johto's new dawn

[i love garchomp]

the beginning of a new journey is tough and we all know that but this story fits that exactly....


Chapter 1



Zack's first pokemon!!
a beautiful mourning in the johto region also the mourning zack goes to see prof. elm for his starter pokemon! he has been thinking for a while and has decided to choose totodile the big jaw pokemon
little did he know a boy named silver had his eye on the totodile also...
2 hours later ...............
zack had arrived at prof. elm's laboratory and as he walked in a boy had just stolen a pokemon saying i finally got totodile!! the boy made a quick exit and zack ran to prof. elm saying "please tell me you still have a totodile", prof. elm said" i do he took chickorita by mistake oh well here your Pokemon =/
(Zack"Alright!") my first pokemon!!!

"Thank you prof.elm!!!" "sure now only cyndaquil left.."
-as zack runs out the door he runs into his mother and she gives him a pokegear while prof.elm gives him a pokedex, then zack started walking down route 1 and saw a creature cloaked in blue light dash in the forest and watchs in awe then remembers his pokedex, Suicune the aurora pokemon,
It races around the world to purify fouled water. It dashes away with the north wind.
-zack-"wow i wish i could catch that some day"
-zack arrives in cherrygrove city and heads to voilet city along the way zack runs into a cave that was very cold and a sneasnel attacked but zack had totodile!-
-zack-"go totodile!" -zack-"use water gun!"-water gun knocks out sneasnel- -zack- "wow that must be a baby ill ctach it!, Go pokeball!!"-1,2....3 *ding* I caught sneasnel!!!!
-zack leaves the cave fights 3 trainers and arrives in voilet city-
"theres the gym!!" -zack arrives in gym-

Chapter 2
The First gym!!!


volkener i challenge you!"
-volkener "i accet your challenge"-
-zack- go totodile!
-volkener- go spearow!
-zack- water gun!
volkener- Dogde it!
-zack- totodile use bite!!
-sucessful hit
-volkener spearow use peck!
-zack- Dogde it!
-zack- finish it totodile use water gun!!
-knocks out spearow
-volkener good match return,.... go pigeteo(or something)
watergun!!!!
-v- dogde!
-v- mud slap!!
-successful hit
totodile use water gun!!
-v- whirlwind
-attacks collide and whirlwind break though throwing totodile out of the match K.O.
-z- good job totdile return -za-, go sneasnel!
-z- icy wind!!
-freezes pigeoto's wing and it falls
-z- use scratch sneasnel!
-k.o-
-z wins the badge!!-

-z-"off to azalea town!"
-z arrives in azalea town seeing a strange man wearing black blocking off the well-
-z- "oh well"

Chapter 3
Second gym

-z-"bugsy i challenge you!"
-b- ok..
-b- go metapod
-z- go totodile use bite
-k.o-
-b- thats what you expect from metapod..,-go kanana
-z- water gun-
-ko
-b- those are weak pokemon here my scyther!!!
-b- use fury cutter!!
-z- totodile no!
-almost done for o.o-
-z- what happenign?!?!!?!??!, totodile is evolving!!!
-totodile evolves into crowonaw
-z- oh yeah!
-z-water gun!!
-b- fury cutter-
-z- dogde and bite it!
-b- oh no-
-z- throw it!-
-ko-
-b- heres your badge good match
-z- yeah!!!

-z goes to goldenrod town-
-z- look a mareep lets catch it!
-z- poke ball go!-
-1,2...*break*
-z- oh wait i gotta weaken it
-crowcanaw use water gun-,-ko- -z- "pokeball get it!
-1,2...3 *ding*
-z- yay i caught mareep!

Chapter 4
the thrid badge
cool goldenrod dept store
-clerk- psst hey kid come here ill sell you a tm called thunderpunch for that crowcanaw
of yours
-z- okay thank you
-z goes to gym-
i challenge you whintey
-w- ok go snuball
-z- go mareep use thunderbolt-ko-
-w- omg go miltank!
-z- use thunderbolt!
-w- rollout
-break thunderbolt and kos mareep
-z- grr go sneasnel use icy wind on the floor!!
-floor freezes-
-w- what was that for rollout now!
-miltank uses rollout and slides wrong way losing control
-z- sneasnel metal claw!!
ko
here your badge

-z- yay
-w- oh and take this
-z- obtained the squirtbottle
-z- yay
-z goes to the park contest and catchs a scyther , then goes to ecterteak city after beating sudowudoo
mareep evolves into flaffy, and arrives in the gym

Chapter 5 4th gym

-z- i challenge you
-morty- ok go haunter!
-z- go flaffy use thunderbolt!
-m- haunter use curse!
ko
flaffy takes damage
-m- go haunter use shadow ball1!
-ko
-z- return, go crowconaw use thunderpunch and follow with water gun!
ko
-m- good go gengar!
-m- shadow ball and hyponsis
crownaw dogde and use water gun before hyponsis strikes!
-epic fail- ko -z- return!
go scyther! use fury cutter!
-m- dodge and use shadow ball
-z- slash
-cuts shadow ball in half and explodes knocking out both pokemon
-z- ya i win!
-m0 heres your badge!

-z- woot!
-z- heads over towards ovline city and see entei!!
-z- pokeball go! :-[] *break*
-entei firebalsted zack-
-z- ouch collasped-..
-z wakes up in a lighthouse-
-z- where am i?
-jasmine- in the lighthouse i found you stranded and burnt
-z- oh yeah i saw entei
-j- entei oh my , anyways im the gym leader of this town
-z-ok then i challenge you
-j- i will only accept your challenge if you get medcine from the next town
-z- okay brb

Chapter 6
the sick amphorus
-z arrives in cianwood town and gets the medcine but he sees a gym and cloudn't resist it-
-z- i challenge you gym leader!..guy
-chuck- ok i accept go poliwrath!
-z- goes flaffy thunder!!
-c-poliwrath dynicpunch!
-z- dodge and use thinder
ko
-c- good go primeape use focus punch
-z- dodge and use signal beam!
-z- finish it thunderbolt
ko
heres your badge
-z-sweet

-as zack exits the gym he catchs a slugma and a pigeot
-z- go pigeot fly me bak to oivline town
-z releases pigeot and runs to the gym leader give her the medcine heals the amphorus and his flaffy evolves into a amphorus too?!?!!?
-z- now will you challeng eme?
-j- yes i will
-bak at the gym
-z- go crownaw
-j- go steelix!
-z- water gun
-j- sandstorm!
-z- try hydro pump!!
-j- steelix noooooo! ko
-j- go magnemite thunderbolt
-z- dodge and use focus punch!
ko
-j- heres your badge

​

-z- ty

-zack goes to the next cityand defeat pyrce , pyrce is boirng no battle he died!
on the way to blackthorn city slugma evoles and so does scyther
-z- finally blk thorn city what is that a raikou!?!?!?!
-???- wow that s all three nice to see you again
-z- hey your kid that stole chickorita
-???- i have a name its silver and yes i did wannaq batle
-z - your on!!
-zack- go sneasnel!
-silver- go ursaring!
-z- sneasnel use ice beam
-s- dodge and use hyper beamko
-z- return
-z- go crowconaw!!!
-z- water gun!
-s- dodge and use focus blast!
-z- no!
-crowconaw bar [ | ]
-evoled into ferilagtor
-ice punch!
ko
-s- retunr
-s- go meganium
-soarbeam
-z- ice beam

2x ko
-z,s- return
-z- go scizor
-s- go my last pokemon ho-oh
-z- oh crap
-s- scared fire!
ko
go amphorus thunder!
-s- hooh scared fire ko
go macargo
-s- use hyerbeam ko
-z- i lost
-z runs to pokemon center
-healed-

Chapter 7
the last gym of johto

-z- i challenge you
-clair bring it!
-z- go sneasnel
-c- go dragonair
-z- icebeam
-c- dragonbreath
icce beam breaks ko
-z- nice job sneasnel
-sneasnel"snea?
-c- go dragonair
-z- icywind
ko
-z-wow..
-c- go dragonair
-z- blizzard
ko
-c- go kingdra!
-z-metal claw
-c- hydro pump
ko
-z- return
-z- go feraligator thunderpunch!
ko
-z- ill take my badge now fine here

-and so zack defeats the pokemon league-different story-
zack go to the seaform islands and captures lugia in a masterball
we cut bak in bak at new bark town
-z- i need to think about my journey
-ring ring -
-z- hello
- .........-oh its me prof.elm i have something fo ryou
-z- what is it?
-pe- a ticket for the kanto region and hoenn region you can go whenever you want
-z- wow ty p.e i dont know what to say ill be right over kanto here i come!


......so our story ends for now next monday zack will set off for kanto for yet another journey......

 

[Citrinin]

This story suffers from numerous problems, but I'm going to point out the two gaping ones, which need to be fixed before you can move to fix these smaller ones.

The first is your style. It reads like a game log, with shaky grammar, at best. There is little personality in the characters, and bare-bones description. You need to fix this, either by making it into a script (difficult to do effectively, so I wouldn't recommend it), or a narrative.

The second is the pacing. This story indicates very little other than battles with gym leaders. You need to show us the in-between of the battles, the journey, the developing characters, et cetera.

I recommend restarting your fic, fixing these main issues. Possibly, you could read some other fics or advice guides so you know what you should be aiming for. Sorry if this was harsh, but it's all in the name of making you a better author. :)

 

[Astinus]

Script fics aren't allowed, according to the PFF&P rules. Your fic, with its ill-written dialogue and complete lack of description, falls under what would be called a "badly written script fic".

Don't use random pictures in the middle of your fic. Same with the trainer cards randomly popping up all over the place. Readers can keep track of the three Pokemon your character caught.

Also, what freezing cold cave outside Violet City? The only cave outside Violet City is the Dark Cave, which isn't cold.

And it's not good to have your character see a legendary Pokemon the instant he steps out of New Bark Town.

Closed for not meeting the standards of PFF&P.