the chossen from fate

[mew darkrai shaymin.]

I know this will be short but this is just the begining.... enjoy



Beginning…
Characters:
Celebi, level 50, {Gender is female}
Mew, level 50, {Gender is female}
Darkrai, Level 50,{Gender is male}
Arceus, Level 80, {Gender is male}
Pal, level 60 {Gender is male}
Dia, level 60 {Gender is male}
Jirachi, Level 55 {Gender is male}
Leafeon, Level 45 {Gender is female}
Glaceon, Level 45 {Gender is female}
Loppuny, level 48 {Gender is female}
Lucario, Level 48 {Gender is male}
Tokekiss, level 46 {gender is male}
Cressealia, level is 50 {gender is female}
Froslass, Level 47 {Gender is female}

The world is falling into chaos. During a conversation with Pal [palika] and Dia [dalgia], Aruces says that the only hope is to find certain pokemon to help restore balance and save the world. When a Glaceon runs into a Cressealia talking with a Froslass, Glaceon embarks on a quest with Cressealia to help find the answers to her destiny and save the world.

 

[emoBill™]

I don't think you're allowed to post stuff like that in the beginning of the thread. Besides, there are no real levels in the anime, so having them in the story would be almost the same. The summary sounds okay, but why would a Cressalia be talking to an innocent Froslass? Cressalia is supposed to be on Fullmoon Island, and not hanging out with random common Pokemon.

If you're going to start a thread, have a chapter in the first post, not a list of characters (it makes it really annoying).

And please make sure your spelling is correct - I don't want to have to figure out what you're trying to say. And you spelled 'chosen' wrong -.-

~Rati

 

[mew darkrai shaymin.]

chapter 1: Glaceon's encounter

Ok, so I know the beggining was lame but, I could get used to writeing this, look for updates thoughout the year. Also I will be putting two new chairacters into the story later... enjoy!


Chapter 1: Glaceon's encounter
It was snowing in the winter. A Glaceon with no home was wandering in the white snow. She was a blue color of an ice type, if she had ever gotten scared or angry her fur would stand up on end like needles. "Who am I? sniff..I-I have no home. What could my destiny be?" She questioned herself. Then she herd a noise coming from beyond the tree grove. Wondering what it was she dashed though the trees. The cold white snow brushed against her fur, at the end of the tree grove Glaceon skidded to a stop and stared in awe. There was a pokemon with two purple wings and a yellow half a moon on her head, her body was blue and yellow, and her eyes shined with pink intensity. The other pokemon was white on most of her, her arms were attached to her head with blue on the tips of her fingers, she levitated and her head was also purple. "Could that be," She whispered to herself, "the legendary Cressealia and a Froslass?" She stepped forward a little bit to listen in on what they were saying.
"What do you mean a voice told you to find him?" The Froslass questioned Cressealia, "You know what, your losing you mind!"

"I swear, the original one talked to me." Cressealia exclaimed.

"Y-Your not gonna go though with this, are you?" Froslass stammered.

"Of course I am! The world is falling into chaos and I need to find the other pokemon to save the world!" Cressealia explained. Froslass stiffened.

"I know your there. Come out and I won't hurt you." Froslass demanded.

"Who are you?" Cressealia questioned.

"Um, I am Glaceon. I have no home nor' no family, and I have no idea who I really am. The only thing I know is my name and I have no home." Glaceon explained sadly.

"Hmm… Froslass, I think she should come with me." Cressealia replied to her friend.

"What???" Froslass asked, "B-But Cressealia, you can't do this! You are not her mother!" Froslass stammered.

"I know that, but since she has no home I might as well take her with me. I need backup anyway when I go to the cave of origin."

"Cave…of origin?" Glaceon questioned.

"Well, I guess I better tell you then." Cressealia began, "Glaceon, the world is falling apart little by little. Humans my not know it, but when they do it will be too late. Chaos is engulfing the world. I felt this just a few days ago, then when I was asleep last night A voice spoke to me calling himself the original one. He told me everything that was happening. He also told me to find other pokemon if the world is to be saved. But, he didn't mention who they were. But, he did say this….To find them I need to come to the cave of origin. The path to the mountain is far and I can't go it alone. I believe you have to come to me so I can find the other pokemon."

"But, how does this involve me?" Glaceon asked.

"I don't know yet but, I think that you are connected to this quest somehow." Cressealia answered, "I need you to come with me." Froslass turned her icy blue eyes to Glaceon then to Cressealia.

"Cressealia, if you must do this… go ahead. I won't stop you. If the world is to be saved I believe you and Glaceon can do it." Froslass replied.

"Good-Bye Froslass." Cresselia said, "Come Glaceon."

"Um, How for is the mountain away from here." Glaceon asked.

"By human measures, its two miles" Cressealia answered.

"Oh, great." Glaceon replied. So Cressealia and Glaceon began to walk towards the tall mountain and Glaceon couldn't help but wonder if she could finally know who she was.

 

[star88]

aw so sweet can't wait to hear more

 

[mew darkrai shaymin.]

chapter 2

Chapter 2: The request from Arceus to Pal and Dia
The air blew around pillars and a big statue at the other side of the cave of origin "I feel them coming, Cressealia the one I spoke to last night, and… Glaceon. Well, I knew she would come, she will realize her past and her destiny." Arceus said to himself. He looked at the massive statue leaning into the earth. As the sun came out the radiant light shined on the large yellow ring that was centered in the middle of his body, the tips of his feet were yellow, his fur was white, and his chest was a mixture of gray and black. His eyes sparkled green as emeralds. He turned toward the pillars on his left and there appeared
A pokemon of steel and dragon. His steel parts were situated all over his body, veins of time flowed on his body, and in the middle of his chest was a huge diamond that symbolized time. It was Dalgia. After him came a pokemon that was different from Dalgia, it was pink and white of the elements of water and dragon, on his shoulders was a pearl representing space. His name was Palika.

"Pal, from space and Dia, from time I have called you to this place for a reason" Arceus announced as he looked at Pal and Dia.

"Why? The world is falling apart and you summon us." Dia asked.

"Dia, calm down and listen to what Arcues has to say." Pal demanded.

"Time and space are being thrown out of whack. There are a group of certain pokemon that only they and only they can save the world." Arceus told Pal and Dia.

"So what are we supposed to do?" Pal asked.

"I need you to send messages to the requested pokemon in their sleep starting with Mew and Darkrai." Arceus told them.

"I will send a message to Darkrai." Dia answered.

"And I will speak to Mew." Pal replied.

"Good, now I must wait in the cave for Cressealia and Glaceon so they can find the requested pokemon." Arceus explained.

"Arceus, why do you want Cressealia and Glaceon to find this place?" Pal asked.
Arceus turned to Pal in surprise.

"Cresselia is powerful, proud of her power, and reasonable to other pokemon including pokemon like Darkrai." Arceus answered.

"Then what about Glaceon? What about her?" Dia complained. Arceus looked at him.

"There is something that was placed upon her when she was born, and when she comes she needs to know why she is needed on this mission." Arceus replied.

"You mean…her destiny is to help Cessealia find the other pokemon and save the world?" Pal asked Arceus looking dead on into his green emerald eyes.

"Yes, she will understand what needs to do." Arceus exclaimed.

"Pal, we need to go spread the world." Dia told Pal.

"Yes, go now!" Arceus said. Then at that moment Dia and Pal disappeared to spread the word just like Arceus had requested to them. Arceus looked back at the huge statue in the earth. "When Cressealia gets here she will realize the task at hand. Glaceon…You will know what must be done, and this quest will unravel the mystery about your life." He said to himself. Then he disappeared into the cave.

 

[Astinus]

Is there any possible way you could fix your first post to actually have some part of the story? Otherwise, I would have to close the thread, but it seems like a waste since the rest of the story (albeit with a few grammar errors) fits the rules.

So, if you wouldn't mind fixing up your first post to actually fit the standards (since it's what other people see first in your thread, and it does break the rules) then I would appreciate it.

 

[Logitech]

Is there any possible way you could fix your first post to actually have some part of the story? Otherwise, I would have to close the thread, but it seems like a waste since the rest of the story (albeit with a few grammar errors) fits the rules.

So, if you wouldn't mind fixing up your first post to actually fit the standards (since it's what other people see first in your thread, and it does break the rules) then I would appreciate it.

Indeed, I've noticed a good amount of grammar errors here and there.

 

[Merata]

Ok, I'm gonna try, and review this. If I sound too harsh don't take it personally please, I'm not here to discourage you from writing, I'm here to try, and help become a better writer ;)

Before I start out anything there are two things I'd like to say

First off:

the chossen from fate [/quote]
it should be, (The) Chosen by fate

A wrong spelled title scares people away pretty easily, the 'by' is a suggestion, though you would probably want to remove 'The' from the sentence then for a better flow.

Chapter 1: Glaceon's encounter

As chapter title, it's supposed to an eye-catcher. With that in mind a chapter title can be bigger, and/or bolded, underlined.

This, again, is just a suggestion.

Now onto the real deal :)

---------

It was snowing in the winter.

How does the snow smell, feel? what does it look like?
A bit more discription would be better in this situation. As a writer it's part of your job to make the readers feel, see, and enjoy the enviroment of the story.

A Glaceon with no home was wandering in the white snow.

I would suggest this: An homeless Glaceon was wandering through the snow.

'no home' should be replace by homeless, it means the same but has a better flow in this case.
Also in this case you could leave 'white' away, if you describe the snow in the first sentence, but that's just me.

One thing comes to mind here, where is she wandering through? A forest, snowy plains, mountains? describe the setting a bit

She was a blue color of an ice type, if she had ever gotten scared or angry her fur would stand up on end like needles.

This is a really weird sentence, here again a suggestion:

She had an icy blue fur, which fitted the ice pokemon prefectly. Her fur would stand up, resembling spikes, every time she was angered or scared.

This in my opinion has a better flow and is better readable, though what you meant was good you need to work on your sentence building and choose of words, and it will get alot better.

"Who am I? sniff..I-I have no home. What could my destiny be?" She questioned herself.

If this is meant as speech you should make a seperate paragrahp from this like:

She was a blue color of an ice type, if she had ever gotten scared or angry her fur would stand up on end like needles.

"Who am I? sniff..I-I have no home. What could my destiny be?" She questioned herself

Then she herd a noise coming from beyond the tree grove. Wondering what it was she dashed though the trees. .

However, if this was meant as though remove the "'s, and write the sentence in italics like this: Who am I? sniff..I-I have no home. What could my destiny be? She questioned herself

*Also one note, when you use a ! , or ? in the quotation marks you don't need to capitalize the first word after the talking.*

Then she herd a noise coming from beyond the tree grove.

herd should be, heard

Also for me as reader I was kind of lost here, how or when did Glaceon reach the tree grove? What did the tree grove look like?

As said before describe the setting a bit more.

Wondering what it was she dashed though the trees.

Why would someone dash through the trees when she/he hears something, wouldn't it be more logical to sneak to where the sound came from.

The cold white snow brushed against her fur, at the end of the tree grove Glaceon skidded to a stop and stared in awe.

Which snow brushed her fur, that from the sky or the trees? Also does she hide behind a tree or not?
This sounds to me as if she just stands there, open to be easily seen, which seems illogical to me.

There was a pokemon with two purple wings and a yellow half a moon on her head, her body was blue and yellow, and her eyes shined with pink intensity. The other pokemon was white on most of her, her arms were attached to her head with blue on the tips of her fingers, she levitated and her head was also purple. "Could that be," She whispered to herself, "the legendary Cressealia and a Froslass?" She stepped forward a little bit to listen in on what they were saying.

"What do you mean a voice told you to find him?" The Froslass questioned Cressealia, "You know what, your losing you mind!"

first off, this should be like:

There was a pokemon with two purple wings and a yellow half a moon on her head, her body was blue and yellow, and her eyes shined with pink intensity. The other pokemon was white on most of her, her arms were attached to her head with blue on the tips of her fingers, she levitated and her head was also purple.

"Could that be," She whispered to herself, "the legendary Cressealia and a Froslass?" She stepped forward a little bit to listen in on what they were saying.

"What do you mean a voice told you to find him?" The Froslass questioned Cressealia, "You know what, your losing you mind!"

Start a paragraph with each different person talking, this makes it easier to read.

The description of the Cressealia was decently done, with a few 'flowing'
problems here, and there, but no real big problems.
The description on the froslass, however, was pretty poorly done.
Though this part was pretty decent, it offers pretty much room for improvement, like the way how you introduce and describe the two pokemon.

"Of course I am! The world is falling into chaos and I need to find the other pokemon to save the world!" Cressealia explained. Froslass stiffened.

This should be like:

"Of course I am! The world is falling into chaos and I need to find the other pokemon to save the world!" Cressealia explained.

Froslass stiffened.

The sentence 'Froslass stiffened.' is vague, as it doesn't describe why he stiffened and in this case how he discovered Glaceon.

"I know your there. Come out and I won't hurt you." Froslass demanded.

"Who are you?" Cressealia questioned.

This goes a bit to fast, Cressealia knows about Froslass' skills? Shouldn't she be surprised becase of the intruder(that's what Glaceon is in this situation I guess).

"Um, I am Glaceon. I have no home nor' no family, and I have no idea who I really am. The only thing I know is my name, and I have no home." Glaceon explained sadly.

"and I have no home." Can be deleted as Glaceon already told that she has no home, but if you would leave the sentence like that you should use a , before 'and'.

The 'I am' can also be I'm. The sentence "I have no home nor' no family" should be "I have no home or family"
Again, in my opinion, this flows better, and sounds better.

Also it is akward that Glaceon explains her situation to some strangers, it would be better for her to tell only her name first, and then let Cressealia(or Froslass) ask more information.

Also think about giving Glaceon a real name, instead of just Glaceon.

"Hmm… Froslass, I think she should come with me." Cressealia replied to her friend.

This sentence sounds weird to, why would Cressealia decide in a split-second to take Glaceon with her, she should at least think about it.

"What???" Froslass asked surprised, "B-But Cressealia, you can't do this! You aren't her mother!" Froslass stammered.

I added surprised to this sentence(I guess Froslass is), it shows a bit more emotion then just 'asked'. 'are not' Can be 'aren't', but that's just a suggestion

"I know that, but since she has no home I might as well take her with me. I'm gonna need help anyway, when I go to the cave of origin."

My added things are in bold, 'help' replaces 'back up', because help is better suited in this situation.

"Well, I guess I better tell you then." Cressealia began, "Glaceon, the world is falling apart little by little. Humans may not know it, but when they do it will be too late. Chaos is engulfing the world. I felt this just a few days ago,

last night when I was asleep a voice spoke to me calling himself the original one. He told me everything that was happening, and he told me to find other pokemon if the world is to be saved. He, however, didn't mention who they were. Instead he told me that to find them I need to come to the cave of origin. The path to the mountain is far and I can't do it alone/on myself. I believe that you have to come with me so I can find the other chosen pokemon."

Again the things I added/changed are in bold.

"But how does this involve me?" Glaceon asked.

I deleted the comma

"I don't know yet, but I think that you are somehow connected to this quest (somehow)." Cressealia answered, "Therefore I need you to come with me."

Froslass turned her icy blue eyes to Glaceon then to Cressealia.

Added/ changed stuff in bold, and see how I put a empty line between what Cressealia said, and the reaction from Froslass.

"Cressealia, if you must do this… go ahead. I won't stop you. If the world is to be saved I believe you and Glaceon can do it." She replied.

In this sentence 'She' instead of 'Froslass' would do better.

"Good-bye Froslass." Cresselia said, "Come with me Glaceon."

More added/changed stuff in bold.

"Um, How far is the mountain away from here." Glaceon asked.

For should be far I think, also, though, there is nothing wrong with this sentence I think you could make it 'flow' better.

"Oh, great." Glaceon replied.

So Cressealia and Glaceon began to walk towards the tall mountain and Glaceon couldn't help but wonder if she could finally know who she was.

Again start a new paragraph for each character talking, or when you start describing after talking. Also you could change this sentence a bit to make it 'flow, and sound better.

That was the grammar/nagging part :P, nor for my opinion on the story self.

Overall this is a pretty decent story, with great potential. The story could use more, and better description. I still don't know what Glaceon's personality is, or what the setting looked like.

For future chapters, try to make them longer, about 4 pages in word. This should be pretty easy, cause when start describing more your chapter gets longer eventually.

Though this wasn't the best I ever read, it wasn't by far the worst, so keep writing ;).

One last note, I'll try to review the second chapter as soon as possible.

This really is my last note(sorry for nagging :P) don't post more then one chapter a day, you will probably loose most of your writers if you post your chapter quickly after each other.

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

You're getting better at this, mew ,darkrai , shaymin.
The story seems pretty interesting, but try to make the chapters longer. I'd rather wait for a long, good quality chapter than read chapter after chapter of poor-quality writing.
Also, try to fix up your grammar and spelling. It's Cresselia, not Cressealia.
As Merata said, try to add more detail.
Apart from that, it's pretty good. Just do what we've suggested and it'll be even better but don't use any excuses.