[Pokémon] Season of the Scyther PG-13

[UltimaSilva]

Well, after reading the Mentor and waiting for more updates to it, I decided to start my own fanfic. The first chapter is pretty short, but it's really early in the morning and I'm pretty tired.

Summary: Max, age 13, has decided to go on his own pokemon journey that will take him all across Kanto. He believes everything will go well, or will fate lead Max to his death?

So without further ado, I present Chapter one of Season of the Scyther:

Season of the Scyther​

Chapter 1: New Road​

Max gazed longingly out the window. It was 12:00 in the morning, and Max desperately needed sleep for the day ahead of him. Tomorrow, Max would start his very own pokemon journey, all across Kanto. He was nervous, but very excited. His eyes drifted back to the open window. A cool breeze ruffled his dark brown hair. His tortoise-shell colored eyes stared into the peacefulness of Pallet Town. With his nervous and excited feelings, he also felt sad. Sad that he was going to have to leave his home behind when he went on his journey. He sighed a long and sorrowful sigh. "Hey," he thought to himself. "I can always come back home later when I have time." He finally set his mind on the flickering TV set in his room. The battle was quite boring. "Why in the world do they need to show GYM BATTLES on TV?!" he thought indignantly. A low hum radiated from outside his window. Curious, Max turned his back to the TV and looked out the screened window. He fell back onto his bed in total shock and surprise. With glittering wings and sharp, bladed scythes for hands, stood a scyther. It was majestic, glittering in the pale moonlight. It took no notice of the human staring out the window and instead decided to see if there was anything in the trash. "Holy crap," was the first thing that came to Max's mind when he saw the bug pokemon. Suddenly there was a beam of red light, and the scyther disappeared. Groaning, Max lay back on his bed. He knew what had just occurred. Someone had come along and caught that pokemon. Max looked at the clock. 1:03 in the morning. He was beginning to feel a little worn out so he decided that it was time to go to sleep. After all, there was a big journey ahead of him.
The next day came with rain clouds building up in the horizon. Max noticed this as he was walking to Professor Oak's lab. He just wished that it would hold off until after he got his pokemon. The last thing he needed was to be wet when he reached Viridian. The backpack slung across his shoulder contained the necessities of starting a pokemon journey. Clean clothes, a few pokeballs and potions, food that was easy to prepare, a few water bottles, and some bedding material. Anything else he could buy in Viridian. He arrived at Oak's lab with five minutes to spare. He looked around at the fellow trainers. There were only about three trainers so far. A tall, blonde girl, a average boy with shaggy hair that fell into his eyes, and a short boy that looked as if he had too much pokebrew this morning. He really hoped that there were more coming. Right before they were called in to choose their starter, 20 more trainers showed up. Some looked as if they had come as far as Lavender town. "Now if you would please come into the lab right now, you can begin to start choosing your pokemon. Remember, this is your starter, and he will most likely be with you for quite some time, or as long as your journey lasts," said Prof. Oak in a kind voice. Inside the lab was warm and comfortable. There were lots of pokeballs stretched out in rows across tables. There was something about the pokeball in front of him that made him shiver. When it was time to choose, he decided to pick it up and see what the label said. The label read Scyther-Female. Max wondered if this was the right choice for him. He wondered if he would be able to control it properly. If he trained it correctly, it would be a very powerful pokemon. If he wanted to be a master, then he needed powerful pokemon. He filled out the forms for the pokemon, handed them to Prof. Oak who wished him good luck, and headed out the door, the pokeball clutched tightly in his hand.

 

[Miz en Scène]

Well, you seem to have no problem with grammar and I think you just need a few helpful hints to prod you onto the right path after straying slightly leftward for quite a while.

The first chapter is pretty short, but it's really early in the morning and I'm pretty tired.

If it's not to do with grammar, the first major mistake every newbie writer makes is to think that you have a deadline with writing fanfiction and that you need to write and post your chapters as fast as possible. This isn't the case m'boy as it's advisable to take as much time as you need to proofread, reread, and rework your fic as many times as you see fit before releasing it for the enjoyment of the community. Especially with this case, as it's your first chapter and all. Later on, once you get more readers that you'd like to keep and not disappoint, it may be wise to set yourself a deadline to keep your updates more consistent. However, keep it reasonable and allow yourself enough time after writing to proofread at your leisure. After writing, take a few minutes, hours, or days(that's just me, though) to rest and then proofread the fic when you're feeling fresh to see if anything strikes you as odd in the plot or if you've added a comma in the wring place or something.

Summary: Max, age 13, has decided to go on his own pokemon journey that will take him all across Kanto. He believes everything will go well, or will fate lead Max to his death?

While it's nice to have a summary, it's better to save it for the fanfiction index as the whole point for the dust-jacket summary at the back of the book is to entice the reader into reading it. There's no point having a summary in your actual chapter. In fact, it can sometimes even be considered an infodump and a sign of a not-so-good writer, which I'm sure you don't want to be labeled as.

Right, the first thing I'm going to say about your entire fic is that it's a wall of text. As in, you have no proper paragraphs and it kind of makes reading a chore for the normal fanfic connoisseur . What you're going to want to do is to split a collection of sentences into different groups based on their content. For instance, you could describe Max in the first paragraph, insert a new paragraph, and start to describe what Max saw or what just happened to the live lolcat outside his window. There are no set-in-stone rules that I can name when it comes to paragraphs so try to be appropriate when paragraphing. This means that you don't just suddenly break up an entire paragraph that describes his room into two because it was too long.

Max gazed longingly out the window. It was 12:00 in the morning, and Max desperately needed sleep for the day ahead of him. Tomorrow, Max would start his very own pokemon journey, all across Kanto. He was nervous, but very excited. His eyes drifted back to the open window. A cool breeze ruffled his dark brown hair. His tortoise-shell colored eyes stared into the peacefulness of Pallet Town. With his nervous and excited feelings, he also felt sad. Sad that he was going to have to leave his home behind when he went on his journey. He sighed a long and sorrowful sigh.

One really jarring thing in this first sentence is the abundance of short and simple sentences you have in this part/paragraph. By simple sentence, I'm not referring to your vocabulary choice; rather, I'm referring to the basics of sentence construction wherein a simple sentence contains one subject, and one predicate (which modifies the subject and may contain verbs and prepositions). Case in point,

His eyes[subject] drifted(Verb) backto the open window(Prepositional object)[predicate]. [Simple Sentence]

Simple sentences aren't wrong, but it makes for a pretty boring and monotonous read when every sentence goes, "I went to the market. I bought some fish. I went home. I slipped on a banana. I died."

Instead, consider compound, or complex, sentences which combine two independent sentences together using conjunctions such as "and, or, but," to name a few. Then, you can have sentences like this,

His eyes drifted back to the open window, and (Conjunction) a cool breeze ruffled his dark brown hair.

Note the use of the comma before the conjunction.

This piece of advice holds true, not just for the above paragraph, but for the rest of your fic and chapter.

"Why in the world do they need to show GYM BATTLES on TV?!" he thought indignantly.

Here, you're using both a question mark and an exclamation mark to show your character's indignation at the television company's broadcast. This is grammatically incorrect, as the subject is asking a question and you should only use a question mark to denote that, despite the forcefulness of his exclamation. Or, if you're feeling devious, consider this thing here, "‽". It's called an interrobang and is used mainly by comic book artists who also use the exclamation mark and question mark together.

He fell back onto his bed in total shock and surprise. With glittering wings and sharp, bladed scythes for hands, stood a scyther. It was majestic, glittering in the pale moonlight. It took no notice of the human staring out the window and instead decided to see if there was anything in the trash. "Holy crap," was the first thing that came to Max's mind when he saw the bug pokemon. Suddenly there was a beam of red light, and the scyther disappeared.

Two things strike as odd about this. First off, you can't canonically find Scyther in Pallet Town. Secondly, why is someone up this late at night catching pokemon? While the second point may be justifiable by you stating that someone actually is up this late catching pokemon, it's good to state that in your fic to make sure that it doesn't mess with the flow. Or maybe I'm just being OCD as I normally am.


Anyway, after reading though this chapter, my observations are that you're good, but you just need a bit more description in there and more complex sentences to complement the simple sentences. That's not to say that you can't use them at all. Simple sentences are good because they help to lend a certain urgency to the scene when used properly.

On the subject of descriptions, your whole chapter seems to zip through him getting his first pokemon and him leaving for Viridian in the space of a few words. Not particularly interesting. You may want to, for instance, add how his mother reacted when he left the house, what the other trainers were doing in the lab, and anything else that might seem interesting to state.

 

[UltimaSilva]

Thanks a lot for the review. Do you know how to double space on here by any chance? Thanks! I may or may not get started on Chapter two tonight, as I may be going to a baseball game.

 

[icomeanon6]

Do you know how to double space on here by any chance?

I don't think you want to double space the whole thing, but rather put a blank line between paragraphs. The way you do that is simply by hitting the enter key twice. We don't take too kindly to walls of text around here, so it's important to put that blank line between paragraphs if you want lots of readers.

As for the story itself, you've done well in the sense that I didn't expect the scyther to just enter his room and rifle through his garbage. Original Trainer fics can be painfully predictable, so sticking out is important. One thing I didn't like about that particular exchange was how strikingly convenient it all was. There's a reason why the whole "trainer wakes up late and gets the problem pokemon" trope is so popular, and that's because adventure stories are only interesting if some things go wrong for the hero. Now, I'm very glad that your beginning wasn't as derivative as the trope I described, but make sure that Max's journey isn't a cakewalk.

Mizan is absolutely right about the deadline thing, by the way. There's no reason to rush a first chapter (or any chapter, for that matter). What you have so far needs a substantial amount of additional development. For example, what are the names of the other trainers? What are they like as people? Had you taken your time and fleshed out more of the details, you would have had a stronger beginning. I would advise not to start chapter two tonight, but rather to revise what you have so far first, and definitely to expand it. Take your time, maybe take a look at the guides in the writer's lounge.

Also, since a lot of new posters make this mistake, if you aren't doing so already start writing your fic in a word processor, like Microsoft Word or OpenOffice. Sometimes new writers feel rushed because they're typing in the reply box.

Best of luck with your story, I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with it. And have fun at that baseball game! Let's root, root, root for the home team! (Unless you're going to an away game, in which case, screw the home team!)

 

[UltimaSilva]

Okay guys. I finished the second chapter and I'm now putting it up. Enjoy and edit!

Chapter 2​

First Battle​

Just as Max had walked out of the lab, he heard a voice call out.

"Max! Wait! You forgot your pokedex and map!" Professor Oak yelled out.

"Oh. Thanks." Max muttered, embarrassed.

"Remember," said Prof. Oak in a stern voice, this isn't a game and you cannot save and start over. Think through your decisions before you make them. It's always OK to ask for help at a pokemon center or gym, but remember to have fun."

"Thanks for the tips professor Oak." Max said gratefully.

"I'll be seeing you later, and I recommend that you go to Viridian city first and then head on to Pewter second. Since you have a bug slash flying type pokemon, you probably shouldn't try and battle Blaine on Cinnabar Island just yet." Professor Oak recommended and he then went back into the lab.

Max sat down under a sturdy oak tree that hung over the lab and unfolded the map that professor Oak gave him.

As he studied the map he didn't notice that more and more trainers had come out of the lab.

"Hey there," the tall blonde girl said in a friendly voice. "What pokemon did you choose to be your starter?"

"I chose a scyther." Max muttered quietly.

"Why are you talking so quietly? I think that scythers are pretty cool. After all, they are one of the most powerful pokemon."

"Thanks a lot." Max said in a stronger and louder voice. He was starting to like the girl.

"So how about a pokemon battle? You must want to try out your new pokemon." The girl asked in a kind voice.

"Sure." Max mused in a daze.

"Hey! Just because I'm a girl doesn't mean that I'm not a good pokemon trainer! So don't go easy on me!" The girl snapped in an agitated voice.

Max took the pokeball out of his pocket. The red and white surface of it gleamed in the light.

Max enlarged the pokeball and threw it at the ground.

"Go scyther!" Max yelled.

"Take out his scyther Terra!" Screamed the girl and threw the pokeball, unleashing a small, olive green pokemon, with a red belly and a horn on its head.

Standing before Max, sniffing the air, stood a Larvitar.

"Meet Terra!" yelled the girl.

"Terra, bite his scyther!" the girl commanded.

"Scyther, dodge her bite and use quick attack!" Max yelled, looking up from his pokedex.

The scyther jumped straight up into the air, and with lighting speed, shot down onto the Larvitar.

"Lar…larvi…" the Larvitar weakly mused.

"Hang on Larvitar! Try and use bite again!" yelled the girl. The expression on her face showed that she was worried about her larvitar's condition.

"Scyther, dodge her bite and use quick attack again!" Max ordered.

The scyther just looked at his trainer and growled at him, but at that moment the scyther was bit right in the arm by the girl's Larvitar.

The scyther roared in pain, and started swinging its bladed arms wildly.

The Larvitar went flying off and smashed into the ground.

Max wasn't so lucky and one of the scythes slashed a deep gash in his arm.

As the blood flowed out of his wound he returned his scyther with a beam of red light.

The last thing he saw was the girl running over to him and calling for help before he blacked out.

He awoke sometime later in a house. He didn't know where he was, and stood up off the dusty couch.

The first thing he noticed was a stuffed Larvitar in the arm chair across from him.

"Oh, so you're finally awake." The girl he battled with earlier said in a quiet tone.

"Listen, my name is Lissa and I am really sorry about what happened today." Lissa said in a miserable tone.

"I completely understand if you don't want to be friends with me or anything, but I thought that we should travel together."

"It's okay Lissa, since it's one of the things that trainers have to cope with I might as well get started now." Said Max jokingly with a smile.

That was apparently the wrong thing to say as Lissa's pale blue eyes filled with tears of shame.

"Oh, I didn't mean that in a bad way. Anyway, my name's Max and I'm from Pallet town." Max muttered, embarrassed.

Lissa wiped her tears away on the sleeve of her black denim jean jacket.

"Well you already know my name, and I'm from Pallet town too." Lissa said sorrowfully.

"So when I rest up where do you want to head to first?" Max asked.

"You mean, you want me to come with you after what happened?" Lissa answered thickly.

"Sure. Accidents happen, plus my scyther wasn't under my full control since I just got him. I must admit though, I think that you're really pretty." Max admitted with some embarrassment.

Lissa blushed a deep crimson red at the confession.

Max laughed and looked at the bandage that covered most of his tanned arm.

"So I was thinking that we could go to Viridian first, since it's closest." Lissa remarked.

"Yeah, that was my original plan anyway. Professor Oak said that that would be the best thing to do." Max acknowledged.

Max sat up from the couch and looked around the house. There wasn't anything among the ordinary except for the fact that he saw no parents in the house.

"Lissa, where are your parents?" Max asked.

"Both of them are off at work in Saffron City." Lissa replied bitterly.

Max was surprised at the tone in Lissa's voice.

"They never have enough time to come home and check on me." Lissa explained.

"When was the last time they came and checked on you and the house?" Max stated.

"Over two months ago. Like they care about me anyway." Lissa remarked angrily.

Max decided that this was a bad subject to continue talking about so he started to walk towards the door. Before he could take his first step, Lissa gently pushed him back onto the couch.

"No. You still need to rest to make sure your arm heals." Lissa scolded.

Max started to complain, but thought better of it since he didn't want to upset Lissa again.

"How long are we going to stay here?" requested Max.

"Not too much longer, maybe another thirty minutes. Want something to eat?" Lissa replied.

"An apple would be great." Max said with meaning.

"You probably need some caffeine in you too, so would you like a caterpie cola?" Lissa asked.

"I would love one. Thanks a lot Lissa." Max warmly said.

Lissa smiled and blushed again and went off to get him his meal.

Lissa soon returned with a plate consisting of two apples and two caterpie colas.

As they ate in silence raindrops started to fall.

"Oh no!" moaned Lissa.

"Don't worry; I'm sure it will clear up in time." Max suggested, being optimistic.

"I hope." Lissa worried. "Here, let me take your plate."

"Thanks for your hospitality Lissa." Max replied.

"No problem. Get some rest before we head out." Lissa commanded.

"Mmmkay." Max yawned.

Before Lissa sat down in the plushy armchair across from the couch, she bent down and kissed Max on his cheek.

Max blushed a deep, deep crimson before sleep overtook him.