[Pokémon] My first pokemon fanfic

Pachireecko

    • 372
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    16
    Years
    Keep in mind that this has been written by a 10 year old, so it won't be perfect.

    Spoiler:


    Constructive criticism?
     
    I liked it, however there are a few things I didn't like.

    Firstly, I don't think it's a good Idea to call your fanfic "My first Pokemon Fanfic". Some people will think you are a Noob (I don't think so, mainly because you didn't say l33t once in the entire thing)

    Secondly, the plot was a little cliche, but I do like how you didn't do the same starters. I appreciate it when users show things you don't see in the Anime/Games, or else it would get boring. For example, Machop/Growlithe/Gastly was pretty good.

    Also, you should probably do the "Enter twice" thing. I don't think it's that important, but most people aren't going to like it. So, like this;

    "Why hello there Tyler" said Professor Oak when Tyler arrived "Are you here to pick up your pokemon?"

    "Yes. " replied Tyler, panting from his sprint to the lab.

    "Well you're in luck, I still, have a few left."

    "Oh thank goodness!" said Tyler "Oh, and has Harry come yet?"

    "Yes, he was the first to arrive. I'd say he's in Viridian City by now!"

    "Darn…" replied Tyler "I was hoping to set out before him…"


    One more thing, don't make your age an excuse for bad writing. I've heard of 7 year olds writing bestsellers.

    I hope you enjoyed my opinion!

    With all regards

    -ChrisTom
     
    Last edited:
    Just a slight comment on the fic because I'm busy at the moment and don't really have time for a full review.

    This may be a small thing, but it's important. When you have a dialogue tag(i.e. he said/she said) after your dialogue, then it's important to put a comma to end the sentence.
    Pachireeecko said:
    "Why hello there Tyler," said Professor Oak when Tyler arrived, "Are you here to pick up your pokemon?"
    Click to expand...


    ChrisTom said:
    One more thing, don't make your age an excuse for bad writing. I've heard of 7 year olds writing bestsellers.
    Click to expand...
    That, and IRL problems. Never use IRL problems as an excuse.

    Just saying. If I have time, I'll do a proper review later, but I just wanted to point out that small detail there for the time being.
     
    ChrisTom said:
    I liked it, however there are a few things I didn't like.

    Firstly, I don't think it's a good Idea to call your fanfic "My first Pokemon Fanfic". Some people will think you are a Noob (I don't think so, mainly because you didn't say l33t once in the entire thing)

    Secondly, the plot was a little cliche, but I do like how you didn't do the same starters. I appreciate it when users show things you don't see in the Anime/Games, or else it would get boring. For example, Machop/Growlithe/Gastly was pretty good.

    Also, you should probably do the "Enter twice" thing. I don't think it's that important, but most people aren't going to like it. So, like this;

    "Why hello there Tyler" said Professor Oak when Tyler arrived "Are you here to pick up your pokemon?"

    "Yes. " replied Tyler, panting from his sprint to the lab.

    "Well you're in luck, I still, have a few left."

    "Oh thank goodness!" said Tyler "Oh, and has Harry come yet?"

    "Yes, he was the first to arrive. I'd say he's in Viridian City by now!"

    "Darn…" replied Tyler "I was hoping to set out before him…"


    One more thing, don't make your age an excuse for bad writing. I've heard of 7 year olds writing bestsellers.

    I hope you enjoyed my opinion!

    With all regards

    -ChrisTom
    Click to expand...

    Ok, thank you for giving your opinion. :)
     
    All the tips given thus far are really good, and you should follow them, but I have a few of my own observations:

    Alright, first I have to say... Prologues are not to introduce your story, the information in your prologue would have fit much better as part of the first chapter. You should also attempt to expand your writing, a chapter should be more than a couple characters, the amount you've written is, in my opinion, barely enough to make up a decent-sized first chapter. You also shouldn't put the location in your writing the way you do, you should describe the place rather than just state it, it will improve the story by quite a bit.

    Understand that I am not criticizing you to be cruel or anything, I just want your writing to improve.
     
    Yuoaman said:
    You also shouldn't put the location in your writing the way you do, you should describe the place rather than just state it, it will improve the story by quite a bit.
    Click to expand...
    To add on to this, and give an example of what Yuoaman is talking about, I'll use an example right from your story.

    Ketchum Residence
    Tyler Ketchum was sleeping.
    Click to expand...

    could become

    Inside the house of famed Pokémon trainer Ash Ketchum, his brother, Tyler, was sleeping.
    Click to expand...

    I might have some more to say later on. But I hope this little bit helps.
     
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