Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories

[Luna Altaire]

YAY, I'm finally going to base a fan-fic off of a game! It's going to be pretty accurate, because I'll be playing the game as I go. Enjoy!

Prologue​

Sora, Donald, and Goofy see Pluto holding a letter in his mouth that has King Mickey's symbol on it. Sora looks at Donald and Goofy. They smile at him, and they chase after Pluto for the letter on a winding road...
Late at night, when Donald and Goofy are asleep, Sora wakes up and glances up at the stars when a voice catches him by surprise.

"Ahead lies something you need..." said the voice.

Sora turns around to see who it is, but no one is there. Sora looks behind himself again to see a dark cloaked figure.

"...but to claim it, you must lose something dear." The voice continued.
The figure disappears.
Meanwhile, a young blond girl is drawing a castle, a castle which Sora, Donald and Goofy enter to begin their journey.

Chapter One: Floor One of Castle Oblivion​

Sora, Donald, and Goofy enter the castle, looking around.​

"...Looks like nobody's home." Donald said.

"You sure we should just barge in like this?" Goofy asked.

"We have to if we're gonna find the king..." Donald answered.

Goofy became surprised.

"The king?! King Mickey's here?" He asked.

"Maybe, maybe not. Something told me he'd be here, that's all." Donald said.

"Really?!" Goofy exclaimed. "..But...now that you mention it, I was thinkin' the same thing."

Sora is surprised as well.

"Are you serious? So was I!" He exclaimed.

Sora walked further away from the entrance.

"One look at this castle, and I just knew: They're here." He continued.

"Well, whaddya know!" Goofy said. "Great minds think alike, I guess."

Just then, Jiminy Cricket popped out of Sora's pocket.

"Guess again! This can't be mere coincidence." He said.

"Why, Jiminy?" Donald asked, surprised. "Don't tell me that---"

"--I felt it too!" Jiminy said, cutting Donald off.

"Gawrsh, maybe it's contagious." Goofy said with a chuckle.

"...or maybe something funny's going on! I think we should check it out." Donald said, getting a bit suspicious.

"Okay." Sora agreed.

Jiminy hopped back into Sora's pocket, and Sora began to walk away from Donald and Goofy.

"Hey, where are you going?" Donald asked.

"To check it out! What's the matter, scared?" Sora said, acting high and mighty.

"D-Don't be ridiculous! Come on, Goofy!" Donald said, trying to act cool.

He approached Sora.

"Okay, but we should shut the door behind us." Goofy said, turning around to face the
door.

Goofy suddenly saw something that caught his attention.

"Sora!" He called.

A figure that closely resembled the one Sora had seen earlier on was standing in front of the entrance, which was now closed. It reappeared in front of Donald and Sora.

"Who is THAT?!" Sora asked, pulling out his Keyblade.

"...It must be a Heartless!" Donald yelled, taking out his staff. "Let's see how it handles my magic! THUNDER!" He called, pointing his staff at the figure.

Nothing happened.

"Huh?" Donald said, flabbergasted. "That's odd. THUNDER! THUNDER!" He yelled, trying again.

Still nothing.

"Umm...FIRE!" He called. Nothing. "Blizzard?" Nothing. "I don't get it..." He started.
"...why isn't my magic working?" He wondered.

"I should think it's obvious." The figure began. "The moment you set foot in this castle, you forgot every spell and ability you knew...though the forgetting does not end there. In this place, to find is to lose and to lose is to find."

He approached the three heroes. They put their weapons away.

The figure continued: "That is the way of things in Castle Oblivion."

"Castle Oblivion?" Sora asked.

"Yes...here you will meet people you know. People you miss." The figure answered.

Sora denied the figure.

"Look, there's no one--" He stopped to think for a minute. "Riku! You mean Riku! He IS here!" Sora exclaimed.

"Do you want to find him?" The figure asked. "If you do..."

The figure rushed through Sora and disappeared. He reappeared in front of a small flight of stairs in front them that lead to a golden double door.

"What did you do?" Sora questioned, angry.

"I sampled your memories. And from them, I made this." The figure said.

The figure held a small item in his hand.

"...This is the key to reuniting with those you hold dear." The figured continued.

He threw the item at Sora.

"What is this, a card?" Sora asked.

"A promise. Use that card and press on. You will find your friend." The figure corrected
Sora. "Hold the card before you." He continued. "The door will open, and beyond it, a new world."

Sora cautiously obeyed the figure.

"Like this?" He asked.

"Yes. Go, Sora." The figure said. "To lose and claim anew, or to claim anew only to
lose..."

The figure disappeared. Sora mused for a moment, puzzled.

"C'mon guys----let's go." Sora said.

Sora opened the golden door in front of him.

Chapter Two: Traverse Town Part One​

As Sora entered a very familiar area, Jiminy popped out of Sora's pocket.

"Wait, this can't be right." Sora began. "We're in Traverse Town!"

The figure appeared behind Sora. Sora turned around and faced the figure.

"It isn't reality that you see." It began. "This town is an illusion conceived by your memories ingrained in that card."

"My memories?" Sora asked, confused.

Jiminy called out to Sora.

"Forget about that, Sora! We're two heads short!" He exclaimed.

Sora looked around and realized that they weren't there.

"Donald? Goofy? Guys, where are you?" He asked. "What did you do with them?" He questioned the figure.

"They are at the mercy of the cards now." The figure said. "Master the cards, and their strength will be yours again."

The figure gave Sora a quick tutorial on how to use cards. After the tutorial, Donald and Goofy reappeared in front of Sora.

"Are you two all right? Where have you been?" Sora asked them.

"You tell us! When you opened the door, there was this weird light..." Donald began. "..and the rest is a big blank."

"Well, try to remember what happened. I need to keep my journal up to date." Jiminy said.

"Hey, wait a second...Donald, where'd you get the new duds?" Goofy asked Donald, realizing that his clothes had changed.

"You too, Goofy! Somebody's been messing with our clothes!" Donald exclaimed.

"...The cards again?" Sora asked, turning to the figure.

"That is for you to ponder. Master the cards and make your way through the castle. From here on, you walk alone." The figure answered.

"You mean we can't go with him? That's not fair!" Goofy complained.

"Yeah! Sora can't do anything without our help!" Donald yelled.

Sora looked angrily at Donald.

"Thanks a lot, Donald!" He yelled.

"You sure you'll be okay?" Goofy asked, getting a little sad.

Sora nodded.

"Of course!" He exclaimed.

Sora approached the figure.

"You want me to go alone? Fine. I can take care of myself." Sora said to the figure.

"Hmm, the hero speaks boldly. Go, then. The rest of Castle Oblivion awaits. Walk the avenues of latent memory, and you shall meet someone dear to you." The figure said.

The figure faded away into the darkness.

"I have a really bad feeling about this..." Jiminy said with a sad face.

"Relax, Jiminy. I'm ready for any tricks he's got up his sleeve." Sora assured. "How hard can it be to figure out these cards?"

Sora approached a wooden door nearby.

"All I have to do is use one in front of that door over there." He said.

Sora's friends disappeared. A card with the words "Key of Beginnings" on it appeared in his pocket. He approached the wooden door and used Room Synthesis to create a new room. He entered it, prepared for whatever adventures lay ahead of him.





.....So, is this one better than my Luna Altaire story? :P

 

[Astinus]

YAY, I'm finally going to base a fan-fic off of a game! It's going to be pretty accurate, because I'll be playing the game as I go. Enjoy!

So...this is pretty much just a basic novelization of the game? I don't remember much of CoM since it's been a long while since I've played it, but from what I've skimmed, it sounds exactly like the game told in a very basic way.

If you want to novelize the game in a fanfic, you should add something to the story to make it appeal to those who've played the game. Because, seriously, why should I read your fic if I can just play the game? You could either add the emotions that Goofy or Donald feel as they wander around the tower, because that's missing. Or tell it like Jiminy was writing in his journal.

That said, I'm going to review this.

Sora, Donald, and Goofy see Pluto holding a letter in his mouth that has King Mickey's symbol on it. Sora looks at Donald and Goofy. They smile at him, and they chase after Pluto for the letter on a winding road...

You should at least set the time that this takes place in. If it wasn't for your note saying "This is CoM!" I wouldn't be sure when this takes place in the KH time line. At least say something like "After their first adventure, the trio were still searching for the king and Riku".

Late at night, when Donald and Goofy are asleep, Sora wakes up and glances up at the stars when a voice catches him by surprise.

Here's what I'm talking about. In the game, all the player knows is that Sora is laying down and looking at the stars. Bring the reader even further into the game's world by telling what Sora is thinking about. How Riku and the King are; where Riku and the king are; how Kairi is doing. Give us more of Sora that we wouldn't get from the game.

And why is the narration written in the present tense, but dialog verbs are past tense? o_O Pick one tense or the other.

Sora turns around to see who it is, but no one is there. Sora looks behind himself again to see a dark cloaked figure.

So he turns around once, and sees nothing, then turns around again to see the figure. It just sounds weird.

"...but to claim it, you must lose something dear." The voice continued.

When writing dialog that's followed by a tag, a full stop is actually a comma. Here's a post explaining it. You keep making this mistake throughout the chapters.

The figure disappears.

And Sora's just like "'Kay!" at having dark figures say weird things to him. You should have more here.

Meanwhile, a young blond girl is drawing a castle, a castle which Sora, Donald and Goofy enter to begin their journey.

Where is said young blonde girl? Where is said castle? Why are Sora, Donald, and Goofy so willing to enter?

See, this is what I mean about game novelizations. Sure, it's all right in the game to have the trio wander into this castle without a second thought. But in a novelization, you should have these characters feel real to the reader, and that means including their feelings and thoughts.

And yeah, this also means that you need to describe the surroundings a bit more. In the game, the player can see how menacing the castle is. In the fic, you should set the mood by describing this castle.

"...It must be a Heartless!" Donald yelled, taking out his staff. "Let's see how it handles my magic! THUNDER!" He called, pointing his staff at the figure.

Nothing happened.

Again, describe the attack. Especially since it's a thunderstorm pretty much forming inside.

"Wait, this can't be right." Sora began. "We're in Traverse Town!"

How is Traverse Town familiar to Sora, and why? You can use these instances to give backstory and set the time line for your fic.

The figure appeared behind Sora. Sora turned around and faced the figure.

And here's when I notice something. You always use "Sora, Sora, Sora" to mention the boy in narration. It gets to be boring to read. Even pronouns would be good to use, or you could change the formating of your sentences to make them different.

The figure gave Sora a quick tutorial on how to use cards. After the tutorial, Donald and Goofy reappeared in front of Sora.

So you don't even come up with some way to describe the battle system of CoM in your fic? You just skip over an important part of the game play? Yeah, it might take some time to figure out a way to make the cards sound like they could actually help a human fight, but any explanation would be better than just skipping over it. I hope that you aren't going to do this for every fight in this fic, because that would mean that you're skipping over a lot of climatic exciting scenes.

And yeah, also show how Donald and Goofy came back. At least say whether they either poofed back into existence or just materialized.

"Hey, wait a second...Donald, where'd you get the new duds?" Goofy asked Donald, realizing that his clothes had changed.

How are the clothes different?

Sora's friends disappeared. A card with the words "Key of Beginnings" on it appeared in his pocket. He approached the wooden door and used Room Synthesis to create a new room. He entered it, prepared for whatever adventures lay ahead of him.

o_O So Donald and Goofy just disappear, Sora's okay with this all, and he does this random "Room Synthesis" without any description as to how it works.

-

To be honest, this reads as if you sit at the computer with your DS/GBA, play a bit of the game, write down what happens, and then post thinking you're done. I advise you not to do that. What you have here is extremely basic. It's the bare bones of a story, which you pulled from a game, but there's so much more you could (and probably should) add to it.

There's the description of what's going on in the surroundings. There's the description of how the characters feel. There's the description of the actions.

Your grammar is also shaky. There's the issue with the dialog punctuation. There's the fact that you have different tenses for verbs in the story. And your sentence structure could use some work, since it's the basic "Sora did this. Sora did that." It makes your story basic to read.

That's the main problem with your story. It's very basic. While a novelization of a game can work (I've seen it happen in the Pokemon fandom) it takes work to have your fic make the reader actually want to read the fic and not get the same experience they would get by playing the game. Which is, honestly, what I'm feeling with this fic.

All I can say is to take more time on this fic if you want it to work.

And also, can I just say not to post two chapters and a prologue at once? The first chapter and the prologue together is fine, because the prologue is short (and not really needed, since it ends with the trio entering the castle, and chapter one begins with the trio entering the castle). But two chapters together is kind of too much for readers to take in.