Journeys Through Johto

[shwoop-de-wooper]

Before I start:

A) First Fic, be nice =]
B) I accept constructive criticism, not flaming.
C) I will only continue this if I get some positive feedback.
D) I often refer to a building in this fic on Route 29. In the middle of Cherrygrove City and New Bark Town, however I didn't know what to call it so if someone could tell me what to refer to it as I will change it.

Hope you enjoy.

chapter being revised *_*

 

[~Night]

Why did you have to make the chapter so small (I mean the typing)? It makes it kind of hard to read. Before posting the next chapter, you should have a friend check it over to make sure it's as good as it could possibly be.
I liked the part when Eevee said "It's just too adorible! (When's the wedding?)"

~!~Miss Cow~!~

 

[shwoop-de-wooper]

Why did you have to make the chapter so small (I mean the typing)? It makes it kind of hard to read. Before posting the next chapter, you should have a friend check it over to make sure it's as good as it could possibly be.
I liked the part when Eevee said "It's just too adorible! (When's the wedding?)"

~!~Miss Cow~!~

Thanks. I have fixed the text size so hopefully should be a little easier to read now. =]

 

[diamondpearl876]

Ohh, a Johto fic. Not many of these around anymore. Also, this is pretty good for your first fic to be honest.. and it's lengthy =)

Anyway, for your first paragraph:

1) Don't use 5ft10 in a story, or any numbers for that matter. Type them out. o_o; Just put "five feet, ten inches tall" or "roughly six feel tall" or something.

2) It's a big block of boring description. I'm not saying the character is boring, it's just that when it's crammed into one paragraph, most readers skip it, and you want people to read everything. Describe one thing at a time, in different paragraphs and I guarantee your readers will be able to picture him when you're done with every detail, because they will have read it.

Also, proof-read before you post.. Saw an error in like, the third sentence. "His long brown was spiked up at the back".... brown what? hair? pancakes? toast? I don't know.

One last thing: You start a new paragraph when someone new talks. Example:

. Sean knew something terrible had happened. He approached her, but she was inconsolable.

"CHARMANDER!" she kept repeating whilst tears streamed down her face.

"I'm so sorry! If only I was a better trainer I could've…" Sean interrupted her, crouching down beside her he placed his hand on her shoulder.

"What's wrong with Charmander?" he asked in a soft, gentle voice. Before she could reply it hit him, "Oh My God!" he exclaimed looking out of the window at the torrential conditions outside. "It's not still…" he gulped.

And, um, so on. It makes it soooo much easier to read.

I look forward to future chapters.

 

[Astinus]

Oh yay! The font was fixed so that I can read it! Just to let you know, generally with fanfiction, it's safest to go with the default font of the forums. More people can read it without going blind, neh?

diamondpearl876 covered what I was going to say. (Thanks! Makes my job easier!) I'll just go off a bit with what he said.

1) Don't use 5ft10 in a story, or any numbers for that matter. Type them out. o_o; Just put "five feet, ten inches tall" or "roughly six feel tall" or something.

Age is the only time that you use the lower numerals. Generally, if the number is less than 100, you write it out. (Though others might see differently.) Of course, we don't need to know the exact height of Sean. Just say he was tall...or something.

And when describing, don't be boring. ^^ Make it interesting for the reader. So don't just list everything about your character. Use actions to help you out. Like: "Charmander's thick tail waggled side-to-side, showing how happy it was. Its tail flame tilted in the breeze." Or something of that sort.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Just don't forget to proof-read your chapter before posting it to catch mistakes. Like Sean's brown toast sticking up. ^^

D) I often refer to a building in this fic on Route 29. In the middle of Cherrygrove City and New Bark Town, however I didn't know what to call it so if someone could tell me what to refer to it as I will change it.

I think it's a gatehouse. That's what I call it, though.

 

[shwoop-de-wooper]

thanks for the comments.
I will make a few changes to the chapter and start work on the next one.

=]