We got out Route 101 in ten minutes."Where do you sign up"I mummbled to myself.Eliza over heard and pointed straight said"There it is dumb ***""Who da **** you callin dumb ***"**** Laura just go"Eliza said pushing me toward a stand nearby."Would you like to sign up for the race"A lady at the stand asked."Yeah""your pokemon and name please""My name is Laura and my pokemon is Pokey my Espeon""Okay the race will start in 5 minutes and here's
you equptment"She handed me skateboard and leash"Aww coool,the extreme pokemon race"I said.Pokey was in a rushed to get there cause he was tugging on pants."O.k o.k Pokey I'm coming"We found our way to the starting line."On your marks...get set......GOO!!Pokey and I sped off.It was'nt till a second that we found out a Jolteon and his trainer were tied with us.But still we were doing good cause we werte beating Rapidash,Charizard,Dodrio,Raichu,and Persian.Then Jolteon suddenly sparked a thundershock at Pokey,hitting his leg.Pokey musta been pissed cause he shot a powerful Psybeam a Jolteon's Legs.He still would'nt give in.This continued on for two hours and the others gaver up."Pokey look the finishline"I told Pokey.The line moved closer and closer till we finished and won by a nose.After the race we told Jolteon and his trainer good race and Eliza and I continued on to Pedalburg.
Pedalburg was our next stop..But for now we were deep in Route 102.I started to notice Eliza was missing."Where's Eliza"I asked Pokey.Then we heard Eliza's voice."LAURA"I rushed to where the voice was.ThereThere stood Eliza and some men in black.It took less than a split second for me to relize that they were Team Rocket grunts."What's up"I asked her."These men..They're attacking to Zangoose with an egg""Okay brat"One said."You've seen too much,time for a 2-on-2 pokemon battle."GO RATTATA AND ZUBAT"I was starting to think"I thought I got rid of Team Rocket""I'll battle"I told Eliza."No,I want to battle""But Eliza these pokemon are too strong for you""Laura I want to battle"I sighed and said"Okay you can battle""GO PLUS AND MINUS"She yelled as Plusle and Minun popped out."Plus Quick attack Rattata"Plus tackled Rattata in a flash."Rattata Hyper fang"The grunt yelled.Rattata ferociously bit Plus and she Fainted."PLUS"Eliza yelled."Okay Minus Thunderwave Zubat"He struck Zubat with weak electricshocks only strong enough to paralize him."Okay Rattata Hyper fang"
And that finished him off."My turn"I yelled."GO POKEY AND KIP""Okay Pokey psybeam Zubat"That was all too easy cause that just brought Zubat down,
"Rattata Hyper fang that Mudkip["Rattata bit Kip like he did Plus and she fainted."What the ****"I said"Pokey psybeam"Again easy Rattata fainted."****"The grunt said"Retraet and they fled."Thank you,you saved our pokemon"A girl in a green baseball cap skipped torward us."These your pokemon"I asked."Yes"She answered"I've been trying to trade the egg to someone""So you want trade"I said"You want my Lotad"I caught Lotad when we first got to Route 102."Okay"She answered"Oh yeah by the I'm Gina""I'm Laura"I said"And this is...Eliza you okay""I lost"She said."Eliza everyone loses every once in a while"I told her"I lost my first battle"Those memeries flowed through my head.How when Pokey was an Eevee and Princess a Skitty and how she used 2 Double edges to beat him."Wow Laura thanks"She said"C'Mon
Let's trade"Gina said.We traded said our good byes and were off to Pedalburg.
We were still at Route 102 and to slow us down Eliza just had to find a new pokemon since her Plusle and Minun fainted.Unfourtenly she did'nt like the pokemon she was finding now."No not another Zigagoon"She said."She's gotta be less picky about pokemon"I told Pokey."****"She said."I don't wanna a Lotad"Ten minutes later the egg started to hatch"Eliza C'mere"I yelled."The egg's hatching"She rushed to us.There a baby Zangoose broke through the egg."COOL"I said."Boy or girl"Eliza asked."Boy"I replied.Since Eliza was taking so long to catch pokemon I decided to train Zangoose.2 hours later an univited guest came."Hey loser"My rival suddenly said."I've gotten stronger,let's battle""Okay"I said"GO POKEBALL"We said at the same time.The odds were already going against me.My Mudkip popped out while she had a Treeko."Yo *****"I said"I did'nt know you were the type to have a Treeko""I got him from prof.Birch"She said"When he told me he gave you Mudkip I asked him for his Treeko""You *****"I yelled."Laura just shut up and battle""Treeko absorb"Treeko started sucking the life out of Kip."Kip tackle"
Kip rushed torward Treeko knocking him down."Treeko pound"Treeko started punching at Kip."Kip tackle"Kip tried to tackle Treeko but he dodged it."Treeko finish it off absorb"After that Kip fainted."Kip good job return""I love you Treeko return now""GO POKEBALL"We said at the same time again.This time she had Seviper and I had Zangoose."Zangoose Quick attack"I yelled.Zangoose sped torward Seviper tackling her."Seviper poisentail"Seviper's tail turned purple and she banged it against Zangoose"The bad thing is she got a critical hit.Already Zangoose was weak."Quick attack"He did the same thing like before."Bite"My rival said.Seviper bit Zangoose and he fainted.At this point I was starting to get nervous."G-go Pokey"Pokey jumped into battle."Go Princess"Princess jumped to battle like Pokey."Pokey psychic"I commanded.Pokey flashed a Psychic at Princess."Princess Assist"The random attack was poisntail which poisned Pokey."Pokey bite"Pokey bit Princess hoping to make her flinch but she did'nt."Princess Double edge"Princess struck a critical hit.Pokey slowly got up but then he fell down again.Then I relized cause he was poisned that he just fainted."WAHAHAHA look who got the last laugh now"My rival said as she walked away"I lost...I ****en lost"I said.I was on the verge of taers."Laura"Eliza suddenly said"Someone once told me that everyone loses one time or another"My frown broke into a little smile."Now let me show you the pokemon I caught,come on out you guys"A Sanskirt and a Ralts came out."You caught two"I asked"Yeah""Cool""C'mon"She said let's go to Pedalburg.In 5 min. we were there.I rushed to the pokemon center to heal Pokey(Which I was carring)and the others and then went to the gym.
Pedalburg gym battle(Pg 13 for blood and maybe cussing)
I slowly approached the gym."Yes our 1st gym battle in Hoenn"I said to Pokey."Helloooooo any one here"Eliza got creeped out and said"Laura let's go"
"No,I wanna a badge"I told her.""Hello" a voice called out to us.A man appered."I'm Norman"He continued"I'm the gym leader here""Okay"I said"I challenge you""Is a 3-on-3 battle o.k""3's all I got"I said."GO KIP""LET'S GO SLAKING""Kip use takedown"Kip charged at Slaking hella hard."Facade attack"
Slaking started sweating and attacked in anger but Kip was o.k."Kip give it another takedown"We lucked out there cuz Slaking got a critical hit and fainted."VIGEROTH""Kip return"I said"GO ZANGOOSE""Zangoose slash attack"
Zangoose raced up to Vigeroth and just scratched him hard."Vigeroth use your slash"Vigeroth did the same thing.This went on for about 3 turn till Vigeroth fainted."Go Slaking""Another one" I asked"Yup""o.k Slaking get ready""For what" I thought."**** it Zangoose just use slash""Slaking dodge it"
Slaking dodged the attack in a flash."NOOOW"Norman yelled."FOCUS PUNCH"Slaking punched Zangoose so hard that there was smoke"Zangoose you o.k"He was'nt he just laid there fainted."Zangoose great return""Go Kip"
"Slaking facade"Slaking did it again he k.o.ed Kip."O.k Pokey go for it"Pokey jumped on to battle."Pokey psychic"Pokey flashed the attack at Slaking but..something was wrong.Slaking did'nt even try to move.Norman saw the confused look on my face and said"Slaking only attacks every other turn""Slaking facade"This Slaking was stronger than the 1st one cuz Pokey spat out a mouthful of blood."Pokey psychic"Pokey did what he did before but Slaking still hung on.Slaking on his turn well...Slacked off."Pokey use psychic again"Pokey barley hit him by a finger"Slaking Facade"Slaking hit Pokey's face and it was also a critical hit.Pokey was breathing heavley and his nose was bleeding alot.But then I noticed his nose was'nt the only thing bleed ,his mouth and the rest of his body was too."Pokey you ok""You don't have to keep on battling you should rest"Pokey got up and but he wanted to continue fighting."Pokey you should rest"Pokey refused."Pokey you need to rest"But he would'nt come."You really want to fight"I asked.Pokey nodded."Ok Pokey go for it""You too ready to fight now"Norman asked"**** yeah"I said."Ok then let's see who's better trainer"Norman said."Ok Pokey now's your chance,Slaking's Slaking off use Psychic"Pokey used his strongest psychic and the room got all bright.The next thing I knew Slaking fainted."We won Pokey""Congraulatoins Laura,Pokey"Eliza said."Here's the balence badge"Norman said as he handed me the badge.I shone it in the sun."Wow"I said"My 1st Hoenn badge"We went to the pokemon center and was off to Rustboro city.
We were on the road to Pedalburg woods.We want to get there before night.
Pokey was racing ahead as usual."Pokey where are you going"I asked.Then I looked ahead saw an old man sitting with a Wingull."Hi"I told him."Hello"He said."I'm on the road to Dewford island,how do you get there""I could take you there"He said"Really""Yeah but you have to do do one thing""Okay"I said
"No task is too tough for me Laura""Okay you have to beat Roxann of Rustboro""So anyway what type of pokemon does she use""Rock type"ROCK
TYPE?!?"I shouted"I HAVE A MUDKIP""But her rock type beat Peeko my Wingull and she was at a way higher level""So,it'll be a piece a cake""Ok good luck lass"And Eliza,Pokey and I started again for the woods we get there there and set up camp.
We were lost in the woods and to bring even more trouble we were smelling smoke."Something's burning Laura"Eliza told me"I know"Then a Ziggagoon ran
out a bush.Then we relized the fire was getting closer."Well well well what do we have here" A voice called out to us."2 girls and an Espeon I see""Who are you"Eliza shouted."I'm from Team Magma""Great"I thought"Another Team"
"Why'd you set the woods on fire"Eliza asked."Cause I felt like it""I challenge you"Eliza shouted"GO NUMEL"The Magma said."SANSKIRT"Eliza yelled."Sanskirt water gun"Sanskirt sprayed Numel making him faint."GO POOCHYENA""Sanskirt water gun"But her attack missed."Poochyena bite" Poochyena bit Sanskirt but she still hung on."Quick attack"Sanskirt sped torward the pup but he was ok."Poochyena bite 1 more time"This made Sanskirt faint."Go Minus :14: "Now Minus finish it off quick attack"And that was Eliza's 1st victory."LAURA WE WON""Good job Eliza""Grrrr...You girls may have won this time but wait till next time"And he fled.A few hours later were still walking when suddenly the trees were clearing and by then we knew we
were out the woods.(I did use Kip to put out the fire)
Next time:Ninetail's and Princess's crush on Pokey.
So when we got to the end of Route 104 we imedietly ran into last person we wanted to see.....My rival!!!"Hey losers"She snickered."What are you doing here"I asked."Buying flowers""It figues for a prissy girly girl like you""Sup losers".Another voice called out.I imedetly knew it was our other rival Eddy."Oh no"We both said.Then Persion started to slash at Princess."Kekekekeke"Eddy snickered."My Persion's better than your Delcatty"
Princess then double egded Persion."Well I guess our pokemon are riavals like us"Eddy went on."No"I said"Persion and Princess have a crush on Pokey""Ha!!
your loser Espeon,NO WAY"To prove it Princess and Persion kissed at the same time.Persion at the left cheek and Princess at the right."Well Pokey should be with Princess"My rival said"They would make a cute couple""No way Persion was born for Pokey""How about a battle to settle this""Fine""Princess fight for your date""Persion you too""Persion slash"Persion scratched up a powerful slash."Princess double edge"And she struck back."Persion thunder"
Persion shocked Princess paralizing her."Princess double edge"But she did'nt move."Now Persion bite"And that did it she beat Princess."No"My rival said as
Persion came to claim her prize.But Pokey dodged the kiss and ran to Princess helping her up."HEY POKEY PERSION WON FAIR AND SQUARE"But it was'nt
Pokey's idea to have you 2 fight"I said."Hmmph,well then I'm going then so long losers"And he just ran off."So anyway We're resting here"Us too"I said.
So we did but kept our distance.2 hours later I woke up from a nap to Pokey
on 1 side of a nearby lake and Princess on another.They looked at each other
like...Like they like each other.2 be honsett though I knew about their lil thing for each other the whole time.
We were finally in Rustboro.We got to the gym as our 1st stop."Yo Roxanne,I
challenge you"I yelled."Okay"Her sprang out of nowhere"Let's battle"And just like that the battle began."Kip let's go""I'll lead with....GEODUDE""Kip watergun"
I yelled.Kip did her thing hitting Geodude."Geodude tackle""Kip dodge it and use watergun"She the exacty what I said beating her."HA!!!!That was too easy"I laughed.But when she got her Nosepass out I found that she was the main obsticle."Kip watergun"Kip sprayed the watergun at Nosepass."Nosepass
Zap cannon"And she shocked Kip instanly paralizing her."Hey"I yelled"Nosepass
is at too low of a level to learn zap cannon unless.......Her parents both knew that move when she was an egg""Very good,Laura you must of studied alot about pokemon""Kip watergun but she was too paralized to move."Nosepass
zap cannon"She hit Kip again."Kip this is no good return"But she had enough
strenth to dodge the pokeball.She then started to talk."I understood her.
She was saying Pokey always gets to and that she want to a chance to beat a gym leader."Ok Kip watergun"Kip did the same thing as b4."Nosepass tackle"
"Kip move out of the way"And that's what she did."NOW"I yelled"WATERGUN"
Kip finished her off and we won."Good job Laura"The leader said."Thanx u too"
"Kip we did it we got our second Hoenn gym badge".When we left we went to the mountains to check it.
Either somebody doesn't know how to paragraph, or there's something wrong with copying and pasting from word-processor to PC, as my eyes were @_@ when reading that fic. Don't be afraid to branch out, it makes the fic look longer, and that was one of the things I was going to say. Remember that you start a new paragraph when a change of time, place, event or speaker happens.
Also, I couldn't picture any description with anything. I'll give an example of where to improve on:
"Kip, get out of the way... NOW!!!" I shouted at Kip. She instantly responded by jumping out of the way of the incoming attack, and poising herself for her next command.
Well, it could be better than that, but that's the best I can come up with in 2 minutes. The plot iteslf is looking fine. All you need to work on is paragraphing, description and length (which will improve if you use the other two correctly).
Laura is a 12 year old girl from New Bark Town.She has been a trainer since she was 6 with Pokey by her side the whole time.She beat the Kanto,Johto,and Orange islands gym leader.She is a trash talker but not a
bad person.
Pokey is hasty Espeon.His parents were kiddnapped by Team Rocket and his egg abandoned(Which Laura evenually found).Later his Eevee mom and Quilava dad was killed by TR.To this day Pokey seeks revenge from TR.
When we got to the mountains Eliza started to say"Laura
uh...I g-got ssssomething to say""What"I asked"UMM......
never mind ,I'll tell you when we're at Rusturf tunnel""OK"
I answered.
Then a voice laughed out"Hahahah I remember you brats"
Then that same Team Rocket grunt that atacked Zangoose's parents appered."I've been looking 4 you
2 get revenge,let's battle""Bring it on"I boldy said."No
wait Laura"Eliza said"I want to get him back 4 beating me the last time""Alright"
So the battle began."Go Plus and Minus"Eliza yelled."Go Golbat and Raticate""Plus thunderwave Golbat"Little blue
sparks came out of Plus and 2 Golbat paralizing him."Minus
spark Raticate"Sparks flew out of Minus heading 4 Raticate.
"Raticate hyper fang Minus"Raticate ferosously bit Minus but he wuz ok.Golbat wuz 2 paralized to move."Plus spark
Golbat"Fourtunly it wuz a critiacal hit and it defeated him.
"Minus thunder wave Raticate"Minus did same thunderwave like Plus and paralized him.Raticate wuz 2 paarlized 2 move like Golbat wuz."Plus helping hand and Minus finish it off" and the amazing duo did what they were told and won."So you won this time but you 2 watch
I'll win and get my revenge have you and your pokemon as
my slaves"The grunt said as he ran away.
So we got 2 the tunnel."So Eliza you were--ooomph"I said
as I bumped into a boulder."Oh nothing"She said looking at the rock."Um let's just go to Dewford.And we rushed 2
Mr Briney and he took us 2 the island I went straight to the gym.
