Tell Me What You Think

[Strawbearry_PANDA]

Try this on for size. For one sorry if I leave out details, I'm really tired but can't sleep or focus. If you have any questions I will answer them but I've had this idea for like two years but have put it on the backburner.

Flynn and Brynn are both twins, girl and boy, and they're of the legal age of the islands to go off on their own. On their birthday, they decide to leave home and head off for a new place. They tell their mother and father goodbye, and say that they'll write once they're settled. Come sunset, they take a boat to these populated islands known to be famous for mages and magic. On the way to the uslands, they meet the Mayor of the central island's daughter, Iris. Finding out that they didn't bring enough money to stay at a place, she decides to let Flynn and Brynn live with her and the mayor. After settling down there and finding out about the island's magic, the two are guided out of the house by a thread of light leading into the forest. in the center, they find two girls that are sitting on rocks. One is serpentine and one obsidian. The two girls reveal to the twins that they are the guardians of the islands, one a goddess, and one a sort of witch or a mage-queen if you please. They tell the twins that it was no coincidence that they came to the islands, and that fate had brought them here. Going on about how twins had a very special power, they each ask the twins to be their friends. Flynn and Brynn agree, and the girls ask each of them to come live with them. The problem is the twins have never been apart, and the two guardians don't live together. Instead, they tell the goddess and witch that they'll come visit every day. The arrangement is made and they start parting to go visit them Flynn goes to see the goddess and Brynn goes to the witch. After a while, the twins decide to get jobs. One of them gets a job at the bakery and the other at an alchemist's house as an apprentice. The twins start to become less needing of each other and soon they leave Lily and her father's home to go live with the goddess and witch. Over time, the two realise the guardians are rivals, with the whole rule of polarity, and Flynn and Brynn get turned against each other. The guardians get in a bigger fight than usual and declare a war. The twins must fight each other, but do not end up dying. They are passed out, exhausted from battle, and the two see the folly of their ways. The witch and goddess realize they don't have to fight each other (and I know this sounds cheesy but this is more of a kids/young adult thing but) they fall in love. Flynn and Brynn wake up to find goddess and witch together, and find each other reunited once more. The guardians watch over the islands together and the twins decide to help them watch other the island.

The end? XD I know I'll probably get bad reviews on this but I'll hear it nonetheless. Thoughts?

 

[ANARCHit3cht]

Well, why would the mayor let random strangers live in his hosue? Also, I am pretty sure you called the mayor's daughter Iris and then Lilly. Also, a story about "watching over an island" doesn't sound very exciting. There would have to be something exciting. (I.E. something attacks it, the only to stop it is to go here, do this, and bring this ere.) Just, be original, and most of all, have fun.

 

[Neo Pikachu]

Interesting idea, it shows potential. Couple things though.

Nix everything that comes after the war. You're thinking too far ahead. Have some idea of what you'd like to see in the ending, but don't already etch it out in stone, because some time during the long rising action stretch that leads up to the climax, the events that unfolded in the storyline may convince you that you'd like to see it end differently.

The aspect of the twins having to separate and declare allegiance with the witch and the goddess is a nice touch. The fact the guardians eventually have that bitter rivalry essentially pits one twin against the other. Don't end it with them falling in love, that just seems extremely random and unlikely to me. Understand each other, yes. Love… no. You never see the leaders of two opposing armies suddenly become best buddies after the war is said and done and both sides have suffered heavy losses because of it. So yeah, I'd say take out that ending for now, and just have an idea of where you want the story to go. Wait on the ending, see what kind of events lead up to the climax, and once you're there, then you decide how you'd like to see it all conclude. You may write 80% of this story and later decide that having the goddess and the witch fall in love is probably the most out of place and unrealistic ending possible considering all the events that lead up to it.

The special powers that the twins have is something that needs to be explained and it needs to make sense. You don't need to mention it now if you don't want to spoil it in your story, but keep it in mind, this should be understandable to the reader and it should explain why these twins were selected by the goddess and the witch and no one else.

I would also go more into depth regarding what kinds of armies the goddess and the witch control or have influence over, and how they managed to obtain this domination and position of power. What kind of societal values do they fight for, and why has it forced one guardian to oppose the other? What are their armies like as well? Who has decided to follow them and pledge their allegiance to them? Definitely think these kinds of things while you're thinking about your story.

I'd say you're off to a good start, but tread carefully and don't be too impatient to rush into this before you have your ideas fully ready.

 

[Strawbearry_PANDA]

Well, why would the mayor let random strangers live in his hosue? Also, I am pretty sure you called the mayor's daughter Iris and then Lilly. Also, a story about "watching over an island" doesn't sound very exciting. There would have to be something exciting. (I.E. something attacks it, the only to stop it is to go here, do this, and bring this ere.) Just, be original, and most of all, have fun.

Ack, an error in my typing, I apologize. I'm so tired and getting stories mixed up. XD

Well mainly the whole conflict is the brother and sister getting turned against each other. I'd put small things in, sure but the rising action is Flynn and Brynn getting tricked into leaving each other, climax is the war. I'd perhaps put tests from the guardians in, because pretty much they get turned into warriors for either side, and over time become strong. So putting things like that in is a definite.

Also, the mayor is hospitable and Iris really seems to like Flynn and Brynn, so he's happy to. They're just kids really, so it's harmless. I've seen it happen often enough in storylines, haha.

Interesting idea, it shows potential. Couple things though.

Nix everything that comes after the war. You're thinking too far ahead. Have some idea of what you'd like to see in the ending, but don't already etch it out in stone, because some time during the long rising action stretch that leads up to the climax, the events that unfolded in the storyline may convince you that you'd like to see it end differently.

The aspect of the twins having to separate and declare allegiance with the witch and the goddess is a nice touch. The fact the guardians eventually have that bitter rivalry essentially pits one twin against the other. Don't end it with them falling in love, that just seems extremely random and unlikely to me. Understand each other, yes. Love… no. You never see the leaders of two opposing armies suddenly become best buddies after the war is said and done and both sides have suffered heavy losses because of it. So yeah, I'd say take out that ending for now, and just have an idea of where you want the story to go. Wait on the ending, see what kind of events lead up to the climax, and once you're there, then you decide how you'd like to see it all conclude. You may write 80% of this story and later decide that having the goddess and the witch fall in love is probably the most out of place and unrealistic ending possible considering all the events that lead up to it.

The special powers that the twins have is something that needs to be explained and it needs to make sense. You don't need to mention it now if you don't want to spoil it in your story, but keep it in mind, this should be understandable to the reader and it should explain why these twins were selected by the goddess and the witch and no one else.

I would also go more into depth regarding what kinds of armies the goddess and the witch control or have influence over, and how they managed to obtain this domination and position of power. What kind of societal values do they fight for, and why has it forced one guardian to oppose the other? What are their armies like as well? Who has decided to follow them and pledge their allegiance to them? Definitely think these kinds of things while you're thinking about your story.

I'd say you're off to a good start, but tread carefully and don't be too impatient to rush into this before you have your ideas fully ready.

I do thank you for your advice. :3 It's something I'll definitely take into account during development. The guardians falling in love was not so much a sudden thing in my mind, maybe far later, over the course of a year or two, after they come to an agreement that they should be allies working towards the same thing, and later down the line in their friendship, find they misunderstood each other, and perhaps then it happens. Ah well, that's down the line, like you said. XD

It's not so much that they're gathering people, I wouldn't want to turn the island or any other regions against each other in a somewhat children's story.
More of the lines that they have a test of power, and create their own armies with their own magic, and the twins serve as the commanders.

As for why those two, why the twins. It was very vague, but I've heard alot in mythology books about twins. They're like linked souls apparently, a rarity among birth. Saying they have something special about them and the fact that they have such a personal bond, Flynn and Brynn promised that they'd never leave their side, and the two guardians wanted such special, passionate people. And when it comes to them two being reunited, and the guardians becoming allies, they work together even though their sides are different from each other but reunited it makes something very strong. XD But I ramble.

Well, though it isn't too much into planning that's how I imagined it. XD

 

[miley810]

Personaly I don't like stories like this but thats not saying that it is not a good story.But I sudjust somthing like somebody comes to take over and the 4 have to save the island using natural resorces and with out startling the people.Sorry if you think this is a cheesy idea or something but sorry.