Pressure(Writing Poems Again :P)

I've officially entered 'Poem of the Week!' with Painting.
Painting:
Spoiler:

Now for the next poem for this thread:
Listen closely, do you hear?
Look sharply, do you see?
Now do you feel my fear?
Now do you understand me?
Make your movements slow
Or it will no doubt go
at you for the kill
As murder is it's will
I showed you the horrid sight
Now you understand, right?
The panic I had wasn't crazy
It was you who's vision was hazy
You couldn't see the truth
But I've dragged you into my booth
But I shall not forgive you so fast
Let's consider this next action the past
For in two seconds, it'll be history
This is what you get for doubting me
Yes, I shoved you hard and clear
Though enough, the shove seemed meer
But now it sees you
This is what you get for not seeing me true
For declaring me insane
For causing all this pain...

<ty for the positive posts guys about the 'improving and stuff'. And ty for even bothering to post!>
 
Your rhyming is getting more cleverly written.

And you're welcome on the positive posts thing! :cer_smile:
 
I do prefer constructive critiscm over postive comments. Just saying! NEXT POEM(2-word challenge):

Blonde Hair
Blue Eyes
So Fair
So Wise
Single
Want To
Mingle
She's New
At School
Popular
And cool
Driven Far
To See
That Beauty
Maybe
Could We
Become
A couple?
 
Heheh, I found this one pretty funny. :cer_giggle:

The rhyming isn't quite perfect, but it was still fun to read (both in my head and out loud).
 
Now that you're getting better at rhyming (it's not perfect, but it's definitely an improvement), I'd like to see you write a poem where I can see you using other skills (alliteration, irony, simile, metaphor, personification, etc.). I love free verse, believe me, but try and mixing it up more like you did with this poem! I've never heard of two word challenges, but I liked it. Those short choppy sentences worked well with the tone of the poem, a guy (or girl, I don't judge) who's very nervous and shy around girls (that's what I got anyway).

Again, try and stay consistent with rhyming. Before you post a poem on here, read it to yourself and ask "does the rhyme stay consistent?" That way you won't have the hear be babbling on about the same thing ^^
 
More skills? Well, I really have no clue how to write a poem without rhymes. 0.o I need a bit of instruction on that. But, I think it'll be fun to challenge myself even more with....
HAIKU!!
I really don't know much about Haiku, I think it's 5 syllables, 7, then 5 again. Correct me if I'm wrong and I'll revise it

Spoiler:

And also....
NORMAL POEM!!
Spoiler:

Next, a...
TRIBUTE!!
Scythereen:
Spoiler:

TJGamer:
Spoiler:
 
I-I-I don't know what to say! I've never had a tribute poem before! I am flattered! And thus you are awarded an oatmeal cookie! -gives cookie-

I am also deeming that poem perfect, mostly 'cause it was about me ^^

And good try on the haiku. You had the syllable part down, the content however, a little mediocre. A haiku is supposed to reflect on a moment in time, that's why it's so short and sweet, it's reflecting on only one moment. I'd like to see you try again on the haiku.

And thanks again for my poem ^^
 
This is my haiku
I don't know how to write it
Confusing haiku
Click to expand...
It sure looks like you do.
Love it!
A fresh start!
---------
Your "NORMAL POEM!!" is pretty, pretty good! Nice work!
And you rhymed "explicit" quite well.
---------
I'm glad Scytheteen adores your poem about him. Good job!
---------
Oh my word!
Thank you so much!
I'm very happy to hear that I'm "fabulous and cool".
Great poem!
 
The others have done their appreciation part and l left me with nothing to say. xD

Just one note, don't capitalise words in the middle of your sentences like you've done here:
A final moment, A final breath
Click to expand...

And TJgamer, now you have two odes to yourself. XD Though this one technically isn't one. ;_;
 
@Scythereen and TJGamer
You're very welcome for the tributes, and you guys deserve it. By Scythereen's request here's my second try at Haiku:
Spoiler:

@Regeneration
Thanks for the comment. ;)

Now the real poem:
Spoiler:

I know, it's not my best, but it's still a poem nonetheless.
 
You've improves in leaps and bounds, darkpokeball! The haiku is a little rusty, I'm not sure if it's supposed to rhyme, but it's not big deal. It's pretty good! As for your other poem, I liked it! You have a pretty good rhyme scheme going on. Not perfect, but compared to your first poem, a definite improvement! Cheers!
 
You're doing better at Haiku.
Except I noticed that the word "everything" has 3 syllables, not 4. You should probably correct that.

Now the other poem.
Not your best, but certainly not your worst.
In fact, it's one of your better ones. I think the message is pretty convincing to others.
Good work!
 
TJgamer said:
You're doing better at Haiku.
Except I noticed that the word "everything" has 3 syllables, not 4. You should probably correct that.

Now the other poem.
Not your best, but certainly not your worst.
In fact, it's one of your better ones. I think the message is pretty convincing to others.
Good work!
Click to expand...
lol, I took Everything like:

Ev-Er-Ee-Thing as the pronounciation. Oops?

POEM:
"Drew, behind you!"
"This reality...true?"
"Drew, the zombies!"
"I know, I see..."
"RUN!!"
"Fighting would be fun."
"You'll get a bite!"
"Worth the fight."
"Drew, it's not worth it!"
"Just one single hit..."
"You'll freaking get bit!!"
"Lucy, get out of here."
"How can you have no fear?"
"I want to slice off their heads."
"You'll become a walking dead!"
"Lucy, listen. You need to leave."
"When you're dead...I'll just grieve."
"It's my last request."
"Please, fight your best."
"I might survive."
"Just stay alive."
"I'll meet you soon."
"This land of ruin..."
"Go...NOW!"
"Don't have a cow."
"Why aren't you running?"
"Your fight is cunning."
"Are you frozen in fright?"
"More like amazed at the sight."
"Lucy...."
"DREW! TO YOUR LEFT!"
Drew was bitten, Lucy wept.
This is the beginning of the end.
______
:P
 
This is probably your weirdest one thus far.
It's so random, yet it makes sense.
The rhyming is a little off rhythm, though it's acceptable.
Not too much poetic essence in it, but still very fun to read...or recite. :cer_wink:
 
Ok...
NEXT POEM!!
(This is based off of one of Shakespeare's works, Hamlet. I know it sucks, but I wanted to test out how it'd work.)
Instead of madness, I possess thee essence of sanity
Sweet Ophelia, though I act strange, don't let your sanity flee
I wish I could tell you of my father's ghost
But to madness, I am not it's host
There is a dirty traitor in this kingdom
But I still let sanity come and come
My name is Hamlet as it remains
Don't go mad, to my soul, it'd pain
But no matter what happens, I stay sane
NEW AND IMPROVED HAIKU
Blood drips from my knife
I have murdered my own wife
I have ruined my life
 
I always enjoy a taste of Shakespeare!
Nice job!

And the haiku poem.
Well, the word "ruined" has 2 syllables, not 1. But I understand that's tricky.
Aside that, I love the concept and clever rhyming!
Great job!
 
Dear Diary

Next poem...:
In the high school halls
Next to the bleak walls
He finally asked me out
He's what the world's about
I was so excited
To love I was invited
His name was Will
He gave me a thrill
So, tommorow
With no sense of sorrow
We'll watch a movie
Oh, it'll be groovy
----
Dear Diary
Will's so sweet to me
After that date
The world just seems great
----
Dear Diary
William
Runs my life's continum
I want to be with him forever
I hope we break up never
After this night
I'm under love's bite
----
Dear Diary,
How can this be
This dreaded night
We got in a fight
We broke up and left
Then I just wept
I wish I knew what to do
I thought our love was true
----
Dear Diary,
Will this pain end
Am I still me
Can this wound mend
----
Dear Diary,
Will went on a plane
I'd love to say 'we'
He's going on vacation
To have relaxation
In the Carribean
Where's my mind been
----
Dear Diary,
First time I wrote twice a day
There's a problem, not so wee
Will's soul has gone away
The plane has crashed
His body was mashed
He died painfully
And ever so brutally
----
Dear Diary,
Long time since I saw you last
These years have been passed fast
I wrote in you as a little girl
Now I'm a sick old lady about to hurl
I've been diagnosed with cancer
Extinguished are my dreams to be a dancer
Tommorow I'll have cytoreduction
Though I'd rather have execution
----
Day One,
Mom's life is done
She passed you to me
Oh, dear diary
As I read through you
My mom's memories are new
About a boy who she loved
Who went to the land up above
----
 
The structure is a tad off. And a few rhymes don't work too well.
However, the concept and story makes up for everything! It's so wonderful and touching to read.
Great poem!
 
darkpokeball said:
Next poem...:
In the high school halls
Next to the bleak walls
He finally asked me out
He's what the world's about
I was so excited
To love I was invited
His name was Will
He gave me a thrill
So, tommorow
With no sense of sorrow
We'll watch a movie
Oh, it'll be groovy
----
Dear Diary
Will's so sweet to me
After that date
The world just seems great
----
Dear Diary
William
Runs my life's continum
I want to be with him forever
I hope we break up never
After this night
I'm under love's bite
----
Dear Diary,
How can this be
This dreaded night
We got in a fight
We broke up and left
Then I just wept
I wish I knew what to do
I thought our love was true
----
Dear Diary,
Will this pain end
Am I still me
Can this wound mend
----
Dear Diary,
Will went on a plane
I'd love to say 'we'
He's going on vacation
To have relaxation
In the Carribean
Where's my mind been
----
Dear Diary,
First time I wrote twice a day
There's a problem, not so wee
Will's soul has gone away
The plane has crashed
His body was mashed
He died painfully
And ever so brutally
----
Dear Diary,
Long time since I saw you last
These years have been passed fast
I wrote in you as a little girl
Now I'm a sick old lady about to hurl
I've been diagnosed with cancer
Extinguished are my dreams to be a dancer
Tommorow I'll have cytoreduction
Though I'd rather have execution
----
Day One,
Mom's life is done
She passed you to me
Oh, dear diary
As I read through you
My mom's memories are new
About a boy who she loved
Who went to the land up above
----
Click to expand...

Wow! The content of this poem is simply phenomenal . I'd say that in terms of the content of your vast poetry, this is by far the best one you have written so far! The whole story of this young girl and her love, it's heart warming at first! You feel as though you love Will as well. You manipulate the reader's emotions beautifully! Then towards the middle when they break up, you feel as though Will has broken up with you as well! The reader can feel it, cause who hasn't been dumped? And then the twist at the end, completely unexpected. Speaking in terms of language, you definitely used a heck of a lot of pathos in this- using emotions to get across a message. And the flash-forward you used- beautiful. Simply amazing content!

But, yet again, we're back to the whole problem with rhyming. I can see you love to rhyme, and you can be quite good at rhyming words, but you're still not grasping then concept of consistency . You started out with one scheme, moved on to another, and then midway through the poem completely stopped rhyming, and then picked up a previous scheme again. If you can't find a consistent scheme to use, don't use one at all. I hate having to be annoyed by a poem with such beautiful content just because of a silly rhyme scheme.

But overall, a huge improvement from your original poems. Bravo, darkpokeball.
 
Scytheteen said:
Wow! The content of this poem is simply phenomenal . I'd say that in terms of the content of your vast poetry, this is by far the best one you have written so far! The whole story of this young girl and her love, it's heart warming at first! You feel as though you love Will as well. You manipulate the reader's emotions beautifully! Then towards the middle when they break up, you feel as though Will has broken up with you as well! The reader can feel it, cause who hasn't been dumped? And then the twist at the end, completely unexpected. Speaking in terms of language, you definitely used a heck of a lot of pathos in this- using emotions to get across a message. And the flash-forward you used- beautiful. Simply amazing content!

But, yet again, we're back to the whole problem with rhyming. I can see you love to rhyme, and you can be quite good at rhyming words, but you're still not grasping then concept of consistency . You started out with one scheme, moved on to another, and then midway through the poem completely stopped rhyming, and then picked up a previous scheme again. If you can't find a consistent scheme to use, don't use one at all. I hate having to be annoyed by a poem with such beautiful content just because of a silly rhyme scheme.

But overall, a huge improvement from your original poems. Bravo, darkpokeball.
Click to expand...
A constant scheme seems easier if the poem is smaller. Dear Diary was pretty long, in my opinion. I'll try to keep a consistent scheme in this next one, though between entries it might switch. It's like a bunch of little poems that tell a story as one! Next Poem:

Day Two
Still feeling blue
Mother's dead
She never wed
I was adopted
Now I have nowhere
Since mom had no pair
What will happen to me
What will occur on day 3?
---
Day Three
In a foster home now
Opposite of glee
But I won't have a cow
---
Day Four
There's a cute boy here
I want to see him more
But I remember 'Will'
I don't wanna suffer love's gore
---
Day Five
How can I survive
I can't resist longer
On him, I thrive
But what if it's a wronger
---
Day Six
It's mom's birthday
Stupid Death's tricks
I wish she was with me
I'm in such misery
---
Day Seven
The boy's name is Kevin
He seems to like me too
But will love make me blue
I wish mother could guide me
What'll I do about Kevin Lee
---
Day Eight
Mom's death, I hate
I've finally moved on
To get this boy so great
---
Day Nine
This boy is fine
He likes haiku's
I'll write one
Nothing to lose
Soon it'll be done
And 'us' will've begun
---
Day Ten
This haiku in pen
Should win his heart
Since it's just art
---
Day Eleven
Gone is Kevin
He was adopted
But may as well been dead
I knew it'd end
To me, misery sends
I wish I'd never had love
That mom wasn't above
---
Day Twelve
Keven sent me a letter!
He says his life is better
But he still wants to see
The beautiful me
He did like me back!
Love, I do not lack!
I prepare to reply
A quick 'hello' and 'hi'
---
Day Thirteen
Kevin's family adopted me too
Since without me, Kevin was blue
I adore Kevin Lee Keene
---
Day Fourteen
Goodbye diary
I feel like a queen
I don't need you
If I've got Kevin Lee
---
End so far

Anyways, Fourteen was pretty off, as was thirteen. The whole thing was bit off balance, but since you guys liked the first so much, I figured I should write this one anyways! Hope you enjoyed it!
 
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