Mother

[Necromancy]

This is a story I wrote over on pe2k for the URPG, and I also posted it on PFU, so you may recognise it.

*~*~

Chapter I

"Bubblebeam!" came the call of the vulgar child across the dusty plain. Prinplup's beak gaped wide open, forcing a jet of bubbles right at me. Shoving my club into the ground and polevaulting through the air, I was barely able to avoid the streaming spray by the skin of my teeth. Landing firmly on the ground, dust whirling at my feet, I shot a glare at the insanely large penguin before me. His stern look softened into a more sympathetic one.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, "but those are his orders." He quickly glanced at his master, forever bound to his command. I sighed heavily, and realised that it wasn't Prinplup's fault. Humans weren't welcome around these parts, and this was the reason why.

They enslaved Pokemon.

Just that one thought alone was enough for me to go all out against my opponent to deter the child from capturing me. Leaping forward with my head pointed directly at Prinplup's stomach, I braced myself for the impact as my skull hadn't fully developed yet. The Headbutt attack hit my target dead on, not sparing him any time to dodge or counter attack. An almighty thud was heard, and I flinched from the colission more than my enemy did. I fell back to the ground, my head spinning slightly.

"Woah..." I spoke softly, dropping my club from being dazed. I clutched my head with my empty hand that was grasping the bone, dropping to me knees to prevent myself from falling over. Prinplup had been forced backward slightly by the blow, giving me a bit more of a chance to recover. Lifting my head, squinting from the vast sunlight, I could make out the penguin waddling towards me slowly. I wasn't ready for this. Not yet.

"Wait..." I whispered weakly, edging my arm towards the club, hoping he wouldn't notice. The boy whom I'd forgotten about glared at me, and watched the bone I was reaching for.

"Don't let him get that Bone Club!" he screamed at Prinplup. The moment those words left his mouth I leapt from the ground and dove at my beloved club. Prinplup gave a sassy sigh, and simply opened his mouth again. I doubled back on myself and stumbled, prepared for a Bubblebeam to be shot at me. Instead, he breathed softly, the battle field slowly fogging up. My bone club faded from sight, and the same thing happened to my hope. I couldn't do very much without it, and it was my lucky charm. The Mist was blurring my vision, but my foe seemed fine with it. It didn't really bother him, not as much as I thought it would anyway. He raised his left flipper, hardening and glowing a faint grey.

"Why don't you just stop?" I called out into the distance, unsure of his location. The only thing I had to go on was the shine of the Metal Claw he was charging up, and even that wasn't very clear. Also unclear was this Pokemon's motives. If his master was so cruel to him, why didn't he just leave? I pulled my fist back, starting to crackle with electricity passing through it. If any Pokemon that wasn't an Electric Type attempted a Thunderpunch like I was, they'd most likely get shocked themselves. But since Mother taught me how to control it and embrace my Ground element, I've become a lot better with it.

"I can't..." came a sobbing reply through the fog. Prinplup slowly emerged, lowering his flipper to his side. His eyes welled up with tears, and I uncoiled my fist, the crackling steadily slowing. The pair of us stood there exchanging eye contact for several moments, the child's tantrums in the distance not disturbing our moment of connection. Without warning, the towering penguin lunged forth, jumping several meters at a time. His Agility didn't take long to reach me, and I could hardly even keep my eyes on him, what with the Mist too. From the speed he was moving there was a small gust stirring, so the Mist began to lift. I gave a sigh of relief as the fog around me melted away, but it drew my attention away from the darting Pokemon about to smash me over the head. He released his Metal Claw that I thought he'd let go of, but I was wrong. A fatal misjudgement.

"Wha-" I spluttered, his wing crushing my hard skull. It scraped and scratched with a screeching noise, the bone on my head beginning to split. All I could do was scream and beg for him to stop, hoping that I could appeal to his better nature. But still he continued to swing his arm back and forward in a sawing motion, the gash widening with every movement. "Stop..." I mumbled almost silently. Using the last bit of strength I had in me, I let my jaw down and started muttering strange words. They turned into more tuneful versions of themselves, before finally forming the Perish Song I needed. Every beat of the sorrowful music slowed the pace of my heart, but it had a worse effect on Prinplup. He ceased sawing, much to my joy. But I couldn't celebrate just yet; my heartbeat was slowly declining, and he was still towering over me.

The song sunddenly stopped, leaving everything in a deathly silence. I only just managed to tilt my head upwards, blood beginning to trickle from my wound. I caught a glimpse of him raising his flipper again, steadying his claw ready to shatter my skull completely. Shutting my eyes, I prepared for the splitting noise that would come after, my brains spilling out across the field, and the boy would casually stroll away cackling to himself. But instead of an almighty crack, all I heard was a swooshing sound that was like a boomerang slicing through the bitter air. When I opened my eyes out of curiosity, the most amazing figure stood above me. Its head was covered in pure white ivory, and it held an arm up in the air expectantly. The stripes on its belly looked like a tiger, but the whole situation wasn't amusing.

"Release my boy!" it roared, the leaves and shrubbery around folding back from the sheer power of her voice. Prinplup flinched backwards, her Bonemerang landing neatly in her hand. The source of the swoosh, no doubt.

"On what grounds, Ma'am?" the penguin questioned her bravely. I could tell he was nervous; there was sweat rolling down his plump, oily cheek. He puffed up his chest and stuck it out, as this was typical behaviour for a penguin. Even if he tried to be, he didn't look any less intimidated than before. Bending his knees, he was getting ready to leap again if the need arose.

"He has done you no harm," she replied calmly but firmly. Her stare was hot and steamy; enough to melt a glacier that Prinplup came from. "If you do not release him, I have no choice but to defend him with all my power." Prinplup chuckled slightly at her last remark. A woman fighting him? That wouldn't be fair. Or at least he thought.

"It is my Master's orders that I obtain the boy for him," he yelled back at her, and used the power he'd built up in his knees to throw himself forward into a Waterfall attack. It was much stronger than anything he'd used againt me; if I'd been hit by it I wouldn't have stood a chance. Marowak stood calmly in her place, not edging backwards or away a tiny bit. My face fell as he drew nearer and nearer. Why wouldn't she just jump or something?

"Look out!" I screamed, tears streaming from my eyes. I could feel the water spraying from Prinplup as he dashed by me towards her. At the last moment possible she ducked, ramming her own Bone Club into the underbelly of the charging penguin, crushing his solar plexus. He wheezed loudly and collapsed into a heap onto the dry, dusty earth. Mother just glared at his lifeless body on the ground as he spluttered words of his master and letting him down. Turning around, and without looking back to see the destruction she'd caused to save my life, she lifted me into her arms and silently walked away into the horizon with an angry child screaming and crying over the penguin corpse before him...

 

[Necromancy]

Chapter II

"What was that?" I mumbled, sipping Mother's herbal tea she'd made. My head was still aching from the Metal Claw I took earlier, and the tea was supposed to help. Fat lot of good it did.

"What was what?" the motherly figure on the opposite half of the room grumbled. We'd been back home for several hours, neither of us breaking the silence. All we'd done was drink tea and sit, sit for hours. The walls were damp, and the floor was slushy. Not the perfect home, but it did the job.

"What do you mean, what?" I raised my voice slightly, in awe at the fact she didn't even remember. "You killed that Prinplup out there, and you just ask me what I mean!" She leapt up out of her chair, raising her Bone Club high above me. I flinched backward, unsure of what she was capable of. I didn't know her anymore; she'd changed. Her face was twisted in agression, but slowly turned back into a soft, pitiful expression, baffling me. She shook her head persistantly, indicating that what I thought wasn't what had happened. Lowering her club and withdrawing back to her chair, she began to give her version of what happened.

"Dear child..." she whispered quietly, "do you honestly think I would let that Prinplup kill you?" I had to agree with her there, but why stoop to their level? She must have sensed my confusion from what she said by the look I gave her. "Even by killing that one Prinplup, I've most likely saved us from a lifetime of bother," she continued. "The human won't return if his Pokemon face such danger, and he might even spread the message to his ghastly frien-" She cut the last sentence short at the shrill cries and howling coming from outside.

"What is, mamma?" I asked, worried at my mother's silence. The growling and grumbling grew increasingly louder, as if the noise was getting closer. Her face fell as she realised what troubles we faced.

"The pack... They've returned." That was all she said, standing there in shell shock. Puzzled, I walked over and nudged her.

"Mamma, what pack? What do you mean?" I continued to badger her for answers, but she completely blanked me as she tried to think of an escape route that wouldn't get us. The pack had always hung around these parts, every once in a while sniffing down here for food supplies. Before when they came we had Pappa, but now that he'd gone...

Mother began hustling around our home, knocking into a wall or piece of furniture every now and again, grabbing random pieces of food and items of value. I'd never seen her so afraid; her whole body was trembling as she hurried, and her eyes were welling with tears. Something here wasn't right. Surely a bunch of hounds couldn't upset my mother this much... She'd even killed a Prinplup! She continued to drift from room to room hastily before she finally stopped in the doorway where I was.

"Go out the back passage and up the slope. I can hear them from the front." she mumbled, her bottom lip wobbling uncontrolably. I felt her push me from behind, ushering me out of our mud hole. I scrambled up the narrow pathway which was barely big enough for Mother to fit through. The tunnel smelled of mud, but that was no shock to me. It wasn't really bothered by it, as we lived in a mud hole anyway. When we reached the top after endless efforts of clambering and pulling, both of us sighed in unison.

The air up here was crisp and clean. The sky was brimming with sparkling stars and the moon lit up the night with a strong silvery light. A gentle breeze ruffled the long blades of luscious grass, as did the thick bushes and leafy trees. The dark evening was virtually silent out here, indicating that the presence of the pack had ceased. Mother crawled stealthily through the ocean of green foliage, shooting a glance back every few moments at me to check if I'd stayed close. The ground was soft, but not like our home. This felt more comfortable to walk on, as you didn't slide about with every step. After crawling around 200 yards, Mother slowed, her eyes darting around the open field. Howling began to flood the plain, pouring into our ears and scarring our hearts with fear. As we stood from the waving blades of grass awaiting the appearance of hounds, the bushes before us began to rustle. Slowly, one by one, a total of 13 Houndoom emerged. Their horns were a dull grey, as were their outer ribs on their back. They were poised for an assault, but held back, seemingly awaiting instructions.

"Well well well..." one of the Houndoom spoke out, stepping forward. This one seemed like a leader, all right. He had a scar running right down the left side of his face, even across his eye. Most likely from a vicious battle. "Look what we have here. A lady and her child. How sweet!" his mockery tone made Mother livid, but it amused the other Houndoom in the pack. "I think we've found dinner..."

My face dropped the minute those words left his mouth. Mother inched backward carefully, spreading her arms out in front of me.

"You will not touch this boy," she growled back to them, her eyes narrowing inside her skull. "I will fight you to the death, and you know I mean it." What? What did she mean? Had they fought before? The leader cackled like an old witch, throwing his head back like he was laughing at the moon.

"Fight to the death? Like your husband?!" he taunted. At that moment, she thrust herself at him. Father was a sensitive subject to talk about, but what did Father have to do with the pack?

"You'll take that back!" She screamed at him, raising her club above her head. As she passed over the top of him, she swung it down hard onto his back. The leader had seen this trick before, somehow, and managed to throw himself into the green ocean of grass. Plumetting down to the ground, Mother barely managed to regain her balance. She look him square on in the eyes, before charging forward again. He opened his mouth and crimson red flares began forming. He must've been charging up a big attack, since it was taking so long. Maybe it was a ploy.

Sliding underneath his body, and using the moist earth to her advantage, Mother pulled back her fist as he forced the flames upon her. They narrowly skimmed the side of her body, making her wince slightly. The small singeing sensation wasn't enough for her to lose focus as she unleashed her Focus Punch. The leader Houndoom was sent rocketing upward, swirling through the air before crashing into the dirt again. The fight had begun.

All of the over Houndoom leapt in to defend their leader, steady in their stance with knees bent. Several bared their fangs, preparing to leap at her, others flickering flames in their mouths, awaiting the go-ahead. "Don't just stand there..." the leader managed to mumble under his breath weakly, "get her..." As he gave that order, all 12 others pounced forward. She tried swiping at them violently yet randomly to keep them away, but none of her attempts even landed a hit. The harsh Flamethrower attacks scorched her skin and melted her eyes. The Crunch attacks ripped at her flesh, the Houndoom thriving on the blood pouring from her wounds. Her skin was splitting, tearing, her tissue falling out of her body.

"STOP!" I pleaded, desperate for them to leave her alone. The stench of burning flesh was unbearable - so was the state Mother was in. Remembering a trick Mother had taught me when I was younger, I rammed my Bone Club into the ground. Polevaulting through the air, I landed with my club pointed toward the ground in the middle of the sickening assault. One Houndoom twisted his head and forced a raging Will-O-Wisp at me, just skimming my tail. A battling lesson with Father taught me that being burnt makes your attacks weaker, so I was grateful to Mew that it missed. Focusing all of my bodily energy, I channelled it through my club and into the soft earth beneath me. It began trembling and rumbling, shaking gently but growing more violent with every passing moment.

"What witchcraft has she taught her son?!" one of the Houndoom roared, pulling away from Mother. He whimpered as the Earthquake grew more vicious, before the leader managed to stand up.

"Pull out!" shouted another, and before long every single Houndoom was scampering away, barely able to run properly from the shaking. When they were a safe distance away, I removed my club from the ground. The trembling in the ground slowly ceased as I regained my balance. My head was spinning, but now was not the time to be worried about that. I kneeled down beside Mother, her whole body ripped apart and open. I gently laid my head next to hers on her chest, weeping into her bosom. Why did they have to do this? What did they hope to gain from it?

"Why?!" I screamed to nobody. The air was tainted with the scent of blood, and it made me wretch.

"Because they can..." Mother's eyes flickered open and shut, before finally managing to look deeply into mine. "Those Houndoom... We've met before. They are the reason your father wasn't here this time to protect us. They killed him." I shook my head in disbelief. They'd taken my father away from me, and had now returned to take my mother too. Those sick *******s had ruined my life. I said nothing, for I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't make her feel worse. I just sat silently and solemnly with my head by hers, awaiting the time that her presence would leave me. But I would never leave her side. Even if it meant lying here for all eternity.

I've already been made to part with one parent. I don't intend on parting with another...

*~*~

So there. This is like a one-shot deal, as I have commitment issues (which is why I can't get a boyfriend/girlfriend >_>) and can't keep up with a series. I'd really appreciate any feedback you guys have. I think I used too much dialogue. :3

 

[emoBill™]

First comment, yay!

So. This was really good. The description was amazing, you didn't use too much dialogue, and it was just overall great. I can't think of much else to correct. Maybe think about your wording a little more?

5/5, great!

 

[JX Valentine]

the vulgar child

Be very careful with connotations. While vulgar can mean ignorant or low-born, it most often means lewd or obscene, which is usually the first meaning that people will jump to. I would suggest actually finding a better word (such as "low-class" or – if you really want to paint an interesting image, replacing the phrase with "street urchin") here to avoid that kind of confusion because, yes, you will have people coming up with dirty mental images when they try to use the most common definition.

Unless, of course, you mean he was actually obscene, but even then, given the fact that you haven't established the world yet, I wouldn't recommend introducing the character that way in the first sentence.

Prinplup's beak gaped wide open, forcing a jet of bubbles right at me.

This should actually be the start of a new paragraph. Remember that whenever a speaker stops speaking, you use a paragraph break to show that you're going into a new topic – namely, his or someone else's actions.

You do this again later in the story, but I'll assume I only need to explain it once.

I sighed heavily, and realised that it wasn't Prinplup's fault.

No comma. This actually isn't a compound sentence. What I always recommend is replacing the comma and conjunction with a period to see if the two halves can form two different sentences. If they do, then keep the comma. If they don't, then don't.

As it stands, what you're dealing with here is a list of two items, which never requires a comma between them. As in, "Realized that it wasn't Prinplup's fault" is not a sentence by itself.

You do this again later on in the story, but I'll assume I only need to tell you to use the period test once.

I braced myself for the impact as my skull hadn't fully developed yet.

I would recommend using "because" instead of "as" here. The reason why is because "as" without the comma before it implies time: you're saying that the two events are happening at the exact same moment, which doesn't make sense in this case. (While his skull isn't fully developed at that exact moment, it's also not developed in the past and future. It's a quality, not something that can be pinned down to a specific minute in space.)

"Woah..." I spoke softly,

"Spoke" tends to be an awkward dialogue modifier. As in, it's not normally used in a dialogue tag. Rather, it's used to describe the action of speaking outside of the tag, as in if the narrator mentions that someone is about to speak, if that makes sense.

Simply put, you're better off finding another word here for the tag.

dropping my club from being dazed.

Again, use because here. You're implying that the narrator is keeping the club from being dazed (because the latter phrase modifies the first noun in front of it).

I clutched my head with my empty hand that was grasping the bone,

Another case of awkward phrasing. The problem here is that you're simultaneously saying three things:

1. That his hand is empty.
2. That he's currently holding (grasping) the bone.
3. That he's using that hand to hold his head while holding the bone.

He can't do all three at once, so you'll need to rephrase it to clear that part up. For that, let me introduce you to the pluperfect. A simple switch out of the word "was" for the phrase "had been" actually changes the meaning of the sentence so that you're saying he's clutching his head with the hand that formerly held the bone. Hence, the sentence then makes perfect sense.

Lifting my head, squinting from the vast sunlight,

I would suggest not piling up introductory dependent clauses like this. The comma implies that the next noun is going to be the subject, so it's actually a bit awkward to have multiple introductions like this for no apparent reason.

The boy whom

Who.

Rule of thumb: If the word isn't being preceded by a pronoun (such as "to"), then you use who, not whom. The reason why is because "whom" is a word that explains something is happening to someone. However, in this case, you're saying that the subject is something. It's subjective, not objective.

The moment those words left his mouth

Comma at the end of this phrase. If an introductory dependent clause (which this actually is) is more than four words long, you need a comma to separate it from the independent clause.

He raised his left flipper, hardening and glowing a faint grey.

"Why don't you just stop?" I called out into the distance, unsure of his location.

If he can't actually see where Prinplup is, then how can he see the attack forming in the paragraph before this moment? The glow is one thing, but if he can't see Prinplup, then he shouldn't know what part of Prinplup's body that glow is coming from – or what Prinplup is doing with it. So, likewise, he probably doesn't know which attack is coming because he can't see it happening.

As a note, but Prinplup seems to be acting on orders he actually wasn't given. Did the trainer ever tell him to use Metal Claw?

Also unclear was this Pokemon's motives.

This is a bit awkwardly worded. It sounds like a research paper, not narration from a specific character. I would suggest rephrasing it so that you're saying that the narrator specifically was struggling to discern Prinplup's motivation.

Also, you're using the wrong word here. The subject of this sentence is actually the concept of "motives." As in, more than one thing was unclear because the part that's unclear is plural here. So, you really should be using "were" instead of "was." This, of course, makes the sentence slightly more awkward, which just goes back to my point about rephrasing it.

an Electric Type

Electric-type. It's actually hyphenated, with "type" being lowercase. Example.

they'd most likely get shocked themselves.

Given the variety of moves a Pokémon can normally pull off, I really don't see how this is possible. Couple this with the fact that the character in question is a Ground-type and therefore canonically possesses an immunity to Electric-type moves, and I'm rather skeptical here that this is the result he'd get. Perhaps if the Pokémon happened to be inexperienced, that'd be one thing, but canonically, Pokémon don't seem to have trouble harnessing the energy they need to execute the moves they know and have already mastered. Exceptions, of course, are recoil moves or moves against something that's fairly stupid. For example, I'm sure Thunderpunching a Metagross would be painful because of the punch part of it, regardless of whether or not the Pokémon in question can harness electrical energy well.

"I can't..." came a sobbing reply through the fog. Prinplup slowly emerged,

Another problem: Pokémon can canonically disobey their masters. If this is animeverse, then there's plenty of examples in which this happens. For example, Pikachu refusing to battle against Misty for the Cascade Badge. Charizard up until the middle of the Orange Islands. Chikorita in a battle against a Raticate at one point. All of Ash's Pokémon against Sabrina. And if we count it, every time James' Victreebel tried to eat him.

before finally forming the Perish Song I needed.

I'd hate to nitpick, but Cubone learns Perish Song by breeding with a Lapras.

It just sounds like a bit of a potential deus ex machina to me, so I can't help but point this fact out.

But I couldn't celebrate just yet; my heartbeat was slowly declining, and he was still towering over me.

Because the semicolon indicates a compound sentence itself, this is actually a run-on.

The song sunddenly

Tip: Even if it'll catch every Pokémon name in your story, spell check before submitting. If you have Microsoft Word, I would suggest turning on the spell check as you type feature, which will produce red lines under every misspelled word. Unsightly, but you can easily ignore every word you know is spelled correctly if you can see it outside of that inconvenient box.

blood beginning to trickle from my wound.

Another note: head wounds bleed a lot because of how many blood vessels are across the scalp – which, in itself, is tightly stretched anyway. This would most likely be more than a trickle, even if it's a shallow cut.

The stripes on its belly looked like a tiger, but the whole situation wasn't amusing.

You probably shouldn't mention that it's amusing. We know it isn't, so you'd probably be better to just leave it out to avoid breaking the mood that you already set up.

the leaves and shrubbery around folding back from the sheer power of her voice.

This, however, makes the scene seem comical because inanimate objects are cringing at the sound of her voice (which usually doesn't happen unless the character has power over plants, which Marowak usually doesn't). It calls to mind the part of the novel Good Omens where Crowley threatens his houseplants into being green and beautiful.

Prinplup flinched backwards, her Bonemerang landing neatly in her hand.

Again, you may want to rephrase this sentence. Right now, you're implying that it's Prinplup's Bonemerang because Prinplup is the only noun that comes before that comma.

Her stare was hot and steamy; enough to melt a glacier that Prinplup came from.

First off, comma, not semicolon. Semicolons do not separate descriptive dependent clauses from independent clauses.

Second, usually, the phrase "hot and steamy" refers to sex, bluntly put. As in, if something is hot and steamy, most likely, someone is being seduced, and someone else nearly has their clothes off. This, of course, makes the negotiations even more unintentionally comical.

"If you do not release him, I have no choice but to defend him with all my power." Prinplup chuckled slightly at her last remark.

Here, you really do need to insert a paragraph break. Otherwise, because the first noun after the quote is Prinplup again, you're telling the reader that Prinplup is still speaking.

A woman fighting him? That wouldn't be fair. Or at least he thought.

Note: You're writing in first person. Given the fact that I assume the main character isn't psychic, you really can't have him listening in on Prinplup's thoughts. He can assume Prinplup is underestimating his mother, but other than that, he can't actually say what Prinplup is thinking.

"It is my Master's orders that I obtain the boy for him," he yelled back at her, and used the power he'd built up in his knees to throw himself forward into a Waterfall attack.

This is actually what I don't like about the "Pokémon A uses Move A" format. While it's nice that he's using Waterfall, it's difficult to understand how Waterfall is being used here. Basically, as far as we're concerned, he's rushing forward, and then he does something vague. We can see the charge, yes, but we can't see the attack.

he'd used againt me;

Spell check.

if I'd been hit by it I wouldn't have stood a chance. Marowak stood calmly in her place, not edging backwards or away a tiny bit. My face fell as he drew nearer and nearer.

I know I should be one to talk (because I have a tendency to overdescribe attacks myself), but it feels like time's slowed down here. Basically, we keep watching the attack coming, watching the character's reaction, watching it coming… It just doesn't seem to happen. It seems to be drawn out longer than it should be.

Mother just glared at his lifeless body on the ground as he spluttered words of his master and letting him down.

If the body is lifeless, it's already dead.

an angry child screaming and crying over the penguin corpse before him...

Period, not an ellipsis. Ellipsis gives the story the feeling of trailing off softly. While it works in some cases where the ending is uncertain, for this situation, you'll want something harder and definite.



Overall, the story wasn't so bad. Descriptions were okay, save for the end where I feel like you half-assed the part about Waterfall.

However, wording could really be better. As I've mentioned before, there are times where you say things you probably don't mean, where things could be better worded, and where you generally go a bit more over-the-top when you probably don't mean to. Reread your work carefully before submitting it. Do it aloud, at least twenty-four hours after you finish writing it to get an objective standpoint. Also, I highly recommend getting a beta, who should be able to point out places where your narration may be weak, awkward, or possibly confusing.

Likewise, beware of plot holes. It's fine and dandy if you want to write a world where trainers are evil (from the standpoint of a character), but remember that:

1. You're writing this in first person, so you need to really think about the limitations on your character's mindset.

2. In canon (the anime's, at least), trained Pokémon obey their trainers by choice. (The games imply that the choice to obey comes from the respect the trainer earns through the badges he carries. At least, for traded Pokémon.)

In general, be a bit more careful with your writing. You definitely have potential, but you just need to polish your story a bit more and work out odd plot holes.

I'll review the second chapter later.

 

[Logitech]

First comment, yay!

So. This was really good. The description was amazing, you didn't use too much dialogue, and it was just overall great. I can't think of much else to correct. Maybe think about your wording a little more?

5/5, great!

Yeah, this is really, really good. You really emphasized on most of the critique in the story. The dialogue is perfect, and there's barely any grammar mistakes. Check your word choice now and there like Ratiosu posted.
4/5.

 

[JX Valentine]

sipping Mother's herbal tea she'd made.

I think it's fairly redundant to tell us she made the tea after you tell us that it's hers. Obviously, if it's hers because she cooked it (a la "Mother's home-made apple pie"), then yes, she made it. I'd suggest simply replacing the word "Mother's" with "the" and moving the reference to his mother over to after "tea."

Of course, then you'd have to answer the question of how wild Pokémon make tea in the first place. Tea sets aren't exactly found in the wild, and because wild Pokémon are pretty much wild animals, I highly doubt they'll make something like that themselves.

My head was still aching from the Metal Claw I took earlier, and the tea was supposed to help.

…What about, you know, the cracked skull and the blood? O_o Tea doesn't exactly help there.

the motherly figure on the opposite half of the room grumbled.

I'd suggest just saying "Mother." The phrase "motherly figure" implies that this isn't his mother – simply someone who resembles a mother. Also, it's unintentionally amusing because you're being a bit roundabout in saying who this character is right off the bat.

All we'd done was drink tea and sit, sit for hours.

It seems a bit awkward to repeat the word "sit." You have it in the first clause, so repeating it makes the sentence sound like something out of a children's song. (You know. Like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat.")

The walls were damp, and the floor was slushy. Not the perfect home, but it did the job.

I'd hate to nitpick again, but if you're not an aquatic animal and attempted to sleep in cold water (given that slush tends to be watery mud – as in, more watery than usual), you'd actually damage tissue after awhile. Reason: frostbite.

She leapt up out of her chair, raising her Bone Club high above me.

Side note, but the term "Bone Club" refers to a technique, not an item. The bone they hold is, well, just a bone. Or a bone club with no capital letters.

Her face was twisted in agression, but slowly turned back into a soft, pitiful expression, baffling me. She shook her head persistantly,

Again, spell check.

Also, persistently. To quote Inigo Montoya, "I do not think that means what you think it means." To be persistent means you're repeating over and over again, usually with conviction. To shake one's head, of course, requires a persistent movement by definition, but the word persistent implies she's being more aggressive than you probably want her to be for this contrast, if that makes sense.

Be very careful about connotations. Using the wrong word at the wrong time can and will change the meaning of what you're trying to say.

Lowering her club and withdrawing back to her chair,

I'm a bit uncomfortable about the furniture and items used in this fic. What you're essentially doing is making your Pokémon be humans in Pokémon suits. As in, they feel more human than wild animals should. So, the overall meaning – that these Pokémon view training differently than humans do – is a little lost because we can't see the characters as aliens with a drastically different culture to human life. Instead, we see them as normal people.

"Dear child..." she whispered quietly, "do you honestly think I would let that Prinplup kill you?" I had to agree with her there, but why stoop to their level? She must have sensed my confusion from what she said by the look I gave her. "Even by killing that one Prinplup, I've most likely saved us from a lifetime of bother," she continued.

Because you're using multiple dialogue tags, you can therefore split this bit up into multiple paragraphs. In fact, it's probably better to split this up, considering jamming actions from multiple characters into the dialogue paragraph just doesn't work because you end up with a mire of who said what. As an example, I've split up the above:

"Dear child," she whispered quietly, "do you honestly think I would let that Prinplup kill you?"

I had to agree with her there, but why stoop to their level? She must have sensed my confusion from what she said by the look I gave her.

"Even by killing that one Prinplup, I've most likely saved us from a lifetime of bother," she continued.

Also, note the comma after "child." If you're going to interrupt a sentence with the dialogue tag, you don't want half of the sentence to trail off. If you do, then you're implying that the sentence ends there, which means you'd need a period at the end of the tag (or a capital letter at the beginning of it).

"What is, mamma?" I asked,

Capitalize "mamma." Oddly enough, this word is taking the place of her name, so it needs to be capitalized as if it is. It's the same rule as why you'd capitalize "Mom" or "Dad."

but she completely blanked me

Blanked him? I'm not actually sure what you mean here.

Before when they came we had Pappa,

Drop "when." It's awkward if you leave it in because it sounds like you're trying to start two different dependent clauses. The first ("before they came") implies that the event ("we had Pappa") happened sometime before the action of the dependent clause ("they came"). The second ("when they came") implies the events happened at the exact same moment. Both together implies that you're trying to say both at once – or the first with one more word than necessary.

I'd never seen her so afraid; her whole body was trembling as she hurried, and her eyes were welling with tears.

Again, the semicolon in this case serves as an indication that there's a compound sentence. As in, you're actually creating a run-on here. I would suggest separating this sentence into two or more.

I can hear them from the front."

Comma at the end of this, not a period.

It wasn't really bothered by it,

Always, always, always read your work carefully before posting it to avoid unintentionally odd images. (As in, I should hope the hole wasn't bothered by the smell of itself.)

The sky was brimming with sparkling stars and the moon lit up the night with a strong silvery light.

This is actually a compound sentence. You can tell by doing the period test I mentioned in my last review (which was, oddly enough, pointing out places where you put commas in what weren't compound sentences) and replacing the "and" with a period. Notice how both end up standing on their own?

Comma after "stars."

You'll also want one after "strong" because you're separating two adjectives that both describe what something looks like.

A gentle breeze ruffled the long blades of luscious grass, as did the thick bushes and leafy trees.

Drop the "as did" and start using commas. The reason why is because right now, you're implying that the thick bushes and the leafy trees were ruffling the long blades of luscious grass. "As did" is a phrase that indicates that someone (or something) else is committing the same actions as the subject of the sentence.

Also, "long blades of luscious grass." You may want to consider using fewer adjectives or rearranging things so that adjectives occur in basically the same place. Right now, you seem to be overloading the description with them, which actually has a name: purple prose. Basically speaking, you're trying to shove so many adjectives into the sentence that we're no longer thinking so much about what the image looks like as we are what your narration looks like. As in, we have to reread the passage a few more times because you're going a bit overboard.

Yes, oddly enough, there is such a thing as too many adjectives.

The dark evening was virtually silent out here, indicating that the presence of the pack had ceased.

Again, be very careful about the words you choose. Just because something sounds flowery doesn't mean it's good for what you're trying to say. Someone's presence can't cease unless they've suddenly died. (And even then, it's arguable because technically, they're still physically there.) They can just not be detected.

This felt more comfortable to walk on, as you didn't slide about with every step.

Although this is first-person, avoid using the word "you." The reason why is because the subject isn't us. It's the character himself. As in, we can't experience what he's describing, but he can.

Ergo, "I," not "you."

After crawling around 200 yards,

If you mean approximately, use "about," not "around." If you use "around" here (where there's movement in the sentence), you're actually saying they've literally traveled around 200 yards – as in, skirted around a place with an area of 200 yards.

Slowly, one by one, a total of 13 Houndoom emerged.

Write out every number from zero to ninety-nine. It's an obscure rule, but generally, numerals aren't used for small numbers.

Their horns were a dull grey, as were their outer ribs on their back.

Backs. If you don't make that word plural, you're implying they all have one back. …Which brings to mind either Cerberus or something distinctly kinkier.

They were poised for an assault, but held back

So, that's where that missing comma from the compound mentioned earlier went.

Seriously, yeah. Period test will actually help you quite a bit.

one of the Houndoom spoke out,

Again, this sort of thing is a bit of an awkward dialogue tag because the phrase "spoke out" usually isn't used to modify a quote. Instead, try "said." It's bland, but it works as long as you don't use it too often in succession.

He had a scar running right down

Another case of "use fewer words because one of these words serves no purpose." In this case, it's "right." The use of it actually adds to a bit of confusion because of the presence of the word "left" a couple words later. Sure, "right" isn't being used as a direction in this case, but one can't help but think of the Abbot and Costello.

Most likely from a vicious battle. "Look what we have here. A lady and her child. How sweet!"

See, this is also why you need paragraph breaks: because there's so many things happening in a paragraph you don't know who's doing what. The italicized part, I know, are the narrator's thoughts at that moment. However, following it with a quote from the Houndoom implies that it's the Houndoom who's saying that.

his mockery tone made Mother livid,

This is not a dialogue tag. You can tell because there's no word to indicate that anyone is speaking. ("Mockery" does not modify speech at all.) So, capitalize.

"You'll take that back!" She screamed at him,

This, however, is a dialogue tag. Notice how the part directly after the quote is stating how she's speaking? That's what a dialogue tag is meant to do. Ergo, no capitals.

Also, the end of this sentence is a great place to start a new paragraph. The reason why is because you're going into action. You want that action to stand on its own so the reader can get the full effect.

That and it's a new subject (what she does, as opposed to what she's saying), so you should anyway.

As she passed over the top of him, she swung it down hard onto his back.

Passed over the top of him? What? Did she jump? If so, when?

The leader had seen this trick before, somehow,

First off, how does the narrator know the leader had seen the trick before? The Houndoom could simply be a more competent and faster battler and would therefore know when to dodge simply because he may have been in more fights. (Attempting to sail over a target and bash it in the back tends to be a fairly obvious move because there's more maneuvers involved.)

Second, drop the commas. They actually serve no purpose here.

She look him square on in the eyes,

Dead giveaway that you probably didn't proofread: wrong tense. "Looked," not "look."

He opened his mouth and crimson red flares began forming.

Comma after "mouth" because, yes, this is a compound sentence.

Also, "crimson red" is actually a bit redundant because crimson is a shade of red.

He must've been charging up a big attack, since it was taking so long.

Because this sentence doesn't indicate how much time has passed from the sentence just before it to now, we really don't see how long it's taking.

Sliding underneath his body, and using the moist earth to her advantage,

Considering the fact that the Houndoom is surrounded by twelve others in his pack and that a Houndoom stands at a height of four and a half feet from the paws to the horns, this is a bit of a plot hole. How did she manage to do this and not get instantly attacked by everything else or knock over her opponent?

They narrowly skimmed the side of her body, making her wince slightly.

When she's essentially at point-blank range (given that she's under him)? What?

The small singeing sensation

Experiment: Light a bonfire or a fire in a fireplace. Now, stick your hand in it. That's pretty much what Flamethrower (or whatever Houndoom just used) most likely feels like.

As in, no, it's probably not going to be a "small singeing sensation." Especially given that she's at point-blank range and not moving.

I'm really getting the feeling, at this point, that you're already trying to tilt the battle in Marowak's favor. This usually isn't good in a story because it tends to make the rest of the battle fairly predictable.

All of the over Houndoom leapt in to defend their leader, steady in their stance with knees bent.

You may want to reread this sentence aloud. It's a bit awkward. First, there's "over" instead of "other," and on top of that, I think the phrase is "steady with." I could be wrong here (which is why I'm saying you should read it aloud).

Several bared their fangs, preparing to leap at her, others flickering flames in their mouths, awaiting the go-ahead.

The latter half of this sentence is a bit awkward because it sounds like you're trying to make a compound but aren't quite succeeding. (As in, you have multiple ideas in here, and you're trying to merge them into one big soup. Usually, when you attach a dependent clause to a sentence, it has something to do with the independent clause. This isn't the case here.)

Put simply, put an "and the" before "others" and change "flickering" to "flickered." That way, the sentence becomes a compound, and you're not trying to shove too many dependent clauses onto that tiny little piece of an independent clause at the beginning.

The Crunch attacks ripped at her flesh, the Houndoom thriving on the blood pouring from her wounds.

To maintain a sense of rhythm, I would suggest putting a period after the word "flesh" so that you have short but right-to-the-point sentences about Marowak getting the crap beaten out of her. Then, modify the phrase about Houndoom thriving on her blood to make it stand on its own.

I would suggest rephrasing the latter anyway, considering the fact that you're stating what they're doing as if we're watching a nature documentary. ("The Houndoom thrive on the blood of Marowak…") Instead, try saying they're licking her blood. Maybe even drinking it, lapping it like milk, or something a bit more dynamic.

Remembering a trick Mother had taught me when I was younger, I rammed my Bone Club into the ground. Polevaulting through the air, I landed with my club pointed toward the ground in the middle of the sickening assault.

How old is the narrator at this time? Because I get the feeling that if a child saw his parent being ripped apart by thirteen wild dogs that are larger than he and his mother are, that might traumatize him a bit.

One Houndoom twisted his head and forced a raging Will-O-Wisp at me, just skimming my tail.

Again, I feel as if you're making this battle easy for the party that's supposed to win at the end. Granted, Will-O-Wisp is neither fired at point-blank range nor a move with 100% accuracy, but still, you have the fire skimming his tail and not burning him? (Given that if you're skimming the surface of something, you're still technically touching it.) Not to mention it seems oddly convenient.

As a side note, skimming is a word usually reserved for actions taken to water or other liquids. As in, if you're skimming across something, it's liquid. Be careful about your word choices.

Focusing all of my bodily energy, I channelled it through my club and into the soft earth beneath me. It began trembling and rumbling, shaking gently but growing more violent with every passing moment.

For an Earthquake, this seems… rather weak. As in, Earthquake is the most powerful Ground-type attack in the game. Right now, you're writing it as if it's a gentle rocking. While it's interesting to see more powerful attacks be hindered by time, you're also, as a result, making the attacks look weak and watery, rather than forceful and dynamic. Rather than describe the attack as a gentle rumbling, try having the attack shake the ground violently as soon as the character smashes into the ground. That way, the attack looks more formidable, rather than a weak effort.

You seem to do this with the leader Houndoom's Flamethrower too, which is also why the fact that it missed seemed oddly anticlimactic.

So there. This is like a one-shot deal,

One-shot = only one installment. I don't know what you'd call a two-chapter fic, but it's really not the same thing. It is, in itself, a serial.

If you wanted a one-shot, you could have easily put both halves together, separated by a scene break of some sort. One-shots can have multiple scenes in them, and you're only at seven pages in total. Most forums will actually let you post that much material in one go. I know this because I usually post stuff twice that length.



Overall, to be blunt, I think the first chapter was a bit better.

Grammatically, a lot of the errors have returned, some with even more force. I highly, highly recommend you proofread before you submit by reading it aloud at least twenty-four hours after you finish writing. You'll catch a lot of awkward mistakes, and you'll be more inclined to pick out the odd misspellings. Given the rest of your work, you definitely know how to spell, so that makes the errors you do make stand out even more than they should.

Additionally, remember that when you write dialogue, start a new paragraph whenever you go into someone's actions – especially if they're someone else's. That way, there's no confusion, and you won't be trying to cram too much into a single paragraph. If you did, you'd also be able to see that the amount of dialogue you have in this story is actually fine. It just looks like you have too much because you tend to start new paragraphs only when the speaker changes.

Also, this guide should explain how to use commas, and this one offers a brief overview on semicolons. A lot of your punctual errors have to do with those, particularly commas in compound sentences.

As for the story, I see two problems here.

First and foremost (because it's the first half of the chapter), Pokémon. Remember that wild Pokémon are like wild animals. They're not humans in Pokémon suits, so they most likely won't live like humans. I say this because writers do this quite frequently, and as a result, it's difficult to take the story seriously or to see the story as believable. (As in, the message of the story seems a little more difficult to work with because, as I've said earlier, these Pokémon are just like people, rather than aliens or creatures that aren't human. Their values and society lose their foreign feeling as a result because we see them as essentially familiar.) I would highly suggest researching the kinds of animals the Pokémon you're writing about are based on to get a vague idea of how those Pokémon actually live and construct their characters and mindsets from there. That way, you can include things that you didn't touch on like instinct. (For humanoid and Pokémon based on inanimate objects, it's a bit harder to really imagine how they'd live, but just go with the "these aren't humans" train of thought, and you should be able to figure out how to build from there.) You succeed slightly with Houndoom and their relentless attack, but even then, their choice of words (such as in the phrase "pull out" instead of "let's get out of here") make them feel slightly more human than they should be.

Second, think very carefully about your battles. In some cases, you slow moves down and use "softer" description to the point where they just don't seem as powerful as they should be. (Flamethrower, Earthquake.) In others, you have odd and fairly illogical things happen. (Marowak's dive under Houndoom's body for Focus Punch, Houndoom's miss.) I would suggest really thinking about how moves work and what sort of effects moves like these would have when you write. Otherwise, it looks as if you're watering down the battles, which you really shouldn't do considering the fact that the battles are essentially the best parts of your story, and in some cases, it looks like you're tilting the battle in the favor of one of the parties, even if that party may not win later on. (Thinking specifically of Marowak here.)

On that note, yes, avoid purple prose, as I've said before. Sometimes, a simple description is all you need, not a long, flowery one. Part of the reason why your story feels slower than it actually is probably lies in the fact that you spend so much time describing, for example, what kind of grass is being moved. If you have to spend more than four words for that, then that's really a bit much.

The story itself, of course, isn't so bad, as I've said before. Personally, angsty death isn't something I've had a taste for since I studied plays that were essentially "stuff happens, everybody dies" (Hello, King Lear.), but the idea of a Marowak protecting a child and subsequently dying despite her efforts really can't lose, in my opinion. The lack of real closure at the end was a nice touch, too.

In other words, it was an okay read, but the fact that you need to be a bit more careful in your proofreading stage and in choosing your words carefully bring it down quite a bit.