[Pokémon] Red

[kirbyxox]

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Chapter I: Birthday Present​

Red yawned and stretched; half asleep he stumbled over to his computer and booted it up. He gasped and double checked the date then punched the air and exclaimed, "Woo, I'm twelve today, finally I can start my adventure into the world.

I wonder which pokémon I should get, maybe bulbasaur, it's a lot easier to train but it's weaker. No, I know squirtle, because then I could ride it across great oceans. No charmander, definitely charmander, why swim across an ocean when you could fly over it and fly over mountains and up to the highest peak."

He sighed and stared into the distance, then his arm slipped of the desk and he jumped up excitedly, "presents!" He yelled and ran out of his room, past his mother's room and down the stairs.

"Mum, mum", he yelled excitedly, "I'm twelve, I'm twelve, I get to start my adventure today!"

"Yes, yes you do," his mum sighed, "but every child has to leave someday I suppose." She looked out the window for a second as if lost in thought then shook her head. "Well then, present time" she said and directed Red over to three large presents sitting on the table wrapped in abra and bellsprout paper.

Red hungrily ripped into them and stood back to look at his gifts. There was; a large red hiking bag with various pockets and compartments, a pair of bright red trainers and an all-weather sleeping kit. "Also I added some potions to your online account to help with you on your journey, do you like them?" His mum said.

Red stared blankly at the presents for a second then wrapped his arms round his mother, "thank you for all these amazing gifts" he said, a tear in his eye.

"Now you'd better be off", she said after he released her from the hug, "you're going to be late for Professor Oak."

"Of course", he exclaimed, "bye mum and, well, thanks."
He pulled on his new trainers, did up the laces, put the sleeping kit in his bag and slung it over his back. "Gotta' go, see ya'" he said and raced out of the house.

The morning sun was barely touching the tops of the trees and threw dancing shadows over Pallet town as he rounded a corner and, CRASH!

He hurtled straight into a small boy with spiky brown hair and a blue shirt. "Why don't you watch where you're going" he said rubbing his nose.

"Oh I'm sorry", said Red as they picked themselves up, "I was just so excited to get my first pokémon."

The boy stopped rubbing his nose and stared at Red intently, "First Pokémon you say, and you wouldn't happen to be getting it from my granddad, Prof. Oak would you?"

"Yes! I'm so excited, it's going to be amazing" Red said jumping up and down on the spot "are you?"

The boy stared at him for a second then stuck out his hand and smiled, "sure I am. Name's Blue, put it there buddy." Red shook his hand and they both walked round the corner and through the doors of the town's biggest building.

Inside it was hectic, there were people in lab coats running to and fro. The lab was filled with sorts of noises; people talking, pokémon making noises, machines whirring and an intercom bursting out announcements every now and again.

Red and Blue walked past some cubicles and Red peeked into a few. In one a female scientist was dropping several metal objects onto a pokémon shaped like a metal ball with two magnets on the side and a singular eye in the middle, it appeared to be making a giggling noise.

The other cubicle had a large, muscly, fluffy looking monkey like pokémon with a pig's nose. Two scientists were pushing oversized boxing gloves onto its hands.

"Red, over here" Blue called over to him. Red scurried over to the front desk and the receptionist looked up. "Ah, you must be the two boys the professor was expecting, second floor and third door on the left" she said before looking back down at the book she was reading.

"C'mon Blue", Red said speeding towards the stairs, "there's no time to waste."

He climbed two sets of stairs and speeded towards the door marked Professor Oak. He was reaching for the handle when the door opened catching him on the shoulder and pushing him to the floor. A man holding a bundle of bloody rags stepped out and hurried down the corridor.

Blue rounded the corner and, seeing Red on the floor, helped him up. "You okay, who was that?" "Dunno', but whoever it was they were in a hurry," Red said, brushing himself off.

"Ah, boys."

They looked through the door and saw a grey haired old man in a white lab coat and brown trousers. "So, ready to be registered as official pokémon trainers?"
"Yeah!" They said in unison. "By the way Oak, who was that?" Red asked.

"That young man nearly lost his zubat at Mt. Moon, he said something strange in the darkness snatched it up and tried to rip it apart. I barely managed to save its wing but couldn't save its ear and, as zubats rely on sound alone to guide them, it will probably never fight again." Oak saw the concern in their faces and quickly changed the subject, "anyway you needn't concern yourself with such things, let's get you two your first pokémon! Follow me."

The boys rushed through the door after him and stopped in awe. The room was full of scientific equipment, from wall to wall and in the middle of the room were three pens.

The professor picked up three poké balls and with a flick of his wrist released their contents into each pen. "These are the only three we offer to starter trainers, but you must choose which."

He brought them to the first pen, "this is charmander, the omnivore lizard pokémon. The fire on the tip of its tale grows when it is angered and shrinks when it gets sad or badly injured. Be careful never to get a charmander wet, if the flame goes out it can die. Also be careful, it may look cute but its claws are very sharp and it has a nasty bite." In the pen a lizard pokémon stood on two clawed feet. Its appearance could resemble that of a small velociraptor and its head kept flicking around as though it was constantly listening and when Oak started talking it turned its head on its side and stared intently at him. On the end of its tale a large flame flickered, completely obscuring the end of its tale. But the strangest of all were its eyes which looked like deep blue pools with no apparent iris or pupil, just one swirl of colour.

The prof. continued to the next pen and pointed to a blue turtle poking out of a bucket. "This is squirtle the tiny turtle pokémon, at the moment its shell is quite soft as it was recently born but as it gets older and trains more its shell will become an unbreakable fortress that it can retreat into and defend itself from enemy attacks. Squirtle are very good swimmers and can swim great distances without tiring out; unfortunately it is too small and weak to transport a trainer at the moment but could transport much smaller things." The squirtle lazed on its back and looked up at them whilst munching on a water lily from a small pile next to the bucket. Its brown shell looked almost like bone plates and its rough skin had a bumpy texture to it. Its stubby legs splayed out to either side of it and its beak seemed to shape a smile as it stared up.

Professor Oak brought them to the last pen and gestured to a group of plants and bulbs clustered around inside. "And finally bulbasaur the seed pokémon", "but where is it professor?" Red asked peering into to the plants. "Bulbasaur!" Oak snapped, "Come out right now, nobody likes a show-off and you have guests." At his words one of the larger bulbs started to wriggle and the dirt fell off it as a small green dinosaur like pokémon with a large green bulb on its back sprung up and stared around at them panting and holding a root in its mouth. "That's better", Oak said, "Now as I was saying, bulbasaur is the seed pokémon. The bulb on its back shares a symbiotic relationship that is beneficial for both, that is to say, the plant and the pokémon live in harmony. The bulb supplies it with nutrients from the sun and as the bulbasaur trains the bulb flowers." The bulbasaur made a yapping noise and jumped up on its hind legs, its front legs on the side of the pen and its tongue hanging out. All over its body were strange triangular dark green markings and inside its mouth were two small, sharp teeth.

The professor rounded on the two boys, "so, which pokémon will you pick? Bear in mind whoever you pick will be your partner and your friend for the long journey you are about to set off on. I don't mind who goes first."

"Blue stepped forward and said "I want the squirtle, that impenetrable shell sounds really useful."

"So be it" said Oak and pressed the button on the poké ball and squirtle and the squirtle dissolved into light and flew into the poké ball. He then handed it to Blue. As he took it the ball emitted a loud beep.

"That pokémon now officially belongs to you and cannot be used by any other person unless released by you via a computer. Also here are your five poké balls and your pokédex, the pokédex is a personal pocket encyclopaedia for pokémon, it also holds your identification as a trainer which has to be renewed every three years."

"Thanks gramps, this is going to be amazing" Blue said, clutching the poké ball in awe.

"How about you Red?" He asked, turning to Red. "Which one would you like?" Red took a deep breath, closed his eyes, stepped forward and said, "charmander."

"Are you sure?" Asked Oak. "Yes, why? Have I picked wrong - was I meant to pick bulbasaur?" He said franticly.

"No, no, charmander is a fine choice", Oak quickly said, returning charmander then handing it over and the necessary items.

"Now I want you both to listen. To catch a pokémon you must first weaken it then throw an empty poké ball at it whilst quickly pressing the button on the front. But remember, just because you caught a pokémon it does not automatically mean it will accept you as a trainer, you must first try to befriend it and win its trust."

He looked between them both then smiled and said "now why don't you two try out the power of your pokémon on each other, have a practice battle?" They both looked at each other then turned back to Oak, "yes!" They both exclaimed and punched the air.


Will post a second chapter later.
If anyone has any queries about this pokemon world please leave a comment.
Also if anyone has any feedback on my writing skills please leave a comment.
~ Will Piddington

Chapter II: A Promise​

The professor led them through to an adjacent room that had a small round stage in the middle with a large poké ball design on it.

"Stand on that stage and press the white button on the right poké ball to release your pokémon, it also helps in big battles to announce what pokémon you chose to bring out."

Red and Blue climbed up onto the stage and stood on opposite sides facing each other. "Go Squirtle." Blue yelled, releasing the blue turtle onto the stage.

"Go, err… Charmander." Said Red, releasing the red lizard onto the stage.

"Now try telling them which move to use!" Oak yelled up to them, "Their moves are listed in your pokédex's under Poké. But after a while you'll get so used to their moves you'll know what to say without even thinking."

"Ok, um, Charmander use scratch," Red stuttered.

The charmander darted forward on its fast strong legs and jumped past the squirtle which was now standing on its hind legs, and then it sprinted back to where Red was standing and faced Blue.

At first it appeared as though nothing had happened then Squirtle stumbled backwards and held its face where a light red line had appeared across its right cheek.

"Quick, Squirtle, tackle him." Blue commanded.

Squirtle shook its head then tucked itself into its shell and shot water backwards from its mouth to propel it right into Charmander's head causing it to snap back. Charmander staggered then sprung forward.

The battle continued with each side taking an equal amount of hits in but it was obvious Squirtle was losing.

Charmander staggered back from another hit and glared at Squirtle, "don't think you can win this" Red said, becoming more confident.
"I don't think he can take anymore" said Blue. Squirtle made a strange noise, took two steps forward and collapsed onto the ground.

"And the Red is the winner", said Oak climbing up to the stage, "now Blue your pokémon appears to be injured, to heal it you must bring it to the nearest healing machine. Usually these are found in Pokécenters in each town, fortunately I have one in the next room. It's the large square machine with slots for poké balls; just follow the instructions on the wall. Pokécenters are very useful, not only do they have a nurse to heal your pokémon but also they are open twenty four hours a day, every day. People in need of help go there so if you ever need help just go there and I'm sure the nurse or anyone else would be happy to assist."

"Sure thing gramps, be back in a sec' Red, then we can travel to Vermillion city together." Red nodded and Blue exited into the next room.

Oak grabbed Red's hand and pulled him back into the lab. "Red come in here quick, I need to ask a couple of things of you," he whispered.

"Sure what is it?" Red asked inquisitively.

"Firstly I would like you to watch out for Blue, he hasn't been himself since his father died, today when he was with you is the happiest I've seen him for a long time. So just stick together, ok?" Oak replied.

"Ok but I didn't know his father was dead."

"Yes but he wouldn't like me to tell you, I'm sure he'll tell you if he wants to." Red nodded thoughtfully.

"Good," Said Oak, straightening up, "the other favour I would like to ask of you is would take Bulbasaur for me, I can't keep him and this one doesn't seem to be very bright."

"Sure" said Red "I'd love to."

"Excellent, here he is" Oak said handing him a poké ball. They went back into the next room as Blue came out of the other room. "What were you two talking about?"

He asked cheerfully. "Where you two should travel next," Oak lied quickly. "Well you don't need to discuss that because me and my new buddy Red here are going to travel up the first route to Viridian city."

"YEAH!" Yelled Red.

"Hope to see you soon," Oak called out the door as they raced towards the stairs.

After they left He sat down on a lab chair and sighed. "I'm getting too old for this stuff. I hope Red will be okay, he really has no idea what he will have to face. And I hope Blue will be okay with him."

He sighed once more then got up and went back to his work.


Second chapter, I will add more whenever I can.
There was alot of foreshadowing this time, what do you think oak meant by that last bit?
~ Will Piddington

Chapter III: The Lonely Road​

Red and Blue stood at the gate to the first route. The dusty paths and brown scrubs stretched out before them and the path seem to go up a slight incline.

"This is it", said Blue, "If we take one more step we will have gone further than either of us have ever gone from home. Ok. After three." Red nodded. "One… two… Three." They both stepped forward.

The only thing that could be heard was the rustling of the trees in the wind, and then a leaf broke of its twig and slowly drifted down in front of the two boys.

"This is so exciting" said Blue. "C'mon, let's go." He raced on up the path and over the incline, out of sight.

Red smiled and walked amiably after him. When he got over the hill he could see Blue down by a large tree line and a young woman in a yellow tracksuit sitting on the ground clutching her ankle.

As he got closer he could hear how frantic the woman sounded. "… You help me, I was jogging through those trees there when I tripped on something and fell, twisting my ankle. And I dropped my keys as I tripped. I can't look for them in this state, could you and your friend help me out by finding my keys? I'm sure I can limp to Pallet town afterwards."

"Sure" said Blue, "me and Red here would be happy to help, c'mon Red, let's start looking", he said, diving into the trees.

Red followed him in and his vision was instantly obscured by leaves and branches. "Who'd have thought it was so dense in here", Red said to no one in particular.
"Blue, Blue!" He called out, steeling further into the undergrowth.

"Red be quiet and follow my voice" he heard Blue whisper.

"Where are you?" He whispered. "Over here."

Red followed the sound towards a particularly dense green bit of undergrowth and yelped when a hand grabbed his shoulder. "It's me you idiot" Blue whispered. "Look" he said pointing through some branches.

Red peered through and saw, lying on the other side, a large purple furry ball with patches of dried blood all over it. It seemed to breathing but very slowly and it was making a nasty rasping sound.

"It's a rattata, my mum's friend had one" Red said, "but it looks hurt I think we should catch it quick then we can take it to a pokécenter like Oak said."

"Ok. I got this." Blue said unclipping a poké ball from his belt. He pushed the white button and threw it towards the purple bloody bundle. There was a blinding flash of light and the rattata was gone, in its place sat the poké ball. It appeared to be shaking back and forth as though even in its damaged state the rattata was trying desperately to escape.

After about three shakes it stopped and a blinking red light appeared on top. "I think you should touch it" said Red, nudging Blue forward. Blue slowly walked up to it and gingerly touched it.

Instantly it emitted the tell-tale beep the poké ball in Prof. Oak's lab had emitted and Blue snatched his hand away as though burned. He then slowly picked it up and clipped it to his belt, "I'll call you 'Ratty'", he said to it.

"Real original", Red said and Blue closed his eyes and stuck out his tongue at him. Then he looked down and scooped something of the floor, "well I think that solves the mystery of the missing keys and what that woman tripped over.

"well done Holmes," Red said sarcastically, "But we need to get to a pokécenter quick."

They rushed out and over to the woman.

"Hello boys", she said sitting up straight when they approached but when she saw their troubled faces she asked, "What's wrong?"

"Well we found your keys" explained Red, "but there was a very badly hurt rattata and we need to get it to the pokécenter in Viridian quick."

"And he may not survive long", Blue chipped in and holding up his pokédex, "just look at his stats."

The woman took her keys and thought for a second, then she started rummaging around in the satchel on her shoulder. "Here take these potions in exchange for getting my keys", she said holding up three syringes of green fluid, "I got them to hand out as a promo for the pokémart where I work but you sound like you need them all."

Blue quickly released Ratty and took the syringes. The poor rat pokémon lay hugging itself with its little legs and shaking uncontrollably.

Blue quickly took all three syringes and injected them into the pokémon's tiny shoulder then picked her up in his arms and run with up the path with Red in tow.

"Thanks for all your help", Red called back as they sped off.

"You too", called the woman as she got up and started limping towards Pallet town.

"C'mon, c'mon" Red could hear Blue muttering under his breath as Ratty started to shake in his arms again.


Blue is really annoying, I keep typing Gary by accident.
Anyway third chapter, I wrote this whilst listening to Gorillaz.
Also I went back and changed a few things.
~ Will Piddington

Sorted out alot of grammar and spelling mistakes, also I made the layout easier to read.
Starting with the next chapter i'll be posting them in different boxes.
~ Will Piddington

 

[aspie3000]

I am enjoying reading this, I like that someone's doing a story about Red that's close to the games.

 

[kirbyxox]

Thanks, although I plan to make quite a few changes to the storyline of Red. When I finish this, i'll start Silver and link them somehow.

 

[bobandbill]

I'll just mention that you may want to change the way you're posting this story just to make it easier for potential readers. Firstly, you may want to keep chapters in separate posts rather than the first one (besides, if the story is long enough you'll eventually hit the character limit for posts).

But more importantly, you'd want to space out your story; as it is it's in a wall of text which is hard for some people to read, particularly for stories posted on the internet. In books it's fine but on the internet with computer screens which aren't good for the eyes in the first place... Mind you even in books a new paragraph is begun when it is needed which isn't done here. You'd want to hit enter twice whenever someone different to the last speaker talks or when a paragraph ends (or in general, when a new topic is being talked about), rather like how I do so in this post or how many other people post their stories here. Otherwise it's just too hard to read.

I'll also suggest proofreading for small errors in grammar: for instance:

He gasped and double checked the date then punched the air, "woo, I'm twelve today, finally I can start my adventure into the world.

I would suggest either changing the comma after 'air' to a full stop and hence 'woo' to 'Woo', or adding something after it (e.g. '...then punched the air as he exclaimed "woo, I'm...'). Otherwise it sounds like a strange merge of two sentences there. On that note - 12 as a starting age isn't one I heard of before, but why did you choose that as the age for trainers to go out and start their adventure?

"Are you sure?" Asked Oak. "Yes, why? Have I picked wrong was I meant to pick bulbasaur?" He said franticly.

You didn't do it other times so I guess it's just the odd mistake, but only use capitalisation for words after dialogue if it's the start of a new sentence (or a proper noun). 'Asked Oak' or 'He said frantically' doesn't work as separate sentences by themselves and are about how the dialogue was said and so should be combined with said dialogue and treated as one sentence with it, not two. I also feel that the talking is a bit too quick there in that the lack of punctuation around '...picked wrong was I...' doesn't quite feel right - I would have a hyphen there personally. Together with the spacing thing mentioned above then, the above should look like this:

"Are you sure?" asked Oak.

"Yes, why? Have I picked wrong - was I meant to pick bulbasaur?" he said franticly.

Bye the way Oak, who was that?" Red asked.

And there's some other small things here and there like this; should be by rather than bye.

Overall it's not bad though - I like how you have Blue being friendly with Red - it is an interesting taken there imo. I also in particular liked the description of the bulbasaur you used there and the characters seem pretty decently set up thus far. I've only read the first chapter and glanced at the second though due to the spacing thing there, so I'll read more once that's fixed up. And once I have more spare time too.

 

[kirbyxox]

1. I will add spacing as soon as poss.
2. My Pokemon Red booklet says, for some reason, that your character is 12 when he leaves home.
3. The bit with Red talking franticly was suposed to have a comma, don't know where that went but a hyphen sounds alot better.
4. Will change the 'bye' as soon as poss.
5. Proofreading write now (get it... I know, i'm sorry).
Thank you for taking the time to read some of the story, whenever I have to describe a pokemon I get my friend to draw some art of it and go from there. I will make these changes as soon as possible and hope you continue reading in the future.
Thanks this has been very useful.

 

[kirbyxox]

Chapter IV: Dreaming​

The nurse stared down at the counter twiddling her thumbs. She was bored
and it was nearly the end of her shift. She rose and walked over to the door.

It was nearly dusk as she turned a key in lock, locking the glass doors and pressing a button to bring the shutters gliding down. As she turned away something bundled into the shutter and started to hammer on the metal.

She sighed and pressed the button to bring the shutter upwards. "Hang on, hang on." she yelled through the glass at the small boy.

The boy continued beating on the glass frantically and pointing at a rattata under his arm, she looked closer then gasped. It was badly beaten up and much of its fur was missing.

Suddenly another boy hurtled into the first boy knocking them both into the glass. The nurse quickly unlocked the doors and the two boys fell through the door and onto the carpet.

"Now let's see what's wrong with this pokémon" she said.

The nurse rolled Ratty on to its side as it started to convulse and cough up blood.

"Can one of you fetch the silver gurney; this rattata's internal bleeding is starting to filling up its lungs and I don't think a healing machine will work." she said.

Red hurriedly wheeled a silver trolley over to the nurse and she carefully lifted the pokémon onto it.

"Chansey!" she yelled "get out here we have a dying pokémon",

Red looked over and saw a fat, squat pink pokémon waddle quickly out of a side door, it had pink 'dreads' on either side of its head and a short, stubby tail and on its chest was a pouch with various medical equipment sticking out.

"Wait here" the nurse said to Red and Blue and with a flourish of her white medical coat she disappeared through some double doors with Ratty and the chansey.

Above the door a sign lit up that said 'Operating'.
Red and Blue collapsed onto a white sofa and stared at the sign.


Red was in a very dark place. He felt around him and realized he was in a cave with a rocky floor and walls. Red started to feel along the wall until it appeared to end. He stumbled into the empty area searching for the continuation of the wall but couldn't find it and when he tried to retrace his steps he couldn't find his way back.

Panicking he started to walk slowly faster in one direction then broke into a run.It was not until he dodged around a stalagmite that he realised he could see. He looked around him till he saw the source of the light, a dim red glow coming from a tunnel to his left, and followed it down the tunnel. As the light got brighter the tunnel seemed to open up until suddenly he stumbled out of the end and he found himself looking across an impossibly deep chasm.

He strained to see the other side and where the light came from when he realised it was coming from below. Leaning over the edge and peering downwards he suddenly felt something shove him from behind and he began to fall. He tried to scream but there was no sound, not even crumbling stone or the trickle of a stream; it was deadly silent as he fell.

As he fell farther he could see red crisscrossing lines shooting back and forth like lightning, he fell through them and they seemed to swirl around him occasionally touching his arms or legs. Then he felt a voice, not a voice as such but a feeling and it seemed to say, "He HaS COmE TO uS, hE IS oNE."

Sweating, Red awoke with a start and sat up looking around him. He had fallen asleep on one of the comfortable white sofas in the pokécenter.

He looked over to where Blue was and found him missing, as well as his bag.
Red got up and glanced over to the double doors. The 'operating' sign wasn't on.

His heart stopped and he hurriedly made his way over to the doors hoping it was a good sign, then he heard a sobbing coming from a side door.

"Oh mew," he said as he quickly walked towards it, "please be okay."
He peered through and found Blue sitting on the floor with his back to the door.

"Blue", he said tenderly, "what's wrong?"

Blue quickly turned round and held out a small purple bundle.
Red tensed then looked at Blue's face, he was smiling and had tears in his eyes,

"He's fine, Ratty's fine."

As he said this the rattata squeaked and looked up, Red breathed a sigh of relief.

"My Ratty had so many odds against him and he survived", Blue exclaimed, "He's in, like, the top percentage of rattatas."

"That rattata sure is special alright", the nurse said as she walked in, "He just kept on fighting till we finished operating."

"Yeah, he's the best" Blue exclaimed as petted Ratty.

"I gather you're new to this whole training thing", she said, still smiling.

"We just got our trainer's licence from Pallet town" Red replied, "We were making our way to Viridian city when we found that rattata in a wood and Blue here caught it, we were hoping to make our way to Pewter city before nightfall but, well... " he said gesturing towards the window, in through which morning light was streaming. "We'll probably look round the town then head onwards."

"Well I wish you the best of luck, and take these for good measure" she said handing them each several sealed packets of potions and revives.

They said their goodbyes and stepped out into the morning light.
"Where to first," Blue said looking excitedly round at the buildings facing them.

Several people were bustling in and out of the shop fronts and to their left a man had set up a stall and was selling various bits of junk, although tthe gyms front was boarded up.

"I know," Blue said without giving Red time to answer, "Let's go in there."
Blue dashed of to a shop that's sign read Mr Kaminko's electronics with Ratty perched precariously on his shoulder.

Red sighed and followed him inside. It was very dark and musty inside and the windows were covered in soot. Red could only just make out the walls were stacked high with all kinds of strange contraptions that whirred and buzzed and beeped and an empty counter at the back.

Ratty sat on a shelf sniffing a red and pole labeled Poké Pole and Blue was peering under a tall black sheet that stood to one side.

"Who are you?" Said a stern voice making them both jump.

Red looked towards the end of the shop and saw a tall young man in a waist coat and striped trousers. His hair stood tall on his head and on his face he wore a pair of spectacles with a swirled pattern.

"W-we were just browsing," Red stuttered a little taken aback by the man's sudden entrance.

"Browsing... Browsing? By jove! Customers. I haven't had customers in years, I was going to move to Orre tommorow but mabye this will give me the bit of business I need to keep going," he muttered to himself, "Wait, wait. Where's there's smoke there's fire... Tell you what, you two boys can have one thing free, but on one condition. You must tell everyone you meet about this place."

They nodded and the man strode over to them and shook their hands, " Splendid, splendid! Now, introductions. As the shop name would suggest, I am Mr Kaminko and everything you see in this shop I have invented. Now, lets get to your gifts."

He started to stride up and down the shop throwing aside strange objects and opening boxes until finally he straightened up with a strange looking metal cap on his head. On top there was an antenna that seemed to be attached by only string and looked like it was about to fall off as it rotated round beeping.

"This little thing is called the thinking cap, It will let me know what each of you need most from this shop... and it also makes toast."

He stood there staring at them for a while nibbling on some toast that seemed to have appeared from nowhere when suddenly he looked directly at Blue and dropped his toast, "I know exactly what you need," He said, striding over to the tall thing under the cloth.

He pulled back the cloth revealing a tall pedestal with a bulky metal box on top.
The man pressed a button on the front then dialed a code into the keypad on the front before pulling the door of the box open with a heave.

A hissing noise came out and smoke started to float upwards as he reached inside and pulled out a small metal ball. half of it was a bronze but the other half was a yellow cloudy glass and on top a cog stuck half way out.

Mr Kaminko handed it to Blue, "It's the Perpetual Illumination Ball, or PEB for short," he said proudly.

"Wow, what does it does?" Blue asked.

"Haven't the foggiest," He replied and turned to Red.
"Now you've been having bad dreams haven't you? I know exactly what you need."

He reached up to the highest shelf on his wall and pulled down a small round piece of wood with pieces of string wound round it in a criss-cross fashion and pidgey feathers hanging of the bottom of it.

"This," he explained, "Is a dream catcher. If you hang it up before you go to sleep it catches all the bad dreams and lets only the good ones through."

He handed it to Red and Red thanked him even though he thought this it was a bit childish.

Meanwhile Blue had been fiddling with the ball when he turned the cog on top and a blinding light burst from the ball illuminating the entire shop and causing everyone to cover their faces and drop to the ground.

Blue felt around till he found the cog and turned it the other way causing the light to dim but still letting some out.

"Woah, that was amazing," He said, wide eyed.

Red quickly apologised to Kaminko and thanked him for the gifts then hurried Blue out of the shop, Ratty once again perched on his shoulder.

After they had stocked up on supplies and had a quick look at the stall, Red and Blue set off up the path to Viridian forest.

As they rounded a bend in the path a balding man in a black shirt came running up to them. He sped up to them and held out his arms to stop them from passing.

"You shall not pass!" He shouted, "This is my road!"

As they looked at each other a young woman hurried up the road.

"Gramps, gramps," she called "Leave them alone, look i've got your drink."

The old man dropped his arms and raced past them taking a cup out the woman's hands and gulping it down.

"I'm really sorry about that," the woman said, "He gets cranky in the morning if he hasn't had his coffee, you two had better go before he has another one of his moments."

Red looked at Blue and caught him twirling his finger next to his head and spinning his eyes. He gave him a stern look but when they carried on up the road they both broke into laughter.

"What a cool town" Blue laughed, "Pity the gym was closed though."

Sorry for not adding for ages I have been VERY busy with college and my social life but I hope to add to this more often in the future.

Update time! Thank you psyanic for proof checking I have changed alot and added some things as well. Wow, two references in one chapter, i'm very sorry I just couldn't resist them.

 

[psyanic]

So, this is a journey take on Red and his adventures through Kanto with Blue, and they're best friends? Not exactly best friends, but you know what I mean. I always liked fanfics that follow the games, it's nice to see how the writer deviates from the games.

The nurse stared down at the counter twiddling her thumbs. She was bored
and it was nearly closing time. She quickly stood up and walked over to the door.

Nothing wrong here really. I just wanted to point out the quickly in this sentence since it's almost closing time and she shouldn't be in a rush, should she? I mean, there could be some late-night accidents occurring. Come to think of it, Pokemon Centers don't even close. They're just like normal hospitals, unless this Nurse Joy was ending her shift or something. Well, nothing wrong then.

The boy continued beating on the glass franticly and pointing at a rattata under his arm, she gasped and did a double take. It was badly beaten up and much of its fur was missing.

The first bold is a spelling error, since it is correctly spelled as "frantically." The next part, why would Nurse Joy do a double take? She is a nurse, so seeing injured Pokemon shouldn't be anything new to her. Unless she's fresh from medical school, then she'll be calm and will handle the situation.

Suddenly another boy bundled into the first boy knocking them both into the glass.

I can se what you're trying to do in this sentence, but I don't think bundle is a good word for this situation. I just don't like the world bundled. Try using "ran into" instead. It kind of helps with the next sentence anyway.

"Can one of you fetch the silver gurney; this rattata's internal bleeding starting is filling up its lungs and I don't think a healing machine will work now" she said.

The wording is a bit awkward here. I would reword it and add in a few things, so the final product would be, "this rattata's internal bleeding is starting to fill up its lungs..."

This way, there is less confusion and it sounds better.

"Chansey!" she yelled "get out here we have a dying pokémon",

A fat, squat pink pokémon waddled quickly out of a side door, it had pink 'dreads' on either side of its head and a short, stubby tail and on its chest was a pouch with various medical equipment sticking out.

This bit of dialogue made me laugh, since I imagined the Chansey as a redneck nurse coming out on a moped. The part about dreads didn't really help my laughter. Anyway, capitalize "A" since it's the beginning of the sentence. And about the description of the Chansey, we are fans of the Pokemon. We all are, and what the Pokemon looks like really isn't needed, since everyone knows what a Chansey is. The thing I'd keep would be the part about medical equipment sticking out of its pouch, since that part makes this Chansey different, in a way.

"Wait here" the nurse said to Red and Blue and with a flourish of her white medical coat she disappeared through two double doors with Ratty and the chansey.

For this part, you don't need to say "two double doors" since double means two and it's unnecessary repetition. Leaving it as "double doors" is fine.

Above the door a sign lit up that said 'Operating'.

Red and Blue collapsed onto a white sofa and stared at the sign.

You can actually combine these two sentences into a single paragraph. It's less choppy that way. I understand that you don't want a huge block of text, but don't make every sentence on a separate line. Keep it fresh and new, so vary your formatting just a bit. Keep it interesting and, even more importantly, easier to read.

Red was in a very dark place. He felt around him and realised he was in a cave from the rocky floor and walls.

The correct spelling is "realized." This word is used a lot in your paragraph, so be sure to fix them all up. Also, I don't agree with the "from" in this sentence. He's in a cave, from the floors and walls? That doesn't make much sense, so use "with" instead. You might also want to add some kind of adjective for walls, since it's lonely without one.

As he fell furthur he could see red crisscrossing lines shooting back and forth like lightning, he fell through them and they seemed to swirl around him occasionally touching his arms or legs.

It is spelled as "further". Even more, this is the incorrect word to use here. Further is used to say something metaphorical or imaginative, like saying, "I am further along with my plans." Farther is used for measuring distance, one you can actually measure. In this case, you can technically measure the distance Red is falling (not taking in the fact that it's a dream). So the bolded word should be replaced with "farther".

Red got up and glanced over it the double doors. The 'operating' sign wasn't on.

Look, I'm being picky again. The "it" isn't needed since there is already a subject, the double doors. What you need here is another preposition, since I know that you're trying to imply Red looked at the double doors. So use "towards" instead of "it". Also, I think this scene would have been good for adding in a bit of character to Red. Make him have emotions, like a sense of relief since the operating sign wasn't on. Or if he was worried because it wasn't. Just by saying that, the reader can tell whether Red is an optimist or a pessimist. It's the little actions that can amount to big things in the end.

"Oh god" he said as he quickly walked towards it "please be alright."

I don't like it when writers use "God/god" in a Pokemon fanfiction, since there is already a god. Its name is Arceus. But I found a lot of other writers, since this is in Kanto, use Mew instead. I think it's interesting to use that and keeps the Pokemon feel to it. This is actually up to you, and I just felt like pointing that out. But also, add in a "," or a comma after "god". You need the punctuation.

"My Ratty had so many odds against him and he survived", Blue exclaimed, "He's in, like, the top percentage of rattatas."

I liked this part. Just thought I'd say that. Nice little reference.

"Yeah, he's the best" Blue shouted.

Problem here is that Blue just shouts. We don't know how, nor can we read his body language or anything. If you just say "Blue shouted" I think of a five-year old screaming in the Legos section at Toys R Us. Adding in "Blue shouted as he pumped up his fist in a sign of triumph," makes it more flavorful to our hungry... eyes.

"Well I wish you the best of luck, and take these for good measure" she said handing them each several sealed packet of potions and revives.

You should be using the plural form of packets, since you have three of them mentioned. So, "packets".

What you're lacking in your story is a bit of description. Not like what people see, but more about what they do. Red and Blue crash into the door, crash into the sofa, then crash with Ratty. Like the dialogue has very little description in it, while the dream segment had a very odd box in the center, compared to all the other parts of the content. You also never mentioned Red and Blue going to see the gym be closed. I think it would have been funny if you had them talk to that Teachy-TV guy, but it's your story.

I think it's a bit hard to not add so many battles, since we never saw Red's Charmander battle yet, with the exception of the battle against Blue. Well, if you're following the games then Viridian Forest is next so there will be plenty of bug-catchers to battle. I guess adding in Red and Blue beating the crap out of wild Pokemon sounds harsh, but that's pretty close to the games! Are you going to add nicknames for the Charmander and Squirtle? You already gave one to Ratty, so just a bit curious.

I'll keep an eye on this thread to watch your progress. Just try to remember to proof-read a few things, mainly things like spelling/punctuation. Also, try to use clear words that help your story flow a bit. Keep it nice and even and you'll be fine.

Best of luck to you, and I'll see you around!

 

[kirbyxox]

Huzzah! The changes have been made. Thank you for helping with the spelling and such it's much appreciated. I decided not to include the teachy TV because i'm basing the story of Red not Fire Red because that was the game I started Pokemon on. When there are lots of weird words added in by accident it's because I probably typed something then decided to change it when I went back through it. I added the description of chansey because I Kind of wanted it to be what Red sees and He has never been outside of Pallet town and therefore not seen many types of pokemon.
I'm glad to see somebody is reading 'Red', I thought it was being ignored, I will now strive to create more chapters!

 

[kirbyxox]

Chapter V: A mixup
​

"Hey, stop!"
Red sighed and turned to face the boy in the straw hat, he took in the blue shorts, blue sandals and string vest with a grimace.

"Look, I really don't want to…" Red started to say, "I challenge you to a battle!" the bug catcher interrupted, "and your trainers licence states that you cannot turn down a challenge."

"I know," Red said through gritted teeth, "look, let's just get on with it."

Red selected Bulbasaur's pokéball from his belt and pressed the button releasing the green dinosaur like pokémon into the grass.

It was midday and the pidgeys were flitting from branch. A Pikachu was lazily slumped on a branch and zapping the occasional falling leaf as a family of caterpie waddled along the branch.

Red looked to his left and saw Blue and Ratty fighting a wild kakuna.

His attention was brought back to the trainer however when he brought his only pokémon, a weedle, and commanded, "Weedle, poison sting."

Red waved his hand lazily and said "Bulbasaur, vine whip."

"Bulba" the pokémon replied and skirted to the side and past the weedle's clumsy lunge of its large sting.

Two vines rose out of its bulb, one struck the weedle across its body, then the second grabbed its tail and swing it in an arc before throwing it into a the branches of a tree, knocking a rather surprised looking pikachu to the ground.


Blue sidled up and whined "are you done yet? I finished training ages ago." Red looked over at the rapidly disappearing boy and dizzy weedle being chased by an enraged pikachu, "Yeah, I think I'm done" he chuckled.

As they were nearing the building that marked the exit to Viridian forest Red stopped as a large bird pokémon landed on a branch down the path.

"Hey Blue, whatever pokémon that is… dibs," Red quickly said, "It's just so… beautiful."

He selected charmander and threw the pokéball onto the ground.

"Charmander, quick, use ember," Red said as the orange lizard appeared in a flash of light.

It blew into its claws until a black ball with glowing red cracks formed in its palm, the charmander then flung the ball at the unsuspecting pidgeotto.

It squawked as the ball exploded with a brilliant flash and its feathers were gulfed in flames. It flapped its wings till gusts of wind blew out the flames but the ember had taken its toll and half the birds brilliant plumage was black and burnt.

With a yell of "Go pokéball" Red hurled the red ball at the pokémon.

The ball rocked back and forth on ground as the pokéball stabilized then it beeped to denote it was stable.

Red scooped it up off the ground as it read his fingerprints and he pressed the button, releasing the bird.

It staggered a bit then fell down, its legs up in the air and its tongue lolling out.

"Oh stop being such a drama queen" Red said as he rubbed some burn heal into its plumage, "it's just a burn."

Pidgeotto pulled its tongue back in and opened one eye, staring at him.


Red finished rubbing the heal in then straightened up "come on, time to go" he said bringing the pokémon back into its ball.

"Man, that is the coolest pokémon ever, I only caught a pidgey. Ow!" Blue yelped as Ratty dug his claws into his shoulder. "But you're cooler obviously," He winced.

They walked down the steps to the linking building and idly walked through tipping the guard as they went past the desk and stepped out into Pewter city.

"First thing I want to do is challenge the gym, this should be a cinch for Squirtle," exclaimed, running ahead.

"Me too," Red smiled, "but we should probably heal up first."

They raced to the red roofed building and burst through the door laughing and pushing each other to get to front desk first.

"That's him!" Red heard someone shout, "That's the kid that did it!" Then a small man in ripped dirty clothes bundled into him, knocking him back into the door.


Red raised his hands to protect his face as the man weakly attacked him until Blue and a nurse pulled him off Red.

The man struggled then went limp and started sobbing.

"What the hell is going on here?" Blue asked.

"According to this man," the nurse replied sternly, "this boy assaulted him at Mt. Moon then stole his butterfree."

"Adrian was my only link left I had with father," the man sobbed, "and you stole him" he said accusingly, stabbing his finger at Red.

"Red hasn't done anything. We only just arrived from Viridian city, we've never even been to Mt. Moon" Blue defended.

"If this is true I would like to scan all your pokéballs please," the nurse said, "just to make sure."

Red agreed and handed over his satchel and the balls on his belt for the nurse to scan with a small device that showed an icon for each pokémon as it scanned it.

The man looked eagerly on as each ball was scanned but once the last ball was finished he looked sadly downwards. "I'm sorry," he said sadly, "you just looked so like him."


"Tell you what," said Red, "if you show us where Mt. Moon is we'll get your pokémon back from the mystery assailant before we take on the gym."

"What, but… the gym… first badge... he attacked you," Blue protested but then he saw the look on Red's face and sheepishly said, "Fine. But gym straight after."

The man's eyes lit up as he thanked them and Red said "right it's settled. Lead on."


Is it weird that when I write 'beautiful' I hear Jim Carrey going,
"B-e-a-utiful."? ~ Will Piddington