Lunacy

[battyNerd]

This short story is a collaborative work between myself and a friend at school. We had to write a scary story for 6th graders. I thought I could post it here to see what you all thought of it (both with and without its intended purpose put into consideration.) ^w^

I don't belong here. They are taking the sane and locking them away, leaving only madness in the world. They are killing me. Slowly. Poisoning me. Every. Single. Day. I know they watch me. They don't know I watch them. Their mirror hides them, but I feel their presence. Their eyes remain. Locked on me. They inject me. Needles that pierce my skin. Creating writhing pain. I can't fight back. They locked my arms away. Along with my mind.


I hear their footsteps. A click at their door. Their door creaks open, two white coats enter the room. Each with a metal mosquito at the ready. I feel surrounded. I attempt again to move my legs, to no avail. I feel them standing over me, preparing to strike me down. They fear my knowledge. Their insanity seeps from beyond their white coats. The coats are misleading. White is the color of innocence. They are more fitting to the color black, for their malice.


I feel the cold climbing through my neck. Reaching down to my heart. Then up to my mind. I feel them trying to steal away my sanity for themselves. They can't have it. I no longer feel my restraints. In their arrogance, they have freed me. They try to reach at me, pointing a mosquito towards my eyes. I rise to my feet. It is time for their repentance. I shove them away, back to their mirror. The door remains an opening. I take this opportunity to abscond my mental prison. My sanity cannot be caged any longer. I walk the corridors, finding my way to an exit. The entrance to insanity is unlocked. I walk through it, ready to face the strife of those who have been lost. I stand beside the roads, keeping distance from my old life.


HOOONK! What is that noise, what is happening? I get thrown to the ground, a truck flies over me. What has happened? Why is everything getting dark?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I wake up. They move the mosquito away from me… How did I get here? Why am I back in my restraints? I don't belong here. I feel like I am dying. Their poison is in my veins. Their eyes stare at my blood. My sanity is slipping. I thought I have been freed…


Oh, what a nice mirror! Where am I again? Why is no one here? Am I alone? Of course not there is a nice man in the mirror. He has a jacket on just like me. Where are his arms? I guess we're the same, both without arms. He looks sad, why is he crying? Doesn't he want my company?
"It's okay Mister, we belong here. Two parts of a whole."

 

[moon]

I don't completely understand what happened, but the creepy style you're going for is certainly working. Choppy, but that makes the reader understand the urgency.

Your language and writing is good, but maybe you should try to elaborate a little on that part where he "escapes". Suddenly he's in corridors, then suddenly next to a road or something... I understand that he's not exactly fully sane and in control of himself (?) but it feels a bit too confusing, imo. Then again, maybe that's how you'd like it.

 

[battyNerd]

Thank you for the review! Sorry about how confusing that part was. We were attempting to write that sequence based entirely off what he thought was happening. I guess we probably could have went into more detail, but the way we saw it, everything was happening very quickly. ^w^