Pokémon Hoenn Adventures

[Kozoi]

Pokémon Team​

Mudkip
Impish Nature.
Moves: Tackle, Growl, Mud-slap, Water Gun.​

Chapter One - The Adventure Begins!​

A ten year old is ready to recieve his very first Pokémon from Prof. Birch, a great Pokémon researcher of the Hoenn Region. Kozoi has high hopes for his very first Pokémon from Prof. Birch.​

Kozoi woke up to Tailow chirping from a nearby tree as the morning sun shined in the distance, it was his time to recieve his very first Pokémon but he was not sure of the Pokémon that he would be provided from Prof. Birch.​

He groaned a little then attempted to drag himself out of bed, stumbling on the floor then dragging himself up as he did so. He began to shuffle his pants up his body which were lay on his bedside table, with his backpack already packed.​

He got dressed and grabbed his backpack, then rushed over into the town square where he could recieve his first Pokémon. A large white building stood in the distance, a rather plump man with a beard and brown hair in shorts and a white lab coat waved in the distance. ​

Kozoi approached him, rubbing his eyes as he did so. "Hello, i am Prof. Birch" said the man who was holding a backpack on his side.​

Kozoi said, "Okay. Could i... go inside to see the Pokémon please?" in a timid voice, hoping to make a good impression on Prof. Birch.​

"Yes, come inside and i will show you the Pokémon that you may choose from." said Prof. Birch before beckoning Kozoi inside of his lab.​

Inside of the lab there was a few bookcases, and a table with two chairs and a computer atop of it. Light came in through a large window which was on the roof of the building, the room was fairly simple. White paint, and a simple wooden flooring which was lit up by the morning sun.​

Kozoi approached the table and chairs with Prof. Birch, and said, "May i see the Pokémon, please."​

Prof. Birch looked at him and pointed to a small corridor which led to a room. Inside of the room we're two Pokémon which resembled a gecko and a small chick.​

Kozoi looked at the Pokémon then looked back, "Werent there three Pokémon?" said Kozoi as he looked over to Prof. Birch.​

"Yes, that Pokémon is Treecko and the little Pokémon here is Torchic." said Prof. Birch as he pointed to the two Pokémon before pulling out a red box which he handed to Kozoi.​

Kozoi opened the red book which said, 'Pokédex - the Pokémon encyclopedia." He was intriuged by this but he felt something brush against his leg as he was holding the Pokédex in the palm of his left hand.​

"Mud-- Kip" said the Pokémon that brushed against his leg before he looked down at it. It looked adorable to Kozoi and his Pokédex began to talk. "Mudkip, the mud fish Pokémon. This Pokémon senses the surroundings around it with the head fin atop its head." said his Pokédex before he closed it.​

Kozoi yelled over to Prof. Birch, "I'll take this one please!" He picked up the Mudkip and began to hug it against his chest, Mudkip didn't look impressed as he did this. He spewed out a water gun which sprayed in Kozoi's face as he let go and it jumped out of his arms.​

Prof. Birch said, "This Mudkip has a very strange personality, i have only recieved it and i havent had much time to train it yet. But thats all ive got to say about this Mudkip, more importantly please take these, your Pokéballs."​

Kozoi replied, "Oh, okay." before he was handed his Pokéballs from Prof. Birch. He began to shake the water off his jacket which Mudkip had sprayed in his face. Mudkip looked upto him and chuckled a little while uttering his name.​

Kozoi pulled out his Pokéball and said, "Mudkip return". Mudkip returned in a beam of scarlet red light, into the Pokéball.​

"Well... good luck on your journeys." said Prof. Birch while he ruffled his beard. Kozoi walked out, waving bye to Prof. Birch as he left to begin his Pokémon Journeys.​

Notes​

I like constructive critism, please give it as much as possible and i will try to note it. Luckily im trying to host a fanfiction which isnt one of those "OMG I HAS PIKACHU ROFL!111" scenes, if i would bother to get a Pikachu i wouldnt parade him around like most the people are.​

Also, i herd u liek mudkipz.​

Sorry, couldnt resist. ^_^​

 

[Acrutheo]

"Hello, i am Prof. Birch"

Should be "Hello, I am Prof. Birch". You make this mistake a couple of sentences later, as well. I also think it would look tidier if you used "Professor" rather than "Prof."

"Werent there three Pokémon?"

Should be "Weren't there three Pokémon?"

intriuged

Should be "intrigued".

atop its head."

Should be "atop its head,' "

ive

Should be "I've".

One major thing that strikes me is your lack of description about the character, and Professor Birch. Even though we know what Professor Birch looks like, you have to write your story as if we don't. However, I now have no idea what Kozoi looks like. This is a problem.

Another problem with this chapter is that it doesn't captivate me. You've chosen to do an OT fic, which is fine, but you need to show me something different. Now, it could be excellent imagery, it could be the use of humour, or it could be a cliffhanger at the end. Either way, in your opening chapter, you need to make it quite clear that your fic is different from all the other OT fics.

 

[Astinus]

Bored bored bored.

First of, what's up with the color tags? o_O Why is half the story in dark slate gray and the rest in black?

I'm also not a fan of the "Pokemon Team" part before the chapter. It takes away from the surprise of which Pokemon is going to be taken, because the readers are told outside of the story what the outcome is. So we don't wonder about this supposedly big choice. We just know.

A ten year old is ready to recieve his very first Pokémon from Prof. Birch, a great Pokémon researcher of the Hoenn Region.

"receive"

This reads rather...dryly. You can easily insert this information into the story. Like saying "Kozoi, at ten years old, was ready for his first Pokemon" and so on.

Kozoi woke up to Tailow chirping from a nearby tree as the morning sun shined in the distance, it was his time to recieve his very first Pokémon but he was not sure of the Pokémon that he would be provided from Prof. Birch.

Another problem with your opening paragraph, compared with this one? A difference of tenses. Your first paragraph was in present tense (is, has) and this one is in past tense (woke, was). You want to remain constant with your tenses.

This is also a run-on sentence. The part that I put in bold is where you can split this sentence into two. You should read your story out-loud to catch these sort of things, along with any other mistakes.

I would also suggest running your story through a spell-checker, because you keep misspelling words, like "receive".

He began to shuffle his pants up his body which were lay on his bedside table, with his backpack already packed.

"Lay" should be "laying", I believe. But the way this sentence is situated, it makes it seem like his body was on the bedside table. o_O

Plus, you also say that he gets dressed in the next paragraph. Why do his pants get special mention?

A large white building stood in the distance, a rather plump man with a beard and brown hair in shorts and a white lab coat waved in the distance.

Another run-on.

And this makes it seem like Birch's brown hair is wearing shorts. XD

"Hello, i am Prof. Birch" said the man who was holding a backpack on his side.

The pronoun "I" is always capitalized.

You are also missing the comma before the closing quotation marks.

Kozoi said, "Okay. Could i... go inside to see the Pokémon please?" in a timid voice, hoping to make a good impression on Prof. Birch.

I'm not really liking this "insert dialog in a sentence" bit here. You could easily have said "Kozoi said in a timid voice" and have it work.

"Yes, come inside and i will show you the Pokémon that you may choose from." said Prof. Birch before beckoning Kozoi inside of his lab.

Read DP479's grammar guide to learn how to punctuate dialog correctly. Because the full stop after "from" should be a comma.

Light came in through a large window which was on the roof of the building, the room was fairly simple. White paint, and a simple wooden flooring which was lit up by the morning sun.

First sentence is a run-on. Second sentence is an incomplete sentence. "The walls were covered in white paint, and the simple wooden floor was lit up by the morning sun."

Kozoi approached the table and chairs with Prof. Birch, and said, "May i see the Pokémon, please."

Since Kozoi is asking to see the Pokemon, it would be better to end this dialog in a question mark.

Inside of the room we're two Pokémon which resembled a gecko and a small chick.

"We're" is the contraction of "We are". You want "were".

Kozoi looked at the Pokémon then looked back, "Werent there three Pokémon?" said Kozoi as he looked over to Prof. Birch.

Now you want a contraction: "weren't".

He was intriuged by this but he felt something brush against his leg as he was holding the Pokédex in the palm of his left hand.

"intrigued"

"Mud-- Kip" said the Pokémon that brushed against his leg before he looked down at it.

Since Mudkip brushed up against Kozoi's leg before he looked down at it, you need "had" before "brushed".

He picked up the Mudkip and began to hug it against his chest, Mudkip didn't look impressed as he did this.

Another run-on sentence.

He spewed out a water gun which sprayed in Kozoi's face as he let go and it jumped out of his arms.

If you're going to capitalize the Pokemon names when used as common nouns, you should also do so for the attacks, like "Water Gun".

Prof. Birch said, "This Mudkip has a very strange personality, i have only recieved it and i havent had much time to train it yet. But thats all ive got to say about this Mudkip, more importantly please take these, your Pokéballs."

Looking at this paragraph here, I can say that you need to proof-read, and perhaps get a beta reader. Spelling errors, missing contractions, run-on sentences...

Kozoi replied, "Oh, okay." before he was handed his Pokéballs from Prof. Birch.

Another instance of dialog in a sentence. If you're going to do this, then you don't have a closing punctuation mark in the dialog. Take the full stop out after "okay".

Mudkip looked upto him and chuckled a little while uttering his name.

"Up to" is two words. And "to" should be "at" to have it make sense.

Kozoi pulled out his Pokéball and said, "Mudkip return".

Why do you punctuate this the British English way? o_O You didn't before.

Kozoi walked out, waving bye to Prof. Birch as he left to begin his Pokémon Journeys.

"Journeys" shouldn't really be capitalized.

In summary, I'm going to agree with Acrutheo. This really doesn't sound different from any other basic OT fic first chapter. The ten-year-old kid wakes up in his hometown, gets their first Pokemon from their professor, and off they go. While it's fine to go this route with your character, you should add some spice into the chapter. Like Acrutheo said, either some great imagery, some humor, a different cliff-hanger. Something to catch your reader, especially in a fandom where this type of fic is very common.

And yes, I do suggest that you proof-read your chapter before posting to catch mistakes, and perhaps get a beta read from the Beta Finder thread in the Writer's Lounge to help you out.