Roy said:
I've been planning for about a week now, so the story's pretty good.
I've been thinking about my fic since July of 2008. Does that make it a good fic? No. What makes it a good fic is the quality of work in the fic. (I am by no means saying that my fic is good.)
Something I noticed right away is that you are not even using quotation marks ("), you are using apostrophes (').
Something you might want to do is to add a lot of description. Let's take a look at this paragraph
Roy said:
While Elm was inside his laboratory, a teenager was just waking up. His name was Zeke Walker, a 14-year-old guy with messy black hair, weighed 53.07 Kilos, and was 1.7 Meters tall. He woke up as he usually did every day, at 7:00 AM.
The first comma should actually be a semi-colon because the sentence actually has two different subjects and have two different verbs, yet they are not complete sentences by themselves.
The second sentence is a nightmare. There are commas everywhere, need a space between "hair" and "weighed". I understand why you list his height and weight, but its pointless. Most of us Americans have no clue how high 1.7 meters is, much less how much 53.07 Kilos are. I googled the conversions for those measurements and now realize that 1.7 meters is pretty tall for a 14 year old. I'm 19 and 1.87m tall and I am really tall compared to most others.
On too weight. Well the weight would be about right, but the height is really tall for a fourteen year old.
Also one more thing to note about measurements is that you always spell out anything below one hundred.
Typically the human mind pictures things as normal, unless you tell it to otherwise. So unless the character is unusually tall for his age, in which this case he is, you don't need to put specs. Instead of saying that Zeke is 1.7m tall, say Zeke was tall for his age. You might also want to change the description of his hair to something less generic. "Zeke sported untamed black hair."
See how I described his hair. I used a word that you don't hear every day. I would highly suggest that you use a thesaurus for your description words; it will keep your descriptions from sounding redundant.
Take your time while writing and your story will be a great story. It doesn't matter how cliché your story idea is, if the rest of the story is great, then your story will be great too.
I noticed that you said something about writing it in one night. It is a great idea to use a word processor. It will allow you to save work to work on it later, and the good ones have a built n spell checker. If you don't have one, Sun Microsystems offers a free one that is compatible with Microsoft Office and it even sports a spelling checker. For mor info on that check out openoffice.org.
I just want to state that I am not against you. You do have a good idea, but you need to develop it more. I would like to see you take what I said into conservation before posting the next chapter.
