[Other Original] Pain

[Nolafus]

Some of you may recognize this story as one I wrote a long time ago. However, I've put it through some heavy revisions, and I would like some feedback on this new version. It's much shorter than the original, something I wanted to keep under 1,000 words, so my biggest concern is if it feels too rushed. I had a lot to get through, so hopefully I pulled through it okay.

Pain​

As I near the top of the staircase, a surge of pain erupts across my body. A thousand screaming voices can be heard inside my mind. I wince as all my muscles freeze up. My body is thrown against the stairs as I tumble down. My leg smacks against the wall, my arm hits the rail, and my head makes a loud THWACK as it slams onto the concrete floor. I lay in the corner of the stairwell bringing my knees up under my chin. It's all I can really do. Soon enough, the pain will die down, but not for a while.

If this weren't a regular occurrence, I'd be more worried. You see, I have a sort of super power. Well, I guess that's what some people may call it, but it's not very super. I feel everyone's pain. That's it, that's all I do. Normally I can withstand it, but when something big happens, it becomes too much. I used to pass out all of the time, and my mom would get so worried, but I got used to it. Well, most of it.

It's not as if the pain has gone down, but rather I just have to deal with it. Some may find this life futile, and I would have to agree with them. I'm stuck in a dead-end job, not making much money, and the only emotion I feel is pain. It's not much of a life. I start climbing the staircase again. I don't exactly know what I'm doing, my mind is blank at this moment.

I open the doors and look around me. The tops of other buildings litter the view as the sky stretches out above. Some people might call this beautiful, but I'm not one of those people. I walk towards the edge and fall off. There's no rush, no second thoughts, no first thoughts, nothing. I just keep falling. I look down in time to see the ground rush up to meet me.

My eyes open as the morning light filters through the blinds and splash onto my face. I take a deep breath and brace for everything, just like the morning before, and the morning before that one, and just like all the mornings of my entire life. I lay there in bed, preparing for the worst, but nothing happens. My mind snaps to consciousness and I sit up. Still, nothing happens.

I'm just dreaming again, that's all. I give myself a good pinch in the arm. A sharp pain makes me stop immediately. Still, nothing.

I finish getting ready as fast as possible. I want to see this world without pain. The energy inside me is growing. I have no clue what it is, but it feels… good. I spring out my front door and into my neighborhood. I see kids playing in the street, parents talking with one another, and even the old couple across the street is outside on their porch, watching the world go by with smiles on their faces.

The word happy comes to my mind. I had seen it in movies, but I never thought I would feel it for myself. I shake my head, this can't be real. I'm dead. I died last night in my sleep. I don't know how this is happening, but this is nothing more than a glorified dream. None of this is real, it can't be. This world, it's too perfect. It doesn't matter what I do, it's not real. I pause.

It doesn't matter what I do

My attention focuses on someone walking down the sidewalk. I start running towards them, shoving them to the ground with all of my might. No pain surges through my veins. My feet fly down the sidewalk as the person shouts something behind me. I don't care, none of this is real.

Nothing makes sense. Why is there no pain? Pain is what I live off of, it's why I'm here.

If there's no pain, then why do I exist?

I stop on a bridge, the water drifting lazily along. What kind of world is this? All the pain I had felt earlier is now gone. I scream, not at anything specific, but at everything. This fake, cruel world.

I run my fingers through my hair and pause. I grip and pull with all of my might. Pain encases my body as I rip the hair out of my head. It feels so good, I can't stop. Soon enough, all of it is at my feet. I kneel, panting on the sidewalk. Now what?

My gaze drifts to the water below. I go numb as I propel myself off of the edge. There's nothing stopping me now. The wind rushes past me as I keep falling, and falling. The water meets me. For a second, I feel all the pain I could ever dream about, and then, nothing.

 

[Gulpin]

You see, I have a sort of super power. Well, I guess that's what some people may call it, but it's not very super. I feel everyone's pain. That's it, that's all I do. Normally I can withstand it, but when something big happens, it becomes too much. I used to pass out all of the time, and my mom would get so worried, but I got used to it. Well, most of it.

This is an interesting premise. It vaguely reminds me of a book I read a while back, Bruiser by Neil Shusterman. If I remember correctly it had the same premise but I don't quite remember where he went with it. In the above section, it would be nice to have some more detail/descriptions of what exactly is meant by "something big." Perhaps a specific example would be more illustrative and help the reader understand what this character is experiencing.

It's not as if the pain has gone down, but rather I just have to deal with it.

I like the aspect that he still feels the severity of the pain but has learned to grow as numb to it as possible just to get by with daily life. I think it is also interesting that he decides to live around other people; if I were in his shoes I would probably isolate myself (assuming that there is some sort of radius encapsulating the people whose pain he feels).

I like the transition from his imminent death to him waking up from the dream. I also enjoy how excited he is to go out and experience the world like he never has before. It is interesting how he reacts, such as shoving the person on the sidewalk just to see if the sudden change really has happened.

Nothing makes sense. Why is there no pain? Pain is what I live off of, it's why I'm here.

If there's no pain, then why do I exist?

I like how he ties the constant pain he as always felt to his very existence. Did he feel that the pain of others that he felt somehow allowed him to connect on a deeper level with them? It presents an interesting question about sympathy and empathy and the often complex relation between the two.

I run my fingers through my hair and pause. I grip and pull with all of my might. Pain encases my body as I rip the hair out of my head. It feels so good, I can't stop. Soon enough, all of it is at my feet. I kneel, panting on the sidewalk. Now what?

I understand why he rips his hair out, but I would be interested in perhaps seeing a darker way in which he decides to inflict pain upon himself. If he did something such as cutting you could bring up the issue of self-mutilation and comment on the mental state that people are in when they do such things, such as the need to feel physical pain.

Overall, I think this is a well-writen, thought provoking short story. Along with the above comments, I would suggest trying to be a little more detailed in some places and to consider expanding upon the thematic aspects of the work.

 

[Nolafus]

Thank you! Your feedback means a lot.

Perhaps a specific example would be more illustrative and help the reader understand what this character is experiencing.

Good point. I'll have to think of a good scenario and plug it in.

I think it is also interesting that he decides to live around other people; if I were in his shoes I would probably isolate myself (assuming that there is some sort of radius encapsulating the people whose pain he feels).

He feels everyone's pain, so there really isn't a radius. I thought about the isolation thing too, but humans depends on some sort of society to live, so I tossed it pretty early in favor of the city.

I understand why he rips his hair out, but I would be interested in perhaps seeing a darker way in which he decides to inflict pain upon himself. If he did something such as cutting you could bring up the issue of self-mutilation and comment on the mental state that people are in when they do such things, such as the need to feel physical pain.

Yeah, I can add something in-between the hair ripping and jumping off a bridge. That is quite the leap (pun intended), so a transition between the two events could do some good.

Overall, I think this is a well-writen, thought provoking short story. Along with the above comments, I would suggest trying to be a little more detailed in some places and to consider expanding upon the thematic aspects of the work.

Thanks! I do have a couple hundred words I could add before I hit that 1,000 word barrier, so I'll definitely be adding in a few things to flesh out the story line a little.

 

[Fairy]

I remember this one. Your revisions have really helped to the overall flow of the story. It feels much stronger than the story I remember reading. Not to say it was anything less than stellar before, but I think the message comes through clearer here. The weight of how.. dark it is.

Your words move seamlessly, and really lend to the sense of urgency the protagonist feels. I agree with Bardothren and Gulpin though, I wish I got to know even more about what this person was experiencing. More about who this person was and why. I know I'm not really in any position to be making critiques, but I think more descriptive language regarding the protagonist specifically could help me relate more. The pacing is very fast, though I can also see how that can be a good thing in this case. There's definitely a balance to be found, and you're not far from the mark here.

Anyway, this was definitely a treat to read. You haven't fail to impress!

 

[Nolafus]

First of all, thank you! The story used to be around 3,000 words, so it contained a lot of scenes that didn't really add anything. It's nice to know the cuts have helped, but I guess i trimmed a tad too much.

As for the flaws of this story, I have two to point out. The first is fairly obvious - there's very little descriptive language in your story. The setting of your story is difficult to envision. The second is a more subtle problem - your pacing is quick, and the character seems to race through his transformation from futilely and numbly accepting all his pain to rebelling against a world without it. Fixing the first problem will fix the second; descriptive language does an excellent job slowing down the pacing of any story.

Ah, description. We meet again.

It's always my weakest part, but I'll go through and add in a few details where you mentioned. I'm not sure where to add a name though. I originally did have his name in the story, but it felt so forced that I ended up removing it. I'll try a few different things, but I'm not really convinced its necessary. Would including it in his little blurb about his "power" be a bad move?

Your words move seamlessly, and really lend to the sense of urgency the protagonist feels. I agree with Bardothren and Gulpin though, I wish I got to know even more about what this person was experiencing. More about who this person was and why. I know I'm not really in any position to be making critiques, but I think more descriptive language regarding the protagonist specifically could help me relate more. The pacing is very fast, though I can also see how that can be a good thing in this case. There's definitely a balance to be found, and you're not far from the mark here.

Yeah, I left it a little too rushed. I'm trying to keep it really short, for possible publishing purposes in the future once I feel like I'm ready, but I can add a few more things. Thanks for reading it again!