Pokemon UK

[President Showaddywaddy]

Chapter 14- Orienteering, sailing and Canoeing, what could possibly go wrong?

The journey back the way they had come, was as uneventful as the first. In fact, less eventful. Nothing went wrong, and even the weather was boring. No wind, and the sun was out, but it was still a bit chilly. Because of this, it took just over two hours for them to get back to the A52. They were just about to join it, and head to Nottingham, but they spotted a problem.

"Bugger, I forgot about that," said Jack, as he had led them. The A52 was getting a major re-surfacing job, and was blocked off in the direction of the city.

"So where to now genius," said Luke, imitating what he had said the day before.

"Sandy Lane."

"What, a beach?" asked George.

"No that over there," said Jack, pointing to a dirt track directly across the A52. "That goes to Adbolton Lane, and that leads
to Nottingham. It goes through Holme Pierrepont."

"Well lets go," chorused the others.

Jack led the way down the dirt road. The surface was bumpy and loose, so it required some skill. The five then turned left at the end, towards Nottingham. They had to go past the water sports centre in Holme Pierrepont. There, George remembered something, and stopped.

"Won't we need supplies if we're going to a gym?" The others stopped too.

"What, guns, knives, stun grenades," said Cal, mocking the GBH rate of Nottingham.

"No potions and stuff," said George.

"Didn't Jack get some of those in Hickling?" asked Adam.

"Well…" Jack pulled two potions out of his bag.

"Is that it!" exclaimed Cal.

"Well, I didn't have much money," replied Jack.

"There's a shop over there, we can buy some more," said Adam, striding off to the shop. The others ran after him, and caught up as he went inside.

"I've only got 10 quid left," said Jack, as Adam made his way to the till.

"Hasn't anyone else got any money?" he asked, turning around.

"No."

"Nope."

"Nien."

"Bollocks," said Adam.

"Look at that," said Cal, pointing at a poster on the wall. They walked up to it, to read it. It said:

"Holme Pierrepont canoeing, sailing and orienteering competition.

First event is a one kilometre canoeing race along the regatta.
Second event is a sailing race down the regatta, at the end of which you must place your boat on a wagon, push it to the Trent and sail to Gunthorpe.
Third event is an orienteering competition, using all thirty two posts around the regatta.

First and second events will be done in teams of two/three. The third will be done individually.

Winning team/individual of each event receives £100
2nd place £50
3rd place £10

Event one starts at 12pm. Lunch will be served between events one and two.

All participants must be accompanied by at least one pokemon outside of it's poke ball at all times. Pokemon are allowed to assist the competitors. Battles are allowed, but only against wild pokemon. Wild pokemon can be caught.

Sign up at the water sports centre."

"I say we do it," said Jack.

"Why?" asked Cal.

"We need the money, plus our pokemon might get to battle during the events. And it'll be fun, remember when we did this with
the school?" he replied.

"We sank three boats and orienteering post," pointed out Luke, "but Jack's right, let's sign up."

They rushed over to the water sports centre, and immediately signed up. The regatta behind the building was two kilometres long, and one hundred feet further on was the Trent.

"Right," said the gruff looking sign up attendant, "you are team four," pointing at Luke and Jack. They had sorted out teams a minute ago. "And you are team five," pointing at Cal, Adam and George." The man looked at his watch for a second, before looking at the boys again. "Just go down to the pontoon, holding these slips of paper," he continued, handing a piece of paper to Adam and Luke, each with the team number on it, and a strange crest. "They'll sort out everything there, but hurry, it starts in fifteen minutes."

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

Chapter 15- An old Nemesis

The two teams went to the pontoon, where they found a hastily erected stand, and two more gruff looking individuals. There was a sign above the stand, saying 'Competitors'.

"Team four, your boat's over there," said the man at the stand, jerking his thumb over his right shoulder, at the middle pontoon. There were three pontoons at the regatta, with one boat moored on each side.

"And team five," his female assistant continued, "yours is over there," pointing to the pontoon on the far right. "You can also name your team if you wish."

"Call us Thunderburke four," said Jack.

"And us Thunderburke five," finished Adam, getting the idea.

They wished each other luck, and began to walk to their boats, but Jack stopped George. He held out a walkie-talkie and George took it.

"This is for when we need t'other teams help," explained Jack. "With my track record, anything could happen."

"Good idea, this," replied George.

Jack walked off to the pontoon, and found Luke and Pikachu staring open mouthed at their boat, bobbing at the full extent of it's mooring line. It was an ancient, green wooden crate, with rotten planks of wood that were supposed to be the seat. There was a fair amount of water sloshing around the bottom.

"Is that it?" exclaimed Luke.

"It's not that bad," began Jack, but inside, he was eating his words.

"Jack, it's pathetic, it looks like something a builder would leave behind," replied Luke. Jack sniggered. Builders were notorious
for leaving a big amount of mess and rubbish when they had finished a job.

"Builders can leave a lot worse behind, trust me," he said, remembering the builders at his house when it was being extended.

"At least we're not in it for long," said Luke.

"Now your looking on t'bright side," said Jack, happily. "Eevee, can you hop down for a minute while I get t'boat closer, I don't want you to fall in?" The boat was three feet from the pontoon, despite being attached to it. He would have to pull it back, for them to get in.

"Eevee," and she jumped down off his shoulder. He put his bag down too.

Jack reached out for the canoe, and gripped the rim with his hands. He was just about to pull it back, when his feet slipped on the wet planks of the pontoon, and fell into the water. He disappeared for a moment and the re-surfaced, grabbing at the pontoon. As soon as his hands reached over the top, he felt two things pulling him. As his face cleared the top of the pontoon, he could see Luke pulling his left hand, and Eevee tugging his right sleeve. He was surprised. She was quite strong for something her size. Eventually, he was pulled fully onto the planks, soaking wet and shivering slightly.


"Thanks Luke," he said, after about thirty seconds of catching his breath. Water was dripping off him, and his water logged clothes were ice cold in the air.

"Any time," replied Luke, smiling.

"Thanks Eevee," continued Jack, petting his pokemon's head.

"Well, well, well," came a voice, "if it isn't my old friend Jack."

Jack looked towards the start of the pontoon, and saw someone he'd rather forget striding towards him. Johnny Spike, flanked by his brother, Charlie, a Poocheyna and a Houndour. Jack could feel the hatred rise in him. Spike had followed him again. Johnny was wearing a tight T shirt, tucked into his trousers, and white trainers. His hair looked like it had been painted on, and his ears were enormous. If he was ever going to get a TV, Jack thought, he was guaranteed to get good reception.

"Your not my friend," said Jack scornfully.

"Ooh, stressed are we. You haven't changed a bit, you're still that bullying freak that ran away from me." Jack hated this boy, more than he hated Radcliffe. He never missed an opportunity to annoy Jack, and when Jack retaliated, the teachers sided with his tears.

"And you're still the same South-African-Southern-Nancy-Bastard then?" replied Jack.

"Yes," replied Johnny, "oh, wait that was meant to be an insult, wasn't it?"

"Your ears could hear anything, stop patronising me."

"And there we go with the same jokes again, you haven't changed a bit. Oh wait, you have, you've got an Eevee now, hi
there," he said, waving snootily at Eevee. She could feel the anger emanating from Jack, and growled at Spike, baring her teeth menacingly. Jack couldn't help but feel she looked ridiculous, looking so adorable but trying to be intimidating, but he was thankful for her support. "I see you take after your master," continued Spike, looking down his nose at her. "She's the first thing you've been able to control Jack, including your temper."

"Watch it Johnny," said Jack. He could be sent to prison if he beat him up, he didn't want that.

"Or you'll what. Remember I've got my dad's pokemon," he said, gesturing to the Poocheyna and Houndour. Out of all pokemon, Jack hated these two kinds the most. A Poocheyna ha bitten through his hand when he was three, and when he was eleven, a Houndour had chased him through Radcliffe because he delivered a paper to it's owner's house. No one tried to help. The chase was only ended when a truck ran over the Houndour on the A52.

"You're too scared to attack me, Jack, you're a coward," continued Spike, a sadistic smirk on his face.

"Right, you asked for it!" growled Jack, marching towards the abomination in front of him, with his fists raised, but Luke held him back.

"Go on Luke, let him hit me, he just wants to touch me," called Spike, still smirking. Jack saw red. If there was anything he hated more than Houndours, more than Spike, it was people calling him homosexual. He broke free from Luke's grasp, raised his foot, and kicked Johnny Spike in the stomach, sending him into the water. He was expecting to be mauled by the pokemon, but he wasn't. He looked at them, and saw Charlie, holding them back, a smile on his face, a smile that said "he deserved that".

"Thanks," said Jack.

"No problem," replied Charlie. Jack heard Cal, Adam and George shouting victoriously from the other pontoon, the regatta workers hadn't noticed. Jack reached into the water at the side of the pontoon, and pulled up a spluttering Spike by his collar.

"If you make anymore wisecracks," growled Jack, his face inches from Spike's, "I will make sure they never find your carcass."

"Ok," replied Spike timidly. His air of superiority had vanished. Jack could crush him. He dropped him back into the water.

"You can get yourself out," said Jack, grinning. He walked over to his boat, and got on, without falling into the water. Eevee,
Luke and Pikachu followed suit.

"I don't care where we come," said Luke, "as long as we beat him. He needs to fix his ego."

"Taken care of," said Jack, smiling.

"That was brilliant Jack," came George's voice on the walkie-talkie, "I've been waiting for you to do that for a long time."

Just then, the man from the ticket stand walked onto the middle pontoon. All the other racers, including a shivering Spike, got into their boats.

"Can you please make your way to the start line, the race will begin in a minute," said the ticket man, gesturing to a wire line, twenty feet above the water.

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

Chapter 16- That sinking feeling…

The man on the Pontoon started to speak,
"Right, the race will begin when the klaxon sounds. The finish line is where those buoys are," he gestured to two oranges buoys bobbing around in the water, right at the other end of the regatta. It was quite a long way. "And also, if you don't mind, when you've finished, could you move the boats to the left side of the regatta, so we can load them onto the truck. Pokemon can be used to assist you in any way you like, as long as it does not interfere with the other racers."

Jack nodded with the others, but was struggling to remember what the man had said.

"Ready," shouted the man, jamming his fingers in his ears, "GOOOOOOOO!" And in the distance, though still quite audible, a shrieking klaxon, echoed across the regatta. Jack and Luke started paddling immediately, though all the other teams were slightly stunned by the klaxon. Nevertheless, they started eventually, but not before 'Thunderburke 4' had a commanding lead. The reason for this was simple; Jack and Luke, realising what would come next, had covered their ears, just before the horrendous noise. No one else had done so, and they paid the price.

"Are you sure you're going to be alright Jack?" asked Luke, about 500 metres into the two kilometre race.

"Yeah, I'll dry off," replied Jack, "besides, I'm used to this. Remember Holme Pierrepont 2005?"

"How could I forget." Jack had ended up underneath an upturned canoe, held there by his lifejacket. He had had to take it off, to get out. "You know what," Luke continued, looking behind, "I think we're the only team only using manpower."

Jack turned around, to see if Luke was right. Team one had a Marril and a Totodile pulling them along, but the trainers would only occasionally paddle. Team two had three birds, a Starly, a Spearow and a Taillow, tied with a rope which had been procured from unknown sources, hauling them down the raceway. Spike's dog pokemon were towing his team, while Charlie paddling and Johnny sitting back, relaxing. 'Thunderburke 5' had Adam's Squirtle dragging them along, but all three human occupants were paddling too. And they were gaining on Jack and Luke.

Jack turned back forwards and said,
"I guess you're right, but our pokemon aren't exactly suited to water."
Then he noticed something, and for the first time since the race began, he stopped paddling. He had seen something disturbing.

"What's wrong Jack," asked Luke, seeing this.

"We're taking on water," replied Jack.

"What?!" Luke stuck his head past Jack's shoulder, causing the boat to sway slightly, and 'Thunderburke 4' ground to a halt in the centre of the raceway. Jack and Luke continued to stare at the discovery. A crack. Five centimetres long and a centimetre wide, in the front of the hull. No wonder there was fifteen centimetres of water in the bottom of the boat.

"Full speed ahead," said Jack, ten seconds later.

"What. Why?" asked Luke, confused.

"If it's only leaked a little bit since we started, we might as well finish. We might Win!" replied Jack.

"Ok," said Luke, still unsure.

"Can you two," Jack said to Eevee and Pikachu, who were sitting on one of the plank seats, "use these," pulling out two small cups from his bag, "to bail the water over t'side?"

"Eee."

"Pi." The two replied, nodding. Jack held out the cups. Pikachu took it in his forepaws, and Eevee gripped the metal rim with her teeth.

"Come on out Chikorita," said Jack. Chikorita materialised in a flash of light, and smiled expectantly at Jack. "Can you help t'others bail using your leaf?" he asked, "I haven't got anything else for you to use."

"Chiko," she replied, still smiling, and together the three pokemon began to remove the water. Pikachu was doing it quickly, but spilled quite a lot of water back into the boat. Eevee was being a bit slow, but spilled nothing, and Chikorita was hampered by mobility issues. Her tiny paws kept slipping on the wet hull. Jack and Luke began paddling with all their might for the finish, and they quickly regained the lead they lost while sorting out their problem.

Soon enough, they were 100 metres from the finish line, but Jack noticed something strange. There was no more water coming into the boat, and the water already in the boat had been thrown overboard.

"I think the leak's plugged," he said, bending down to get a closer look. They were 150 metres ahead of 'Thunderburke 5', their closest opponents, so he had time. He tapped at the crack, to make sure. No sooner than he had done that, the crack trebled in size, and water started gushing in.

"****," he swore, "paddle for your ****ing life." He had just remembered that they had not been given lifejackets.

"Why?" asked Luke.

"I accidentally made the hole bigger," replied Jack, and they powered to the finish.

About a minute later, another klaxon sounded. They had won! But there was a problem.

"Chikorita, return," said Jack, and she disappeared in a red beam, as the water in the boat, neared the top. Jack and Luke had both put their bags on, thinking that there might be some buoyancy in the empty drinks bottles. Pikachu and Eevee had stopped bailing in futility, and clung to the bags, for they were poor swimmers. They could, just not well enough to get them back to land.

Second later, 'Thunderburke 4' disappeared under the waves, and the trainers were forced to tread water.

"D'y'know," said Jack, "this is t'second time I've been in the water already?"

"Just head to land," replied Luke wearily, and he began to swim to the water's edge. Jack followed suit, hoping to get his lunch quick, he was really hungry.

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

To all it may concern,

Do not worry if it seems a long time since I posted. I only write when I have a good idea ofr my story, and when I have the patience to type for two hours. I will continue my story, and my bit on 'Secrets of Legendaries', but it may happen a couple of times a week.

Sorry if I had you scared,
President Showaddywaddy

 

[-Jinx-]

And also, I've always done dialogue like that on writing.com, people there didn't seem to mind.

To all it may concern,

Do not worry if it seems a long time since I posted. I only write when I have a good idea ofr my story, and when I have the patience to type for two hours. I will continue my story, and my bit on 'Secrets of Legendaries', but it may happen a couple of times a week.

Sorry if I had you scared,
President Showaddywaddy

That's not the point. Just because the people on one website don't notice your grammar mistakes doesn't mean we don't. Someone already informed you of your mistake. And here you are ten chapters later still doing it.

"For each new character speaking"

"You should always leave a space between the dialog."

"It helps make it easier to read."

"And keeps the page nice and clean."

See! Just like that.

Writing shouldn't be a chore for you. You don't need to write the story all at once either. If you run out of spare time while you're writing just save your work and continue it later. Personally I always have my writing pad open while I'm surfing the Internet and doing my work. If I happen to think of something I'll write it down. My stories don' take just an hour or two to write. And I can't say that I've known any good writer who just sits down and writes their entire chapter in one sitting (Unless of course they have some super charged inspiration or something. Theres always an exception to this I'm sure.) You really need to slow down and revise your work. If it only takes you two hours chance are it's not very good to begin with. ​

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

I've fixed all the problems. If anyone's got any more problems, send me a PM.

By the way jinx, your first quote was from a month ago, and Hanako Tabris already pounced on the opportunity.

And also, I do enjoy writing, there are just two things I don't

1) People (I call them anoraks) who go through every story with a fine toothed comb, nitpicking at every little detail, without saying any good points. This is why I like Hanako, because she does go through, and puts in constructive criticism, but she also puts in a little something, to make you feel proud of. Something that was a good point. If you just go in with the criticism and the hate, I just stop writing because I flake and loose my confidence. Also, every school which I have been to has pressed into my mind that I shouldn't leave lines when people are speaking. Now, who am I supposed to listen to? The teachers who are supposed to prepare me for British life, or strangers who I've never heard of before? Actually, I might not answer that one, given the fact that I'm currently refusing to go to my school because they refuse to deal with the bully that stalks me.

2) Writing isn't a chore, but typing it sure is. The fact is that I can't touch type, and it's agony having to write 1000+ words if you are a slow typer. I would be a lot happier if I could write it normally with a pen, but that'll never happen.

Sorry for wasting, what appears to be, everyone's time,
President Showaddywaddy.

 

[Astinus]

>>; Not a review, sorry.

But I'm just pointing out that -Jinx- is saying that even though I pointed out your dialogue mistakes, there are still quite a few. You have switched your placement of the comma and quotation marks, but there's still the matter of correctly capitalizing. I stress again to take a look at my Grammar Advice thread to get a better grasp of dialogue.

And I feel I should apologize, actually. I should have known that the way you punctuated dialogue in the way I called out was the British way. Now that I think about it, I remember reading that the British punctuate their quotes differently. I shouldn't have forced you to change the way that you learned to my way, when both ways are actually correct.

I'm not going to say when I'll review this, because I have very little time to do so, but do expect at some point a review from me.

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

Now that I think about it, I remember reading that the British punctuate their quotes differently. I shouldn't have forced you to change the way that you learned to my way, when both ways are actually correct.

Does this refer to the 'new paragraph when someone's speaking' thing?

If so, should I close up the gaps I put in yesterday?

 

[~Swish~]

Yay! A fellow Brit! Really enjoying it so far, keep it up! I'm not very clued up on Nottingham and its surroundings, but I know a little bit as my ex girlfriend lives in Melton Mowbray.

I'm from Oxford myself :D

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't include that much description about Nottingham, yet. It would be a great city if it weren't for the urban wasteland of St Anns. Another thing about Nottingham,

A wise man once said

In Britain, you are never more than 72 miles from the sea.

It just so happens that Radcliffe on Trent is that spot, 72 miles from the sea.

One final word about the Midland Countryside

BORING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

Chapter 17- Cheap Bastards! (Sorry for swearing)

Jack swam after Luke to the pontoon, where they should have moored 'Thunderburke 4'. They climbed out of the water, and sat on the planks, trying to dry in the sun. Eevee and Pikachu shook themselves dry, and then joined their trainers.

"That went well," said Jack, smiling slightly.

"What!?" exclaimed Luke, one eyebrow raised.

"Compared with last year I mean," explained Jack.

"Ahh." Luke understood what he meant. In the time they had taken to finish that race, two years ago, they had capsized three canoes. Luke lay back on the pontoon, looking up at the sky. He noticed, a cloud, shaped like a sailing boat. He squinted, and saw it was tipping over. He quickly sat up again, and looked out over the water. 'Thunderburke 5' was crossing the finish line. Cal raised his paddle in celebration, and Adam recalled his Squirtle. George called out,

"Got a bit wet, I see," and looked straight at the trainers on land. They were still drenched from head to foot.

'Thunderburke 5' was manoeuvred closer to the pontoon, and Cal threw a rope to Jack.

"Can you tie us on?" he asked.

"Fine," replied Jack, and he tied the canoe onto the metal hook, jutting out from the wood. The three occupants climbed out of it gingerly, hoping not to fall in. Much to the dismay of Jack and Luke, they remained dry.

"What happened?" asked Adam.

"To what?" countered Jack.

"Your boat. One minute we saw you paddling merrily along, the next you're bobbing about in the regatta, and no boat to be seen."

"Yeah, well, there was a hole in it, and it sank as we crossed the line."

"Hold on a minute," butted in George, "if you crossed before us, and no one else is here, we're up a hundred and fifty quid."

"That's right," came a voice. They looked around and saw one of the workers from earlier hurrying towards them. "Well done boys," he said, "now if you could make your way back down to the start line, the sailing race will begin in about half an hour."

"But what about our food?" enquired Luke.

"Oh, yes, erm, here it is," he replied, taking five small plastic boxes out of a large rucksack, and handing one to each of them. Inside was a pair of cheese sandwiches, a small packet of mini cheddars, a 250ml bottle of water, and a small sachet of dried pokemon food. The man then quickly walked further along the pontoon, and the trainers thought it was so they didn't have time to shout at them. But then they saw that further don the pontoon, another team had landed. It looked to be a trio of siblings, and all of them, even the girl, were wearing black and white striped football shirts.

"Ohh god, County fans," said Jack under his breath, and he began to quickly walk back down to the start line, motioning for the others to follow him.

As they walked, they started to do a great British pastime. Moan. Particularly, about the pitiful meal they had received.

"How can they give us something this small?" complained Adam, "I didn't even know they made bread this titchy." He was looking at the sandwich in the box, which looked half the size it should have been.

"Or that pokemon food could be sold by the pellet," added Luke, pressing the sachet of pokemon food in between his thumb and index finger. There couldn't have been more than five cubes of foodstuff inside the wrapper.

"Look, I know the food isn't good, but we just took £150 out of these people, so they're bound to be skimpy on the food," said Jack, and the others, reluctantly, agreed. They began to eat it, but they walked at the same time. If they had to walk the two kilometres back in less than half an hour, they couldn't stop for lunch.

Eevee, Pikachu and Squirtle were somewhat annoyed by the tiny portions.

"Come on Eevee."

"Please Squirtle."

"Just eat it Pikachu, for me."

But all three refused to eat the food, and their trainers could hardly blame them. The cubes actually looked mouldy. And then they found out why.

"Expiry date: fourth of February 2006. That's nearly two years ago." Jack had found the expiry dates on the packets. All three apologised profusely to their pokemon, while Cal and George looked on, sniggering slightly.

"Well what are we going to feed them?" wondered Adam, as they neared the Start line.

"Hang on," said Jack, remembering something. He had a few apples in his bag, and when he rummaged through it, he discovered that all the objects inside were bone dry.

"Must be waterproof," he remarked, "here you go," and he lobbed each of the respective trainers an apple, which their pokemon ate with gusto.

As they reached the start, they noticed something different from the last race. The boats weren't old and rotten, but new and made of plastic.

"Teams four and five, is it?" said a wispy old man in overalls, who they took to be the one supervising the race.

"Yes," they chorused back.

"Right, you can pick any boat you want," replied the old man.

Jack and Luke chose the most modern looking of them all, and Adam, Cal and George took one of similar design.

"This time, nothing is going to go wrong," stated Jack.

"Don't say that!" exclaimed Luke.

 

[Astinus]

Does this refer to the 'new paragraph when someone's speaking' thing?

If so, should I close up the gaps I put in yesterday?

Actually, I meant the commas on the outside of the quotation marks, like you had in your first few chapters. ^^ I remember reading in one of my grammar books that that was how the British write their quotes. It was a piece of information that I haven't been able to find again, so it slipped out of my mind. But somehow, it came back when I read your post.

But you should keep the "new paragraph when someone speaks" thing. It makes your story easy to read.

I glanced over your recent chapter and saw that you have improved grammar-wise since I first saw your writing. I'll even say that it seems as if you improved on other parts as well!

2) Writing isn't a chore, but typing it sure is. The fact is that I can't touch type, and it's agony having to write 1000+ words if you are a slow typer. I would be a lot happier if I could write it normally with a pen, but that'll never happen.

I agree with you so much right here. I love writing with a pen and paper, but typing a story just seems like work. Strange, isn't it? xD

Since you're at seventeen chapters, I'll just say that it'll take me a while to catch up on your story to leave you a review. Like I told others in the Lounge, it'll be until next month when I can get back to reviewing as well as I did. So expect a review from me in December!

 

[Duncan McNeil]

Okay, for one this is too short. Chapters should be much longer. This chapter was decent, but more length is still needed.

Description also leaves a lot to be desired. Like here:

Jack swam after Luke to the pontoon, where they should have moored 'Thunderburke 4'. They climbed out of the water, and sat on the planks, trying to dry in the sun. Eevee and Pikachu shook themselves dry, and then joined their trainers.

That one paragraph would have been much better with more description. Slow down and describe the surroundings. It helps.

"Come on Eevee."
"Please Squirtle."
"Just eat it Pikachu, for me." But all three refused to eat the food, and their trainers could hardly blame them. The cubes actually looked mouldy. And then they found out why.

This is a spacing issue. It helps a lot when you remember to double space.

Heh, sorry of this just sounds like a lot of complaining. Don't get me wrong, this isn't bad. But description just needs a little help. Keep working at it and try to slow down when you write. Read the paragraph aloud. Are you saying everything you want to say? Are you giving the reader a full description of everything? Simple questions like that can help a lot.

Story is okay, but not spectacular. That's probably because we're not all of the way in, though. I'm sure the rest of the story will be clear soon enough.

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

Chapter 18- Déjà vu

They sat, waiting in their boats for a good five minutes. The icy wind from yesterday was starting to pick up again. It was biting at their exposed hands, and making Jack and Luke's wet clothes almost freeze. To pass the time, Jack and Luke started to check that their boat was ship shape. Jack was standing at the bow, checking the sails, when he saw something travelling along the track that brought them to the boats, throwing up a large cloud of dust. He whipped his glasses out of his pocket, and was taken aback.

"Do you see what I see?" he asked Luke, and pointed in the direction of the object.

Luke turned and squinted at it, his forehead crinkled. It was a minibus. A minibus, with the other competitors inside. It got closer and closer, scaring some signets that were on the track, back into the water. After a minute, it stopped, and the passengers filed out. The fat man from earlier, got out of the drivers' door, and waved at them.

"Why didn't you wait, we would have taken you back here," he said jovially, forgetting what had happened at the other end of the regatta.

Jack sulkily turned back to the sails. Lucky bastards, he thought.

"The race'll start once these lot have got their boats," he continued, and started directing the other teams to their boats. None of the five saw this, as they were trying not to look at them. Eventually, a voice was blasted out of a megaphone,

"PLACES PEOPLE. THE RACE IS ABOUT TO START!!"

Almost simultaneously, all five boats, pushed of from the pontoon, and glided to the start line, making small bow-waves. On 'Thunderburke 4', Luke was controlling the sail, and Jack the rudder. As they drew close to the line, Jack said to Luke,

"Let go of t'rope."

The rope was what controlled how taut the sail was. If it was released, all tension would go, and the boat would stop. This does create a problem, though. No sooner had Jack finished speaking, the boom of the sail, smashed into his head with a faint 'clang'. Jack raised his left hand to where he had been hit, but kept his right on the rudder. The spot seared with pain as his hand clasped it, and his eyes went out of focus for a few moments.

"Are you alright Jack," asked Luke, concerned.

"I'll be fine," replied Jack.

Jack was used to things striking his head, and this was by no means the worst incident. He shook his head quickly, and all was well. Even the pain went away slightly. But it was replaced by ear ache when the megaphone sounded again a few seconds later.

"YOU WILL NOW RACE TO THE END OF THE REAGATTA. AT THE END OF IT, YOU WILL FIND SOME CARTS. YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR BOAT INTO SAID CART, AND PUSH IT TO THE TRENT. WHEN YOU GET THERE YOU MUST PUT IT INTO THE WATER, AND SAIL TO GUNTHORPE. WE HAVE CONSTRUCTED A PONTOON THERE, AND YOU NEED TO MOOR THERE TO FINISH."

Jack's ears were ringing after this speech, and he realised the enormity of the task ahead. Gunthorpe was about ten miles away. Jack stared out at the murky brown water before him, debating whether this was a good idea. But he snapped back to reality, by the klaxon. The shrill sound pierced the air as clear as a bullet piercing skin. Luke pulled down on the rope, and they were off.

The boat was tossed about violently in the wind, and Jack had to dodge the boom another three times in the first minute. After that though, the wind died down, and the water was much calmer. The boat cut a clear path through the water, and that meant that Jack and Luke were in the lead. Jack looked back, and saw that the other teams were using their pokemon as before, to help their craft along. But it was no use, and once Jack and Luke got over 100 yards ahead, they stopped looking back. They faced the bow, and saw that they were near the end of the regatta.

The carts that they had to load their boats into, were old wooden ones, with almost square wheels, and peeling paint. Jack and Luke didn't moan though, because they were expecting something like this, and manoeuvred into the shallows. Jack and Luke stepped off into the water. This time, the cold only stung for a second, before they got used to it. They started to lift the boat and pull it out of the water at the same time.

"I thought it would weigh more than this," commented Luke, pushing on the left, and he was right; the boat was a lot lighter than it looked.

"It's probably because it's made of plastic," said Jack, heaving on the right, and the boat slowly rose out of the water.

The carts were low flatbeds, and therefore were quite easy to put the boat onto. However there was something that the boys forgot about, as they lowered the craft onto it. Both were in the middle of the boat, looking at the front, making sure they didn't hit the one side the cart had. As a result, they never saw what was going on at the back.

There was small squeak of wet plastic on wood, and then a metallic sound. Jack and Luke looked back, and saw the carnage. The rudder was held on by four bolts. But because they had forgotten to raise it, it was the lowest point of the boat. It had taken all the strain of the descent, and three of the bolts had sheared, clean in two. They looked at each other, flabbergasted.

"Move it back, move it back," said Jack, and they pulled the boat backwards, so that the rudder overhung the flatbed.

They looked at the rudder. The four bolts were arranged in a rhombic shape, and only the one closest to the centre of the boat was left in one piece. The rudder plate, which the bolts held to the boat, was bent slightly. Jack pulled out one of the sheared bolts, and held the pieces to his face, which instantly fell.

"We're ****ed," he said to Luke, who began to fish something out of his bag.

"Maybe we aren't," he replied, and pulled out a roll of gaffer tape.

He then began to spread it over the plate which the bolts were in, and taped it back together. Jack stared.

"What are you doing?" he asked, incredulous. There was nothing short of a garage that could repair the damage.

"Fixing it," replied Luke, now applying a third layer.

"But that stuff comes off in water, and this is a boat," stated Jack.

"And, it's worth a shot," said Luke, finishing off his bodge-job

Jack made a noise somewhere between a snort and a laugh.

"I'll give you ten quid if that stays on."

Jack did what he should have done before, and raised the rudder. It seemed so simple when he thought about it. Then they heaved the boat forward on the cart, and started to push it to the River Trent. The Trent was a couple of hundred yards away, and there was no direct track to it from where they were. All there was, was a small wood and slightly wet grass, with a few desire lines in it. Jack looked back one last time, and saw that Adam, Cal and George, and the Spike brothers, were about to attempt putting their boats on the carts themselves.

"Move, quick," he said to Luke, and they did, they had to preserve their lead.

(Is this any better Duncan?)

 

[Duncan McNeil]

(Is this any better Duncan?)

Yes it is. I've got to say, this is quite a bit better than the last chapter. Nice job. *end review*

Ah, just joking.

They sat, waiting in their boats for a good five minutes. The icy wind from yesterday was starting to pick up again. It was biting at their exposed hands, and making Jack and Luke's wet clothes almost freeze. To pass the time, Jack and Luke started to check that their boat was ship shape. Jack was standing at the bow, checking the sails, when he saw something travelling along the track that brought them to the boats, throwing up a large cloud of dust. He whipped his glasses out of his pocket, and was taken aback.

Good description here. It really shows that you've improved (since the last chapter. XD)

The boat was tossed about violently in the wind, and Jack had to dodge the boom another three times in the first minute. After that though, the wind died down, and the water was much calmer. The boat cut a clear path through the water, and that meant that Jack and Luke were in the lead. Jack looked back, and saw that the other teams were using their pokemon as before, to help their craft along. But it was no use, and once Jack and Luke got over 100 yards ahead, they stopped looking back. They faced the bow, and saw that they were near the end of the regatta.

Not a huge deal, but this probably should have been spaced out more.

There was small squeak of wet plastic on wood, and then a metallic sound. Jack and Luke looked back, and saw the carnage. The rudder was held on by four bolts. But because they had forgotten to raise it, it was the lowest point of the boat. It had taken all the strain of the descent, and three of the bolts had sheared, clean in two. They looked at each other, flabbergasted.

This bit was a little confusing to me. I haven't been around many boats and neither have a lot of people. So it'd probably be best to dumb this down a little so that it's easier to understand.

President Showaddywaddy (yikes you need a shorter name), I'm impressed. True, this isn't perfect. But the amount of improvement that you've done is quite impressive. Keep this up and you'll have an awesome fic on your hands.

 

[Alter Ego]

Okay, I've finally managed to catch up and after this strenuous task I'm going to start by actually contradicting an earlier reviewer. Now jb suggested that you post one chapter a day, but that pace - with no disrespect for the reviewer in question - can only be described by three words:

Pretty. Freaking. Insane.

Once a day is all well and good if you're writing a three-panel comic strip, but for fanfiction that's just not going to work. Now writing a whole chapter in one sitting can be done, but that doesn't mean that you should post it immediately. I know it calls for self-restraint, but once you have finished a writing spree, instead of posting it as a new chapter, save it on a text document and let it stew for a while then come back to read it with fresh eyes. Not only is this a world of help in catching typos and grammatical mishaps; it also lets you read your own fanfic from a viewpoint closer to that of your reader. This makes it a lot easier to spot the places that need more description or sound awkward and it also helps in determining whether your chapter is saying everything you want it to say. In addition, even the best ideas tend to grow and develop with time, so slowing your tempo is worth it from a pure quality perspective as well. I myself have written a number of things (In RP posts, mind you, but the principle is much the same) and gone back the morning after wondering what the heck I was thinking and lamenting why I didn't go with the lovely idea I got into my head while mulling over that post after making it. What I've read this far is enough to tell me that you have the creativity and writing skill to develop on what you've got, but whenever I reach such a spot it tends to be followed by something that seems written solely for the purpose of moving the story along to the next highlight. Going over each chapter multiple times is an excellent way to patch these gray areas up.

There's also a far more practical reason for slowing down on the tempo: reviewer sensitivity. Now most of us really want to help you improve as a writer, but there are many authors clamoring for reviews here and most of us have lives outside of the section too. As such, reviewers have to prioritize. Now put yourself in the position of your average reviewer and ask yourself which fic you would rather follow up and review on a regular basis: a slowly-developing fanfic, currently of three chapters' length, that is updated say once a week (assume that it has just been updated and won't do so again until next Monday), or an eighteen-chapter behemoth that updates daily - or sometimes multiple times a day - and is liable to grow a chapter or three in the time it takes for you to just catch up with it? I don't know about you, but few things kill my motivation for reviewing quite like having a new chapter pop up just when I think I've caught up and start typing the comments. So please, just take your time with each chapter and allow your creative process to live up to its full potential.

Now, a second point: be extremely vary of basing characters on yourself. There are a number of dangers associated with this; first off, if you're indirectly writing your own reaction to things you may end up giving the 'you' in the story an overly positive streak, sometimes even resulting in an acute case of Gary-Stu (a.k.a. Perfect Person Syndrome). Second, even if you steer clear from this, your readers may still get the impression that you character is a Gary-Stu because every time your character is exhibiting some good or admirable trait that translates into self-promotion (since the character, in a sense, represents you and thus you are doing the good/admirable/cool stuff); this tends to irk readers. I mean, no-one wants to read a book where the author keeps going on about what an awesome person he is, right? People tend to have more tolerance for a character who is recognized as purely fictional succeeding than they do for one which they equate with the writer. You should also be aware of the fact that if you admit to one character in the fanfic being based on a real world person, your readers may start drawing similar conclusions about others. You mentioned having problems with a bully and soon after Jack shows off a bully by kicking him? Regardless of whether it's really there or not, people will draw the parallel.

While we're on the subject of Gary-Stuness, there are a few alarming cases within the fic. The most alarming one is when Eevee - at a single glance - determines that Jack is "one of the few trainers who treat pokemon as friends, not tools.". Now part of this can be related to Eevee's personality, but this did trigger my Gary-Stu alarm when I first read it. The fact Jack had yet to exhibit any serious flaws at that point didn't help the impression either. I'd advise against making such strong statements lightly; a less extreme version would have gotten the point across without running the risk of over-glorifying Jack. There's also the way he has miraculously befriended two pokémon of such rare species. The Chikorita took its sweet time, of course, and judging by his general behavior Jack seems to get along well with pokémon in general, but I can't help thinking that a more common species would have been preferable. There's also the way he's looking a bit too superior to his four traveling buddies who have yet to catch anything or - aside from Luke's little sidekick act - even accomplish anything of note. Make sure to balance out the spotlight between the quintet; as it is, Luke and Jack are really the only ones who have gotten any serious plot significance.

Finally, linking back to the point about taking your time with chapters, I'd like to bring up the issue of information content. A number of the early chapters (particularly the first one) just really look like you sat down, wrote everything in one go and then posted is as a chapter when you didn't feel like writing anymore. As a general rule, each chapter should be a kind of entity of its own with a specific issue (or set of issues) it deals with, and these issues should, in turn, serve a specific purpose for your fanfic. Before posting a chapter you should always read it through and ask yourself two questions: "Does this contribute to the development of my plot?" and "Does this contribute to the development of my characters?". If the answer to both is 'no' then what you have written really isn't enough to constitute a chapter. Taking chapter one as a case in point, everything I've gotten to know is that the names of the main characters and that they're friends who are about to embark on a journey. All of this information could easily have been latched on to the next chapter and thus the information content of that chapter is not sufficient for it to stand on its own. You should also consider the ending and opening sentences of your chapters carefully. Because these are the first and last impression your chapter will give, they will gain additional importance. As it is, a lot of your endings look more like something I'd expect to see in the middle of a chapter, for instance:

"That's what I thought, we'll take it," Adam continued.

It's not like there's anything wrong with this sentence, but an ending sentence can be used to highlight a central point of the chapter, or - optionally - create anticipation for the next one. Taking an example from this May's fanfiction of the month:

It'll be only for a few days. It can't be that hard, can it?

See what I mean? Openings and endings have a huge impact on the reader's overall impression of the chapter, so always pick those carefully.


That being said, you have shown considerable improvement from the level of writing you started out at. Your description is still lacking in some places (especially environment. The only part of the UK I've ever seen is an airport terminal in London, so I'd appreciate a slightly more in-depth description) and I'd still like to see more content per chapter and a clearer point to each of them, but you're definitely heading in the right direction so don't be discouraged. You do have some good material here (like the way Luke came around to help his friend out) but I believe you have the skills to do a lot better if you really put your mind to it.

Now what I'm going to suggest will probably sound incredibly tedious, but I'd recommend going back and revising your earlier chapters with the experience you've gained in writing this and the reviews you've seen. New readers will presumably start at the opening chapter so it's a pity if they get discouraged just because the quality there doesn't match that of the newer chapters (I.e. they may give up on your fic before ever getting the chance to see what you can really do). Going back to the origins of your story may also inspire you to make use of something you've touched on in an earlier chapter or help you get a fix on what you should focus on with future chapters. (The ones who got the starter trio, and their pokémon in particular, could really use some more love right about now) Plus, it might be fun to go back and realize just how much your writing has changed.

Good luck, and hope this wasn't too much of an 'anorak' review.^^

 

[President Showaddywaddy]

AE, no that wasn't an anorak review. Hardly any grammar at all:)

Thanks for t'advice you two, it really helps. Two things I'm going to do.

1) I'll start updating weekly instead of every other day. Actually, since I've just started my GCSEs, this won't be much of a bad thing.

2) I won't be posting new chapters for a couple of weeks. I'm going to go back and sort out the other chapters. (There'll be a few modifications, starting with Gary-Stu ness)

Let me just thank you again. Unlike many people who comment on my work, you gave me something to feel proud of. Like I said before, people will just lose confidence if you go all out negative, you are great reviewers.

And now, to begin the task of sorting out the heap of rubbish that I call chapter 1.