[Pokémon] New Bark and Beyond- Chapter 1: New Region, New Friends, New Rivals

[Cardwell74]

There was a cool breeze in the woods; at least cool compared to what Alex was used to. Being a Hoenn native, the breeze in here in Johto seemed much colder by comparison. Regardless Alex pressed on, a single pokeball latched on his belt, 5 slots open. He reached the top of a hill and looked down into the distance to see his destination, New Bark Town, was only a short stretch of brush away. He took a deep breathe and smelled something he hadn't before. He looked around to see where this odor was coming from, finally looking up, to see what appeared to be a trainer riding an Aerodactyl coming towards him.

When the trainer landed just in front of Alex, he recalled Aerodactyl into its Pokeball and said "Hey you, let's battle!" Alex merely smirked back and said "if I were to battle you, I'd prefer to do it with an audience. A battle between two trainers of our skill level shouldn't take place in the woods."

The strange trainer adjusted his hat and with a confused look said "What do you mean?"
Alex was dumbfounded "Cran, from Saffron City, Top 16 finisher in the Indigo Conference vs Alex, from Mauville City, Top 8 finisher in the Ever Grande Conference, that would be a battle best served for a stadium, with a score board, referee and screaming crowd."

"How do you know who I am?" Cran responded, now more confused.

"The internet my friend," Alex retorted with not so subtle sarcasm "you must not have it. Besides, due to Johto's crappy customs laws, we are only permitted to enter the region with 2 non-native Pokemon; not much of a battle. Now if you don't mind I have a meeting with Professor Elm to get too."

Alex walked past Cran and proceeded down the hill, but Cran chased after him, asking several questions "you know Elm? What's the meeting about? What Hoenn Pokemon did you bring with you? We should go through Johto together."

Alex sighed with annoyance. "Yes, I know Elm, I also know Birch, and I once met Rowan. The meeting is confidential. I brought my Gardevoir."

"Only one? Why? What about your starter?" Cran continued as Alex had yet to look back at him. With no response Cran went to talk again but Alex stopped dead in his tracks.

"Why did we stop?"

"Stop talking," Alex said "there's something here." The two stood dead still for a few moments until something zoomed past them, and Alex took off after it. Cran, not much a runner, was having trouble keeping up. He caught up to Alex, who was standing at the edge of a pond, pokeball in hand.

"What is it?" Cran asked, as he took out a pokeball of his own.

"Something small and fast," Alex responded.

The silence remained for a few minutes until something crashed into a nearby tree. When the dust cleared, the pokemon was revealed, a Mew. It stood up and waddled to the edge of the water and started drinking. Cran chuckled and put his pokeball away

"Oh, it's just Mew."

"Just Mew?" Alex responded "you act like this is a regular thing."

"It is," Cran said casually "I see him around all the time. He's a ****ing retard."

Alex sighed and walked away "Great, now I'm going to be late."

Alex kept walking, and Cran once again followed. "Why didn't you bring something that
can fly you around? I brought 2 for ****s sake."

"I like the adventure of walking," Alex responded "none of the Pokemon I caught in Hoenn could learn fly. I assume you brought your Charizard along with you? He was after all your heavy hitter in the Indigo conference. I've never seen someone pull off the belly-zard technique."

"It's weird, you know everything about me, my team, our moves, and I know nothing about you," Cran remarked "what sort of tactics do you like?"

"No wasted motion, everything counts for something, every last hit point counts, and if worse comes to worse, I wouldn't hesitate in calling for an explosion."

Cran stopped for a second and said "you think too much, send out a pokemon, and have it attack."

"I prefer to believe that you don't think enough," Alex responded.

The two strangers eventually made it to New Bark town. When they arrived there was quiet a crowd. "looks like a battle going on!" Cran said excited "time to get me some action." He pushed his way through the crowd, and eventually saw the action, a beautiful blonde trainer was having her Jynx battle a young man and his Furret. She ordered Jynx perfectly, not missing a beat, completely out classing her opponent before delivering a final ice punch and win the battle. Cran started laughing. "You use a Jynx? Jynx sucks. I could totally kick your ass."

The girl, who had begun to walk away turned around and said "I know a challenge when I hear one." She then had a shocked look on her face and said "wait, I know you! You're Cran, from Saffron city! Challenge accepted. Who better to beat before I head out then one of Kanto's best? Since you only have 2 pokemon, I'll use.." she paused to think and in her bag before pulling out a pokeball and a heavy ball "these 2." She readied her pokeball.

Cran pulled out a pokeball, and both threw at once. Charizard and Magenton were released. "lets **** **** up Charizard," Cran said "Fire Punch!"
Charizard punched at Magneton, who separated and surrounded Charizard.

"Thunderbolt!" yelled the girl as her Magneton unleashed a huge electrical force at the fire-flying type from close range. Charizard was trapped, all it could do was throw small fiery jabs, that didn't do much damage.

Alex, who was observing from a distance, said to himself "and over aggression once again leads to a disadvantageous position."

Cran yelled out "Charizard, fly!" the lizard flapped its wings and flew out from inside of the Magenton surrounding it "now, earthquake."

As Charizard made its move, flying rapidly towards the ground, Cran's opponent gave an order, "Magenton, ZAP CANNON!" she yelled before her pokemon spun rapidly and unleashed a massive blast at Charizard, hitting it out of the air before it could attempt earthquake. Charizard got up, but was very slow, due to being paralyzed from Zap Cannon. The girl smirked and called for the finishing blow "Flash Cannon!" Magenton unleashed a third massive direct hit on Charizard, knocking it out.

Cran recalled his Charizard, and was very angry over his defeated. He threw his second poke, sending Aerodactyl into battle. "Earthquake!" he yelled in rage. The girl attempted the same counter, but Aerodactyl was quicker on the draw, and Earthquake connected, rocking Magenton. Areodactly charged, ramming its head into Magneton, followed up by a crunch, then a rock slide. Normally, dark and normal type moves wouldn't be enough, but combined the quadruple effectiveness of earthquake, and the fire punches was enough to put Magenton down.

The girl smirked, and said "impressive." She recalled her Magneton and threw the heavy ball, unleashing her Ursaring, which let out a massive roar.

By this point, the crowd was going insane with applause and cheers as the battle raged on. Cran looked to Alex who was intrigued by what he was witnessing. Aerodactyl flew at the charging Ursaring, who leaped a rather impressive height and pushed off the side of a building, landing on Aerodactyl's back. Cran had no idea what to do. The girl's smirk became even more obnoxious as she winked at Alex, whom she also recognized, before yelling to her Ursaing "hammer arm its wings!" Ursaring did just that, decking Aerodactyl on its wings, causing the dinosaur to come crashing down. Just before impact, Ursaring jumped off, and as it came down delivered a final Hammer Arm to Areodactly's head, violently knocking him out. Cran recalled his Areodactly and was shocked at the outcome. "and another victory for Abby," the girl said in celebration "maybe next time you should battle one of the junior trainers on the way to violet city, they're more your skill level."

Cran went to say something, but Alex stepped in front of him. "let it go man," Alex said "it's over."

"look at what we have here," Abby said "one of Kanto's best, one of Hoenn's best. Alexander Henry, of Mauville city, I challenge you to a 2 on 2 battle."

Alex took his bag off his shoulder turned around, detached his pokeball from his belt and said "Bring it on. I guarantee you I won't have to get my second pokemon from my bag, after all I have a meeting to get to." A gust of wind blew through the air as Abby pulled out a love ball. The two threw, with Alex sending out his Gardevoir to battle Abby's Azumarill. "you know what to do buddy," Alex said.

"Hydro pump!" Abby ordered, as her pokemon let out a large water blast that Gardevioir easily avoided. "Rollout!" yelled Abby in frustration, as he Azumarill curled up and sent itself towards Gardevoir. Gardevoir showed uncanny speed, as it avoided the attack by floating up the side of a building and back flipping behind Azumarill, landing and unleashing a psychic attack while Azumarill was recovering from hitting the building.

"You've got it stunned, now go in for a thunderbolt to put it down, but use small shadow balls on approach," Alex ordered, and his pokemon did just that, it bolted towards its prone for, hitting it with multiple small shadow balls, and once it was close enough, it delivered a thunderbolt, putting Azumarill down. Gardevoir spun and briefly vanished before reappearing beside her trainer, as they awaited to see what else Abby had up her sleeve.

Abby was no longer in the mood to joke or smirk. She was pissed, and she threw her pokeball with all her might, letting out her strongest pokemon, her Skarmory. This Skarmory was very violent, as it flew quickly at Gardevoir, who barely ducked. Skarmory circled around and tried to deliver a steel wing. Gardevoir jumped and avoided the attack, and as it came down threw out a few shadow balls, all of which connected, but Skarmory shook them off with relative ease.

"What are you going to do?" Cran asked "you've got nothing on this Skarmory."

"I have plenty," Alex responded, not even looking at the battle, focusing soley on Abby "she's letting Skarmory do whatever it wants. Gardevior listens to my every command. I don't have to beat it out right; I have to outsmart the Skarmory. Which, given how violent it is, shouldn't be too hard. Gardevoir, slow down, let it get closer."Gardevior slowed down, and when Skarmory came into strike, it went for thunderbolt, and both pokemon connected. Skamory was grounded, but Gardevoir was clearly hurting from the attack. "Now, hypnosis!" Gardevoir was able to put Skarmory to sleep, and then repeated used thunderbolt. After the third thunderbolt, Skarmory woke up, and lunged at Gardevoir, who used psychic. Both pokemon connected hard, and knocked each other out. Alex rushed to his Gardevoir, making sure it wasn't badly injured before recalling it to its pokeball. "Told you so," he said as he walked passed Abby on the way to his bag
"now if you'll excuse me, the professor is waiting."

Alex walked away from the crowd, and Cran followed him. "That was awesome dude," he said "Your Gardevoir is a boss. What is your other pokemon?"

"You'll just have to wait and find out," Alex said as they reached the lab. Alex knocked on the door and the professor quickly answered.

"Ahh, Mr. Henry! Welcome to Johto, I trust your trip was a good one," the professor said as he welcomed the two into the lab.

"it was very nice. Beautiful scenery," Alex said as Cran looked at him awkwardly "oh, right, Professor, this is Cran, he's from Kanto, I ran into him in the woods. Good guy."

"Welcome Cran," the professor said as the two shook hands.

"So you've got a little on for me to look at?" Alex asked, getting down to business.

"Yes, right this way," the professor said "this Cyndaquil is actually the son of the
Typhlosion that belongs to Gold of the Indigo Elite Four. Unfortunately, it seems to be
extremely timid."

The three entered a room where there was a Totodile running around playing, and a Cyndaquil hiding under a table. Alex pulled out a note book and a pen, "does the Totodile have any violent tendencies or other behavioural oddities? I only ask because it could be something environmental."

"The Totodile is normal as far as growing up in a lab with limited time outside goes," the professor responded.

Alex set his bag down, and pulled out a few berries. He slowly approached the Cyndaquil, holding out a berry for it. It came out from under the table and started eating the berry. Alex gently touched Cyndaquil on the head, and when he did, Cyndaquil lit its fire.

"So, professor," Cran asked "what is he doing?"

"Alex is a pokemon behaviour expert, he does work with pokemon who have behavioural issues," the professor explained.

"That explains what happened with the Skarmory," Cran said as the Totodile came over to him and started smelling his leg.

"Skarmory?" the professor said, before realizing what Cran meant "You two ran into Abby. Quiet the trainer that one. I remember when she first left this very lab with Chikorita. She was so bubbly and excited. Now she's all grown up, and quiet the competitor."

"I could've told you that one," Cran said "she kicked my ass." Just as the professor was about to say something, Totodile sprayed Cran with water, and started laughing. "Little bastard," Cran said "I like it."

"So Cran, what brought you to Johto?" the professor said after a chuckle.

While Cran and the professor talked, Alex was taking notes about Cyndaquil. "Professor, I want to take Cyndaquil with me if that's alright. Your lab is not the place for it, it needs to be outside," Alex said "I think coming with me on my way through the region would be good for it."

"That's quite alright," the professor said "but I don't want Totodile to be left here alone, how about you take it Cran?"

"That'd be awesome!" Cran said as he picked up Totodile.

"I'll keep you posted on Cyndaquil," Alex said as he picked up his bag.

"You two will have quiet the adventure together," the professor said as he handed them Cyndaquil and Totodile's pokeballs.

Alex looked at Cran and the two nodded. They left the lab as the sun was going down.
"If we're going to travel together, there's one thing we have to agree upon," Alex said "I will navigate."

"No problem," Cran said "so where we going?"

Alex sighed and said "I don't have a map, so I have no idea." The two started walking the opposite direction they had come from.

 

[bobandbill]

I like the usage of having experienced trainers starting out in a new region; not often seen in fics in general so that's a neat concept in itself to have, and I also liked the justification of them not using a full team of fully-evolved Pokemon in the new region. Your characters show some interesting personalities, such as Cran being rather enthusiastic/curious and also prone to getting angry when things don't go his way. It's a neat start all in all.

My main complaints would be with grammar as there's a fair few hiccups there that just distract from the story itself, and I also feel that you could show more on how things happen rather than tell us, but more on that in a bit.

Regardless Alex pressed on, a single pokeball latched on his belt, 5 slots open. He reached the top of a hill and looked down into the distance to see his destination, New Bark Town, was only a short stretch of brush away. He took a deep breathe and smelled something he hadn't before. He looked around to see where this odor was coming from, finally looking up, to see what appeared to be a trainer riding an Aerodactyl coming towards him.

Firstly, you'd want to write out numbers smaller than 100 in most cases, so here five rather than 5. Also, breath rather than breathe, and I'm not familiar with brush used to describe part of the land - did you mean bush? As for the He's I bolded, note that it's how you started three sentences in a row which makes it feel a bit repetitive. Try to mix it up a bit more.

When the trainer landed just in front of Alex, he recalled Aerodactyl into its Pokeball and said "Hey you, let's battle!" Alex merely smirked back and said "if I were to battle you, I'd prefer to do it with an audience. A battle between two trainers of our skill level shouldn't take place in the woods."

The strange trainer adjusted his hat and with a confused look said "What do you mean?"

Alex was dumbfounded "Cran, from Saffron City, Top 16 finisher in the Indigo Conference vs Alex, from Mauville City, Top 8 finisher in the Ever Grande Conference, that would be a battle best served for a stadium, with a score board, referee and screaming crowd."

You'd also want to start a new line when someone else talks and separate it with a line of spacing. The last line of dialogue also sounds a bit odd - I'd suggest making a new sentence after 'Grande Conference'.

"The internet my friend," Alex retorted with not so subtle sarcasm "you must not have it. Besides, due to Johto's crappy customs laws, we are only permitted to enter the region with 2 non-native Pokemon; not much of a battle. Now if you don't mind I have a meeting with Professor Elm to get too."

I'll admit that the question sounded a bit odd from Cran - if he achieved a fair bit that why would he be so surprised people know who he is? (But maybe that is part of his character; nonetheless it's what I thought at the time).

I would suggest making a new sentence after 'sarcasm' though, so add in a full stop and capitalise that You. two rather than 2 and to over too.

Alex walked past Cran and proceeded down the hill, but Cran chased after him, asking several questions "you know Elm? What's the meeting about?

Same here - the second piece of dialogue doesn't really fit the flow of the previous part and is better by itself rather than joined together. (If you read out loud, it sounds odd to say '...chased after him, asking several questions "You know Elm?' as one sentence when worded like that. Hence a full stop after questions and You rather than you would be what you'd want there.

Cran chuckled and put his pokeball away

"Oh, it's just Mew."

"Just Mew?" Alex responded "you act like this is a regular thing."

"It is," Cran said casually "I see him around all the time. He's a ****ing retard."

Same with the last two lines here as above too. Also, you're missing a full stop after 'away' there. I'll admit that I'm amused with that description of Mew, although I also hav to ask what was the point of that little scene involving Mew? It appeared, they watched it, Alex is surprised and Cran not and then that's the end of it - no further comment or plot seemed to come of it, or even some reflection from Alex about a guy being rather chill about a legendary Pokemon to the point of call it a '****ing retard'.

"looks like a battle going on!" Cran said excited "time to get me some action."

Again the comment about dialogue would apply here - you need to finish the sentence before the second piece of dialogue with the way it is worded as well as capitalise 'time', as well as 'looks'.

He pushed his way through the crowd, and eventually saw the action, a beautiful blonde trainer was having her Jynx battle a young man and his Furret.

This felt like a run on sentence - a new sentence would work better rather than a comma before 'a beautiful blonde trainer'. On that note, I'd suggest showing more rather than telling - what made this trainer so beautiful?

Who better to beat before I head out then one of Kanto's best? Since you only have 2 pokemon, I'll use.." she paused to think and in her bag before pulling out a pokeball and a heavy ball "these 2."

Same deal with the dialogue comment from before here at the end, and I'd say that 'she pause to think...' works better as its own sentence rather than continuing from the dialogue, so 'she' should be capitalised. The 2's should be two's, than (rather than) instead of then (and then), and the sentence in-between the dialogue parts sounded odd as well - '...paused to think and in her bag before pulling out a...' doesn't make sense - maybe you meant to put in something after 'think and' there. Stuff like that as said does distract from the story - be sure to proofread so that sentences make sense and you don't have those minor mistakes.

"lets **** **** up Charizard," Cran said "Fire Punch!"

Let's (Let us) rather than lets, and you need a full stop after 'said'. Also, I don't have much of a clue about what Cran was actually saying there due to the censoring there. =/ (Note that you are allowed to bypass the forum's censors in fics; you just need to give a warning about it in author's notes at the top).

Charizard got up, but was very slow, due to being paralyzed from Zap Cannon.

Cran recalled his Charizard, and was very angry over his defeated. He threw his second poke, sending Aerodactyl into battle.

Normally, dark and normal type moves wouldn't be enough, but combined the quadruple effectiveness of earthquake, and the fire punches was enough to put Magenton down.

Firstly, you'd want to add in 'Pokemon' after 'defeated'. Also you changed the way you type Magneton halfway through. But the main thing I want to point out is that you're telling a fair lot about what happens in the battle and not showing it. The first sentence for instance doesn't tell us much besides that it is slow and paralysed - but what those that actually look like? How does the Charizard feel about it as well - does it moan or growl as it slowly staggers to its feet, for instance? Same with 'was very angry' - if you instead said he swore under his breath and/or was frowning, etc, then we can tell that he is angry despite not being told it directly and it's a more interesting way to convey this fact as well for the reader.

Gardevoir was able to put Skarmory to sleep, and then repeated used thunderbolt.

repeatedly, and the same deal here - this isn't terribly interesting to read as we don't see how the Skarmory for instance tries to resist but then slumps to the ground, nor how the Thunderbolt attacks are sent or how they affect the Pokemon while asleep.

Quiet the trainer that one.

You made this mistake often too - quite rather than quiet which has to do with volume.

All in all those are the things I'd suggest to look for - small grammar mistakes (especially around ending sentences near dialogue and capitalisation) and try to show more on how events happen and characters react, especially in battles. Otherwise it's certainly not a bad start. Good luck with the rest of it!

 

[Misheard Whisper]

My overall impression of this chapter is a good one, to start with. I like reading and writing fics about Trainers who are already at or near the top of their game, so it's nice to see that here. I like how you provided an explanation early on for why Trainers only take one or two Pokemon to other regions, by the way. While I'm not entirely sure how plausible it is (customs laws allowing two but no more? How come?) you do at least get big ups for providing an explanation.

My only sort of problem with this fic is that it seemed rushed. I think bobandbill went into great detail regarding the grammar and spelling issues, so I won't make too many redundant comments on that. I will say, though, that the only issues you have could very well be avoided by slowing down a little and proofreading as you go or before you post. I'd suggest reading up on those rules regarding commas and speech tags, because those seem to be the only errors that don't come down to simply typing too fast.

As for the concept of your fic, I really do like it. As I said earlier, I like fics about experienced Trainers. Seeing Conference finalists starting new journeys in different regions is something that seems so obvious to me, yet very few people do it. So props for that.

I'm not sure I like your characters too much, Cran in particular. He seems . . . abrasive. I know characters don't always have to be likable, but they at least need to be livable. Cran seems to have ridiculous mood swings between curious and explosive, and it's a little odd to read. Speaking of strange reactions, I don't get how they reacted to Mew's appearance. Apparently Cran's familiar with it, but I still kinda think it merits a bit more of a response on Alex's part. He was just kind of like . . . okay, sure, whatever, and then moved on, even though he just saw, you know . . . a legendary Pokemon. I get that he's seasoned and 'cool', but I'd expect some kind of further reaction than that.

Your battle scenes were . . . fragmented and brief, to say the least. The whole 2v2 battle between Abby and Cran fit on my screen at once, as well as half of Abby's battle with Alex. Some battles don't need to be long, but this one felt rushed. There was a lot happening in a very small space. You mentioned moves without describing them too much. For example, this sentence:

Areodactly charged, ramming its head into Magneton, followed up by a crunch, then a rock slide.

Leaving aside the careless mangling of Aerodactyl's name, I have only the faintest idea of what is going on in this battle. Aerodactyl uses some kind of Headbutt/Iron Head move, then Crunch, and then Rock Slide. Utterly fascinating. If I'm reading a battle scene, I don't want to read a list of moves that are exchanged. I want to see how Aerodactyl blasts through the air, slamming Magneton backwards before closing its jaws around its opponent and bringing it crashing to the ground before tearing chunks of rock from the earth itself and burying its foe with them. Show us what's happening, rather than just telling us. Describe how Earthquake made it feel like the whole world was shaking, and mention the sound it makes when Aerodactyl's fangs scrape Magneton's hard steel body. The second battle scene was a little better, with some actual movement involved, but still far too superficial.

What I do like is that Alex actually has a form of special talent on top of being a good Trainer - that is, being a Pokemon behavioural expert. I enjoy reading characters like that, who tend to be somewhat more interesting than those two-dimensional ones who are simply 'battle, battle, battle'. So I'll be interested to see where he goes with that. I'm also curious as to what his second Pokemon is - if he even brought one. I'm thinking he just lied about having one because he knew Gardevoir could beat Abby easily. Anyway. That's just me speculating. ;)

Good luck. I won't say too much more now, because I'll just end up repeating myself. It wasn't a hugely long chapter, so there's not a huge amount to say. It serves its purpose as an introductory chapter well, though, introducing the main characters and the premise of the story solidly, along with some (albeit shaky, as mentioned above) action to keep readers interested. Looking forward to future progress~!