Journey to the Past PG 13

[empoleonrules]

Hi!like always i've ritten atleast 1 fanfic on every forum i've been to.Soooo>_><_<....i'm making one here!
................................................................. Are hero terri has just beaten the pokemon league and came to see his old pal Roark,"Staraptor use fly!We're heading to enterna city"said terri remembering the more he walked the more the egg would develop."SSSTTTAAAAAARRRAAAPPPTTTOOORRR"yelled the the bird pokemon and soon they arrived in enterna to first see
gardenia then head to roark.Gardenia wasn't at the gym so Terri decided to go to the old chatue.He sent out all his pokemon,Empoleon,liaron,and staraptor.You three are gonna' protect me through this forest and mansion .K?The pokemon nodded in approval.


Staraptor scouted ahead in search of gardenia then he spotted a person...He seemed so familiar..."CYRUS!" he shouted in horror cyrus the leader of team galactic was on the top and he saw Gardenia crying with blood running down her arm, hochkrow pecking at her head, Crobat slapping her with his wings and weavile slicing at her arm!Terri ran into the building remembering to call has pokemon to keep up. When he reached the top he told his pokemon to battle Cyrus away.

"Ah you finnally made it terri.After you defeated me at spear pillar I've been looking for you so I captured Gardenia and I've been trying to make her spill the beans about you're location."said Cyrus."I don't know what you want but you're not geting it !Empoleon hydro cannon!!"said Terri"EEEEMMPOLLEOONN"said empoleon shooting enormous mount of water some washing away gardenia's blood and the rest blowing Cyrus and his pokemon at least to Hoenn but his honchkrow and crobat saved them but they were unconsius and in trees.

.................................................................what do you think?Please post comments
I will not continue until somebody posts

 

[empoleonrules]

nvm......i'll just continue since i just had bad thoughts...


"Thanks Terri!Those guys had me tied up!"said gardenia."i'll just untie you now"said Terri."Thank you"then Gardenia gave terri a kiss on the cheek,terri falling backwards blushing and landing on lairons back and empoleon&Staraptor laughing.

Narrator:a few hours later

"What just went on?"said Terri in a confused tone of voice."I gave you a little thankyou for saving me from those goons and you fell down..."said gardenia."Oh.."Terri blushing."I came here to see you..."all off the sudden two of his eggs hatched a black bird and a green gecko game out!"Cool my treecko and murkrow hatched!"said terri.all of the sudden the door slammed open and Damion came in"Terri how you been doing,rival?"said the blonde
kid.Then Dawn and Prof. Rowan came bursting in.


"Terri are you ok?"said Dawn"Ya just fine,why?"."we heard from the gym assistant that you went to go look for gardenia so we went after you!"Said Prof. Rowan."We have urgent news from Roark telling you to go there,Him and Maylene are in great trouble!"said Damion"We got to head to orebourgh city right away!"said Dawn."got to hurry then!"Terri Shouted moitoning gardenia to come along.

"me and gardenia will go with staraptor,Damion will go with...:"Hold up I can go with my Torttera and Staraptor!"said damion followed up by dawn yelling at him and knocking him cold"Please continue terri"said Dawn."As i was saying Dawn Damion and Prof. Rowan will go with Treecko,Murkrow,Lairon and Empoleon"Said Terri."Let's hurry!"Said Gardenia hopping onto starptor's back" Staraptor use Fly"Exclaimed Terri Jumping on staraptor's back with Gardenia.

 

[empoleonrules]

Bleh...SInce there isn't much replies i'm doing chapter 3
.................................................................

Narrator:AT orebourgh early in the morning

"CYRUS!!"Exlaimed Gardenia and Terri"Ah Terri you have come just in time."Said Cyrus with a big machine standing beside him."It's time!"All of the sudden Roark,And Maylene come out tied up and bleeding like Gardenia was"TERRI,NO IT'S A TRAP"Exclaimed Dawn,And Prof. Rowan, Draging Behind the unconcios Damion Behind them.Then Cyrus pulls a lever and everybody around is zapped into the machine!

"where are we?"Said Maylene"We're 16 million years back in time!That fiend Cyrus took the revival machine and modified it to send us back in time but didn't mean to get everybody else!"said Roark"wahh,...OH MY GOSH WHERE ARE WE?!?!"yelled Damion."Don't worry you'll find out someday...in about a decade!"Said dawn and Terri Teasing"ENOUGH!"Said Prof. Rowan"We Need to work togethor To get out of here!" "You're right!We do need to work As a team!"Said Maylene"So we will devide people into certian jobs each day"Said Roark You Youngsters will go look for Natural Necessaties and me And Rowan will work on creating another time machine.So let's get started.You all go get food,Firewood,Water,And mateiral to build tents!"


"k Let's go"said terri with everybody behind him."Mabye i should split us up to go collect stuff Me And Damion will go collect water with Empoleon and Floatzel.Dawn,Maylene<And Gardenia will go find food and fire wood with the rest of are pokemon and we'll all Get some supplies for tents."


Narrator:Several long boring not really intresting hours later

"I guess will sleep somewhere else sing we needed those very rare supplies to cover up the machine I guess Rowan And Roark should sleep under those rockes high above head I'll sleep on that Large tree branch there, The rest of you can sleep over there on the cliff with the tree branch like the one i'll sleep on leading over there."Said Terri.All of the sudden an Aerodacytle come and uses wing attack on Terri before he could grab his pokeballs he got sliced accross the arm severly."TERRI"Everyone shouted and rushed towards Terri"Ouch,That hurt,I have some medecine in my backpack"Just as Terri reached his backpack he saw aerodacytle come back and was using giga impact at high speed"OOOOOOOOOOF!!!"Yelped Terri in pain"Empoleon,Use ice beam"Said Terri in pain..The big Penguin pokemon Shot a huge frozen beam at aerodacytle proving Empoleon Domonaint."Treecko can you go get me some sprays and a bandage from my bag" Treecko nodded and walked over to Terri's bag and got a bandage from it."Thank's Treecko"Said Terri in Extreme pain as he aplyed ointment and put bandages on his wounds as he climed up in the tree with his pokemon.Then he opened his eyes and Dawn was sitting beside him and Staraptor pecking at her in rage."Calm down Staraptor"Said terri as he fell asleep smiling.

 

[empoleonrules]

ahh .,.it just needs to be better -_-
.....................,.....,....,.,.,.,..........................
it's early in the morning and everybody was asleep...
"OOOF"said terry as candice fell from the sky like they did."What happened?" "I went to go see Roark and a loonatic sent be through the machine."said candice"what happened to you're arm and stomach Terri"asked Candice."An Aerodacytle sliced me across the arm and rammed into my stomach,It isn't much"explained Terri
As dawn was sitting in the tree thinking about how to get rid of Candice so she could be with Terri as she knew Terri liked Candice so she somehow had to get rid of her.

Meanwhile back in the present

"It looks real bad Terri,mabye you should rest today"Suggested Candice as Terri slowly climbed up in the tree as Candice suggested."staraptor go search for pokemon,If they're near just tell me" "STAAARRAPTOR" Said the the bird of prey as it fly off soon out of sight.An hour later Staraptor Came back and an aerodactyl was in pursuit witch was getting chased by Oymaster, And Kabutops,Atleast 24 of each speacies.The Aerodacytle flew out of sight will the others were trying to knock Terri off.And so they did the Aplha male of the Oymaster and Kabutops came out and started attacking Terri"OOOUUCCCHHH"Terri screamed as Kabotps sliced at his wound and Oymaster blasted him with water.
Luckily Candice saw before they could hit an organ and she knew she had to hurry before Terri dies from that assualt so she told Medicham to use focus blast to clear the way before Terri gets extremely hurt as she healed his wounds,unaware and uncouncious Terri just lay there as if he were dead.As soon as the others arrived Candice told tthem everything,wich made Dawn more angry, and told them to just let him be

Next day Terri woke up only to have bandages over his body and unaware of what happened "Staraptor and Empoleon wouldn't leave your side untill you were awake i was afriad you wouldn't wake up though"Explained Candice as Empoleon,Staraptor,treecko,Lairon,and Murkrow all rushed towards Terri and all happy to see him awake finnally awake.As Terri Limped to the table they obvoisly made while he was asleep as he was so hungry he could eat a horse...erhem...rapidasheating everything in site as Professer Rowan explained they could get back in a month and Damion staring at Terri's wounds
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please post...
pwease give advice*does puppy eyes*

 

[Astinus]

Generally, it's not a good idea to post chapters two hours apart. You need to give readers time to come in and read what you posted so that they can review what you did write. This way, you can improve with each chapter.

One definite thing that you need to improve on is grammar and spelling. Write your story on some sort of word processing program that comes with spell-check. You can catch some of the spelling errors that were made.

But these programs don't catch grammar. A good way to learn grammar is to read a lot of other fictions. This includes both fanfictions and published works that you find in book stores. You can learn a lot about writing just by reading.

For now, work on hitting the Enter bar twice to make a new paragraph. It's easier to read then. You make a new paragraph whenever someone speaks.

A thread that you should read through can be found here. It's full of useful information that can help you as you write.

 

[empoleonrules]

hmmmm good ideas...lol i'm getting better and better with ever forums(the earliest forums I went to sucked)anyway...back to the story

As Terri went to go catch some relicanth to eat,Dawn and Damion where fending off nearby predators with their pokemon so Terri does'nt get wounded even more.Everybody caught an ancient pokemon to help them,and after a few days of working the group finally had a decent place to stay until they could get back to their time in the future.Terri's wounds finally disapeared after a week,but the machine broke down so the time that was set to go back home was increased 2 weeks.Candice and Terri grew closer while Dawn was still thinking about away to get rid of her.She had a plan finnally to get rid of Candice so Terri would like her...

"ARMALDO ARE COMING,ARMALDO ARE COMING!"Shouted Damion as he spotted a Giant group of armaldo heading towards there campsite.It seems as if a kabutops was wounded and trying to run away from the armaldo"GET AWAY TERRI THE ARMALDO ARE GOING TO GET YOU!"yelled Damion as Terri was running back with firewood and Relicanth.When the armaldo where going they started to go collect parts for the machine.Rowan told Terri to collect cainwood bark,Damion to collect deepsea teeth and clamperl,Candice, Gardenia, and Maylene to collect bufrumpt weed,and Dawn to go help someone else to collect stuff so she decided to go with Terri.

"Oh,hey Dawn,arn't you supossed to be collecting an item for the machine?"Said Terri"Prof. Rowan said to help somebody else so i decided to come help you."explained Dawn"Uhhh,Terri when we get back to the future there is a huge carnival in Solaceon Town,I was wondering could you be my,Uh,date?"Dawn said blushing, and nervous"Sure thing Dawn"Said Terri as dawn hugged and kissed him.
"go Staraptor!"said Terri as he told the Predator pokemon to look for Cainwood trees and lead him to it.Damion went swimming for Deepsea teeth with his Torterra and Floatzel as his Staraptor,Rapidash,Snorlax, and Heracross to look for Clamperl on the beach.While Maylene, Gardenia ,and Candice went back to camp with bufrumpt weed in hand."great this will speed up the time to get back to the future."Said roark as Terri and Damion returned."We need coal now and we'll be done,but I'm talking about 50 tons of coal,so we better get working."said Rowan."My larion and Kabutops should do about 3 tons each a day!"Said terri"my armaldo and Torrterra can help moving the coal!"squealed Damion."My Lucario meditite and machop can help dig out coal"added Maylene."my Turtwig roserade and Cherubi can help too!"seconded Gardenia"I'm a natural coal miner,so this should be easy"thirded Roark"My infernape,toxicroak,and Medicham can help out"said Dawn"."And my pokemon can keep you cool!"added Candice."Great so let's get to work"said Rowan.

 

[silverfox]

I agree with everything Hanako Tabris says, you need to fix the grammar mistakes and make new paragraphs so it won't be hard to read.

 

[Lily]

You say they're good ideas, but why don't you follow them?

Prime example: For now, work on hitting the Enter bar twice to make a new paragraph. It's easier to read then. You make a new paragraph whenever someone speaks.


The third paragraph just contradicts everything she says.

 

[Astinus]

Did you know that you just pretty much insulted whatever reviewers come into your thread? You don't just blow off the advice given to you. Thank your reviewers and take their ideas into your mind.

I don't do this as a job. (I would love to, but that's a different matter.) I come here every day, whether I feel like it or not, to review fanfics in the hopes to help people with their writing. And because this isn't my job, the only pay that I get is the self-satisfaction that I'm doing something for someone else with the talents that I have, and the small forms of gratitude that I get from the people I help.

Having my advice blown off like that isn't my idea of gratitude.

If you aren't actually going to listen to what other people have to tell you about your story, then put in your first post that you don't want constructive criticism. It'll save people some time. That way, I would have known not to waste my time reading your chapters and typing a review.

-

Everything that I said in my previous review still stands for this chapter. There's no sense in me repeating myself if all I get is ignored.

 

[empoleonrules]

Let's see:
Generally, it's not a good idea to post chapters two hours apart. You need to give readers time to come in and read what you posted so that they can review what you did write. This way, you can improve with each chapter.
did that.

One definite thing that you need to improve on is grammar and spelling. Write your story on some sort of word processing program that comes with spell-check. You can catch some of the spelling errors that were made.
3 quarters done

But these programs don't catch grammar. A good way to learn grammar is to read a lot of other fictions. This includes both fanfictions and published works that you find in book stores. You can learn a lot about writing just by reading.
not many other intresting(to me that is)fanfics

For now, work on hitting the Enter bar twice to make a new paragraph. It's easier to read then. You make a new paragraph whenever someone speaks.done

A thread that you should read through can be found here. It's full of useful information that can help you as you write.
done

 

[Charizard_Man]

Write it in a different format to make it easier on the eyes. And it wouldn't hurt to run it through word.

 

[Drakara]

Yeah I agree with everyone here. Work on grammar and paragraph stuff. Otherwise a very good start! Keep it up!

 

[empoleonrules]

Lol I havn't got complements in a few months(nobody likes me except my cousins, and school friends).Sorry i havn't posted in a few days,I was in Topeka KS.:tired::t349::t378:

As Terri awoke he notices more pokemon were devoloping from others.But the only changes were seel and dewgong."BASTIODON AND RAMPARDOS ARE COMING!"Yelled Damion on the watch tower they built.The anceint pokemon were on a rampage and destroying everything in there way including rocks full of daimonds and tearing down trees.They were heading straight towards camp!Terri Dawn and Damion tryed to hold them back but they wer just to high leveled!Everything except the machine was ok.The machine was ripped to shreads but the parts still usable,"This is a big set back but theory proves that Arceus will come down with Dailga,Palkia,Uxie,Mesprit,and Azelf to recreate the world.If they could make it to Spear Pillar in 1 week we could get back to are time!"explained Roark."So we need to get items for the trip"Said Terri"We better get started then if we want to get to Spear pillar by that time!"."Let's split up collecting as much berrys and meat as you can"Said Terri.