Pi-Pikachu!

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Pikaship101

Pikachu-pika-pi.
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    This is the redone version of "Pika-Pika-Chu!"....It'a different then the orignal.It doesn't follow the same storyline....Sorry for any doubleposts ^^
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    Preview:Two Pikachu are lost.They don't know how to survive in the wild.One becomes panicky,but it's panic only get's worse as time flys....
     
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    Chapter one:The disaster.
    "Kaa-chu?," mumbled a Pikachu as she covered her face,shielding itself from a crossing vans bright lights.
    "Pi-pikachu," she said cheerfully as the car passed...
    It suddenly sensed something was wrong...It bobbed it's ears,and stared at the road.
    "Pi," she gasped as she saw something terrifying.
    "Pi-Pikachu-Pi!" she squeeled as she ran towards a fallen Pikachu.
    "Pi..." she gasped as it tryed to reach her friend.
     
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    "Pi-Pikapi-ka!" she screamed as she ran towards stopped as it's friends body.
    She grabbed him and ran into a nearby forest,not thinking twice.

    Tears dared to leak out from her eyes,but she tryed not to let him she her sadness.She shook her head to get rid of some of the tears,but failed,as the Pikachu,now on his back,staring at the her,noticed the tears.He timidly,threw his hardly un-harmed arm into the air,and wiped away one of her tears.
    "Pi-Chu k-a", he gasped as he spat blood.
    "Pi-pikachu!" the other pikachu screamed as she saw her friend faint.

    "chu....." she whispered as she stared at the friend....

    "Pi-chu-pi".

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    Nya,the next chappie is going to be more in detail and better.I promise *nice guy pose*
     
    Spelling errors, grammar problems, lack of detail, lack of a story due to previous problems listed.

    Look, first of all, it's way too short from what you're trying to achieve. Add in way more details than you have already. Where are the Pikachu? What's happening to the Pikachu? I'm assuming that one got hit by a car, or bus, or truck, or something, but I can't be sure since you didn't say something along the lines of "A car hit the Pikachu". It's just dialogue, and that gets confusing.

    I'm tossing this into the Bin. Try to make the chapters longer next time, with more description of everything.
     
    I know,I know.That's why I said I'm going to make it better!
    Yea!...More longer chapters,more details..More..Pikachu stuff,yea I already know..But thanks :P
     
    Pikaship101 said:
    I know,I know.That's why I said I'm going to make it better!
    Click to expand...

    ...

    If you really know, then you should make it better instead of just promising that you will. Because really, no-one cares about promises; they want to see you actually fulfill them.

    You already have enough feedback to work with, so work with it. I really don't see why you made a new thread either, because really, it's not going to keep you out of the bin. If anything, you'll just annoy Hanako-sama who'll have to keep moving near-identical threads all the time and it's not nice to annoy our dear moderator. Just edit your existing threads in the future, m'kay? The way out of the bin is to edit your existing work until it lives up to standard, not repost it and hope that it escapes notice.
     
    Especially since nothing escapes my notice.

    Look, you had time to learn how to get better between the creation of this thread and the last post you made in the old one. You also could have used that time to practice writing and see what works and what doesn't. But I'm really not seeing any sort of improvement between the two stories. It's still the same quality.

    You promised that you would make it better, but I don't see it. You're only giving empty promises right now. If you know that you need more detail, then add it. Don't say that you will. Do so already.

    Read the guides. Read other fanfics. See how things are done there and try to apply what you learn to your own fanfic. Write on a word processing program, which will benefit you in numerous ways. Just start making changes instead of making promises.
     
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