Quote:
Originally Posted by
Randydrew66 
good poem. I feel it. 5/5
thank you, but i hope your not being sarcastic
lol
I honestly couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not; that was such a crappy review. Anyway, this is how we do it. *cracks knuckles*
Hello out there.. i was bored and so i made a poem about darkrai..please rate.. if it's good i will continue too write more poetry bout pkmn
This isn't a good way to start. Seeing the runon sentences, uncapitalised i's, too/to mix-ups and botched ellipses does not make me want to read your poem. I recommend fixing that before you even think about the poem itself. Speaking of which . . .
In the shadow of the moon...
It is he who walks the dark lagoon..
Capitalise the start of each sentence. This first couplet was good; the rhythm flowed nicely. It gives the reader a good picture of the scene.
Rejected and hated, there he lies..
No one hears his silent cries...
Just an extra 'e' there. I notice all your lines end with either '..' or '...'. As far as I know, ellipses look like this '. . .' with three periods and a space between each. If you're not going to do spaces, at least pick a number of periods and stick with it. Too many inconsistencies make Sparkles go @_@. Ellipses aren't the best way to finish each line of a poem at any rate. I understand the mysterious effect you're trying to create, but try and show us that through your prose rather than your punctuation. But so far, so good. It's flowing nicely, if a bit bumpily
is that a word? due to punctuation and spelling. And, um . . . 'silent cries'? o_O
His heart full of hatred and malice...
Until the day he meets Alice..
And . . . BANG. The reader, who was hopefully floating off in dreamland by this point, is brought back to earth with a jolt by the simple truth that
the lines do not fit. They totally throw off the rhythm of the piece. And you only need one 'l' in 'until', and capitalise the 'U'. But for the rhythmic problems, I recommend adding a couple of words to a) make it flow better, and b) make more sense. Something like this, perhaps.
His heart was full of hatred and malice...
Until the day that he met Alice..
See? It fits so much better. That's just an example, though, and it
is your poem to do with what you wish.
She saves his life and be's a friend,
for now his heart is on the mend..
GAH! *runs in circles, screaming* What is this? 'be's'? What sort of word is 'be's'? I recommend 'becomes', because really, that word is horrible. It isn't even a word in the first place! And again, you didn't capitalise the first letter of that second line. Higher authorities correct me if I am wrong, but iirc, poetry involves the first word of every line being capitalised.
Overall, your poem has no substance. It starts off promisingly, but quickly slips downhill until it degenerates into a roly-poly tumbling mess of ouchiness. There's no real storytelling involved, just a few lines of . . . well, all it can truly be called is a summary. I suggest heavily expanding this.
You asked for it! =D
Also, your poem has no title. If you don't plan to give it one at all, whether for effect or to avoid prejudice, at least tell us that rather than making us wonder. And if you do mean to title it, well, it should be done beforehand, cos you can't change it now. The third possibility is that you can't be bothered, which I sincerely hope is not the case. If it is, I recommend you buck up your game.
Also, what word processor were you using?
EDIT: Considering you haven't the decency to reply to my critique, I'd safely assume you don't care. I won't be reviewing any more of your material until you take my advice, or at least acknowledge that it has been given. Thank you, and good night.
