Pokemon Quartz

[MichaelDj54]

Ahhh, Pokemon Quartz. The very first Pokemon Rom hack that has graced my PC. Forgotten long by time and...TVtropes. Digging around my hard drive allowed me to discover it and play it for the first time since it's downloading.

Now come with me folks, as I play the good old...Pokemon Quartz.

Spoiler:

Lies! Horrible, horrible lies!

So...a pig worked on this? Didn't know they were that smart.

"Drugs are bad, mm'kay. When you smoke drugs, you see a purple cat riding a turket. Drugs are bad."

....Da ****? It looks like if Kyogre grew wings...and was badly animated.

OH GOD IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR ME GET IT AWAY GET IT AWAY

Okay...I think it's gone...it's-

OH GOD THERE'S ANOTHER ONE WHAT HORRIBLE HELLISH LAND IS THIS?

EGG POWER GOOOOOOO

I can now say that at some point in my life I DID see an Egg spew fire and water. Ripleys' believe it or not, eat your heart out.

And then the universe exploded from over WTF-ness.

...Uh...That even SAY anything?

So then we move to the opening and then...

....Tim Buckley?! Oh god!

...Mmkay, if you...say so I guess.

Oh, how very generic.

That's a damn lie and you know it! I knew there was something weird in my drink...

Isn't Corna a brand of beer?

SO cool in fact you don't need to use punctation when discussing it!

I would be more inclined to believe you if it weren't for the fact every kid and their god damn grandmother threw their Pokemon at me in cold blood the second I walk into their line of sight.

Add in two more and you can summon Captain Planet. Fact.

Mmm, tasty tasty Spanglish.

(PICTURE MISSING)

Oh don't ALL of you professors?

....Where did he go? :paranoid:

(Sorry to say folks, but I all ready picked my Gender and Name. I'm sorry, I'll be sure to have the audience be more participated in future installments. :D)

(God I'm so witty. :D)

Or we could be out of gas, or we popped a tire, or we're hopelessly, hopelessly lost. Optmism dies with me old man!

Okay, the disappearing act is getting old man. :paranoid:

Oh god sudden voice from the darkness D:

Fix your gammar and I shall consider it!

Then don't tell me to look in your lab if you're not going to be in! >:(

(PICTURE MISSING, HE SAYS: I'm hearing)

Oh god, I think h'es Tommy Wisaeu too...

Awesome-sauce.

Suddenly I'm in the back of a moving van with a strange person behind me...Oh god. What happened?!

"Now that my horrible, horrible deeds are done, I have no use for you. Begone!"

Redundant statement is, indeed, redundant.

At last indeed!

Let me finish my damn sentence first, woman...

The beginning of many a nightmare, I'm sure...

 

[MichaelDj54]

UPDATE #2

Spoiler:

In a sense, boring.

Thankfully my mom can't speak fluent breeze, I personally think the breeze is saying "RUN RUN YOU FOOL RUN"

What's the point? I'm going to be leaving the second I get my pokemon, I'm sure.

Well as long as I don't have to do any work.

I'm welcome to my OWN home? Thanks mom, you're the best.

...Well the fourth wall didn't last, now did it?

...The hell is a Kinboxos?

Mom, seriously, what's a Kinboxos?

Stop avoiding my questions god dammit!

So let's see if these workers have anything interesting to say...

Sigh.

I can't really say this is my room, there needs to be more pizza boxes and soda cans scattered about. Then it would START to look like my room.

Zapping!? Hell yeah!

Jersey Shore, Suite Life of Zack and Cody, Hannah Montana...

Random porn!?

Random grunt then? Is my TV alive...?

I'll eat my shades if I have to watch one more second of Jersey Shore.

"Huh, that's weird. Why did someone add video game instructions to my Journal?

....I can't read MY OWN JOURNAL...Because it's too PERSONAL to read?

Like freakin' clockwork. Speaking of clocks...

I don't think so either, surely there's another C in there.

HELL YEAH EXTREME TIME ADJUSTING SO HARD CORE

Why mom, I didn't think you were one for pirating TV Channels!

By cheap we mean free. Mom's got a wild streak I never knew she had.

FACT: All Pokemon trainers are Basement dwellers.

Well I guess now is the time to walk around the town, see the people, meet the Poke-

Son of a *****.

Are you setting me up for a joke mom? Because that's too easy.

We're discussing this as if this isn't the first time he's gotten into trouble. What wacky hijinx could there be now?!

SO MUCH ACTION! EXPLOSIONS! GUNSHOTS! A ROUGE COP WHO DOESN'T PLAY BY THE RULES.

"That's right, keep recording as his face is torn off my rabid Pokemon! Pulizter prize, here I come!"

Yep, looks like he can, so I'll just-

Yeah well-

What?!

Don't suggest me for things that may be life threatening! You're a terrible mother! Don't we have police for this sort of thing?!

...Fine, but I won't be happy about it! TO THE KABUCHYS!

Well sure looks like the place...

So I'll just walk in and-

GAH! Oh, well, I'm-

How did you know my name?! Do I just LOOK like a Michael? Or have you been STALKING me?

...Well that's a wee bit random.

Well technically the trouble is on HIM. But...

I'm sure she can stop in between the villages, Blue, Shatrouse and Indigo to catch a break.

Obviously the Black Sheep of the Jenny Lineage.

You're just further enforcing my theory of Pokemon Trainer Bottom dwellers!

Ah yes, I remember back in the day when I would monolouge my Journal Entries.

Hey you're no looker yourself lady!

Do I just look like a Michael?! How are you people guessing this?!

And I raaaaaaaaaaaaan, I ran so far awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay....prepare to become the butt of many a joke, lady.

1. What's a beetroot? 2. Where is the mysterious voice coming from? I didn't say a damn thing!

Yes yes, scurry along so I can just kick back and relax.

And I can go slow with my "Not caring".

Yeah, what the voice said, say huh?

You should probably see someone about that, saying your thoughts can't be...sane.

...What the hell just happened? I feel awkward and...molested...

I'm sure it's nothing. Well, time to leave the town I suppose and see what kind of adventures I-

...Good for him?

Not be useless?

Is everyone in this damn town useless?! ARGH!

Fine! Since no one else is willing to take the thumb out of their asses I'll go do something!

*plays Yakety Sax*

Especially since no one else could be assed to help you I suppose.

God, fine, I guess since I have no choice...

STARTER POKEMON TRAINER TIME!

Will it be...

OR

OR

...

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[Mirby]

Hmm... well since Yuoaman chose grass egg, you should totally go for fire or water egg.

 

[Teh Baro]

Get the one that looks like an egg

Spoiler:

the fire one

 

[MichaelDj54]

Well I have to say, I'm having a lot more fun with this than I figured I would! I think I found my Let's Play Niche.
UPDATE 3

Spoiler:

You wanted it, you can't UNWANT it! Firegg it is!

That's what you're afraid of? An upside down lint ball mixed with a mouse?

Well there's no need to fear, not when FIREGG IS WILLING TO BEAT SOME HEADS IN WITH HIS…Fire and…egg…ness….KILL IT!

Well that was easy. And you couldn't just…kick it away from you? Or…something?

I don't understand Spanish!

I don't appreciate being languaged at old man!

I all ready don't know what it means dammit!

Oh yes, we musn't have the rat thing that I defeated with a couple of tackles make note of our location, we may never return to see our families

It's small, it's weird, it's apparently infested by rodents, I have a family living next to me that may be stalking me, the daughter is insane, I think you molested me and my mom is a neglectful thief.

Basically, it's peaceful IF YOU NEVER LEAVE.

You think I make an excellent team by making a creature attack another one until they were unconscious, if not near-death? By that logic, Michael Vick is the single greatest team player in the world.

You silly liar.

Ha ha ha, no.

Hell yeah, Skillet.

You and about five others, buddy.

Are you sure? It's actually really easy. All you have to do is grab a bunch of Pokeballs and-

You lazy bastard!

"Oh, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you, a young boy, to journey off into the world of dangerous monsters in order for me to do my research! Why can't I do it? Well, um, well…LOOK! A DISTRACTION!"

Oh but WHY. She's insane!

Okay, just ignore the fact I bravely used an Egg to beat it's brains out and save your ass, you ungrateful little…

Common fact that the Officers in Pokemon are ABSOLUTELY useless. That's why we have to depend our lives on 10 year olds that happen to be passing by.

THEN IT'S TIME TO ADVENTURE! What strange lands shall we encounter along the-

OH GOD EVIL SQUIRREL KILL IT WITH FIRE or an egg.

Nobody messes with Skillet and lives.

Sever: Truly the dangerous of ALL Pokemon.

You horrible person, you abuse your Pokemon don't you?!

You sick bastard.

Another one?! Jesus Christ…well, time to join your other friends in SQURRIEL HELL!

Oh you little rat bastard.

Skillet cares not for your Berry abusing ********.

Crickey! A sever! Truly the most DANGEROUS Pokemon in the region! Whatever shall I do!?

(PICTURE MISSING, ONE INTENSE BUTTKICKING)

Skillet cannot be stopped!

For a Pink Town it's very green. Just sayin'.

Huh, didn't think Drug use was such an issue in pokemon.

Well of course, I-

GAH! What are you doing?!

I knew what a Pokemon Center was! Why did you drag me here?! What is wrong with People in this region?! Boundaries people! BOUNDARIES!

2 Words: Full Restore.

One trip to the Pokemon Center later…

My personal picks are Queen and Green Day, but that's just me.

I can sympathize, I rage whenever I heard Justin Beiber is still popular.

Well, nothing up in Pink Town…let's check on the path over yonder.

GAH, FINALLY.

Epic forshadowing at it's greatest.

ONE DEAD SQUIRREL LATER.

Wow, you kinda suck.

!!!!!!!! Argh! WHY are the Sever considered the pain, it's the ****ing Squirrels we need to be concerned about!

Then Skillet Leveled up and…

Which I shall be replacing the second I get a good Attack.

Oh good, there she is.

….My goodness you can be creepy.

I heard everything. EVERYTHING. You sick little monkey.

You're going to show me anyway, regardless of what I say aren't you?

Oh noes, it is a bright blue egg. Well, I suppose it's time for the battle everyone's been waiting for…

BATTLE OF THE EASTER EGGS!

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.

Curse you bright blue easter egg!

Skillet takes no **** from no egg!

And you are…likely going to be my stalker aren't you?

More like force us to do Slave Labor.

Or be very Molest-y.

You're a sick woman.

As long as you stay 20 feet behind me at all times. I don't trust you.

And even then you kinda suck at it.

The internet is a horrifying, horrifying place. Be wary of who enters the Pokebox. It all ready kinda sounds iffy. >>

Invasion of privacy isn't a thing with these people is it?

"Because I can't be arsed to do it myself."

Said the guy who molested me in the back. I still have memories. Memories that shall stick forever.

Damn right.

Don't hit me! D:

Oh.

Well it's kinda hard unless you have a Pokeball, and I don't have a bag to stuff them in.

*Insert obligatory rape joke here*

Okay, kindly getting the hell out of here…

Dammit!

And people doubted the power of eggs! I shall show them all!

Those people obviously never had sentient fire eggs.

I would stay if you would buy me a PS3, and I wasn't being thrust into the world by a professor who can't study one pokemon without getting attacked…but the PS3 is a big factor!

Understatement of the damn CENTURY.

Rebels forever!

Awww….

(I GOT SOME SHOES)

Mom is a compulsive buyer. It's not healthy.

These sound like bad publicity for Nikes.

Fourth wall? WHAT fourth wall?

Dammit mom!

WELL! ONTO ADVENTU-

….

THAT'S IT.

YOUR ASS IS MINE SQUIRREL BOY.

Mwahahahahahaah!

So…it gets nervous when it's not holding nuts?

Hmmm…what to name the ugly little bastard….

 

[MichaelDj54]

Hey all! Back to more Pulsepounding ACTION! More team members and totally pointles grinding scenes that you'll never see because I don't want to subject you to that! INTO THE ACTION!

UPDATE#4

Spoiler:

Well may as well...it all ready LOOKS like it's bleeding something feirce.

Gasp! A Sever! I must capture it! With it's ferociousness, I shall rule over ALL OF CORNA! MWAHAHAHA!

Dammit Sever! How am I supposed to rule over all of Corna if you keep killing off my potential slaves?

But at what cost?!

TAKE 2!

Hooray!

The horror of having to stay perpetually standing on top of your head. Oh god, the migranes...

...Well it IS.

May as well go to Pink town and heal up my new team...

(MISSING: SEVERAL SCREENS OF POINTLESS GRINDING. Trust me, nothing of ANY interest happened. You're not missing anything. Trust me.)

Like I said, all police in the pokemon universe suck. Even in rom hacks.

You can never tame Sever's ferocity. He will wreck your ****.

So Pink town isn't pink and Cloud way isn't cloudy?! Are all towns just made to lie to me?!

I should probably head to the next town and maybe get some Pokemon for that creepy bastard, maybe-

OH! BERRIES!

My attention span is shot and I love it. :D

...Why are we whispering?

"Be vewy vewy quiet. I'm hunting pokemans."

Oh god! Why would you be afraid of scaring THIS off?! I'd want it to get scared! Oh god, it's EYES....

*Shudder* It's with ME now...

Oh wow, this thing is STUPID retarded, eh?

(MISSING. Me naming it Rhinestone. :3)

Awww! Lookit it! it looks like a bowling ball penguin with a cheese crown! I MUST OWN YOU.

Hoorah!

So it's a performance bird, eh? Didn't think the Pokemon world has Drama Club.

Lol. Cheese.

Well...I've got a good enough team all right...let's head into the next town! Adventure...HO!

 

[MichaelDj54]

I have internet! Hooray! Back to the pulse pounding action!

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

Onto new adventure! Hopefully I'll get to the next town without much trou-

...Crap.

Yeah, you realize you're about to lose, right?

I bet he would. >>

Yeah, you're not gonna win many battles with a self bleeding Squirrel. Just saying.

...Wait what.

Avenge Pocketlint, Craft, with your cheesy goodness! I'm sure he's Lactone Intolerant!

Craft is not pleased with your bleeding Bullcrap.

There's a philophy for that, I think...god help me if I can think of it. All I know is you suck, get new Pokemon.

Well maybe if you weren't just standing here stock still and praying for someone to come around...ya lazy ****.

Slaughtering your Pokemon = boring? I shudder to think of what you think is "fun"

You're not gonna win, even if I did go easy on you. Lulz.

Yeah, you're ESPECIALLY not gonna win with a Squirrel. A bleeding squrriel at that. I'll just make it bleed harder. And faster. And dead…er.

NOW I have a Fire Starter! :D Can't have a fire starter unless it shoots Fire out of it. Though with Skillet, I question the ability. Does it conjure up fire? Does it shoot fire from the little eye holes it has? Doesn't it burn its eyes then? It's just an egg, I'm stunned it can move and tackle, let alone conjure fire. Ahhh, Pokemon. Never make sense, please.

Eh…let's let Stigmata handle this one. Main issue is letting one Pokemon outrank the others in my other games. I suppose in the LP I'll give everyone equal chances of TOTAL DESTRUCTION. Besides, Stigmata killing his own kind for my amusement? It's the only way he'll grow to be a seasoned warrior and stop emoing out on me.

Ya don't want me to go hard on you, ya don't want me to go easy on you, get better Pokemon than emo squirrels, woman!

But it's such a nice pond!...Or puddle.

YOU FOOL! I shall BATTLE you for this Pond!

Let the battle of the pond....BEGIN!

FLAWLESS VICTORY

Psh, hell no, this is MY pond now buddy, you can just get the hell out right now. >>

Well, with another victory under my belt and a new pond under my name, just another bit of Corna is added under my tyrannical name! Now, I wonder why they call this place Cloud-

Oh.

Well now that I'm all healed up, let's go take a look around the town, shall we?

"Broke mah hip again!"

…Wait, you're mad because it started RAINING in CLOUDIAN CITY where the town is described as the CLOUDY AND LIGHT RAIN CITY. That's like going to England and getting pissed off when it's cloudy and dreary, or going to America and getting pissed off at seeing McDonalds and Starbucks. It's just common sense!

Cool story, bro.

Hang on, I think your "singing" cracked my glasses.

Because they are awesome and have crowns made of Craft cheese, duh. :3

How very…camp.

Ah, so everyone here in this town is certifiably BATSHIT.

No, I'm just carrying around 5 Pokemon, a Pokedex, Pokeballs, Potions and other Status healing items because it's the new FASHION.

Shouldn't you all ready know if you "have" a pokemon?

Well, I suppose that big building is the gym. Before I go there, I may as well see what else Cloudian City has to offer before I-

Dammit, what now?!

NOOOO, WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IMPLICATION, THE POKEMON I HAVE SURROUNDING ME, THE POKEDEX I HAVE? That's just profiling.

…I WILL, I just kinda wanna check out the rest of the town first-

I know where it is…

It's over my shoulder, I'M LOOKING AT IT RIGHT NOW, I CAN HOP TO IT IN-Hey, what are you, let me go-

SON OF A BI-

I KNOW DAMMIT.

*Sigh* FINE. I guess I'll just go in. Plans = RUINED.

Now who the hell are you.

Well that just killed 45 Brain cells of mine. "Bravey Poisony". That's just….wow.

Koga would like to have a word with you on that "Master" bit.

No, I'm just here to look at your LOVELY Décor…or lack thereof.

GAH! Where did YOU come from?

"Everybody knows that 10 is the age children are allowed to venture into the world and abuse animals to show their strength!"

"Are you? Are you? HUH? HUH?! I thought not."

How the **** do you people know my name?!

I'm not his keeper dammit, why can't you?

No, seriously, I'm on a tight schedule, I don't have time for-

I'M NOT TALKING TO MYSELF YA KNOW.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you get your ass kicked, I'm not frigging helping you.

Did you just call me Chief? Ego…rising…

Or even the ever elusive…GRASS! Be careful, as The Spoonyone even explicitly said that the grass is one of the most formidably enemies in the known world, perhaps even more so than Sever.

Awww, that thing looks so derpy.

He then learned the hard way of the Pokemon world when he accidently threw his Potion, rather than a Pokeball. Head hung in shame; he wandered off, never to be seen again.

Psh, I wish.

Hoorah for you. Now can I please go on about my way?

You don't know my pain. He wouldn't shut up with the Shakespeare references on the way back. Almost shoved the damn thing down his throat. HE WOULDN'T STOP.

"Time for me to leave home and never seen you again, just like how the Pokemon world works!"

Bout damn time, so let's-

What.

…………

I just went out of my way to help your too dumb to live brother catch his own damn Pokemon, against my whim, expecting my first Pokemon battle. Now that THAT little detour is out of the way, you won't let me fight you for a badge because I don't have other badges?! You owe me old man! YOU OWE ME! AAAARGH! I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT FOR NOTHING?! YOU LOUSY SON OF A …

Argh…rawr….calm…calm…I'll come back and just DESTROY HIM Later…

Generally pissed off people.

That made no grammatical sense.

The hell is YOUR problem?

Oh come on, what did I do?! I just asked what was wrong!

Wow, Wingull, your let yourself go. And shrank. And your beak got really big.

However, Craft doesn't take crap from NO ONE.

A what?

….

What.

I mean…Christ, WHAT? I don't know how this one works. It looks like…are both of its EYES on the side of its head?! How does it swim!? And…good lord…words fail me.

Well when you're wandering around the beach bawling your eyes out FOR NO DAMN REASON, you could have fooled ME.

Well, I finally made it, time to get my new Badge-

…Uh…I…I can't move. What?

….WHAT!? So he sent me to a city through the woods I can't even GET through?! Are you freaking kidding me?! That's it! He and everything in Corna has made my official **** list!

That includes you, Squirrel! DIE!

And…what the hell is that?

…Well whatever it is, its part of the group NOW.

….Hmmm. Now what the hell are we gonna call THIS thing?