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It's a poem! read it!...haha...now

John Denver

Banned
8,290
Posts
20
Years
    • The Truth

    What is pain but a feeling
    Love but a thought
    Laughter but a speech
    That ends up for naught

    What is Joy but a premise
    A Friend but a corpse
    Everything dies
    Except for remorse

    When you think about life
    you'll soon get depressed
    of all there is to think
    about sin's duress

    I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
     

    Blaine

    Mon chere...
    828
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • I have corrections. Mmkay-daisy, "joy" does not need to be capitalized even if it is used as a noun or like an emotion or jeez... Do you get what I'm saying? Same for "friend". You used the second person pronoun "you'll" as well as a contraction. No no no... In poetry and writing in basic, general rule, no contractions. Replace "you'll" with "one shall". Capitalize the first words of the last stanza like you did in the others.

    Angst... I see so much of it when I go to competition. Overall, Dakota, it's not your best.

    And yes, do not think like this. It'll screw you up really badly and you'll have to go through years of therapy like me and take icky medicines. So be angst free.

    And as always, please pardon my critisism. You know I'm only offering advice.
     

    John Denver

    Banned
    8,290
    Posts
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    Years
    • Girl from Tennessee

    In Tennessee down where the buffalo roam
    Lives a girl, named Blaine, in a Tennessee home
    With a Tennessee sis and a Tennessee life
    She'll court a Tennessee man an' be a Tennessee wife

    Tennesse you say? Where on earth would that be?
    On the eastern USA you would find Tennessee
    With it's long, narrow look...Tennessee is all plain
    That is, until you meet, my good buddy Blaine

    She'll liven you up with Tennessee chatter
    And write a Tennessee poem about Tennessee matters
    As a lyricist goes she's a Tennessee best
    And she'll ask you not to look at her Tennessee chest

    Heh, I had to add that last part...BOO ya!
     

    Brittany

    Back?
    4,294
    Posts
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    Years
    • Blaine said:
    I have corrections. Mmkay-daisy, "joy" does not need to be capitalized even if it is used as a noun or like an emotion or jeez... Do you get what I'm saying? Same for "friend". You used the second person pronoun "you'll" as well as a contraction. No no no... In poetry and writing in basic, general rule, no contractions. Replace "you'll" with "one shall". Capitalize the first words of the last stanza like you did in the others.

    Angst... I see so much of it when I go to competition. Overall, Dakota, it's not your best.

    And yes, do not think like this. It'll screw you up really badly and you'll have to go through years of therapy like me and take icky medicines. So be angst free.

    And as always, please pardon my critisism. You know I'm only offering advice.
    Click to expand...
    That's not advice, that's rubbish. As any real poet would know, he can capitalize any words he wants in order to better show his emotions or reflect his feelings. Poetry has no rules, in fact, the only way we can really determine if something is poetry or not is how we accept it, and I guess you don't accept that work at all.

    I like the poems, keep up the good work Lulu!
     

    Shana

    bigmouth strikes again.
    4,617
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Dakota said:
    The Truth

    What is pain but a feeling
    Love but a thought
    Laughter but a speech
    That ends up for naught

    What is Joy but a premise
    A Friend but a corpse
    Everything dies
    Except for remorse

    When you think about life
    you'll soon get depressed
    of all there is to think
    about sin's duress

    I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
    Click to expand...
    Awesome poem...I like it a lot.
     

    Blaine

    Mon chere...
    828
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Dakota said:
    Girl from Tennessee

    In Tennessee down where the buffalo roam
    Lives a girl, named Blaine, in a Tennessee home
    With a Tennessee sis and a Tennessee life
    She'll court a Tennessee man an' be a Tennessee wife

    Tennesse you say? Where on earth would that be?
    On the eastern USA you would find Tennessee
    With it's long, narrow look...Tennessee is all plain
    That is, until you meet, my good buddy Blaine

    She'll liven you up with Tennessee chatter
    And write a Tennessee poem about Tennessee matters
    As a lyricist goes she's a Tennessee best
    And she'll ask you not to look at her Tennessee chest

    Heh, I had to add that last part...BOO ya!
    Click to expand...
    My dear Dakota, you're ruining my hard outside. How can I be Miss Jolly Rancher if I'm not tough? ^^''' I appreciate the flattery? I'm just blushing as red as the autumn leaves. I do hope I won't alope to a Tennessee man though... Heheh. But yep, Tennessee is as plain as our front door, though I must say we know how to have a fun time at a football game. Haha. Darn those second person pronouns, arrrr. Hehe. How can I begin to correct your poetry when I'm reverted to a bundle of laughter?

    LittleFascistPanties16 said:
    That's not advice, that's rubbish. As any real poet would know, he can capitalize any words he wants in order to better show his emotions or reflect his feelings. Poetry has no rules, in fact, the only way we can really determine if something is poetry or not is how we accept it, and I guess you don't accept that work at all.
    Click to expand...
    I can only shrug and say that as you have opinions, I do as well. Poetry has many many rules. There is no such thing as a concept without boundaries. Only published poets have right to a poetic liscense. Poetry is not my forte; I am an essayist at heart. And my corrections convey my niche. Like beauty, acceptance is in the eye of the beholder. Only may one's person determine if she accepts a piece or not. Call it rubbish if you must, but I see nothing wrong with constructive criticism.
     

    Brittany

    Back?
    4,294
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Blaine said:
    I can only shrug and say that as you have opinions, I do as well. Poetry has many many rules. There is no such thing as a concept without boundaries. Only published poets have right to a poetic liscense. Poetry is not my forte; I am an essayist at heart. And my corrections convey my niche. Like beauty, acceptance is in the eye of the beholder. Only may one's person determine if she accepts a piece or not. Call it rubbish if you must, but I see nothing wrong with constructive criticism.
    Click to expand...
    Since when did poems have any real rules? That almost completely trashes the concept of poetry in the first place. If you can't express what you feel, or what you need to say, the way that you feel it needs to be done, then what can we consider poetry? People make line breaks(in the wrong areas), spelling errors, and capitalization(where it doesn't really need it), just to better express the way they feel about the subject they portray. The only real rule, is that there are no rules.
     

    Blaine

    Mon chere...
    828
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • LittleFascistPanties16 said:
    Since when did poems have any real rules? That almost completely trashes the concept of poetry in the first place. If you can't express what you feel, or what you need to say, the way that you feel it needs to be done, then what can we consider poetry? People make line breaks(in the wrong areas), spelling errors, and capitalization(where it doesn't really need it), just to better express the way they feel about the subject they portray. The only real rule, is that there are no rules.
    Click to expand...
    I'm not going to sit and have a quarrel of pens. You can choose to ignore my comments if it would make you feel better. We all see things differently and are entitled to our own opinions. Ours are dissimilar, end of story.
     

    John Denver

    Banned
    8,290
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Just Remember

    There are lots of times when one might say
    "What if I took my life today?
    I tell you now, to reconsider
    A choice like that is always bitter

    Your life, your soul, your memories
    Taken away with painful ease
    End your time on God's green earth?
    Make your death as natural as birth!

    When your time is done, let it be good
    Don't end it shorter than you should
    Cherish the moment, forget the bad
    Remember the wonderful times you had!

    If ever I need say something more
    Suicide holds one more thing in store
    Though self-destruction leaves a mortal welt
    You kill you friends as you do yourself

    meh...I'm done for today
     

    John Denver

    Banned
    8,290
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • The day

    My life was initially ruined
    the day I told her I loved her
    why did I do it?
    heat of the moment where
    anything you want to do
    you'll do
    without ever thinking of the consequences.
    Idiot.

    I'm losing my friends in
    what seems to be an overnight occasion
    and there's nothing I can do about it!
    Why did I tell her
    that I loved her
    when at the time that she thought I didn't
    my life was fine
     
    Last edited:

    John Denver

    Banned
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    • I changed it to make it easier to read...if you think my poems are good, you should see blaines work in Other Writing

    it SPANKS mine
     

    John Denver

    Banned
    8,290
    Posts
    20
    Years
    • Bothered

    What I once was the king of all
    Now I'm just a lowly nooB
    Punched and Beaten
    By those I once respected
    As friends
    good friends
    best friends
    What once was regarded as funny is now annoying
    Cool now stupid
    Smart now un-intelligent
    What happened? Why did it happen?
    The only ones that know the answers to those questions
    are the ones that are beating me.
     

    Kelsey

    ~-*-~-*-~-*-~
    1,912
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Seen Mar 30, 2005
    I like it, Dakota. I think the flow's a wee bit choppy, but then, I have had poems like that as well. The peom's meaning is as clear as day. I just rated Liquid Lighting's poem and also found that the flow could use some work, but his peom's meaning stood out very well also. Your poem suggests a theory that even simple peeaceful things can be dark. Like the thought of all your friends dying out. Or even staring blankly at a beautiful blooming rose to watch it suddenly wilt in the moonlight. Very good poem. 9/10

    ~Kelsey

    EDIT: This rating was for teh first poem, just so's you know. ^_^
     

    PikaPal

    Ghost Type Master
    2,002
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Dakota said:
    The Truth

    What is pain but a feeling
    Love but a thought
    Laughter but a speech
    That ends up for naught

    What is Joy but a premise
    A Friend but a corpse
    Everything dies
    Except for remorse

    When you think about life
    you'll soon get depressed
    of all there is to think
    about sin's duress

    I can't think of anything else...but really now, this is how the "smart" people like to think nowadays...don't think like this poem says
    Click to expand...

    I like this poem. It really does make you think about why in the world do we exsist if life just sux anyways? You have to pick out tthe positives in life, not the negatives!
     

    John Denver

    Banned
    8,290
    Posts
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    Years
    • On my first poem, I really only meant the first 4 lines to be meaningful at all...the next two stanzas are rushed and un-important, the first 4 lines (or mainly first 2) tell you everything.
     
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