Pika-pika-chu!

Pikaship101

Pikachu-pika-pi.
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    Pika-pika-chu!

    Preview: 2 pikachu's are lost in a forest.One is a excitable pikachu the other is a mellower pikachu.What happens when one of them gets hurt[the story begins where one of them gets hurt.]...Sorry,I'm not good with previews
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    "Kaa-chu" mumbled a pikachu."Pika-pikachu!" yelled a pikachu as it ran to the pikachu who was lying on the ground,bleeding from it's side..."Pika!Pika-pika...Chu?"squeaked the un-injured pikachu while holding back tears....It was stopped by the injured pikachu laying it's head against it's[un-injured pikachu]leg..."Pika...Pikachu-chu....Chu-ka-pi." muttered the injured pikachu..."Pi...Pikachu.Cha" said the un-injured pikachu as it looked into the sky...

    [Flashback]

    "Ka-chu!Kaa-chu!" squeaked a healthy pikachu with scurffy hair. "Pichu-pichu....Pikachu!" said a pikachu as it streached from it's nap and ran towards the other pikachu and pounced it...

    "It's nice to see you again,Ritchie" said a teenager with black hair,with a hat that had a blue symbol on it....

    "Oh,hey Ash!Long time no see!" said a,teenager about the same age as Ash who had brown hair and wore a blue hat with a yellow stripe , Ash he shook Ash's hand.

    "Pika-pika!" said the larger pikachu with the scruffy hair as it pounced onto the smaller pikachu..."Pika.Pika-chu-chu" laughed the smaller pikachu...

    "Hey,pikachu!" called Ash.."Sparky,hey!" yelled Ritchie to his pikachu..."Pika-pika!" yelled the pikachu named Sparky as it gently nuggied Pikachu.Then it ran to it's best buddy,Pikachu stayed stunned for a second before running to Ash...

    "Hey...Ash!" yelled Dawn as she ran up the hill where Ash and Ritchie where standing. "Bune-buneary" said a exchausted Buneary as it flopped on the ground,panting."Pip-pip-lup!" yelled a Piplup as it jogged up the hill...."Oh,hello,I'm Dawn." said Dawn as she extended her hand to greet Ritchie...."And I'm Ritchie,nice to meet you Dawn." said Ritchie in a cheerful manor..."Hello Richie!" said Dawn.

    "Pikachu-chu." sighed Pikachu as it jumped off Ash's sholder..."Buneary!" said Buneary as it shyly waved at Pikachu..."Chu!Pik-" started Pikachu until Sparky ran up to them and shaked Buneary's hand,"Pika-pikachu!" greeted Sparky..."Bun-bun-neary-buneary." muttered Buneary.

    [End of flashback]
     
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    Thunder roared as the clouds grew darker...Rain started poaring."Pika-pikachu!" exclaimed the Pikachu as it gently pulled the Sparky by it's tails,towards a bush. "Pi." said Sparky on it's back,as it pointed towards the sky...

    "Staravia,star,star." said a brown,bird pokemon before it started landing.

    "Pika-pikachu," whispered pikachu as it's eyes widened and tears appeared at the corner of it's eyes...."Pika-pikachu!" exclaimed Pikachu."Pi..ka?" weakly said Sparky as it layed it's head down.

    "Staravia?" said the Staravia as it turned it's head towards the direction of the 2 pikachu,as it landed on a branch.

    "Chu" muttered pikachu as it crouched down,not wanting Starvia to find it.

    "Pika?" whispered Sparky.

    "P-pika!" gasped Pikachu as it stared at Sparky's wound.

    It is slowly gorging blood and the skin ripped off.It almost looks like the skin was peeled back.
     
    Hello, and welcome to the forum called PFF.

    Ah, your story reads extremely quickly. There's little to no description as to what is happening in the story, so I was getting confused. You want to take your time when writing to make sure that your characters and the actions they take are described well enough so that there's no need for author notes in the middle of the text.

    Basic grammar needs to be improved as well. You start a new paragraph whenever someone speaks. You'll want to use some word processing program that has spell-check so that all words are spelled correctly. You should proof-read over your work before you post it, to make sure that all typos are cleared up. (I noticed that you were missing spaces between sentences.)

    There are a few threads you could read if you want to get better help with your writing. (What I'm giving you now is real quick cover-all for your problems. These threads can actually help you out.)

    PFF Rules
    Basic Writing Guide v1.0
    Grammar Advice

    Good luck to you.
     
    Ok...I guess I should put a preview.Okay!..Basic grammar...Okie-dokie!...Thanks!I shall do better *salutes*!
     
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    Hm... Can't really add much to Hanako_Tabris's review since she's been pretty thorough, eh-heh. x3

    Anyway, something you should be aware of when writing is chapter length. Just as real-life authors usually don't write chapters in books that are only one or two pages long unless it's a stylistic choice and important to the story, fanfics need a fairly long chapter. My personal favorite rule of thumb is "At least four pages on a standard word document", but preferably you should write at least ten to avoid any complaints. More then one thing can happen in the same chapter you know. In your fic, I'd say all of the chapters written thus far could be easily fused into one and would probably look better that way. Other then that, I'd say that your other main problem is too much "Pika-Pika". If you don't want to use human speech, basic animal sound can be mixed with Pokemon language (Growled, screeched, squeaked, whined) in order to avoid stylistic faux pax.
     
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