[Pokémon] Pokemon Mystery Dungeon- Z

[Raichulover123]

Chapter 1- The Beginning
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We distrusted humans..... we distrusted them completely.....

If you didn't know, I'm Eclispe and I'm a weird golden Charmander (the humans call us "shinies"), and I live in an rock den, far away.... but that wouldn't be for long.....

Soon..... our leader Zygarde would be missing..... and I, and 3 other chosen ines would try to find him....

This is our story.... our destiny.... our adventure.

 

[Rediamond]

Hi. So there's not a lot I can say here, since there isn't much here, but I can comment on that. While a preview-prologue might seem nice in theory-you get readers without having to do much writing at all!-it makes it hard for readers to fork an impression, meaning they might not be likely to come back.

 

[Bay]

Soon..... our leader Zygarde would be missing..... and I, and 3 other chosen ines would try to find him....

"Ones" I think you meant?

Hi! While you have a very interesting hook and there have been cases in published works where first chapters are very short, I have to agree with Rediamond that it's pretty bare bones right now. The first chapter is an opportunity for you to give readers a good idea of the characters, tone, and the world and so far I have no idea of either of those. For instance, the next part can be a scene of Charmander dealing another Pokemon (or human) making fun of their shininess.

So yeah, I highly recommend expanding the first chapter so the readers and I have a better idea of the story. Hope this isn't too harsh!