Pokemon: The Untouched World

[UberChomp]

Chapter 1: The Lush Green Valley

In a land where no trainer or explorer has ever stepped in...there are many, many undisturbed and beautiful Pokemon. Every Pokemon that has ever been discovered has either lived in this beautiful mountain valley or dreamed to live in the lush and exotic mountain valley. The Pokemon live in a structural society much like ours, they have their share of problems and mischief, but they also explore and discover new things...without the distraction of people of course. Even though there are no human trainers around, the fresh ecosystem of Pokemon tend to teach and master their own unique techniques according to which species of Pokemon they are. In this chronicle of adventures, you'll learn and see for yourself what Pokemon are really like when not watched by...YOU!

A day like any other one started out to run smoothly. A small clan of Ludicolos were out picking fresh new berries for their morning feast...as the Ludicolos were off into the deeper end of the forest and as a few other Ludicolos were still sleeping on their leaf beds; a phenomenal event happened...according to a stray Seedot. Out of nowhere a huge ball of gross and hideous gunk and poison flew out of of the sky and onto all the Ludicolo's leafy beds and boulder-tables. The stray Seedot ran in fear and shock. A hour or so later, the Ludicolos were hobbling back in a jolly mood because of the good berry hunt they just had, but all that was about to change. As the Ludicolos paced forward towards their camp, they saw the mess of what was left. The Ludicolos were disgusted and furious! They couldn't stand the fact that years of hard work was marinating in such filth from a random Sludge Bomb! Some Ludicolos were blaming the neighboring Vileplume clan, which always hated the Ludicolos and often vandalized the Ludicolo's camp. But never has the Vileplume clan done something like this! The Ludicolos were on the brink of stomping toward the Vileplume and camp and trashing the place...but they had to find out for sure if it was them or not....

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Laterna]

Wow... I mean, just... O.O wow... *wow cO.Okies*

That was so amazing... it's really weird though cos I just finished watching this documentary series, well two actually ~ "Walking With Monsters" and "Walking With Beasts" and was hoping to find something in that genre to satisfy my new-found hunger for that type of documentary and you're fic may well just fit the bill ^^ just reminds me so much of them...

My only problem was with the descriptions of the landscape itself and of the Pokémon. I think your fic deserves to have more of that in it to really help the reader visualise what is going on and really make them feel like they are watching them, you know?

Overall though, a truly excellent job ^^ I can't wait for more *cookies*

 

[UberChomp]

Wow... I mean, just... O.O wow... *wow cO.Okies*

That was so amazing... it's really weird though cos I just finished watching this documentary series, well two actually ~ "Walking With Monsters" and "Walking With Beasts" and was hoping to find something in that genre to satisfy my new-found hunger for that type of documentary and you're fic may well just fit the bill ^^ just reminds me so much of them...

My only problem was with the descriptions of the landscape itself and of the Pokémon. I think your fic deserves to have more of that in it to really help the reader visualise what is going on and really make them feel like they are watching them, you know?

Overall though, a truly excellent job ^^ I can't wait for more *cookies*

Okay, I'll work on giving the reader more imagery to feed off of. Thank you so much for the compliments. The second chapter is currently being made on microsoft word. It will be added on soon.

 

[Monkeymon]

In a land where no trainer or explorer has ever stepped in...there are many, many undisturbed and beautiful Pokemon. Every Pokemon that has ever been discovered has either lived in this beautiful mountain valley or dreamed to live in the lush and exotic mountain valley. The Pokemon live in a structural society much like ours, they have their share of problems and mischief, but they also explore and discover new things...without the distraction of people of course. Even though there are no human trainers around, the fresh ecosystem of Pokemon tend to teach and master their own unique techniques according to which species of Pokemon they are. In this chronicle of adventures, you'll learn and see for yourself what Pokemon are really like when not watched by...YOU!

Please, do not use bold in your writing.It is a cheap way of making things look longer.
I corrected this, but please keep that in mind for the future. Bold=fixed. Also, the multiple usages of '...' is rather annoying, it would be better to leave them out and use actual words to create suspense.

A day like any other one started out to run smoothly. A small clan of Ludicolos were out picking fresh new berries for their morning feast...as the Ludicolos were off into the deeper end of the forest and as a few other Ludicolos were still sleeping on their leaf beds; a phenomenal event happened...according to a stray Seedot. Out of nowhere a huge ball of gross and hideous gunk and poison flew out of of the sky and onto all the Ludicolo's leafy beds and boulder-tables. The stray Seedot ran in fear and shock. A hour or so later, the Ludicolos were hobbling back in a jolly mood because of the good berry hunt they just had, but all that was about to change. As the Ludicolos paced forward towards their camp, they saw the mess of what was left. The Ludicolos were disgusted and furious! They couldn't stand the fact that years of hard work was marinating in such filth from a random Sludge Bomb! Some Ludicolos were blaming the neighboring Vileplume clan, which always hated the Ludicolos and often vandalized the Ludicolo's camp. But never has the Vileplume clan done something like this! The Ludicolos were on the brink of stomping toward the Vileplume and camp and trashing the place...but they had to find out for sure if it was them or not....

What, the end already? This is way to short, I'm not pressuring you to make it longer, but more could have been added. Still with the '...' to create suspense, and it is still useless. Simply use words to create suspense, create new paragraphs if you have to. Another thing, you used the word Ludicolos eleven times in this paragraph, which is quite repetitive. Instead, you could have used something like 'the big, leaf headed pokemon' at least. The idea isn't bad, but it seems somewhat dull, some description would help greatly. Always remember to describe things all the time!

 

[UberChomp]

CHAPTER 2: THE CONFRONTATION


As of now, the Ludicolos were grumbling to themselves trying to retrieve anything that was left from the incident. They were in disgust of what happened. Now, they had to take action. The leader Ludicolo of the whole clan tapped two rocks together to make an announcement. Everyone stopped what they were doing and listened closely. The leader Ludicolo explained what they must do to solve this problem; half of the male Ludicolos would travel south to the Vileplume clan and ask them a few questions about what happened without causing an uproar. The other half of male Ludicolos will have to travel far off from their clan and up through the mountains and swamps, to find any indication of who caused this mess. As for the female Ludicolo, they had to stay at home near the clan, pick berries, protect the camp from any further harm, and watch and care for the Lotads and Lombres that are still young and prone to danger. Any male Lombres that evolve while the male Ludicolos were gone have to stay at the camp and care for tired female Ludicolos. After this proposed plan, everyone started to pack and get ready. The male Ludicolos that were heading towards the Vileplume clan didnt pack anything, but the other half of Ludicolos that were traveling off into far lands packed sacks of berries and a few natural large plants to warm themselves during harsh nights.

The Ludicolos were now off into to the horizon. Some female Ludicolos cried and as for the young Lotads and Lombres, they didn't seem to care or notice what happened. The Ludicolos were anxiously waiting to see what would happen when they meet the Vileplume. About thirty minutes later, the Ludicolos could see the dancing Vileplume and the sleeping Gloom and Oddish. As they walked closer, a few Vileplume noticed them and started growling and cursing them as they walked closer. The Vileplume were very angry these Ludicolos came to disturbe their party. The Ludicolos told the others to back off and asked for their leader. Their leader was a Bellossom, the only Bellossom in the camp. As the Bellossom leader came out of a large tent, she told the others to stop being so hostile. The Vileplume, Gloom, and Oddish scattered behind the leader almost as like they were ready to attack. The leader asked what the Ludicolos were doing here. As the Ludicolos explained what happened to their camp, the Vileplume clan became frusturated because they knew they were getting blamed. After the Ludicolos were finished explaining, all the Vileplume and the others started yelling remarks explaining that they didnt do it. The Ludicolos argued back saying they knew it was them because no other Pokemon clan would ever do something so stupid! This made the Vileplume clan and the leader infuriated, so they started to attack! The Ludicolos went for cover behind rocks as the Vileplume started pouring out acid from the tops of their heads which is one of thier known Pokemon moves and the Glooms were shooting poisonous and paralyzing spores everywhere! The Ludicolos shot back with blasts of Hydro Pumps and some Ludicolos who new Ice Beam were freezing every Oddish and Gloom in sight! Back and forth the Ice beams, hydro pumps, acid shots, and spores kept shooting into the air. The Ludicolos were starting to become wary, a few of their troops have fainted and one of the most experience Ludicolos that knew Ice Beam became paralyzed! As for the Vileplume and the others, they were hiding from the shots of Ice Beams which froze a few companions. The leader Bellossom fled knowing this was too dangerous. A few hours later the remaining Vileplume and the others gave up the fighting and screamed a question of how could they be the ones to throw a big gunk ball out into the sky and on their camp. The two remaining Ludicolos realized this and knew it wasnt them. Now the two Ludicolos had to feed the fainted and paralyzed Ludicolo troops some curing berries and go home. They were tired and weary, and as they came to their camp, they told the others everything, they told the leader Ludicolo about the war and told them the Vileplume clan couldn't of done it. The leader was glad they got something done and went to sleep, and so did the others.

TO BE CONTINUED

 

[Post Office Buddy]

Umm... Yeah, not going to touch this until you take away the bolded font and write more. There is very little description here, and you rushed everything. Lengthening the chapter some would have fixed the rushed feeling some, but maybe it would have been better to do this in mutliple chapters, going through a portion of the journey in each chapter until the journey is complete. Just some things you should look at...

 

[UberChomp]

CHAPTER 3: The Long Journey

The female Ludicolos and the male Ludicolos who were back from the Vileplume clan mission were happily eating and socializing amongst each other. But, back in the deep wild where the other half of the male Ludicolos were, who went on an even riskier mission, were in deep fear. They were hiking up a fairly large hill. So far, the Ludicolos have not encountered any dangerous Pokemon clans. At the top of the hill fear struck at the Ludicolos instantly. The strongest of the Ludicolos started divising a plan to tip-toe around these very fast and dangerous clan of Shiftry. The Shiftry clan was never messed around with, and they never had the patience with other Pokemon clans. They preferred to be left alone, this was understood because they were part Dark type. Almost all Dark type Pokemon hated other neighboring tribes that weren't the same species. This was a time for the Ludicolos to avoid a fight that they would surely lose. If they were quiet enough, the Ludicolos could walk past the entire sleeping tribe, but if they weren't and they woke the Shiftry, they would be brutally attacked by all of the Shiftry; there were about fifty of them.

Now, they started walking on the Shiftry tribe's soil, and were very quiet, some Ludicolos walked very close to the bodies and heads of sleeping Shiftry. One mistake, and they'd be finished. Half way through the center of the tribe, they heard a large crack! They were about to burst out crying if they woke the Shiftry, but it turns out it was a Shiftry who accidentally laid on a stick in his sleep, and not a Ludicolo. They were almost out of harm's way until they saw a small wild Mankey, the Mankey looked very mischevious and was about to swing from one tree to another tree. This would make alot of noise, so the Ludicolos started desperately begging for the Mankey to not jump from the tree. The Ludicolos were swinging their arms and were on their knees praying, but the Mankey didn't care. He didn't swing off the tree however, he saw a small stone on the ground so he climbed down the tree to pick it up. He held the stone firmly and pulled his arm back! The Ludicolos were tearing and begging for mercy! But the Mankey was relentless. The Mankey took a swift flick of the wrist and released the stone! The stone flew perfectly towards a large male Shiftry and nailed him right on the forhead! The Shiftry gave a loud yell and jumped up to see who threw the stone. The Ludicolos turned and ran for their lives. The Shiftry spotted them and dashed incredibly fast towards them. The Shiftry was gaining on them but couldnt get a hold of them because of the large head-start they gained at the beginning. But this was no problem for the Shiftry of course. The Shiftry used one of his perfected techniques; Leaf Storm. He swung his arms out and started spinning, he created a large twister of leaves and vines, he gave a forceful push to the twister and it whipped towards the Ludicolo! The Leaf Storm was bashing against the Ludicolos and whipping them across their faces. But this wasn't the end, the Shiftry wanted them finished, he began to use his strongest Dark type technique; Dark Pulse. The Shiftry gathered up evil inner aura filled with dark, evil, and threatening thoughts toward the Ludicolos and released the pulse of Dark aura with a big scream. The wave of the Dark Pulse quickly flew at them and struck the whole gang of Ludicolos with a bang! The Ludicolos couldn't take this second hit and went flying into the air! They were almost completely knocked out and were worrying about where they would land! The Ludicolos fell back to earth in a dense and thick forest miles away from where they were hit by the Shiftry's Dark Pulse. They made a crashing and loud impact and they created a small crater because of it, they were all unconcious and were laying in pain.

TO BE CONTINUED...

 

[Snowfire]

Wow. This is amazing. This is one of the best stories I've ever read!
Only thing is that you should stop bolding the chapters, this makes it a little hard to read.

Overall, this is amazing and I can't wait to see more!

 

[Laterna]

Oakies, I've just finished off chapter two and now I'm going to review. I hope this helps you.

First off, several people have pointed this out ~ stop bolding your chapters as it is rather glaring and, to be honest, a little difficult to read. you have to respect the wishes of your reader with regards to things like this because if they can't read it then they won't, you know?

they meet the Vileplume

I think there the word should be "met" as you've been using past tense throughout so you should be careful to stick to it and not accidentally jump into present tense like this. I know it can be a difficult thing to do, one way of fixing this would be to maybe properly read through your chapter before posting as a way of double-checking grammar, spelling, tense, etc.

troops have fainted

Same as above, I think it should be "had" in order to fit in with the tense of the rest of your paragraph.

A few hours later the remaining Vileplume and the others gave up the fighting and screamed a question of how could they be the ones to throw a big gunk ball out into the sky and on their camp. The two remaining Ludicolos realized this and knew it wasnt them.

This bit didn't make sense to me at all... Vileplume are capable of learning moves that could pull something like that off and, judging by the history you've depicted between the two clans, I don't think it would be that easily resolved with just the Ludicolo's more-or-less taking the Vilplume's word for it, you know? I don't really understand what happened in that paragraph so I'm not sure how to comment beyond that...

Visualising it my head, it's still very cool and I'm still really loving it. As I've said to you before, it's a great idea and I really hope you'll keep going with it.

Just remember to take on-board the comments of others, work them into your fic to keep your readers on your side, to keep them reading and commenting, you know? As a write, you have to be able to accept criticism and be able to alter your ideas to fit what others want really, you know?

I would also still suggest adding in more descriptions and, as stated by another reader, don't just refer to them as Ludicolo's all the time, there are plenty other, more descriptive ways of showing them off that, in my opinion, would greatly improve your fic.

Keep up the good work UberChomp, I'm absolutely loving this fic *cookies*

 

[Astinus]

The PFF rules state not to eff around with the font when you post the chapter. You effed around with the font and didn't stop effing around with the font after people told you to change it.

Change it. Take out the bold.

Also take more time to work on your chapters. You posted three chapters in twenty-four hours. You should take more time writing and reading over your chapter before you post it.

Lengthen your chapter, because it needs to be longer. You only have two chapters. There should be more, and of better quality. Start listening to your reviewers.

 

[Astinus]

Closing on author's request.