Pokemon: The Beginnings and Ends

[.Brendan]

This is a story about a young Boy who learns about life and how it can be

Chapter 1
Pokemon: The Beginnings and Ends


Thud!!!

'Ouch' said a voice of an unmistakable young boy
'Jimmy, did you fall down again' Said a slightly more matured voice
'Yeah mum' Replied The boy
'Well get up its time for breakfast' Replied the mum
'Okay' answered the boy.


This is a mystical world called the world of Pokemon. In it you will find some amazing creatures, some big, some small, some powerful, some weak, but everyone in this world knows that the Creatures are the best. Some people take it a step further and train, battle and play with their Pokemon, those people are called Pokemon trainers.

Jimmy is a 14 Year old boy. His father died when he was four so he was brought up by his mum, he had a very special relationship with his mum, but he also love Pokemon Training but that wouldn't stop him from helping his mum ( as they were poor and needed as much help as they could ). His mum owned a Pikachu called Sparkz and when she was younger, she was a Pokemon Contest Champion.


Jimmy got up examining his familiar surroundings, his book shelf on the left, his computer, and television on the right and his bed in the middle. He knew this wasn't going to last long…

'Jimmy, Breakfast' Shouted his mum
'Yes mum' screamed Jimmy
'Yeesh you don't need to wake the whole of Pallet town up' replied his mum.

Jimmy went downstairs and sat down on a quite small table, he was used to this but it wasn't going to be there any more…

'Happy Birthday Jimmy' said mum
'Are you ready Jimmy' Asked his mum

Jimmy didn't reply

'Jimmy' said his mum again
' I heard you mum, its just that, well' replied Jimmy
'Well what?' asked his mum
'Are you sure you won't need help at home' Asked Jimmy
'Positive' Answered his mum

And with that someone burst through the door

'Sorry I'm late' said someone in the doorway
'Jimmy, go see who that is will you?' his mum asked
'Sure' answered Jimmy

Jimmy walked through a winding passageway, through the living room and into the doorway. As soon as he walked into the doorway a massive Grin appeared on Jimmy's Face.

'Professor Oak' Screamed Jimmy
'The very same' Professor Oak
'Awesome' Replied Jimmy
'Lets go into the backyard and talk Presents shall we' Said Professor
Oak
'Sure' Answered Jimmy.

Jimmy was walking through the house wondering what Professor Oak said by 'Lets Talk Presents' that he didn't remember to open the back door and Slammed into it

'Ouch' Screamed Jimmy

But he wasn't hurt when he saw what was in front of him

'Awesome' Said Jimmy
'Happy Birthday Jimmy' said his mum, suddenly repapering
'Wow, a bike, and a Trainers Belt to hold Poke balls' said Jimmy
'And don't forget your Last Present' Exclaimed Professor Oak

Professor Oak held out three Poke balls, threw them in the air and Jimmy saw this

In front of him.


'So who will be your starter , Charmander the flame Pokemon, Squirtle the water Pokemon or Bulbasaur the Grass Pokemon' Said Professor Oak
'I want a Squirtle' said Jimmy
'Well, here he is, with 5 Poke balls and a Pokedex' Replied Professor Oak
'Ok Jimmy, Enjoy the rest of your birthday, and your journey will start tomorrow' Explained his mum
'Cool' replied Jimmy

That Afternoon Jimmy spent packing what he wanted, Deciding and in the end he Packed all the Necessary Items.

It Was now night time and before Jimmy Went to sleep, he sent out his Squirtle and they both climbed on the bed and before They slept Squirtle's eyes Glistened and with that Jimmy Fell asleep on his bed.

To be Continued…

 

[Alter Ego]

In front of him.

To be completely honest with you, I lost all interest in reading your fic right at this point. A fanfic is a piece of writing; this means that dropping down a picture instead of giving a proper written description is not acceptable. If you want sprites in your story; go do a sprite comic instead. Here in the fanfic section, the written word is king; pictures should only be given outside of the chapter and only as supplementary material, meaning that your fanfic should be fully understandable and enjoyable regardless of whether or not the pictures show. Needless to say, this is not the case here. To make matters worse, you also direct linked to Pokémon Elite, which means added lag for them. That's not cool at all. :\

Beyond that, your plot is severely lacking in the most crucial part of successful fanfiction: creativity. The Original Trainer concept (A kid starting a pokémon journey and ending up becoming world champion, stopping a criminal organization, saving the world or any combination thereof) is the most worn-out genre in the franchise. As such, you have a lot (and I do mean a whole freakin' lot) of other fics to outshine in one way or the other if you want to attract readers and - quite frankly - make it worth their while to read through what you've written. OT fanfiction can be done, of course, but you really have to pay a lot of attention to making the characters multi-faceted and adding in new twists here and there to prevent that 'been there, done that' feeling from setting in.

As it is, this is really a textbook example of a purely generic OT fanfic. We have Jimmy (Very commonly used name, by the way) who is your typical pokémon-obsessed but also oh-so-loyal, kind and caring young boy who is out to start his journey and doesn't seem to have a single fault to his name, then we have his equally kind and caring mum and his generic starter with whom Jimmy bonds instantly.

...

This, good sir, is what we call a Gary-Stu. It's a male version of the dreaded Mary-Sue (The perfect character who is flawless in every way, adored by all and always succeeds in whatever she choses to do) and those are the bane of fanfic readers everywhere, because to be perfectly frank: perfect people are boring. I mean think about it: would you be willing to read chapter after chapter about someone who you know will never do - or even consider - anything wrong and always succeeds at everything? I honestly doubt it. Flaws, quirks, habits, and lackings are what make a character likable because it makes it easier for a reader to relate to them, get involved with them and thus care about what happens to them. Once this link between reader and character has been established you'll have set up a very powerful incentive for readers to stick with your fanfic. Your character doesn't need to be a tormented angst king, but nobody's life is all flowers and sunshine twenty-four seven either.

As it is, Jimmy has displayed no true personality whatsoever and what little you have told about him was presented in a very stiff and awkward kind of way. A direct present tense description of what a character is like, once again, belongs to sprite comics (in the form of character profiles) but in a fanfic you should really let your character's actions speak for themselves. So he cares about his old mum? So he's a big-shot pokémon fan? Let him show it, let him say it; don't just lob it out there as a statement, because quite frankly I have been given no reason to believe that description based on his current behavior (or, rather, lack thereof). This brings us to another crucial shortcoming in this fic: description. What does Jimmy look like? How does he feel about starting his own journey? What is his first impression of Professor Oak (And what, by the way, does the good professor look like? Just because you're placing this in an existing setting, it doesn't exempt you from describing that setting for your reader.) What time of the year is it? What's the weather like? How does Squirtle feel about suddenly being shoved into servitude under a fourteen-year old kid? All of these things are important in getting the reader involved with your story and making them care about your characters. Currently, I don't really give a Rattata's arse about Jimmy, his mum, his Squirtle or anything that happens to them and I have also formed no attachment to the world itself, nor have you established any sense of a plot twist looming on the horizon; this being the case I don't have much incentive at all to check back for future installments, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one.

Finally, you've also got some odd capitals and other grammatical strangeness going about. Again, this is bad for your continued readership because it makes your fic harder to read and gives the impression that you just rushed through the writing process. :\

To make a long story short: good fanfiction takes time and patience. It's not enough to picture the story in your head; you have to put it into writing so the rest of us can enjoy it too. That means describing everything even vaguely important for the future development of your story and your characters. Also, as a general note: in a first chapter you'll usually want to establish a general idea of what the main character(s) are like and introduce (or at least hint at) a leading conflict of some sort to spark your reader's curiosity about what is going to happen later on, because in all honesty: with the sheer amount of fanfictions and lack of readers willing to comment, most fics won't get more than a couple of chapters' time (sometimes only one) to prove their worth before people just forget about the fanfic and move on to the next.

There's a lot more I could pick up, but that would be overkill. For now, try to consider the above things and take a look at the Basic Pokémon Writing FAQ, the Pokémon Fanfiction Writing Guide and Hanako Tabris' Grammar Advice. All of these threads are an invaluable resource for new and experienced writers alike. :3

 

[Grovyle42(Griff8416)]

It wasn't bad for your first time. But yeah the pictures are a poor substitute for description.

Spruce it up and it could turn out to be good.

 

[Careful With That Axe Pichu!]

It'd be a tad redundant to go and point everything Alter Ego has already covered here again; I recommend you read it and listen, check out the guides until you're ready to post decent works here.

closed