Love can conquer evil. (AshxMay)

[Skitty101]

Love can conquer evil.
By Skitty101
Rated G
Warnig: This is a advanceshippy fic and if you don't support advanceshipping then do not read or post any rude comments. Advanceshippers enyjoy! ;)

Ash and co head toward Lavender Town. Why you might ask? Well for some reason Max wanted to see what a ghost pokemon was like. And Ash just couldn't stand Max's nagging and whining so to Lavender Town they went.

"I still don't see why you gave in to Max, Ash." May told Ash, nervous at the thought of seeing a ghost.
"Well, it's not my fault," Ash admitted. "I couldn't stand Max's whining!"
"Learn to live with it. I have." May mumbled, angrily. Ash just sighed and looked down ashamed. We did I say yes to Max? He thought.

A few hours later Ash and co finally arrive at Lavender Town. May is a bundle of nerves about getting off the ship. "I-I'm not going!" Max and Ash try to pull her off the ship. "I'm not seeing any ghosts!"
"Please hurry off the ship," The Caption asked politely. "I'm due at Slateport."
"Sorry," Ash strained. "Our friend here's a little nervous about going to Lavender."
"A little?!" Max squealed. Brock laughs nervously. Ash stops pulling May and heaves a deep sigh, giving May an encouraging smile.

"C'mon, May. It won't be that bad." Ash encouraged. "I'll be with you the whole time." Finally May calmed down a bit. She looked at Ash then at her feet. "You will?" She said blushing slightly. Ash holds on to May's hand. "Of course." Ash answered with a smile.

Max, a little flabbergasted at how May and Ash were acting toward each other interrupted them by saying, "Can we go see Lavender Tower now?" "Yeah, let's go." Ash and May say together. Pikachu was as nervous as May. "Pika, Pi, Pi, Pika." Pikachu chorused uneasily.


"Pikachu? You scared, too?" Ash said looking down at Pikachu who was desperately holding on to Ash's pant leg. He bends down to Pikachu's height. "Don't be afraid, buddy." Ash ruffles Pikachu's fur on his head. Feeling more confident, Pikachu climbs up to Ash's shoulder. "Pika!" Pikachu cheered happily.

"Let's go see some ghost pokemon!" Max cheered running ahead. May, nervous from Max mentioning "ghost pokemon" grabs on to Ash's arm with a gasp. Ash chuckles. "What's so funny?" May questioned furiously; hands on her hips, not thinking her nervousness was a laughing matter. Ash covers his mouth (he didn't think May had heard him chuckle). "Pika." Pikachu said laughter in his voice.

"C'mon, you guys!" Max called, getting annoyed. "Before the ghost pokemon go to sleep!" "If they go to sleep." Ash muttered. "After we go to Lavender Tower we can stop somewhere to get some lunch. Brock explained to Ash and May. Ash's stomach suddenly growled. "I want to eat lunch now." Ash groaned. May laughs slightly.

So, Ash, May and Brock dart ahead to catch up with Max. "It's about time!" Max said irritated with his impatience increasing.
Ash and co head into Lavender Tower, Max is astonished by the construction of the building. May, on the other hand, is holding on to Ash's arm rather tightly. "You think you could loosen your grip a bit?" Ash questioned, wincing. May turned a bright red with embarrassment. "Uh, sorry." She apologized, loosening her grip.

Brock had noticed this interaction between Ash and May and had a smirk on his face. The start of love is what I would say. He thought to himself. Suddenly something strange happened. The lights went out and everything darkened. "Ahh!" Screamed Max, who ran toward May and held onto her.

To be continued...as soon as I get some comments. :)

 

[Phanima]

I really like the whole concept of Ash being in love with May or vice versa (I'm an avid Advance Shipping supporter) and it was good, in some parts.

It seemed a bit rushed and a little short to be honest. You should spend more time on it if you're planning to write a decent fan fiction. A recommended time might be about half an hour for one or two good paragraphs. But I admit what you wrote is pretty decent for a few minutes work (if it was a few minutes work that is).

There were several spelling issues which aren't really important but would make your writing seem more 'professional' if you fixed them up. Microsoft Word can help with this, or a dictionary.

The dialogue should also be separated so it doesn't bleed into the descriptive detail of the story. This again just helps the overall presentation of the story and will make reading it a lot easier.

I can't really see anything else wrong with it admittedly. It's a good short if you're just starting. If it's not your first then you should definitely spend more time on it just to make it a bit more detailed and presentable. It also has a pretty good storyline to follow so that's a plus. Nice work so far.

 

[Sakura~]

First of all, pleeaaase help Mi-chan's poor eyes by spacing between paragraphs! It's no good having to squint, especially if you want reviewers, since most people will not bother to strain their eyes. ;;;.;;;

Basically the story is pretty much straightforward..I dearly wish you slowed down while writing this. So many details are skipped/rushed. You could've fixed majority of the spelling/grammar mechanics, too, which is a shame, really. Plot is, as I said above, straightforward. I actually thought it was pretty okay! One problem - It's like you forced yourself to incorporate Ash and May's chemisty into it. Try writing naturally. Never rush and give it your all. Also, I would suggest revising heavily before submitting. Dialogue errors were plentiful.

Other then that, I hope you improve! @^.^@

-Mikuru ♥

 

[Skitty101]

Thank you for the comments. :)
And I will do my best to improve.

"What's happening?" Brock wondered. "I don't know!" May said in a panicky tone. "I just wish the lights would turn back on!"
"Me, too!" Max agreed closing his eyes tightly.
"Why have you come here?" Said a voice. Ash, May, Max and even Brock screamed in fear. There was a figure standing a few feet away from them. Ash who wanted to protect his friends stepped forward.

"W-ho are you? And what do you want!?" Ash demanded furiously yet still terrified. The lights flickered on and off to reveal a young boy about Ash's age. Perhaps a bit older. "I am Caleb." He answered offensively. He sends beam of violet light hurling toward May! May gasped in alarm. Ash dashes to rescue her and is hit by the beam.

He starts glowing violet and floats in mid air for a few seconds and then is thrown down. "Ash!" May cried partly to tears. She runs to his side. Pikachu, who wanted to protect his trainer decided to electrify Caleb. "Pika…chuuu!" He cried sending a lightning bolt edging toward him. But before it struck him he disappeared. "Pi?" Pikachu questioned. "He must have teleported." Brock explained.

"Teleported? People can do that?" Max wondered. "Only psychics can. Unless he had a psychic pokemon that knows Teleport, most likely a Abra." Brock clarified.Nearby May was kneeling over Ash, tears in her eyes. "Ash…" She said under her breath. She puts her head on his chest and immediately starts to sob. "Please wake up." Max felt terrible.

He didn't like to see May cry. "This is all my fault." Max acknowledged, looking downward. "If we didn't come here in the first place…" He covers his eyes and starts to cry. Brock walks over to comfort him. "It's not completely your fault." He reassured. "Ash was being foolish." "Foolish?" May said in disbelieve. She gets up from Ash's chest. "Trying to save me was being foolish?"

"I'm sorry. That's not what I meant to say." Brock apologized. Pikachu solemnly approaches near Ash's side. "Pi. Pika." Pikachu uttered concerned. He then decides to wake him with electrocution. In a few minutes Ash finally opened his eyes. "Ash!" May exclaimed happily. "You're okay." She embraces him in a hug with tears of joy in her eyes.

"Pika!" Pikachu stated happily. "Get off me!" Ash shouted rudely. He pushes May away from him. May, shocked from what Ash had done backed away. "Pika?" Pikachu said to his trainer in confusion. "Get out of my sight! Stupid rodent!" He yelled kicking Pikachu toward the wall.

The little yellow mouse got up to its feet weakly. "Pi? Chaa!" Pikachu whimpered in pain. "Ash, w-what's the matter with you?" May cried still hurt emotionally from what Ash had done to her. "Shut up!!" Ash snapped. He suddenly disappears in an outburst of fire.

To be continued...

 

[ProtrainerEon]

BWAHAHAHAHA! GO ASH! Uh-I mean um...boo?

That was uh...interesting. Did the boy posess Ash or somethin' like that? That was uh...interesting. And very FREAKY. Keep on writing, I'm curious.

 

[Skitty101]

For several minutes there was silence. Then May spoke, "That's not, Ash." She uttered under her breath. "I just know it." May covered her face and started to sob silently.

"Caleb must've possessed Ash with a evil soul." Brock explained. "Can we save him?" Max squealed sadly. "I hope we can." Brock said unsure. "Pika…chu. Pi." Pikachu had his ears drooping. "Poor, Pikachu." Max said feeling apologetic for Pikachu.

"I wonder where he went?" May wondered, she had stopped crying.
"Mudkip can find him, right Brock?" Max inquired. Brock nodded throwing out a poke ball. A blue-orange pokemon with fins on both sides of its face appeared. "Mudkip!" It said happily.

"Mudkip, can you help us track down, Ash?" Brock asked. "Mud, Mudkip. " It said nodding. "Okay! Let's find Ash!" Brock exclaimed. Brock, May, Max and Pikachu begin to follow Mudkip. Meanwhile high in the tower Ash is at Caleb's presence. "So, Ash is your name, eh?" Caleb questioned mysteriously.

Ash's eyes were a different color. They were a dark red! "Yes, master." He answered. "I want you to get rid of those friends of yours! Especially that girl with that bandanna!" Caleb commanded. "Love, too." Ash declares with an evil smirk on his face.

Back with Brock, May, Max, Mudkip and Pikachu they are climbing up a staircase. "This place is getting creeper by the minute." May muttered worryingly. "Pika." Pikachu agreed who was settled on May's shoulder.

"Don't worry." Brock assured. "We're getting closer." At the top of the staircase stood Ash. He had a wicked glare in his eyes. May was the first to notice him. "Is that...?" She gasped. "You're trip ends here." Ash said evilly.

He began to glow a dark violet. Then he raised his arms up and the glow flew toward May and the others. "Watch out!" Brock advised and they all ran down the stairs. All except May and Pikachu.

"Ash, I know you can escape this!" May yelled. "Pika!" Pikachu agreed. "You just have to believe!" May continued. "I am no longer the Ash you know." Ash said darkly.

May's expression turned to fury. "I know the real Ash is in you somewhere. And I'm not afraid of the evil you." May said bravely. "Very well, then." He sends a ray of dark violet light.

May stares in horror. Suddenly Pikachu jumps off of May's shoulder and uses Thunderbolt to counter it, for a few seconds it works but Ash's ray is extremely stronger and sends Pikachu flying backward.

"Pikachu!" May gasps, luckily she catches him. "Had enough?!" Ash snapped. "No!" May cried. Ash sends another ray at her. She ducks right when it is about to hit her. She starts to climb the stairs to reach Ash.

Ash sends rays repeatedly at her but she keeps ducking. But unfortunately one finally hits her. She stayed down for a few seconds but gets to her feet, weakly climbing up the stairs. Max, Brock and Mudkip watched worriedly. "May is sure determined to get to Ash." Max pointed out. Brock nods. Finally May had reached Ash.

"Ash…" May panted weakly. "I know you can escape this evil." "You are pathetic." Ash muttered. May looked like she was about to cry. She didn't like Ash this way. "Ash, I believe in you." May said holding back tears.

What will happen next?? The answer soon to come.

 

[Yuki N.]

The chapters are short and albeit, too rushed for me. When writing a story, there should be a certain flow that lets the readers feel comfortable rather than immediately jump into dialogues. Perhaps an moving indepth with descriptions will help. That's all I can advice for now...

 

[Skitty101]

Suddenly Ash stopped glowing dark violet. "Ash, I…I love you." She muttered tears running down her face. Ash suddenly smiled. He had snapped out of his evil state. All thanks to May saying she loved him. "I knew it." Brock whispered.

"Huh?" Max was confused. May handed Pikachu to Ash. "P-Pikachu? Are you all right, buddy?" He asked concerned, clutching his little yellow unconcious friend. "Pi?" Pikachu muttered weakly, opening his eyes to see his smiling trainer looking down at him. "Pikachu!!" He squealed happily.

"Oh, Pikachu I'm so sorry." Ash said, hugging Pikachu. May watched Ash with admiration. "May, are you okay?" Ash asked regarding May's ripped clothes. "Uh-huh." She smiles. "Now I am." Ash and May stare at each other for a few seconds. May holds onto Ash's hands, Ash blushes slightly.

"I hope you don't become evil again." May said with an encouraging grin. "Hey, it wasn't my fault." Ash said jokily. The two laugh together. May embraces Ash it to a hug.

"I love you, Ash." She says passionately. "I do, too." Ash says encouragingly; hugging May. "Pi! Pikachu!" Cheered Pikachu. "Everything ends well." Max said nodding. "What about that Caleb person?" Brock reminded.

"Oh! I forgot!" Max admits. "Let's just get out of here before he shows up again." Ash told the others. "Swellow, c'mon out!" He shouted throwing a poke ball with a red-blue bird pokemon inside. "Swellow can you give us a ride outta here?" "Swell!" It answered.

So Ash, May, Max, Brock and their pokemon get out safely. Luckily there was a window open. Caleb watched as they flew off. "And don't come back." He muttered.

The End

And Yuki N. there aren't chapters in my fanfic. It's a one-shot fic.

 

[Yuki N.]

Sorry for the misconception, but I am only used to reading a oneshot in one full sweep. Cutting down a one shot just takes out the suspense and delays the plot (and occasionally disappoints readers like me if the progression ends up flat). In the future, all I can advice is to focus more on building a more in depth story with a great flow of grammar and descriptions, etc. Perhaps reading more books shall help?

 

[SgtWaffle]

Skitty, this is definately not your best work.:shocked:

 

[Careful With That Axe Pichu!]

SgtWaffle, this thread has been inactive for over a year, and that's 12 times the current topic lifespan. You should have known already.

closed