Non-apology apology

Nick

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    Hoping this will start an interesting conversation.

    "I'm sorry if I offended you."
    "I'm sorry if you felt that I was being rude."

    An apology is supposed to be an acknowledgment in offensive behavior. Do apologies like these (commonly referred to as "non-apology apologies") hold any value or conviction? Non-apology apologies tend to not acknowledge an offensive behavior, but rather an apology for how someone took something. Do they count as apologies in the first place? Do they hold any offense in people, or push the problem onto the person that they're apologizing to? How do you feel about non-apologies? Are they sincere?
     
    I generally read it as "I did not intentionally offend you" but in a slightly more 'polite' way. I commonly say these sort of remarks, because even though I don't intend to offend, people take it that way. It's not my fault that they're overtly sensitive, so I don't see the need to get down on my knees and ask for forgiveness. If I was in the wrong, then I would be sincere and admit it and give a reasonable apology; but if someone flips **** when I've barely done anything then it's their own damn problem.
     
    I don't consider them real apologies. It's really just you saying that you don't see how you did anything wrong and it's the same as lying to me, you're just trying to get out of admitting that you're wrong.
     
    The other form of a non-apology apology that I really hate is the "I'm sorry, but..." like, "I'm sorry, but you wouldn't do what you were told." - neither form is a sincere apology and I would accept neither. As Vendak suggested, it's really just saying "I'm sorry you're so goddamn sensitive" and if someone has taken offense to something you've said, that's just simply not good enough.
     
    Patchisou Yutohru said:
    "I'm sorry if I offended you."
    Click to expand...

    I sometimes use this because, frankly, I'm not sorry or regretful about what I've said. Chances are I said something because it needed to be said. If people were offended by it, that's a shame, and I am sorry if it has caused them unnecessary offence. I'm not sorry for saying it, but I am sorry if it caused offence; there is a distinct difference between the two.
     
    I don't "directly" apologize, but more in lines of lines of "not trying to be offensive or anything" type of thing before I go on type. When I do say stuff that are offensive to some but not to many others, I say it because I'm never the sort of guy who would intentionally offend somebody, and I honestly don't try to wind people up with crazy/nonsensical remarks. If it does offend people in anyway, It just simply don't mean it that way. That's all there is to it... No hiding stuff there.

    On the other end of spectrum... Again, I'm generally not a forgiving person, though I do forgive if the "offender" is sincere with his/her apology. In real life, I can usually tell if the "offender" is actually sincere with his/her apology or not. and whether or not he/she made the mistake unintentionally. I'm very picky when it comes to this matter. (maybe I should change my ways in this... I'm not sure)
     
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    This is a pretty OVP thread, and it'll probably get more replies over there. Moving!
     
    I don't tend to apologise often, but most of the time my apologies are non-apologies. Don't get me wrong, if I feel that I've done something wrong I'll be sincere with my apology, but if you're getting offended over something which I do not regret saying or doing then I'm not going to bend over backwards to earn your forgiveness or accept that I've done something wrong. If I've hurt someone's feelings, then I'm genuinely sorry that they feel that way and I'll offer a non-apology.
     
    This is why I would rather try to talk things out, instead of just offering something such as a 'non-apology', because half the time they just might not accept it. That, or if they're doing to the apology, I can't guarantee that they're being sincere about it. There's also that off chance that if things don't really get straightened out, then who's the say that it won't happen again. Of course, this depends on how badly one is offensive/rude, and now the other one reacts to it. To me, it tends to be both people at fault. One, for being rude/offensive, and the other for taking it that way/possibly acting out in a way that caused the other to be offensive. That, or one is rude, and the other one bounces back offensively.

    Regardless of the reason, I feel that talking things out is much better than saying sorry, even if it things get worse before it gets better.
     
    I generally refer to this kind of apology as the "douchebag apology". It just seems kind of half assed without much meaning behind it and such. I apologize light heartedly offline most of the time. Like I'll be like "my bad man" if something goes wrong or whatever. It's still intended to be sincere but it's not that deep of an apology because most of the time, it's not that big of a deal to me. As far as the internet goes, I will rarely ever apologize to people. There are a few notable exceptions but that's the general trend, especially a few years ago when I was a fair amount more aggressive on the internet.
     
    i accept apologies and forgive cuz that make ME feel well,i hate to put more heavy issues in my heart i hate to make it carry more than it can handle so i just set myself free of all that.
     
    I use them all the time and I'm sincere when I use them so I consider them to be real apologies. I really never mean to offend anyone, but people always get upset by something I've said or done or there is always some misunderstanding and I resort to those because, yeah I'm sorry for offending you I didn't mean it at all like you're taking it, but at the same time I don't think it's my fault you're taking it so offensively.
     
    The if is the problem.

    "I'm sorry *if* I offended you?" To me it say you're still doubting that the individual was offended?

    "I'm sorry for offending you" works better. Small change, but huge difference. Even if you really don't regret that you said something wrong or aren't sorry for it, you at least regret causing the evident outcome
     
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