[Pokémon] Pokemon: Hope and Luck

Zeroblivion

Brotherhood
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    Hello! This is my first Pokemon Thread and, I would like to share it.
    The cast:

    Zero ♂
    Class: Pokemon Trainer
    Pokemon: Jolteon (main and doesn't have a Pokeball of him like Pikachu)
    Bio: Zero is a 15 year old boy and a good Pokemon Trainer. He has his own Pokemon, Jolteon, which is loyal to him.
    When he was a child, he found a wild Eevee, weak and tired. He keeps it home, and he said to his Mom to keep Eevee and wishes to be a young Trainer. His Mom said it's ok, but she said she wants Zero to find someone special to train him. He prefer his uncle, Prof. Sauro, who will teach him good. Then he becamed a great Pokemon Trainer, and decided to have an Adventure, so he did and now..

    Prof. Sauro ♂
    Class: Pokemon Professor
    Pokemon: Persian
    Bio: Zero's uncle, and teached Zero. Persian is his helper.
    When he was younger, Sauro was a Pokemon Master and his partner, Meowth, who later evolved into Persian, had lucky that days. Sauro wishes to be a Pokemon Professor, so he did. He still teaches his students, until then.

    Alice ♀ (named after a Pokemon Character)
    Class: Pokemon Trainer
    Pokemon: Glaceon
    Bio: Alice is Zero's 14 year old best friend and she is kind and honest. She also has her own Pokemon, Glaceon, who is friends with Jolteon, and she helps Zero on their adventure.
    When she was young, she met Zero in a school and decided to be friends. She and Zero played together, and as they growed up, they got close together. She becamed best friends with Zero, and loves to join with him. So she did.

    Mrs. Lory ♀
    Pokemon: Glameow
    Bio: Zero's mother, who is very kind, loving and caring. Her husband, Zero's father died, so she is now a widow. She still cares for Zero as his beloved mother.
    Mrs. Lory is Zero's beloved mother and cares for Zero and also her husband. Her husband died, so they live alone in their home. Now Zero wants to have a Journey and he keeps asking her mother. Her mother said "Yes", and she was proud of Zero.

    The story begins..

    Zero and Jolteon is sleeping in their room. Then they wake up, ready for adventure.

    "Let's eat breakfast!" Mrs. Lory said.

    "Jol-teeon!" Jolteon shouted.

    "Ok, mom." Zero said.

    Zero was finished eating breakfast. He rides on his bike to Alice's house.

    "Alice..?" Zero said.

    "Oh, hi Zero! Uh..wait." Alice goes upstairs looking for her hat.

    "Ok, I'm ready." Alice said.

    Both of them ride on their bike. Then their journey begins..

    Part 2 coming soon XD
     
    Last edited:
    For some advice, I'm going to suggest not posting character introductions before the story like you did here. The information that you have in that part could easily be told in the story through the narration.

    Speaking of narration (what the characters do, how they do it, the setting--it's pretty much the story), you'll need more in it. To start off with, where does the story take place? Who is Zero? Who is his Jolteon? How did the two meet? What adventure are they going on and why? Who is Alice? How did she and Zero meet? Why are they traveling together?

    If you take a look at any of the fanfiction posted here, you'll get a better idea of what I'm talking about.

    Working on adding this will help improve your story and gain readers. They'll be able to see what you see your characters doing/feeling.
     
    Ok Sir. I'm doing and/or working on it now.
     
    Part 2: A Mystery Pokemon Appears!
    New Pokemon might be in here..

    So Zero, Alice and their Pokemon go away from their home, traveling to some forest, where they will capture new Pokemon for their journey..

    Zero: Hey Alice, look at that Pokemon, It's really cute!
     Alice: Lemme check..

    Bunwee, the Bunny Pokemon. It's fur is very soft and can easily hide in snow. When it's angry, It throws an Ice from it's opponent.

     Alice: So that's a Bunwee, huh? Let's catch it..

    Alice throws the Pokeball to the Pokemon. The Pokeball bounched from it's head, starting to attack Alice.

     Alice: Glaceon, use Ice Shard!
    Glaceon: Glaaceeon!

    Alice throws the Pokeball again to the weakened Pokemon. The Pokeball is glowing..and It is finally captured. Alice got a wild Bunwee.

     Alice: Yes! I've got a Bunwee!
     Zero: Haha, your lucky..
     Jolteon: Jolteon?

    Water around the world rises, then a Legendary Pokemon appeared in the sky, vanishing quickly.

     Zero: That was a Legendary Pokemon...
     Alice: What's it's name..?
     Zero: I don't know..

    To be continued..
     
    Last edited:
    Just popping in to suggest not using coloured text as it is rather hard to read on certain skins. Case in point, here's a screenshot for how it looks to me!
    Spoiler:

    Without highlighting it's nigh impossible to be able to read it without hurting my eyes or aquiring super-vision, so I recommend sticking to the default - if your reader has to make extra effort to read one fic whenre's there's others that do not require highlighting and so forth, they're more likely to go with the latter.

    As Astinus pointed out earlier too, I feel you could still add more to the narration. For instance:
    Alice: Yes! I've got a Bunwee!
    Zero: Haha, your lucky..
    Jolteon: Jolteon
    Click to expand...
    I am guessing that Alice is excited and Zero...may be a bit jealous while Jolteon is confused, but that's the best I can make from guesswork from what is there. Adding in some more script directions such as Alice jumping for joy, mentioning how Zero speaks and maybe mentioning that Jolteon turned his head curiously at whatever he is talking about would help make it clear what is exactly happening, for as it is it seems too vague for me.

    That and all the things Astinus pointed out is still unclear - we do not know much about the setting (besides that it is a forest), what the legendary pokemon looked like, the character's personalities... I suggest editing before adding new chapters to establish those points already mentioned.
     
    For some more advice, I saw that you're using Fanmade Pokemon in your story. Since you're writing about Pokemon that no one except for you know, it's up to you to describe them well enough that the readers can see them.

    Seconding the advice to avoid using colors. I didn't see it at first because of my settings, but now I can see that it's impossible for me to see what you wrote. White text on white skin equals not seen.

    Don't forget to also describe the battles between Pokemon. That can be the most exciting part of the scene, and you don't want to brush over it by not mentioning it at all. Imagine how the Pokemon move when they use their attacks, how the opponent will dodge, how the Pokemon move when they're not attacking.

    Try reworking these past two chapters with this advice in mind before continuing the story. That way, you can get the practice in without getting so far in advance.
     
    I'll do everything! And I've edited the Part 2 now..
    Part 3 will come on May 25..
     
    Sorry, the part 3 took a very bit late, but here we go.

    Part 3: Exploring New Pokemon
    Zero: More Bunwees and some Rushous.
    Alice: Why don't you catch one?
    Zero: Sure, I'll catch one!

    Rushouses and one Rusharou are looking at Zero. One Rushous attacked him and Jolteon hit it with ThunderShock. Zero tries to catch the Rushous.
    Zero: Go PokeBall!
    ...*glow*...*glow*....Ding!
    Zero: I've got a Rushous!..
    Alice: That's great!
    The Rushouses ran away and the Rusharou followed them.
    More Pokemon came out. They were Bunwee, Rushouses, Durmoses, and more Pokemon they will find soon.
    Zero: So many Pokemon... Hope we find rare ones.
    Alice: Okay, let's keep going!

    Part 4 will come soon..
     
    Ummm... Ok, So much time, so I think I'm obligated to put things slightly more bluntly.

    You started off with dialogue, and then you switched to script for what the characters say. Should not happen. It is also clear that you either can't seem to put effort in this or you haven't read much fan-fiction. If you had read, you'd know that every time a fic is updated with a chapter, that chapter will be a long and significant addition just like any fiction book.

    So for starters, read other fanfics and take them as examples of what your works should basically look like, and make sure you have the plot and conflict out in the Plot Bunny thread because this is looking like a typical Trainer Fic.

    Also, I'm using a black theme and your second part is invisible to me because you have the text set to black. Always make sure the text has no color at all. If you have WYSIWYG on, turn it off and remove the color tags.

    Also you did not follow what you were told about fanmade Pokemon. You MUST describe them. As I said, read other fics and books and get familiar with how to tell a story. When you were young, you read the letters to know what they looked like before you wrote them. Same thing with fiction writing. I also strongly recommend using the Beta reader thread before continuing.
     
    You still not following the advice given to you.

    For example, with the narration. The last chapter ends with the characters seeing a Legendary Pokemon. The next chapter begins with them catching new Pokemon. Did the characters change locations? Did the new Pokemon suddenly appear? You need to tell what happens between scenes so the reader doesn't get confused. Otherwise, it's like you're jumping around from one point to the other without telling how they get there.

    Narration is also where you stick in the descriptions for the fake Pokemon. We don't know what they look like, and when you mention them in the story, readers don't know what to imagine them looking like. What does a Durmoses look like? How does it move in battle? Same with the other fake Pokemon.

    On looking at your second chapter and your third one, your second one is better than the third one. You didn't just go "*glow*...*glow*...DING!" when Alice tried to capture a Pokemon. You used actual narration, saying that the Pokeball glowed.

    Take the time to read through our advice and understand it. Ask questions if you need clarification about what we're talking about. Ask around for a beta reader. Read other fanfics posted here. We're telling you this to help you improve your writing.
     
    I will follow all of it then...I'm working on the fourth part. I will post it very soon.
     
    There will be a few fan Pokemon in the Region called "Goruin Region". Some Pokemon from other Region will be somewhere in the Goruin Region because there's a forest connected to other Regions.
    The part 4 will be here very soon, I am working extremly hard on it. P.S. There will be more narration as well..
     
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