on fleek [dLtMs0 v 5.5]

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From a takeaway joint there aren't many choices for a vegetarian. If I go to an actual Italian pizza place there would be more but that would take away from the USA celebration. >putting salad on a pizza
 
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Oh right, and you're a vegetarian. I forget that sometimes since it doesn't really come up.

I'm pretty spartan when it comes to pizza, though I'll eat almost anything. Generally I go Pepperoni or a deluxe option, though sometimes just plain cheese is nice.

I don't often get veggie based pizzas, though I'd be willing to explore them more. It's really a matter of comparing what I'm putting out financially and what I'm getting from it, and sometimes I just don't feel like I have the money to be experimenting.
 
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Hey, I made a new post in the SAO RP.

https://www.pokecommunity.com/posts/8779171/

Generally I wouldn't flaunt my posts because it's not the not the most well written or even that good, but lately I've felt like my writing skills and vocabulary have slowly been deteriorating and I tried something different with this specific post. As such, I'd be glad if you guys could read it and tell me why it absolutely sucks.

Seriously.

We don't get a lot of constructive criticism in the OOC and I know a good number of the regs in DLTMS0 read fanfiction, RP themselves, or at least read books, so it'd actually be helpful to hear thoughts.
 
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Either way, any criticism is fine. Regardless of how critical someone is or experienced they are with writing/storytelling (unless they're in a very far end of the spectrum), they should be able to tell if something is boring, repetitive, or just overall uninteresting. And I feel like I have a lot of "he said, she said" without enough filler.

Which, I feel like lately is my biggest weakness in RPing and general writing, especially when it comes to fight scenes. I don't feel like I illustrate what's going on well enough, giving the reader only a vague picture of what's going on. In the above post it was half intentional so it isn't really an example of this- it's more so a problem when it comes to fights or various other conversations, but even in said post, again, there's not that much illustrating the actions of the two during this conversation, which is unintentional.
 
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I'm in the boat of people that read books.

I'm also one of those people not good at providing criticism. :c

But I'll read it and see what I can complain about. :v

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Well I dont like being nitpicky, but a couple of thoughts:

- What use does a hare have for money? Wouldn't food or water be more appropriate?
- The voice description could use a slight flourish
- With the death of John Nash, the fable certainly brings this to mind.
- I think the dialogue is fine, but hey if you want to add some declaratory action sentences, that could liven things a bit.

I'm a lazy ass, so I dont really get into writing that much. After reading all that RPing "guide" years ago, I kinda got daunted with the time investment.
 
Netto Azure said:
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Well I dont like being nitpicky, but a couple of thoughts:

- What use does a hare have for money? Wouldn't food or water be more appropriate? That...actually makes more sense, I'm honestly not sure what made me go to money, though I think it had to do with the humanization of the animals and the metaphorical weight of a dollar. I'll look that over and see what I could do.
- The voice description could use a slight flourish
Hmm...this I was, at least partially, trying to keep bare, but I agree with you, that was a vary stagnant "he said, she said" part that I felt a little boring due to repetition.
- With the death of John Nash, the fable certainly brings this to mind.
HE DIED? That's a shame, the Nash Equilibrium is a damn fine concept that holds relevance even outside gaming.
- I think the dialogue is fine, but hey if you want to add some declaratory action sentences, that could liven things a bit.

I'm a lazy ass, so I dont really get into writing that much. After reading all that RPing "guide" years ago, I kinda got daunted with the time investment.
Click to expand...

Gratzi, I'll give the post a once over and see what I can change.
 
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