Side tip: You may want to come up with a title soon. Outright saying that something is your first fanfiction usually tends to scream "fresh meat."
Anyway, quoted review. Any corrections I make along the way will be in
bold.
The reason why I added the hyphens is because the term actually serves as one word. If you said he was sixteen years old, yes, that would be separate, but here, you're actually using the term as a single noun.
named Damian was washing his body
Drop the "up" here. Otherwise, you conjure the image of someone literally washing up onto shore.
in a lake near his cabin, he saw a Bulbasaur watching him. He looked at it, and it suddenly ran away.
First off, this would be a run-on sentence if you didn't put a period in the middle. What that basically means is you attempted to string together more than two independent clauses (phrases that could stand as their own sentences) into one long sentence, thus forming a bit of a mess that you should avoid.
Second, a compound sentence requires a comma before the conjunction. That is, if both parts of the sentence can stand on their own and make sense as individual sentences, then you most likely have a compound on your hands. Hence, you need to punctuate it appropriately.
Damian got out of the lake and walked inside his cabin to freshen up.
It's highly recommended that you spell check your work before submitting it to avoid spelling errors (such as freshin instead of freshen). It's also a little strange that he just got done washing himself in the lake... only to wash himself again in the cabin.
When Damian walked outside his cabin, he was wearing a black necklace, a blue shirt, black shorts, and white shoes.
Unless the shorts were attached to the shoes somehow.
Also, while this is a start with description, I feel you could do a lot more. Right now, for example, we don't know what Damian looks like other than what he's wearing. Remember that the reader can't read your
mind, so all we've got to go on is the descriptions you give us. In order to give us a full experience, I'd say try describing what the character looks like in terms of physical appearance beyond clothing. Eyes, hair, that sort of thing. And I'd recommend trying to integrate it a little better so you don't smack the reader over the head with it. Maybe describe the color and style of his hair as he runs his hand through it, for example.
Later when he was walking along a trail, he saw the same Bulbasaur standing in front of him.
How did he know it was the same Bulbasaur? Any particular markings? That's the sort of thing we, as readers, would like to know.
Damian walked along past Bulbasaur and kept on walking on the trail.
I'd recommend reading your work aloud as you proofread it. Sometimes, you can catch awkward sentences that way.
This particular piece feels a little redundant. We know Damian is on the trail, we know he passed Bulbasaur, and we know he's walking. (Incidentally, "passed" is a verb, whereas "past" is a location. You're referring to a location in the quote above, not the verb.) Yet, the part after "and" seems to state the same thing as the part before it. I would recommend rearranging the sentence so that it states this only once. Maybe try something along the lines of, "Damian walked passed Bulbasaur and down the trail." That way, you can at least state that he's walking past Bulbasaur and is on the trail without having to state "kept on."
When he took a break by sitting on a tree stump, he saw the Bulbasaur again. The Bulbasaur walked towards him and rubbed its body against his leg.
...A wild Pokemon just wandered towards a human and inexplicably started rubbing itself against his leg? It seems a little convenient to me, especially since wild animals don't tend to approach human beings for no apparent reason.
Damian rubbed Bulbasaur's head with his hand. He smiled at Bulbasaur and told him to come with him on the trail.
I agree with Miss Cow here. You could do a lot with this scene -- namely, extend it into dialogue. This is an important moment for Damian, so you really don't want to just summarize it in literally two sentences.
When they were walking along the trail for hours, they felt they were getting hot, and Bulbasaur's bulb
We really don't need to know the bulb is on its back. Assume that your readers are also Pokemon fans, which means they know the more obvious details of a Pokemon, such as the basic appearance of an average Bulbasaur.
?!!
Um, I'm sorry, but I'm really finding it hard to believe that a non-Fire-type just spontaneously combusted. O_o Seriously, how did that happen?
(As a note, no, plants do not spontaneously combust. Heat and lack of humidity combined make it
easier for a plant to catch on fire, but there needs to be some extreme conditions combined with the initial spark in order for an actual blaze to occur.)
Damian grabbed Bulbasaur and put it around his hands so it can get cooler.
I'm having trouble understanding what you mean by "put it around his hands." You may want to rephrase that so that the image is clearer.
Additionally, if something the size of a Bulbasaur suddenly caught on fire, I think all this would do is burn Damian's hands.
Bulbasaur was getting hotter, so he ran as fast as he could. When he was running, he saw a girl with a Charmander, so he went to talk to her about his Bulbasaur.
Again, you could lengthen all of this, starting with a description of the girl (as in, yes, what she looks like, even if it's just some brief details) and going into dialogue that shows the reader not only what is being said but also the reaction both characters have to each other. I'd imagine that the girl would be fairly shocked to see a Bulbasaur on fire, and this may affect how she behaves around Damian, who is apparently (to her) Bulbasaur's trainer.
The girl told Damian that his Bulbasaur was burnt
Yeah, hopefully, dialogue would be able to add more to the girl's reaction so it looks like she's not just stating the obvious here.
so him and the girl went inside her cabin to get something to heal Bulbasaur's burn. After the girl healed Bulbasaur, she gave Damian two Poke Balls.
"Poke Ball" is actually two words. Additionally, if you're going to capitalize Pokemon species names when using them as common nouns (such as
a Charmander or
a Bulbasaur), then you should really capitalize
all things related to Pokemon, including Pokemon items.
Damian looked at the girl with a confused expression, and she told him that she was giving him a spare Charmander to keep for himself.
Why? O_o He just came to her with a burning Bulbasaur, so most likely, he looks like an abusive and careless trainer right about now.
She also told him that he should keep his Pokemon in a safe place so they won't get hurt the way Bulbasaur got burnt.
"Like what" is not a good way to describe similar situations. The phrase is slang, so you really only hear it in dialogue.
Damian went outside of the girl's cabin,
Incidentally, if you're showing a possessive (a noun belonging to another noun), you need to put an apostrophe in the noun that owns the other noun. For example, the cabin belongs to the girl, so therefore, you need to say "the girl
's cabin," not "the girls cabin." Leaving out the apostrophe forms a plural, which means you're saying that it's a cabin for multiple females.
For plural possessives, the apostrophe comes after the S, rather than before. For example, if multiple girls owned the cabin, it would be "the girls
' cabin."
Lastly, you don't need a possessive with pronouns. A cabin belonging to a creature with no gender is "its cabin," not "it's cabin." (The reason why is because "it's" is a contraction for "it is.") A cabin belonging to a female would be "her cabin," not "her's cabin."
See what I mean?
Also, I dropped the and right after where I cut off the quote in order to make a list.
put Charmander and Bulbasaur inside their Poke Balls, and waved a goodbye to the girl.
Dropped the part about the trail because you mention him being on the trail again in the next sentence.
He saw a bridge, so he went on it. However, it had too
To = preposition. A verb or a noun always follows the word in reference to either a place or something that is being done.
Too = number. An abundance of things. i.e. The word you want.
Two = number. Just one more than one thing and one less than three. Four is out of the question.
That is, homophones are just something you need to memorize, but yes, you should memorize them. Otherwise, you start saying odd things, which will be a problem if you want readers to take you seriously.
many pieces of wood missing, but he kept on walking on the bridge.
If there's too many pieces of wood gone, and it's a wooden bridge... what's he walking on?
When Damian was walking on the bridge, a piece of wood broke under his feet, and he fell through the bridge. He landed in the water but was saved by a Squirtle.
Again, more detail about this event would be a good idea. This is an exciting moment. You need to capture the reader's attention by detailing this as much as possible to keep their interest. We don't care about the phrase "was saved by a Squirtle." We
do care if we can actually visualize what happened by a longer account filled with emotion.
He was on the Squirtle's shell, and the Squirtle carried him back where he came from safely.
All the way to the cabin, eh?
I think you mean to say something along the lines of Squirtle carried him to shore.
Overall, you could use a bit of proofreading. I would recommend getting a beta or at least familiarizing yourself with some of the problem rules you seem to be having trouble with -- namely, homophones, possessives, and compound sentences -- by looking up the rules on Google. A lot of the corrections I made above are just repetitions of the same basic mistakes over and over again, which could either be sorted out with a thorough read-through by yourself and with a beta reader (someone who will read your story and point out where it could be improved) and/or if you look over your mistakes and teach yourself the rules of grammar.
As for the storyline, I agree that it's a bit lacking, particularly because you don't go into too much detail. Remember that you're primarily a storyteller, so you need to provide as much detail about a scene as possible to help us, the readers, understand what's going on and visualize it. Once we can visualize what's happening, we'll be drawn into your story. Right now, it's hard to really care about your characters because you really don't give them a chance to act. You rush from one event to another with little breath in between, so literally, your characters haven't had a chance to so much as speak, much less get hurt or react to what's going on around them. You've got to slow down and show the reader exactly what's in your head -- the conversations, the rescues, the battles, that sort of thing -- so we can fully experience your story.
Additionally, a few things seemed a little too convenient. A Bulbasaur just
happens to want to join Damian for no reason. A girl just
gives Damian a Charmander, despite the fact that he came to her with no idea as to how to take care of his own Pokemon. A Squirtle literally came out of
nowhere to help Damian, who doesn't actually seem to be drowning anyway. You really should explain motivations. Why did the girl just give Damian a Charmander? Why did the Bulbasaur trust Damian right off the bat? Why did Squirtle suddenly appear to save him, even though all he did was fall into Squirtle's territory?
In general, it's okay for a start. Readable, which is definitely something for a first. You just really need to work on slowing down and getting the whole story on paper.
