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the ruins are empty
bare bones of a city
all those who were here
we shall meet no more
them
a halo of poison surrounds
them
where plenty and light did abound
off to the east pennants
on the walls of castles
back to the basics
man goes in the end
end
entropy calls; dust back to dust
end
not forever; more of the same
iron back in the forge
weapons back in their hands
charging and yelling cross
our ruined land of hope
hope
perpetual, everlasting
hope
t'was thought it would fix everything
evacuated, we
look down on the earth with
longing and regret and
see insects slaying man
look
you may see us there in the night
look
for our works are gone; we despair
left to you are our words
only earth was home: we
searched the stars but
nothing could we make of
them
unforgiving, cruel to the last
them
of a home you cannot demand
we are your future lest
you change your ways and you
take care of her sealed
we are decided now
---
So, totally random "poem" here.
Spoiler:
My idea here is that there are three parties in this poem: the narrators, a people who evacuated into space and attempted to find a new home after an apocalypse of some kind; a group of people who weren't evacuated and are at about Dark Age level technology and the insects (Man-Eater Bugs! xD) which now pretty much rule the planet.
No idea what it means other than that, so feel free to try and work a coherent meaning into it yourselves. :D
There are times where I hate to be honest. And this is one of them.
Now this isn't a bad poem, but not too great either.
The concept is interesting and all, but it's the grammar that's pretty off. A lot of sentences seem to be cut off in the middle and continue in the next line. This causes it to lose it's rhythm and pattern.
The structure is pretty good. It's new to me and I appreciate it.
Bottom line, it's not that good, but certainly not terrible. Just keep practicing and you'll do awesome! :cer_wink:
I'm taking a bit of poetic license here; the grammar may be "pretty off" because of my inserting lines every six syllables or so, but that's poetry for you. If I decide I'm going to have six syllables on each line, I may choose to chop a sentence to bits and put it on the next line. It's been done before and I'm sure it'll be done again.
The other thing that you mention is its lack of rhythm. I wrote this in terms of syllables per beat, without thinking about how it would be to read. If you pronounce each syllable separately, as is intended, the rhythm will probably sound better.
In regards to structure, I do believe I invented it while writing Man-Eater Bugs. Feel free to prove me wrong on this.
I've never seen a book with the title "this is how to write poetry" and I'm sure that if there was such a book it would probably have the disclaimer "this is by no means the only way, but it is a way and it works" or something along those lines.
Yes, I know I can improve. To be honest, I wrote this on a whim with no story in mind. It's the result of spontaneity and should be treated as such.
However, if you want me to listen to your "criticism", I would much appreciate you pointing out those places in my poem that you find hard to read.
I've never seen a book with the title "this is how to write poetry" and I'm sure that if there was such a book it would probably have the disclaimer "this is by no means the only way, but it is a way and it works" or something along those lines.
Now this is just really mean. If I were to say to you "I didn't even understand what the poem is trying to say" then would you be happy? I bet you wouldn't, seeing as you were very proud with this "poem" of yours.
Anywho, I agree with TJgamer for the most part. Some of the parts didn't make any sense, especially this one:
evacuated, we
look down on the earth with
longing and regret and
see insects slaying man
I actually think Caliban is right in questioning TJgamer's criticism. TJgamer is kind of vague with his review, not pinpointing parts that could use better rhythm/structure. So it's not that Caliban can't take the criticism, it's that he's not actually convinced of TJgamer's review until he gives a couple examples at least.
Now this is just really mean. If I were to say to you "I didn't even understand what the poem is trying to say" then would you be happy? I bet you wouldn't, seeing as you were very proud with this "poem" of yours.
\
Caliban already mentioned he's aware he could improve and he didn't say anything about being proud of this poem because he just wrote this on a whim. I think you're jumping into conclusions a bit too fast, here.
Anyways, now to the review. Real quick, I'm not that great with poetry and I still can't get my head over the rhythm and such, but I'll do my best to mention what is good and what needs work.
I too quite like the structure here. Makes some of the parts very intense, like this:
end
entropy calls; dust back to dust
end
not forever; more of the same
I quite like this a lot. Reading it aloud makes it even more thrilling.
I was a bit confused over the concept until you mention it in the spoiler, and it's quite interesting and I think you did fine presenting it in poem form after rereading the poem a couple more times.
I have to agree that there are some parts that may need some revision. Zeffy already mentioned one of them, but I'll pinpoint a couple more.
left to you are our words
only earth was home: we
searched the stars but
nothing could we make of
I think the "only earth was home: we" part threw me off as the other passages each line made sense to me as to why they're like that. I'm actually unsure how this should be revised, so get back to me in a little bit while I think about this? XD;
we are your future lest
you change your ways and you
take care of her sealed
we are decided now
First off, I don't thing "lest" would work well under this context. Yes, lest means "fear" but under as a conjunction: for fear that. Maybe use "fear" or a noun that is similar to "fear"? Another thing is the "take care of her sealed" I'm left wondering what needs to be taken care of? Shield case, for instance?
The capitalization thing is while I do see poems where capitalization is disregarded, that happens for a reason. You don't have to change the poem to fit the capitalization rules, I'm just curious also the reason behind that.
Overall, I actually think this is a good poem despite you writing this on a whim, but it could use some polishing. It has potential to be great though once you work on it more!
It's not that I can't take it. I quite like criticism, when it comes down to it. I dislike anticipating exactly what criticism I'll get, though. xD
If you were to say that you didn't understand what this poem was about, I would have to respond by saying that I didn't either, at the start, and had to make it up as I went. Please do note that I also put "poem" in quotation marks in my original post. I was trying to say that I didn't think it was a particularly good poem.
Continuing on the criticism note, I put said word in quotation marks because, as Bay said, I would like some examples of exactly what he thought was bad and an explanation of why. His review was (in my opinion) somewhat unhelpful.
I'm quite happy for people to "be honest" with me (even "brutally honest"!) and tell me what they think of my poem - but I want them to tell me why they think that and give examples. I very much appreciate you doing so.
Now, as to why I had that stanza the way I did:
evacuated, we
1 2 3 4 5 6
look down on the earth with
1 2 3 4 5 6
longing and regret and
1 2 3 4 5 6
see insects slaying man
1 2 3 4 5 6
If you look at the other stanzas, you'll find that they're designed in a similar format. The below has two lines at five syllables, but you get the idea.
the ruins are empty
1 2 3 4 5 6
bare bones of a city
1 2 3 4 5 6
all those who were here
1 2 3 4 5
we shall meet no more
1 2 3 4 5
would mess up the format somewhat. I used "evacuated, we" for that line because it had six syllables. I think I've used 6-6-5-5, 6-6-5-6 6-6-6-6 and one 1-8 in this poem and if I re-wrote it would change it so it was only 6-6-6-6 and 1-8.
The meaning may become more clear if you consider it as "evacuated, we look down on the earth longing and regret and see insects slaying man".
I actually had "insects playing man" there originally, as in "man playing at being God", but changed it after Misheard Whisper said "OH MY GOD, I see insects playing, man!" and it became too amusing to leave as "playing". I'm thinking about changing it back.
I'm afraid the lack of capitalisation was a stylistic choice entirely. I wrote it with capitals but removed them later. If you like you can add capitals and see if it reads any better. xD
I think Bay's got me on a wrong word and some muddled placement there somewhere, but I haven't encountered anything else that could be construed outright as a mistake so far. If you think there are more, please do give examples because I, being the author, am essentially blind to flaws that are obvious to you. xD
But yeah, thanks for reviewing my poem.
Heh, I do too. I think it's probably the only bit of the poem that makes any sort of sense. xD
I think the "only earth was home: we" part threw me off as the other passages each line made sense to me as to why they're like that. I'm actually unsure how this should be revised, so get back to me in a little bit while I think about this? XD;
I agree that this bit's kinda wacky. I was trying to make it stand out by introducing something I hadn't used in the poem before to show that I was actually putting in something that I wanted people to pay attention to after stanzas of vague background about castles, poisonous cities and bugs.
I'll have to think of another way to do that because, while it got your attention, it seems to have confused people. xD
First off, I don't thing "lest" would work well under this context. Yes, lest means "fear" but under as a conjunction: for fear that. Maybe use "fear" or a noun that is similar to "fear"? Another thing is the "take care of her sealed" I'm left wondering what needs to be taken care of? Shield case, for instance?
is the sense I think I was going for there; I was trying to use it as an ominous-sounding alternative to unless. Yeah, it's a bit iffy and I'll look for a replacement.
The "sealed" is a bit out of place there, thinking about it properly. The general meaning of that stanza was meant to be "we're yer future unless ya pull yer socks up and take care of Earth, it's pretty much sealed", but, as I said, thinking about it properly it doesn't work well. Probably partially because I deliberately left out a lot of punctuation. I'll rewrite that last stanza at some stage.
Thanks for pointing that out. xD
Yep, it definitely needs work, I agree with you guys on that and will probably get to it at some stage tomorrow. Thanks for the reviews!
Zeffy, TJgamer:
Spoiler:
Sorry if my earlier post came across as rude. I get rather fed up when someone tells me "your thing is broken" and doesn't tell me how to fix it. It's like the police telling me I've broken a law and arresting me without telling me which law I broke (although that analogy is a bit too extreme. xD;).
JX Valentine (and I think Misheard Whisper) wrote a reviewing guide which was sticky'd at one point but seems to have disappeared, so I'll refer you to the one on Jax's site. The pertinent section (while used to talk about grammar reviews in that case) would be
1. Your review is meant to help the author. Don't just say that it's an error. Say why it's an error. As in, explain the rule of grammar or spelling that's being broken, the logic behind it (if you can), and how to fix it. Otherwise, the writer doesn't know what he or she did wrong or how to avoid it in the future.
These two grab my attention a lot because the way they cut off phrases makes its flow more difficult.
Also there's little to no punctuation. Commas and periods would be helpful to have this poem more organized.
That's pretty much what else I have to say about it.
If you need any help with anything, just say the word. :cer_smile:
These two grab my attention a lot because the way they cut off phrases makes its flow more difficult.
Also there's little to no punctuation. Commas and periods would be helpful to have this poem more organized.
