Sevii Adventures

[sasuneuchiha]

Okay. This is my second fanfic, but my favorite that I've written by far. It takes place in the Sevii Islands, obviously. While the writing itself if my idea, I also owe a lot of thanks to King!. He does basic editing and designed the gyms and stuff. This takes place in third person. Its rated PG-13, purely for little bits of romance and cursing. So yeah. Enjoy it and please comment on it!

Sam stepped out onto the deck of the boat. It was really sunny today. The boat was moving quickly towards the destination, One Island. There were two other kids his age who were going too. They were all going for a similar purpose. To get their starter pokemon, to start their adventure. Sam knew what he had in mind. He was going to get a Squirtle, probably. So he could swim around the islands easily, without a boat. The other kids names were Jazmine and Ryan. Jazmine wanted a Bulbasaur, and Ryan was after a Charmander. They were traditional Kanto starters, so they should be available. The island was now in view, as the boat pulled into the docks. Sam stepped off into the nice summer air.

The warm breeze blew over the island. Sam loved this time of year. He was going to be busy today. Getting to know his first pokemon, which would allow him to be the strongest trainer ever. That was his goal. He quickly found the pokemon lab, ran by Professor Pine. He was the main professor of this area, the Sevii Islands. Sam often wondered why they were called so, as there were actually about 10 islands. Seven that people actually travelled on, three that were less often seen. They had special names. They were Naval Rock, Birth Island, and Mystery Isle. They were aparently homes to legendary pokemon, but most people didn't believe that. It couldn't be possible, three or more legendary pokemon here. Sam walked towards the lab, quickly entering. It was a lot bigger inside. Pokeballs decorated the walls. They looked to be full, so there had to be many pokemon in there. Probably for Professor Pine's pokemon project. Professor Pine had three sitting on a table in the back of the room. Jazmine and Ryan entered after Sam did, looking around. Both ran up to the table. Sam slowly followed. "Morning, children," Pine said in his deep voice. The three greeted him, as he went on. "Now. In these three pokeballs are pokemon for you all to start with. I wish you luck on your adventure, and remember, your starter will be with you forever. Always. Now, ladies first, so Jazmine. Your turn," Pine continued.

"I would like a Bulbasaur, sir," Jazmine said. Pine looked at her with a strange look. "I don't have a Bulbasaur. I don't have a Charmander or a Squirtle, either," he said, glancing at the others. "But...I really..." Jazmine said, as Pine tossed the three pokeballs. A half blue, half black pokemon came out of one. Its pure fur seemed to spark. A blue pokemon with a swirling pattern on it appeared out of the next. Just looking at its stomach pattern made Sam tired. Finally, a final pokemon that looked very cold in appearence came out of the third. "Hm...they're all cute, but I want the one in the middle!" Jazmine said happily. "Good choice. Poliwag is yours," Pine said, returning the pokemon to its ball and handing it to Jazmine. She thanked him and stepped backwards. Ryan stepped forward. "They both look cool, but I like the blue and black one!" Ryan said. "Of course. That would be Shinx. Here you are," Pine said, doing the same with the next pokemon. Ryan stepped back, as Sam stepped forward. "Not much left. I accept the last one!" Sam said, taking the pokemon from Pine.

"Alright. In that case, I only have a few more things. These," Pine said, handing each trainer a metal box and 5 little balls. "What are these?" Ryan asked. Everyone had the same question, though. "The box is a Pokedex. It records data on pokemon you catch and provides basic data on any pokemon you see. It will definately be a handy tool to you. The balls are pokeballs, used to capture pokemon. They will help you to expand your collection. Train hard and never give up!" Pine encouraged, as they three thanked him and left.

 

[King!]

I liked it! Although.....I proof-read it, so you know MY opinions......

Though, Jazmine seems a little child-ish......Maybe a reason will come up? xD

My main question though, uis about their history......How old are they, why are they doing this? I hope it's revealed in the second chapter!

But what we have planned, readers, is EPICAL!

 

[Manaphyman]

Okay, as a fellow Sevii Islands Fanfiction writer, I have lots of critique to give; mostly plot oriented.

Sam stepped out onto the deck of the boat. It was really sunny today. The boat was moving quickly towards the destination, One Island. There were two other kids his age who were going too. They were all going for a similar purpose. To get their starter pokemon, to start their adventure. Sam knew what he had in mind. He was going to get a Squirtle, probably. So he could swim around the islands easily, without a boat. The other kids names were Jazmine and Ryan. Jazmine wanted a Bulbasaur, and Ryan was after a Charmander. They were traditional Kanto starters, so they should be available. The island was now in view, as the boat pulled into the docks. Sam stepped off into the nice summer air.

The Sevii Islands are a seperate entity fom Kanto; they dont have the same starters nor regional government. Most people on the islands havent even heard of Kanto's existence. (Based on Fr/Lg) Besides, you couldnt make the starter's any more original? There is a day care center on Four Island, Sam could have gotten an egg; or Celio could have gotten a pokemon in his device and needed to pass it off to someone. Anything besides the generic: "Here I am professor, I want this!" start. The Sevii Islands are anything but generic.

Also, you said Summer. Even if it isn't Summer in the Sevii Islands, it's still quite warm, I mean, its has a tropical climate. Unless something is screwing with the weather, you should replace Summer with tropical or something.

The warm breeze blew over the island. Sam loved this time of year. He was going to be busy today. Getting to know his first pokemon, which would allow him to be the strongest trainer ever. That was his goal. He quickly found the pokemon lab, ran by Professor Pine.

This is rushed beyond belief and incredibly cliched. I mean, you didn't describe anything at all, instead just rushed your character over to the lab. No background about the Sevii Islands, nothing about the scenery, no character info. It was teribly dry.

And also, Pine? Really? What happened to Celio? At least explain that in the story if you want to insert a cliched Professor name.

Sam often wondered why they were called so, as there were actually about 10 islands. Seven that people actually travelled on, three that were less often seen. They had special names. They were Naval Rock, Birth Island, and Mystery Isle. [/

The Sevii Islands are called by their name because they were made in Seven Days. Mystery Isle doesnt exist in the games, so why not explain it and its significance please? If ordinary people know about it, how is it a mystery? And no, there are 32+ islands in the chain, not 10.

Sam slowly followed. "Morning, children," Pine said in his deep voice. The three greeted him, as he went on. "Now. In these three pokeballs are pokemon for you all to start with. I wish you luck on your adventure, and remember, your starter will be with you forever. Always. Now, ladies first, so Jazmine. Your turn," Pine continued.

Rushed? No description? What were you thinking?

I would like a Bulbasaur, sir," Jazmine said. Pine looked at her with a strange look. "I don't have a Bulbasaur. I don't have a Charmander or a Squirtle, either," he said, glancing at the others. "But...I really..." Jazmine said, as Pine tossed the three pokeballs. A half blue, half black pokemon came out of one. Its pure fur seemed to spark. A blue pokemon with a swirling pattern on it appeared out of the next. Just looking at its stomach pattern made Sam tired. Finally, a final pokemon that looked very cold in appearence came out of the third. "Hm...they're all cute, but I want the one in the middle!" Jazmine said happily. "Good choice. Poliwag is yours," Pine said, returning the pokemon to its ball and handing it to Jazmine. She thanked him and stepped backwards. Ryan stepped forward. "They both look cool, but I like the blue and black one!" Ryan said. "Of course. That would be Shinx. Here you are," Pine said, doing the same with the next pokemon. Ryan stepped back, as Sam stepped forward. "Not much left. I accept the last one!" Sam said, taking the pokemon from Pine.

Description was absolutely atrocious. What you need to do with this scene is to slow down tremendously. Have Sam observe his surroundings and describe them. What does he think of Pine? of Jasmine? You really need to work on your characters and description. At least introduce a character with a non-listy description of looks; then you can slowly show us their personality.

And Poliwag? Really? Before you make these uber plot changes, you need to explain them. I mean no one has made the Sevii Islands their own more than I have, but I have at least provided explanations for the transitions I have made. I mean, I gave the Sevii's gyms and even added my own island. But to do something like this you need to lay the proper foundation.

Talk about the history of the islands and such. It would add depth to your fic.

 

[I Laugh at your Misfortune!]

The Sevii Islands are called by their name because they were made in Seven Days. Mystery Isle doesnt exist in the games, so why not explain it and its significance please? If ordinary people know about it, how is it a mystery? And no, there are 32+ islands in the chain, not 10.

While I agree with most of your review, I have to dispute this to reach 32 you'd have to start including 'islands' that are basically lumps of rock barely big enough to stand on. If you look at the map:

you can see that only about 16 are really large enough to be called islands.

 

[Manaphyman]

Bulbagarden has them at 32+ islands, which I can agree with. Despite the size, an island is an island. So while there are only really 16 islands that actually matter, there are still the other 16+ that are incorporated in the region.

I just eyeballed all of the "walkable" FR islands and got about 30. Regardles, the point is moot. Glad you agree with the critique.

 

[DassenSupes]

A couple of grammar and spelling mistakes here and there. Mostly is feels to be movie too fast. Try writing more about the characters, the setting, and what they're like. I just wasn't very engaged--it read more like a summary.