pokemon the race for the legendary pokemon

[Zy-Reji-Mario-Zylon]

The race for the legendary pokemon

Chapter 1: The journey begins

"Mario wake up today is the day we get our Pokemon". Camron said. i heard my best freind say from behind my closed bed room door. okay I'll be there in a second. I said. i jumped out of my bed put on my best clothes and met camron down stairs. "There is my little pokemon trainer". My mom said. "Hey Mario when i get my pokemon you better be ready to battle me". My little brother Ty said. Oh don't worry when you get your pokemon i'll be sure to give to give it my all. i said.

Camron and i ran outside and got on our bikes then raced to the pokemon lab i beat camron in the pokemon lab and when we walked in side we say a man with a lab coat and black sun glasses on. "Hello you must be mario and camron the two new pokemon trainers here to get your starter pokemon". the man said. Yep that is us. i said. "Here you go I am giving you pokemon based on your personality". he said. "But how can you know our personality if you just met us"? camron asked. "I talked to your parents and friends". the man answered. the man handed us the two pokeballs he had in his hands and we stared at them. i wonder who i have. i said. "Why don't we go outside and see". the man suggested.

so we all walked out side and camron was first. "Okay here I go pokemon i choose you"! camron yelled. Camron grabbed his pokeball clicked and threw it in the air when the pokeball opened a whit light hit the ground and when the light disappeared a small pokemon with a orange body but black on the front of its head and ears with black at its bottom a pink nose, yellow above its nose and black eyes. "Wow, i never seen this pokemon before". Camron said. "That is because this pokemon is from the unova region and so is yours Mario see who it is and by the way camron your pokemon is a tepig the fire pig pokemon".

Here i go i choose you! i yelled. i grabbed the pokeball clicked and threw it up in the air when it opened a whit light hit the ground and when it disappeared a pokemon with a white head, blue ears, black eyes, a red nose, a shell on its stomach, white arms, a blue tail and blue feet. Cool what pokemon is this? i asked. "That is oshawott the sea otter pokemon". the man said.

"I have two last things for you before you start your journey's as pokemon trainers". the man said. The man walked back into the lab and when he came back out he handed us five pokeballs and a watch. "Those are called x-watches it has a built in pokedex, camera, phone, and lots of other things you can carry up to six pokemon with you oh and by the way i am professor joey". He said.

Well thanks professor joey we will be on our way now. I said. So camron and i started walking to threw the forest and i saw a pokemon up in the trees. i stopped and looked at the pokemon. This is going to be my first catch. I said. X-watch scan pokemon. I said. The x-watch shot out a blue light and i aimed the light at the pokemon in the trees and the x-watch said. "Treecko the wood gecko pokemon, treecko are able to climbed walls with the tiny spikes on its hands and feet, they are known for the calm and collectedness no matter what condition".

Then that is the pokemon that I am going to catch oshawott i choose you! I yelled. I grabbed oshawott's pokeball and threw it in the air when it opened a white light hit the ground and when the light disappeared oshawott appeared. Now oshawott use water gun. I said. Oshawott shot a powerful blast of water from its mouth and the Treecko jumped out of the way and landed in front of oshawott. the Treecko shot seeds at oshawott like bullets and oshawott jumped out of the way.

"Mario be careful Treecko is a grass type and that move was bullet seed". Camron said. Thanks for the info now oshawott use water gun one more time! i yelled. oshawott shot another powerful blast of water out of its mouth and it hit the treecko this time. Sweet one more time oshawott. i said. oshawott shot another blast of water but the treecok dodged it and hit oshawott with its bullet seed attack. oshawott was knocked out and the treecko ran deeper in the forest. i looked at oshawott with a look on my face. "How does that happen". camron said.

still speechless i picked up oshawott and carried him to the pokemon center.

stay tuned for chapter 2: second times the chance​

 

[Spinor]

Ummm... Ok besides the obvious flaw that this shouldn't go in the sub forum

I also have to say that there are quite a few simple grammar mistakes: Capitalize your 'I's, and even in first person you should put your dialogue in quotation marks. Also you should press that return button after one person talks. And there are other capitalization and grammar errors that could have been easily avoided by using a word processor like Word or Open office.

Of course at least open office should be an available resource if you can't afford word. But as in your previous thread you should take the recommendation you got about using the Beta reader system.

As for your story, you should keep in mind that the typical 'trainer' story doesn't usually work out unless you plan to do something that is definitely different. Also writing a chapter should NOT take an hour. You do not rush writing! It might take at least 5-6 hours minimum in total to perfect a chapter. What determines if you're good is the quality of your final product, not how fast you make it.

Alright? It's ok, writing is a learning process like any other art or activity. Just learn and take suggestions open-mindedly.

Edit: I barely got to interpret you previous story as the same one as this one. Don't do that. Follow the advice of JX and the mods before you post anything else.

 

[bobandbill]

I don't care if I've been ninja'd - so if some of this is repetitive/is already covered in the above post then oh well!

Okay... firstly, wrong section again, but I'll move it to the right section seeing it is readable now and also seemingly a complete chapter... I'll still note that size 3/4 text is still larger than the default (the size I am currently using being the default which is size 2), but the paragraphing is a decent addition (although you'd want to do that more often - more on that in a bit). Secondly - there's no need to rush - it's all well and good to finish a whole chapter in an hour but a good piece of writing generally takes a while to be written due to editing and proof-reading and so forth.

For instance there's some errors I can see - I'll just touch on what is in the first paragraph because it can also be applied to the rest overall.

"Mario wake up today is the day we get our Pokemon". Camron said. i heard my best freind say from behind my closed bed room door. okay I'll be there in a second. I said. i jumped out of my bed put on my best clothes and met camron down stairs. "There is my little pokemon trainer". My mom said. "Hey Mario when i get my pokemon you better be ready to battle me". My little brother Ty said. Oh don't worry when you get your pokemon i'll be sure to give to give it my all. i said.

Firstly - I'm not sure on the spelling of Camron - maybe there is such a name but I am more familiar with 'Cameron' personally. However I'd advise using a word processing program as mentioned before, as they have in-built spell and grammar checks which would catch some errors here (e.g. 'friend' rather than 'freind').

Anyways - firstly you'd want quotation marks around speech for the protagonist too usually - so for instance "Okay, I'll be there in a second," I said. You're consistent with that which is better than being both ways but I'd advise making that change. Another thing is that new sentences should always hav the first word capitalised, so that goes with I (rather than i, only note 'I' should always be capitalised whether it starts a sentence or not), and commas should be before or after someone's name in dialogue (E.g "Hello, Mario.").

More on dialogue - you'd want some punctuation within the quotation marks rather than outside, and not always full stops either - you'd only want to use those when the sentence ends at the dialogue or rather, nothing follows it saying who said the line/how it was said. Some examples:

"I am speaking," said the man.

"Now I am speaking!" the woman shouted loudly.

"This is true." Then the man sat down.

In the first instance, 'said the man' tells us who said the dialogue, so you'd want to treat the whole part as one sentence - hence the comma. In the second example, it's the same deal with 'the woman shouted loudly' saying who said it/how it was said (shouted loudly) and again you treat the full thing as one sentence - but you can use exclamation marks (and question marks) too in such case. However a full stop would not work there. Also 'said' and 'the' are not capitalised because here they are not the first word in a sentence.

The third sentence is where a full stop would fit in - 'Then the man sat down.' is its own sentence so we end a sentence at the end of the dialogue as well, hence the full stop. Note each punctuation mark is within the quotation marks, and now 'Then' is capitalised as it is the first word in a new sentence.

You'll also notice that each line was separated into their own paragraphs - whenever someone different speaks, you ought to start a new line. Hence, the first paragraph you have there with a bit more editing should look something like this:

"Mario, wake up! Today is the day we get our Pokemon," I heard my best friend Cameron say from behind my closed bedroom door.

"Okay I'll be there in a second," I said. I jumped out of my bed put on my best clothes and met Cameron downstairs.

"There is my little pokemon trainer," my mom said.

"Hey Mario, when I get my pokemon you better be ready to battle me," my little brother Ty said.

"Oh don't worry, when you get your pokemon I'll be sure to give to give it my all," I said.

One last thing - more description would be nice. You already had some neat description of the Pokemon (the starters), however some more on what the characters look like (Cameron, etc) as well as the place (what region is this if the starters are from a different region?), and say how the Pokemon react to being hit by attacks too would make it more interesting to read.

On the plus side you have a decent basis here already, and I like that Oshawott actually lost the battle and how Mario was rather shocked by the defeat - it could make for an interesting plot to keep on for the next chapter. You just need to spend a bit more time with editing the story and removing the mistakes (so just apply the stuff pointed out above to the rest and give it a proofread yourself as well as a spell/grammar check - you can even google for free ones online and word processing programs have them) - as Astinus said in the other thread, you could also consider getting a Beta Reader to read over your work before you post it.

 

[Astinus]

While it's fun to see how much of a story one can write in a certain amount of time, you can't post your story once that time is up. For you, while you can write the chapter itself in under an hour, you shouldn't post it as soon as you finish. A good rule to follow is to wait a day after you finish your chapter to come back to it and edit it, checking for mistakes that you can spot and fix on your own. Or to add parts or remove parts of the chapter to have it make more sense. Then, if you have one, your chapter gets sent off to the beta reader so they can help you improve the chapter before you actually post it to the forums.

It's a very rare occurrence to write a fic and have it be completely ready to be posted in a short time limit. (It is possible, since I've done it myself.) Most of the time, though, the results of an hour's writing spree will need some sort of editing.

You have made some improvements though between your first thread and this one.

Hope that helps.

 

[Zy-Reji-Mario-Zylon]

pokemon the race for the legendary pokemon chapter 2: second time the chance

Chapter 2: Second times the chance


​

chapter 2 After Mr. Striker handed me Oshawott's pokeball, Cameron and I walked outside, and I looked at Oshawott's pokeball for a few seconds.
"I don't think I have ever seen a pokemon get knocked out before." Cameron said.
I looked at Cameron with a look on my face saying not now.

"Oshawott, come on out!" I yelled.
I clicked and threw Oshawotts pokeball in the air.
When it opened, a white light hit the ground, and when the light disappeared, Oshawott appeared. Oshawott had its head down and didn't look at me.
"Hey Oshawott, don't feel bad. You did your best, and we'll get that Treecko next time, okay?
So what we should do now is practice." I said.
​

As soon as I said that, Oshawott looked at me with determination.
Oshawott, Cameron and I walked in front of three trees.
"Okay, Oshawott. Since Treecko dodged your Water Gun, and quickly used Bullet Seed, I want you to hit the trees with your water gun, and don't stop." I said.
After I said that, Oshawott shot a powerful blast of water from its mouth, and moved its water gun quicker than I thought.
​

"Way to go, Oshawott. I wonder what other moves you can use." I said.
"Maybe the X-watch can tell us!" Cameron suggested.
"Great idea Cameron! X-watch, what moves can Oshawott use?" I asked.
The X-watch shot a red light, and I aimed the red light at Oshawott.

"Oshawott's usable moves are Water Gun and Razor Shell" The X-watch said.
"I've never heard of Razor Shell, but let's try it. Oshawott, Use Razor Shell!" I yelled.
Oshawott grabbed the shell on its stomach, and water shot from the shell making it almost look like a sword, and Oshawott swung the shell, and it cut a line into one of the trees.
​

"Cool move!" someone said from behind us.
I turned around and saw my friend, Olli, who had left on his journey six weeks ago.
"Hey Olli, where have you been?" I asked.
"Well I had a gym battle a little while ago." he answered.
"Hey, how is your chimchar?" I asked.
​

"Oh, Chimchar evolved." Olli answered.
"That is great. How about I battle you!" Cameron said.
"You guys can battle as soon as Oshawott and I catch that Treecko." I said.
"I'll go with you guys. I can give you tips about catching pokemon, since you're new at being pokemon trainers." Olli said. So the three of us walked in the forest looking for the treecko.

"Mario! I found the Treecko, but it's in some trouble." Cameron said.
Olli and I ran beside Cameron, to see five Ariados surrounding Treecko, who was on the ground in pain. "Oh no! Oshawott, use Water Gun on those ariados!" I yelled.
Oshawott shot a powerful blast at the ariados, and pushed them away from the Treecko.
​

Olli was about to grab one of his pokeballs, but before he could I shook my head.
"We got this." I said.
"Okay, Oshawott! Use Razor Shell." I said.
Oshawott grabbed its shell, and water formed what looked like a sword and Oshawott jumped in front of Treecko and hit the ariados. one by one they fled.
​

I ran and picked up the Treecko.
"Treecko are you okay?" I asked.
"Tree co co." The treecko said.
Olli handed me small piece of a berry, and I gave it to the Treecko, and it immediately felt better.
​

"Hey Treecko! Now that you feel better I want to catch you." I said.
The treecko took a few steps back, and Oshawott stood still.
"I guess that is a yes. Oshawott, use water gun."
Oshawott shot another powerful blast of water and it hit the treecko.
"Hey Mario! Treecko is still weak from when the Ariados attacked it, so you can catch it now!" Oliver yelled.
"Okay here I go! Go pokeball!" I yelled.
I grabbed one of my pokeballs, clicked, and threw it at the Treecko. The pokeball hit the Treecko on the head, and a red beam hit the Treecko, and it went inside the pokeball and sealed.
Oshawott ran and picked up the pokeball and handed it to me.
​

"Yes! I caught Treecko!" I said.
"Way to go Mario. You and Cameron should enter the triple tag team tournament with me." Oliver said.
​

Stay tuned for chapter 3: Rush to Thorn Town


I thank olli97 for helping me with grammar and other things


​

​

 

[Astinus]

Why did you post your threads in this section again? You've been told twice where your thread should be posted, and one of those threads has even been moved to the correct section with a redirect so you can find it.

Your thread's going to be moved to the main forum and then merged with your other thread. All chapters for one story go in the same thread. Otherwise it gets messy and the forum gets overwhelmed. That way, you don't have to tell your readers to read chapter one first to understand what's going on because...they already did.

Grammar still needs a clean-up. Your dialogue is still punctuated wrong. I'll copy over how bobandbill explained it:

More on dialogue - you'd want some punctuation within the quotation marks rather than outside, and not always full stops either - you'd only want to use those when the sentence ends at the dialogue or rather, nothing follows it saying who said the line/how it was said. Some examples:

Quote: "I am speaking," said the man.

"Now I am speaking!" the woman shouted loudly.

"This is true." Then the man sat down.

In the first instance, 'said the man' tells us who said the dialogue, so you'd want to treat the whole part as one sentence - hence the comma. In the second example, it's the same deal with 'the woman shouted loudly' saying who said it/how it was said (shouted loudly) and again you treat the full thing as one sentence - but you can use exclamation marks (and question marks) too in such case. However a full stop would not work there. Also 'said' and 'the' are not capitalised because here they are not the first word in a sentence.

The third sentence is where a full stop would fit in - 'Then the man sat down.' is its own sentence so we end a sentence at the end of the dialogue as well, hence the full stop. Note each punctuation mark is within the quotation marks, and now 'Then' is capitalised as it is the first word in a new sentence.

Don't center your text as you did, since there's no reason to randomly center random bits of text. Reading centered text is difficult to do.

There are a few typos here and there.

I clicked and threw Oshawotts pokeball in the air.

"Oshawott's"

"Oshawott's usable moves are Water Gun and Razor Shell" The X-watch said.

Missing the comma after "Shell".

one by one they fled.

The first "one" needs to start with a capital letter.

Oshawott shot another powerful blast of water and it hit the treecko.

"Treecko" needs to start with a capital letter, since you wrote it that way elsewhere.

I grabbed one of my pokeballs, clicked, and threw it at the Treecko. The pokeball hit the Treecko on the head, and a red beam hit the Treecko, and it went inside the pokeball and sealed.

Saying "the Treecko" three times in two sentences is a tad tedious to read. One thing you could do is replace a few of them with descriptions of the Pokemon, like "the green Pokemon", "the lizard Pokemon", or "the Grass-type".

You are getting better, so just keep practicing and following advice. Hope this helps.

 

[bobandbill]

Ninja'ddddd so uh, I'll just say stuff not already mentioned this time.

On the plus side your grammar/spelling is already far better than before - good work with the improvements. You'd still want to refrain from using full stops too much in dialogue (e.g. '"Okay, Oshawott! Use Razor Shell." I said.' should be '"Okay, Oshawott! Use Razor Shell," I said. for instance - refer to the examples I gave for the first chapter) and you'd want to go with line spacing between each line of dialogue spoken by someone else and not a new paragraph for every sentence, just a new one each time somone different speaks usually - e.g.

I ran and picked up the Treecko.
"Treecko are you okay?" I asked.
"Tree co co." The treecko said.
Olli handed me small piece of a berry, and I gave it to the Treecko, and it immediately felt better.

to

I ran and picked up the Treecko. "Treecko, are you okay?" I asked.

"Tree co co," the Treecko said. Olli handed me a small piece of a berry, and I gave it to the Treecko, and it immediately felt better.

Some other changes made include keeping the capitalisation of Treecko consistent in that example but try to keep it one way or the other, not both, and some more punctuation. As a last note I'll now mention another technique - showing rather than telling. It's generally more interesting to read something when we're shown how it happens rather than being told. For instance at the end there you tell us the Treecko 'immediately felt better', but if you instead showed us that it got better (e.g. describing it nodding happily as it eats the berry or jumping about afterwards or the sort) would be more interesting to read and tell us it felt better without you actually having to say it.​

 

[Zy-Reji-Mario-Zylon]

Chapter 3 "Guys! We should get going if we want to make it to the tournament. I heard if we win we become one of the L.P.P's!" Olli said
"L. P what?" I asked.
"L.P.P stands for Legendary Pokémon Protectors," Olli answered.
"Sorry, still haven't heard of them," I said.

Oliver looked at me with surprise.
"What?" I asked
"Well, it's just that the L.P.P's have been here for a while, but still, everyone knows about them," Olli said.

"Wait a second! Legendary Pokémon like Dialga?!" Cameron asked.
"Yep. All of the legendary Pokémon. Even Dialga," Olli said.
"Well what are we doing standing here for? Let's GO!" Cameron yelled.
Cameron grabbed Olli's and my arm and dragged us half way to Thorn Town.


"I get it, Cameron, but I have two feet of my own," I said.
Cameron let go of Olli's and my arm.
Five minutes later we arrived at Thorn Town.
"Okay, Olli, where do we sign up?" I asked.

"We need to go to the battle stadium," Olli answered.
We walked around Thorn Town, asking people where the Battle Stadium was, and ten minutes later we found it and walked inside.
A tall buffed man looked at us and smiled.


"Let me guess. You kids want to be in the L.P.P?" The man asked.
"Y... yes sir!" Olli stuttered.
"Olli? What's wrong?" I asked.
"That is Jerry, the leader of the L.P.P," Oliver whispered.

"Well it looks like someone has been doing their home work. Since you three got here I'll tell you what you have to do. Only four groups showed up, so you will battle twice, okay? When you beat two groups, you will battle someone in the L.P.P. Then if you win, you three will be in the L.P.P," The man said.

"Alright! Let's battle then!" I yelled.
"Ha ha, I like your spirit," Jerry said.
Camron, Olli and I ran on the battle stage, and saw three kids.
The one in the middle had a black hat, a white shirt, and black shorts.
The one on the right had a blue bandana, a black jacket, and dark blue shorts.
The last one on the left had a red shirt, and blue shorts.


"Are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna battle us?" The kid in [FONT=inherit !important][FONT=inherit !important][/FONT][FONT=inherit !important][FONT=inherit !important][/FONT][/FONT] asked.[/FONT]
I looked at Cameron, then at Olli, and they both nodded.

Stay tuned for Chapter 4: Triple trouble

thank Olli97 for helping me with grammar, so the grammar mistakes that you find are mostly his doing.
All the rest is made by me.