Story Idea - needs helpful advice.

[Spanish John]

Here I go. This was copy-pasted from a Wordpad document typed at 3am...yeah....

Darker Than Black
(no relation to anime of same name)
Story Plan

Pokemon:
Name: Kurou - The Glamour Cat Pokemon
Bio: While it was abundant in older days, this Pokemon's population has been reduced to near zero. The only remaining creature is a half-Pokemon, one with a human-like appearance, but with black cat ears and a tail. The species is a Psychic-type Pokemon, but, theoretically, can be taught any attack, making it very valuable.
Appearance: Smaller-than-average sixteen-year-old girl, mid-back length black hair, red eyes, black cat ears and tail

Point in story: Pre-Sinnoh (Hikari sucks. Haruka owns.), although Satoshi-kun has finally aged to around sixteen ...>>"

Satoshi-kun does not, obviously, have any Sinnoh Pokemon. This includes any Pokemon from previous leagues evolving into another form during Sinnoh, even if the evolutions are pre-Sinnoh.

Characters (Japanese names are used for all):
Satoshi - Ash
Pikachu - Pikachu
May - Haruka
Max - Masato
Brock - Takeshi
Jessie - Musashi
James - Kojiro
Meowth - Nyaasu
Kurou - Kurou

Pokemon that Satoshi has (name rule still applies):
-- Pikachu
-- Ousubame (Swellow)
-- Juputoru (Grovyle)
-- Heigani (Corphish)
-- Koutasu (Torkoal)
-- Onigouri (Glalie)

Pokemon that Takeshi has (rule under effect still):
-- Mizugorou (Mudkip)
-- Foretosu (Forretress)
-- Runpappa (Ludicolo)

Pokemon that Musashi has (effective rule):
-- Dokukeiru (Dustox)
-- Sounansu (Wobbuffet)
-- Habuneeku (Seviper)

Pokemon that Kojiro has (rule still working):
-- Sabonea (Cacnea)
-- Chiirin (Chimecho)

Pokemon that Haruka has (follow the rules. >>"):
-- Zenigame (Squirtle)
-- Iibui (Eevee)
-- Bashaamo (Blaziken)
-- Gonbe (Munchlax)

Pokemon that Masato has:
None! He's a nerd.

Relations:
Satoshi, Haruka, Masato, Takeshi, Pikachu, and Kurou - Team
Musashi, Kojiro, and Nyaasu - Team
Kurou and Satoshi - Eventual love~ =D ...>>"
Haruka to Satoshi - Unrequited love
Haruka and Masato - Sister and brother

The only thing I haven't defined yet is an actual plot. Any advice anyone?​

 

[JX Valentine]

Advice? Just one: Avoid Sueland if at all possible.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you've got a magical creature that is essentially a catgirl who looks like a sixteen-year-old girl, can perform pretty much any attack, and lures one of the main characters into bestiality captures the heart of the main character of the canon. On top of that, you pin her as the last of her kind of an extremely rare and valuable Psychic-type half-Pokemon (I'm not really sure what the other half would be here. Human? Or is she simply humanoid, and the other half of her is actually something else?), which I really hope doesn't mean she's also got ESP.

So, yeah, in a nutshell, I'm worried because a lot of this sounds like she might turn out to be a Mary Sue, given the number of odd traits you're throwing in, the amount of potential power she has (being a very rare Pokemon who can essentially learn any attack), and the fact that she's eventually going to win the heart of a character whose thoughts on a daily basis are 75% Pokemon/battling, 20% helping his friends, and 5% food. (Yes, Satoshi has grown up in your fic, but in the Pokemon world, there are such people who grow up physically but still center their world around Pokemon. Given how deep Satoshi is in his role as a trainer, it would take a lot of effort to have him sway away from his main obsession.) In fact, the character concept sort of reminds me of this.

Hence, my first piece of advice isn't so much to scrap her character but instead to sit down and think about her character in detail. Who is she? What is she like? What's her personality? Maybe detail her strengths and weaknesses. You may even want to consider separating the human from the Pokemon so that you can have your romance fic (without treading those dangerous "Wait. Isn't this bestiality?" waters by using a purely human trainer) and your "evil team is coming after this rare Pokemon oh noes!" plot (by using a Pokemon she might own). If not, you may want to take into consideration that she is a Pokemon and develop problems that arise from that. Including, yes, the fact that human x Pokemon (even half-Pokemon -- which would, most likely, dig up problems involving biology) is still bestiality.

In general, of course, think about what you're trying to write about, but be very careful about this character and think carefully about who she is. Develop her in a way that keeps us from thinking of her as a Mary Sue, and we'll be more likely to stick with your story.

 

[Spanish John]

Advice? Just one: Avoid Sueland.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you've got a magical creature that is essentially a catgirl who looks like a sixteen-year-old girl, can perform pretty much any attack, and lures one of the main characters into bestiality captures the heart of the main character of the canon. On top of that, you pin her as the last of her kind of an extremely rare and valuable Psychic-type half-Pokemon (I'm not really sure what the other half would be here. Human? Or is she simply humanoid, and the other half of her is actually something else?), which I really hope doesn't mean she's also got ESP. I'm also guessing there will be random Japanese words sprinkled in.

So, yeah, in a nutshell, I'm worried because a lot of this sounds like she might turn out to be a Mary Sue, given the number of odd traits you're throwing in, the amount of potential power she has (being a very rare Pokemon who can essentially learn any attack), and the fact that she's eventually going to win the heart of a character whose thoughts on a daily basis are 75% Pokemon/battling, 20% helping his friends, and 5% food. (Yes, Satoshi has grown up in your fic, but in the Pokemon world, there are such people who grow up physically but still center their world around Pokemon. Given how deeply entrenched Satoshi is in his role as a trainer, it would take a lot of effort to have him sway away from his main obsession.) In fact, the character concept sort of reminds me of [link the site isn't letting me repost even in a quote].

Hence, my first piece of advice isn't so much to scrap her character but instead to sit down and think about her character in detail. Who is she? What is she like? What's her personality? Maybe detail her strengths and weaknesses. You may even want to consider separating the human from the Pokemon so that you can have your romance fic (without treading those dangerous "Wait. Isn't this bestiality?" waters by using a purely human trainer) and your "evil team is coming after this rare Pokemon oh noes!" plot (by using a Pokemon she might own). If not, you may want to take into consideration that she is a Pokemon and develop problems that arise from that.

In general, of course, think about what you're trying to write about, but be very careful about this character and think carefully about who she is. Develop her in a way that keeps us from thinking of her as a Mary Sue.

Yeah, I thought she might turn into a Sue.
She is half-human, and I'm trying to figure out a plan to make Satoshi fall for her while still aspiring to be a Pokemon master. I've thought a lot about her personality, her actions, etc. No, she doesn't have ESP. That's too much. @.@ I'll try to avoid Japanese words at all costs, except when certain words may help develop a character's personality...somehow (kind of like how Hikari always says 'Daijoubu' [No need to worry/It's alright]. It's her 'catchphrase', I suppose). >>" There will always be a translation after the chapter for whatever words are used.

Thanky you deeply for your advice, I'll try to fix my flaws. =]​

 

[An-chan]

I don't think using Japanese words with English is a very good idea. I think you should just separate them and write in either language. I'm supposing that in this case it would be English. Personally, I don't have anything against using words like "Daijobu" and so on, but that's mostly because I can speak Japanese and I do understand those words. Even with translation provided, it's still fairly annoying to read stuff you don't understand on the spot. Believe me, I've read The Whale Rider, which is about 10% in Maori language, and it annoyed the heck out of me to check the translations all the time. I understand your wish to use those 'catchphrases' like "Daijobu" and such, but you really, really shouldn't. Translate them, please.
Besides, it would look weird if Hikari was to say something like this:

"Daijobu, Satoshi! We'll find Pikachu, no matter what!"

This resembles the way Japanese is used on The Memoirs of a Geisha, which kind of annoyed me. I can't stand it when people who are of the same nationality or speak the same native language use some other language in their interaction, and then make remarks on their own language. Like in that aforementioned movie, Pumpkin says "mite mite" between her English lines.
I hated that.
Oh, and I know you're not using Hikari in your fic. You just used her as an example, so I did so, too ^-^

Words used in the text can't help in developing a characters personality, so don't use that as an excuse. I'm sorry if I come off as harsh, as that is not my intention. I just want to warn you, really. You're free to do whatever you want, but I'd like you to have as many readers as you can.

Oh, and just out of curiousity, can you really speak Japanese or is it just some words and phrases? I don't know many people who really can speak Japanese, so I'm curious ^-^

As for the plot: Have you figured out anything yet?
I just thought that maybe it isn't necessary for Kurou to be half Pokémon... Why couldn't she be a psychic human or such and attract the attention of bad guys because of that? You know, because of her abilities, she can communicate with Pokémon in a way no-one else can and thus she is an outstanding battler or something. That would rule out all the problems caused by Satoshi falling in love with her. Then again, you could prevent her ultimate Sueness by making her one with no sense of tactics whatsoever. So, she'd be an awesome battler, but she isn't because she has lousy tactics. That would also leave some room for character development and lovey-dovey scenes where Satoshi teaches her.

I can't think of anything more now, but if you still need help, I can try to come up with something. You could use some Hoenn legendary or something. Try not to fall to the pit of inoriginality. Think of something that will blow people's minds!

Good luck with this, I'm cheering for you ^-^

 

[DGexe]

Before I bother to critique your actual story further (because I've finally decided to wait on chapter one before fomulating a final opinion)...

While I do echo the avoid-Mary-Sue thoughts of others, I have one little thing I may want to point out to you that has already kind of been pointed out already:

Pokemon:
Name: Kurou - The Glamour Cat Pokemon
Bio: While it was abundant in older days, this Pokemon's population has been reduced to near zero. The only remaining creature is a half-Pokemon, one with a human-like appearance, but with black cat ears and a tail. The species is a Psychic-type Pokemon, but, theoretically, can be taught any attack, making it very valuable.

No offense, but you may want to avoid such a thing for your character; I say this because neko-mimicing to such a degree tends to fall upon the side of cliche; not that all cliche's are bad, but you miiiight want to avoid this one. You may want to see what others have to say about this, however.

Still, if you do want to change that so that she doesn't echo a neko-esque-half-Pokemon, perhaps you could add in more animalistic parts? Give her habits of her Pokemon species? For example, one of my main characters looked like a neko in her original design; I kind of fixed this by making her lower-half more furre-like than her upper half, and as she grows older she may obtain more animalistic traits where she's human. On top of that, she tends to act like her animalistic side as well.


Just a thought. Good luck with this piece!