Pokemon Legend of Fire. Rated G/PG

[Lollypop]

I'm Elite Salamance09, I've made multiple fan fics but they were all closed.
I'm a bit nervous since I'm only 10 and I might get the punctuation wrong.
Here comes Pokemon Legend of Fire.


Chapter 1: Getting ready for the real journey. (There are two sides to this chapter.) Max's side.

It is a warm December where it's time for the students who go to Pokeacademy to graduate. Everybody was at the ceremony, except for Max.
Max was still at home, in bed where he is still dreaming about when he would become a pokemon master in the region of the blue archipelago.
After a long time, Max finally got up and finds that he oversleeps and that the ceremony was over and everybody except for him, already
obtained a fire type pokemon from professor Volt. After Max realizes what he has done he immediatly jumps out of bed and rushes out of the door as fast as a Jolteon. When he gets there he finds out that he has totally overdone it.......

"Oh no! Proffesser Volt and the others have already left this place. I have to go to his lab quickly!" Decides Max as he runs to professor Volt's flame
infested pokemon lab for a pokemon and a pokemon trainers essential pack. " Hello. Anybody home? I guess I'll just have to sneak in and take a pokemon hehe. Huh a note......" Says Max quietly as he reads the note.

Dear Max:

I know you are here right now reading this note, and I also know that you are going to take a pokemon and a pokemon trainers essential pack without my permission. Beside this note is a pokeball containing a mudkip and a pokemon trainers essential pack.
Yes, I know what are you thinking right now, why mudkip. I gave you a mudkip as a punishment from being late and trying to steal.

Yours sincerely
Professer Volt.

" Grrr. Why Mudkip? I wanted a torchic. No fair. This way my friends can beat me. (Note: Max dosen't pay attention in class.)

Chapter 1 part 2: Getting ready for the real Journey. Joe's Side.
It is a warm December in the Blue Archipelagos, everybody who learns at Pokeacademy is at the graduation ceremony where students get a pokemon and a pokemon trainers essential pack from Professor Volt. Everyone is at the ceremony, except for Max. Everybody including Joe
is at the ceremony waiting for a pokemon and a essential pack. Joe appears to be first in line so he grabs a torchic from professor Volt and
a essential pack. What adventures await him?












Look Lash, I'm only 10!!!!!!!!!

 

[Lash]

I'm Elite Salamance09, I've made multiple fan fics but they were all closed.

And this one will be too, it is hella short.

I would go through the trouble of multi-quoting, and telling you your mistakes the long way, but I would much rather say it like this:

Can this even be considered fanfiction? Seriously, there is no description whatsoever. The introduction paragraph was bad. When creating fanfiction, create a friggin' image in the readers head, don't just slap on some text into a description-lacking paragraph. This is lacking all the good concepts of fanfiction, and quite obviously rushed. You pressed the enter button, meaning you know not to do a wall of text, but you still pressed it during sentences when you didn't need to. And, lets not forget about the spelling errors! I would read this through all the way, but my eyes are already bleeding, but some of the errors are easy to see from the unneeded giant, bolded text. That is a no no when attempting fanfiction.

My advice to you: Improve on your writing skills, big time. Read some of the better fics on the board, and compare them to this, or anything you have attempted in the past. And, the advice that was given to me at one point in time, don't give up.

 

[Sydian]

Look Lash, I'm only 10!!!!!!!!!

Being ten doesn't matter. Ever took the writing assesment? I know I did. And how old was I? Ten. What did I make? If you don't know what it is, it's a I-IV rating, IV being the highest. I got a IV. That's proof that a ten year old can write and have decent description. Now, I know that people have different strengths and weaknesses, but even still, you should've had description in this story. Lash was only giving you constructive criticism. And because he did so well with that, despite what you think, I'm done with my review. But first...

The Grammar Sticky
The OT Fic Guide
The Moderator, in Case You Feel Like Telling on Us for Trying to Help You

-Silver

 

[EricDaRed]

Well, I agree that your story needs work but I'm not gonna bash you over the head about it. The other reviewers covered what needs improving, so there is no need for me to rehash it.

I will complement you on one thing, it was good for you to throw in a bit of character development when you noted that Max thinks water pokemon are weak to fire. The wording was awkward, though.

This may have sounded a bit better:

"Mudkip!? I wanted a Torchic! Now everyone with a Torchic is going to be able to beat me!" Max stomped his foot in anger, not realizing that that he actually had the advantage. As was typical for the lazy boy, he had slept through the class on pokemon types and their weaknesses.

Notice how I put the note about not paying attention into the description instead of placing it in ( )'s. Using ( )'s is often awkward because they break up the flow of the story.

Also, your second part about Joe was unnecessary. All you had to do was include a note about Joe in the early paragraph about the ceremony where Max was missing. Something like this:

"Everybody was at the ceremony, except for Max. He was still at home in bed and was dreaming about becoming a pokemon master in the blue archipelago region. One of Max's classmates, a sandy-blonde haired boy named Joe, noticed his absence as he accepted a Torchic from Professor Volt. The thought of his missing classmate passed away quickly, though, as Joe began to imagine what great adventures lie ahead of him and his new pokemon."

 

[Astinus]

Look Lash, I'm only 10!!!!!!!!!

Age is not an excuse to stop learning. When I was ten, my writing was horrible. But I learned how to write better by listening to people, rather than sticking my fingers in my ears and going "But I iz ten!!!!!!!!"

You're ten. You can learn how to get better at writing. But you've got to listen to the reviews given to you.

It is a warm December where it's time for the students who go to Pokeacademy to graduate. Everybody was at the ceremony, except for Max.

Stay in the same verb tense. Past is better to write in for beginning writers to write in because it's not as tricky, so change the "is" to "was" and "it's" to "it was".

Max was still at home, in bed where he is still dreaming about when he would become a pokemon master in the region of the blue archipelago.

Capitalize "Blue Archipelago" since it's the proper name for the location.

*headdesk* What the? Max oversleeps his graduation? He didn't set an alarm? He didn't know that the day was coming? I know you want to have Max be a lazy child, but this is just pathetic. Not even his parents care enough to wake him up? It's an important day to Max, and he doesn't care.

After a long time, Max finally got up and finds that he overslept and that the ceremony was over. Everybody except for him had already
obtained a fire type pokemon from Professor Volt.

Grammar mistakes fixed in bold.

Now may I ask why there are only Torchic handed out to starting trainers? They are in an archipelago, surrounded by water. This means that there's probably going to be a lot of Water Pokemon around, both trained and wild. Why would the trainers all get Torchic, which are weak to Water-types? It makes no sense at all.

When he gets there he finds out that he has totally overdone it...

An ellipses is only three dots.

You could take this time to describe more of Volt's lab. Max finds it empty, but how does it look? Each professor's lab is different, and it would say a lot about Volt's practices if you describe the lab. Like how is it Fire Pokemon-infested? Are there pictures everywhere of the type? A random Pokemon running around?

Max ran to Professor Volt's flame
infested pokemon lab for a pokemon and a pokemon trainers essential pack.

You say "flame-infested", but that would mean that the lab is on fire. o_O;

Huh a note..." said Max quietly as he read the note.

Please make sure to watch your tenses. It's difficult to write a third-person story in present tense. For now, use past tense.

Where did he find the note? How does Max feel as he sees the note?

I know you are here right now reading this note, and I also know that you are going to take a pokemon and a pokemon trainers essential pack without my permission.

Wow, that is harsh. I wouldn't imagine that a professor would have to be objective toward the students. Even if Volt doesn't like Max, it wouldn't be good to say that to him in a note. It does not make Volt look like a good professor.

I gave you a mudkip as a punishment from being late and trying to steal.

*facepalm* Yes, let me punish you by giving you a Pokemon with an advantage in the environment. Mudkip would be great to have in the islands, since it would be comfortable near the water.

I'm also wondering where Blue Archipelago is. There's an abundance of Torchic running around that they can be given out to perhaps thirty trainers. And they have the Hoenn starters.

(Note: Max dosen't pay attention in class.)

Do not put author notes in the middle of your story. It is not professional and not good writing.

And Joe's side of the story is completely pointless. Nothing was added to the story and he's not even made out to be an interesting character. He doesn't have a different Pokemon, isn't given any characterization. Max is actually the more interesting character to read about (even though some parts of his story doesn't make sense) because he's just a more interesting character. He gets treated badly by Volt, gets a different Pokemon, and is rather ignorant of Pokemon training. Write about him more.

Learn grammar. Read fics and books to learn more about writing. Ask your teachers for help. (Honestly, at your age, your teachers will help you write because it makes them happy. Teachers are weird.) And listen to the constructive criticism that people give you.