My first two poems

[gwenvar]

Earth and sun

Love the sun,
That warms the earth,
Feel the heat,
That gives the birth
Lonely guy,
Who walks the sand,
Love the light,
That warms the hand.

The sun goes up,
And sun goes down,
A full circle,
That goes around.

Empty spaces
Make the whole,
Truth and grace
Is ancient goal.


There will be a day

There will be a day,
When all minds will flay,
Taking longer time,
Making stronger line,
Making the whole fed up,
Taking the world sped up.

Suffering in motion,
Incredible emotion,
Craving for the love,
Raging out the self,
Contriving things
To the emotional self.

This poem might have errors in several places, but it's an insanely hard one to construct, and it is completely made of symbols, so I think, you can forgive me for that :).

 

[bobandbill]

I liked the beginning of the Earth and sun poem, as well as the ending. The middle bit sounded a bit odd with this bit:

The sun goes up,
And sun goes down,

My issue with it is with the repetition of 'sun goes ___' and the feeling of something missing in the latter line (And the sun goes down? And it goes down?). Otherwise it was a neat poem about it I thought.

The repetition of words also seemed to come up elsewhere (although every second line in the opening stanza used repetition well, 'Love the sun'/'Love the light' felt out of place in contrast as it wasn't consistent) and also to a lesser extent in the second poem (emotional/emotion and '___ the self', and 'Taking the'/Making' in the opening verse of that poem). That's the main issue that came to mind, although 'Raging out the self,' did sound a bit odd as well to me, albeit interesting. Maybe consider altering those aspects of them, but otherwise I enjoyed the two. =)

 

[gwenvar]

Thanks!

Actually the repetition had a purpose in Earth and sun, because I wanted to make a feeling of the natural circulation of time. The "sun goes up and sun goes down" is referred to the optical illusion that the sun goes around the Earth (goes up east, and goes down west).

In the second poem, the story in the 2nd paragraph is: Someone tries to break out of his suffering, he hopes help from love, but he wouldn't find it, so he gets mad, then tries to ignore the things, and make misconceptions about his feelings.

Anyways, thanks for the critics, I'll work on the structures some more, but I'll probably writing novels, so you can give me critics about that too :)