[Pokémon] The Crimson League

[bobandbill]

Guys, make sure your reviews (or rather, posts here) are constructive - one-liners saying 'I can't wait' or 'I need to catch up!' doesn't really say anything about the story and furthermore is against the fanfic rules. Mention say a couple of things you liked in particular and/or why you liked the story, for instance, but what's going on here atm doesn't cut it.

Anyways Impo, overall you have a neat story going here, certainly. The writing flows nicely. The progression is smooth and you write the events well - the battle scene also seems to have improved some as well. I rather liked the forest obstacle course event as well, which showed some neat ideas such as the sleep powder and whirlwind combination. =)

There some stuff to fix here and there, but here's what I found upon my quick read-through:

He had received his first pokemon at the age of ten, it was a Slakoth from his father.

Watch for continuing a sentence too much like so (a run-on sentence in other words) - no need for a comma after ten when starting a new sentence there would fit better with the current wording used (i.e. '...age of ten. It was a...'), or say rewording to '...at the age of ten - a Slakoth, from his father.' for as-is it reads awkwardly.

It turns out it is actually a knock-out tournament, and the boasts about prizes were not over exaggerated. The first prize winner would receive a chance to face-off in a battle against the Sinnoh Champion; Cynthia, and based on their skills, will receive a place as the Crimson League Elite and a cash prize of 10,000 dollars.

Watch for tense confusion - you have for instance is (present) and were (past) in the one sentence and more conflictions in that paragraph, for instance (would and will).

"Sure thing, sweety," his mother now adding the diced carrots into a simmering pot.

Another awkward-sounding sentence here, with the part following the dialogue sounding like it is missing a couple of words. (Say, 'sweety," his mother said, now adding/currently adding...').

"I can't forget those." Impo retrieved his belt and siphoned it through the straps on his
pants, placing six pokeballs in each of the holders.

There's still some instances were it seemed you hit enter in the wrong moment, like here (after 'on his'). It kinda disrupts and looks odd, so watch out for that.

All looked the same, with and odd trunk with yellow spots and two club shaped branches.

an, and club-shaped.

Annoyed at the fact that he didn't realize something seemingly obvious, Impo cautiously waited to see what
the three Sudowoodo would do.

Another case of enter being hit in the middle of a sentence here (after 'see what').

Starmie's core began to glow dimmer as it was hit with the Energy Ball, it was thrown backwards but was not knocked out.

Another case of what seems to be you trying to merge two sentences together with a comma which doesn't really work (it sounds awkward when you read it aloud).

"I hope this doesn't count as my break..." She stared blankly as she thought about losing her 'hard-earned' break, "I'm Abby by the way, nice to meet you."

Comma after break should be a full stop there, as you would treat the dialogue at the end as its own sentence.

"I'm Impo," the two shook hands as a formal greeting, then they stationed themselves on opposite sides of the field.

And here the sentence following 'I'm Impo' doesn't flow on from it (it doesn't talk about how he said it or anything, but instead talks about them shaking hands), and so I would change the comma to a full stop and the to The there (I'm Impo." The two...).

Slaking had surprised its' opponents with it's speed and power.

Still have to watch out for using it's/its - here in both cases the correct one to use would be its, as you're twice referring to Slaking's power and opponents. its' shouldn't be used, and it's mans it has/it is.

"You better not have got my uniform dirty!" Warned Abby, as she withdrew another fainted pokemon, "You did great, Ninetales."

As mentioned from that PM before, Warned should be warned as that sentence does flow on from the dialogue, but 'You did great...' is again a different sentence, and hence the comma before it should really be a full stop.

Gengar had a sinister grin on it's face as the third round of the battle started.

its over it's here.

"No! Azumarill!" Abby wept as she recalled her last pokemon, "But how?"

And like other instances, full stop over the comma here.

"Thank you. I almost thought I was gonna lose, you were pretty good with your pokemon." Impo said, trying to cheer Abby up, who blushed and smiled modestly.

As 'Impo said, ...' flows on from the dialogue and reads as one sentence with it, treat it as such and hence change the full stop there to a comma.

"Yeah, well, come back to my desk so I can register you." Abby said, noticing the aftermath of their battle, "gosh, I hope no-one notices."

See above - and should be '...their battle. "Gosh, I hope...'.

"Only the blind people won't." Impo joked.

Change to a comma.

This stranger had skinny features and glasses, almost like a
stereotypical nerd. Except he looked rather angry as he faced Abby as she returned to her desk.

I would change 'except' to 'However,' here - just seems to fit better.

"A problem? Yes, as a matter of fact there is." The teenager replied in a surprisingly calm voice, as it looked like he was about to explode. "I have been waiting for the receptionist to finish her break for the past hour, doesn't
that seem like a extended break?"

full stop after 'there is' should be a comma, and another case of enter being hit in the middle of a sentence there too.

"Oh, that's just another trainer, turns out he only wanted to know when the trials started." Abby breathed out heavily, wondering why people got flustered over the most simplest things.

I would make a new sentence at 'another trainer' there as it sounds like Abby is saying a run-on sentence there. (The sentence after the dialogue can be treated as both a new sentence or the same with the dialogue actually though, heh).

"Okay. So here's your number, keep this safe as it's how we identify participants." Abby said, handing a plastic card to Impo. Impo glance at his card, he was number forty-two.

Full stop should be a comma, and the comma after 'card' does not really work as it just creates an awkward pause there - say a hyphen or a new sentence would work better. Also, glance should be glanced (tenses).

The food arrived shortly after Impo and Abby witnessed Slaking strip a bush bare of all it's Oran Berries.

its over it's.

"Quick, we'll be late!" He said, running into the garden of the restaurant

he over He.

There
were many hopeful trainers here, all sporting different pokemon. Impo recognized the guy from the Abby's desk with an Alakazam.

Enter in the middle of the sentence thing here again.

Therefore, in order to make sure the best are placed in the tournament we have organized a little... trail... shall we say.

trial.

"Now, I expect you all know your numbers. When yours is called out please stand behind me with your
partner. All right," he started to go down the list. "Number one, line up here with fourteen."

Change the comma at the end of the dialogue to a full stop, add in the full stop after 'the list', and note the spacing in the middle of the sentence.

"Now, you number and what pokemon are you using?"

your over you.

"I'm twelve and Mijumaru is my pokemon!" As number twelve stated his pokemon, everyone who heard it scratched their heads. They were all trying to think of a pokemon who had that name.

It is," and with that he released his 'Mijumaru' from his pokeball. Everyone gasped as this unknown pokemon nervously straightened the shell on its' stomach nervously.

"You see, I'm from Isshu, and this was my first pokemon."

Note that it now has an english name (Oshawott) as does the region (Unova), so you might as well edit all instance of those Japanese names then. =p

The pokemon was light blue, dark blue and white. It appeared to be a water pokemon. It had a circular head with a big dark orange nose, and speckles on its' cheeks. Mijumaru had a pale blue torso with a pale yellow sea shell attached to it's center. It had no digits on it's hands, which appeared to be rounded. Its' feet had flipper-like toes with a dark blue colour. Mijumaru also had a plank like tail, also dark blue.

plank like should be plank-like, firstly... and its over its'. Also note that here (although the beginning of the description was quite good) the description is too listy, not helped by most of the sentences having a very similar length and starting with It/Its - it gives it a repetitive feel and makes it sound like an extended list of points about it rather than description within a story.

"Hello! My name is Juri." Number twelve officially introduced himself.

"And then set up some obstacles to slow every else down." Juri finished his ideas, which Impo thought were actually pretty smart.

Should be a comma in both instances of bolded full stops, and 'number' there.

She giggled at here last words and pointed to the boy with an Alakazam.

her.

Slaking began to pick it's snout-like nose, much to the dismay of Abby's Gardevior. Abby's Gardevior tried to remove Slaking's fingers from it's nostrils without much success, and Slaking yawned and Gardevior finally sighed and gave up

its over it's in both instances, and the sentence felt that it was continued a touch too much with the 'and it yawned and it gave a sigh and gave up' aspect going there - could be worded better, I feel.

"Mr. Mime, use Theif."

Thief.
All in all it is good - just have to watch out for the (often) consistent mistakes, such as the use of commas/full stops (especially around dialogue), and tenses.

 

[Impo]

thanks for the review :)
sometimes my online spell checker doesn't pick up stuff,
and then my grammar's not that good :P .

I'm taking a short break from writing, as it's school holidays, but i will write again soon :)

 

[Impo]

Chapter 5

The Thief, Part 1 (featuring Mirimaju and Dark Pulse of PC)

Impo had a great sleep. It was when he woke up he screamed. After getting dressed and showering he realised he had lost his ribbon.

"No! This can't be happening!" Impo screamed, tearing his spacious hotel room apart.

He checked the pocket's of his pants and opened all of the drawers. Kneeling on the floor he checked under his bed and nightstand. He began crawling on all fours looking for a hint of red on the cream carpet. After hopeless after hopeless attempts to recover the ribbon, Impo admitted he lost his precious ribbon and grumpily sat on his bed. He was fuming with anger, throwing his spare pokeballs against the wall. Impo's tantrum was interrupted by a knock on the door.

Impo slowly opened the door, realising the noise he made and hoping he wasn't going to be ridiculed. He answered the door, seeing Abby in her work uniform. She had a forced smile, but upon seeing Impo she relaxed a little.

"Oh, hey Impo." Abby smiled, noticing the mess upon his floor. "Is something wrong? There have been complaints about the noise."

"Uhhhh, sorry. I kinda lost my ribbon from the trials," Impo admitted sheepishly.

"Is that all?" Abby said cheerily, "just come to my desk and I can issue you a new one."

"Oh..." Impo said, quietly. He followed Abby out the door, scanning the surface of his room one more time before locking it with his room key.

Abby led Impo back down to the lobby. Juri was waiting at Abby's desk. He was waiting patiently but anxiously with his Mijumaru, tapping his fingernails on the wooden desk. As he saw Abby approach he walked up to her.

"Miss, my ribbon was stolen!" He wailed, burying his face in his hands.

"...Really? Well, I lost mine," Impo said, trying to comfort his trail partner.

"Hmmmm... you to were partners, right?" Abby inquired, walking around her desk and sitting in her chair.

"Yes."

"Well, maybe someone has stolen both of the ribbons. Stealing just one would be odd, as the other partner would notice something fishy." Abby began to scan down the list of people who had passed the trails.

"Well, what do we do?" Impo asked, he wasn't letting some thief steal his chances of glory.

"That's simple. We just need to find the people who stole our ribbons and take them back." Juri said, stating the obvious.

"Okay Juri. Tell me who they are. Point them out for us." Impo said, agitated by his statement.

Juri scanned the lobby. After a minute of Impo and Abby staring blankly at him, he looked back at them cluelessly.

"Maybe if we set a trap, that way the people we want will come to us?" Juri said, tired of staring at people in the lobby.

"....That's actually a good idea. Abby, can you help us?" Impo said, turning to face Abby, who was typing furiously on her computer.

"Done!" She said happily, smiling at Impo and Juri. "You guys know how the date of the next meeting to discuss your opponents were on the back of the ribbons, right? Well, I've just sent a message to all the legitimate owners of the ribbons saying there was a typo, and that the real date is two hours after the one mentioned. I've also notified my parents, so the meeting goes as planned, just later."

"Awesome!" Juri and Impo exclaimed. Impo didn't bother mentioning that he hadn't even checked the back of his ribbon, just the front. He thought it was a little embarrassing.

"Ummm... when is the meeting being held?" Impo asked, twiddling his thumbs.

"The real one is now at noon, and the trap is at ten o'clock. I suggest you go now, as it's half past nine. I have to stay here. I think dad's a little angry at our battle the other day, so I have to be careful with my actions." Abby said.

"Let's go, Impo. The meeting was meant to be held on the field outside, so we should head there now."

"Okay."
Impo and Juri ran outside the crimson building, and headed for the unoccupied area of the field. It was opposite the side to Impo and Abby's battle. Impo could tell as the ground was still healing from it's beating.

"Now we wait." Juri said, sitting on the grass. He began to draw circles with a stray leaf as Impo stood up, waiting for two people to show with their ribbons.

Impo and Juri didn't need to wait long. Less than ten minutes had passed and there was a man walking up to them. Juri stood up and they both turned to face the approaching person. Impo didn't remember this person as a winner, and by the look on his face Juri didn't either. The man approached them, and produced to red ribbons from his coat pocket.

"I'm guessing you want these back? Not a chance," The man grinned menacingly. This man appeared to be in his twenties. He had very pale skin and black hair, covering half his face. His clothes were gray and black, not a hint of colour was on him. Impo immediately thought this man represented an 'emo'.

"We earned those fair and square! We're getting them back no matter what!" Impo said, angrily. He released his whole party onto the battlefield.

"Let's go! Impo!" Juri released his whole party as well. The man didn't flinch, or retreat at the sight of twelve pokemon closing in on him.

Impo quickly thought this problem would be solved in a matter of seconds. He stared at all their pokemon. Juri had another pokemon he didn't know of, it was like a grass monkey. He also had a Heracross, an Absol, an Ampharos, an Arcanine and his Mijumaru. Impo stood over his pokemon (Starmie, Roserade, Infernape, Slaking, Gengar and Metagross) and waited to see his opponent's reaction.

"Humph. You're no match for Pulse! The Double Battle King!" Pulse reached for only two pokeballs and released them from their restraints.

A Mr. Mime and Absol appeared from their pokeballs. They both looked pale for some reason, and weren't smiling or showing any signs of happiness.

"Absol, use Perish Song!" Pulse's Absol sang a piercing song, emitting black song notes from its' mouth. The dull song notes charged to the twelve pokemon of Juri and Impo, and circled around them.

"Mr. Mime, Barrier!" Pulse's Mr. Mime conjured beams of light from its' fingertips, and created a box around their opponents. Impo recognized the attack Perish Song, and quickly tried to withdraw his pokemon.

"Starmie, Slaking, Everyone! Return!" Impo tried to withdraw his pokemon, but the barrier Mr. Mime created kept the pokemon in play.

The twelve pokemon stared confused at the music notes surrounding them, the eerie notes emitting the song from Absol's mouth, even though Absol has his mouth closed. Impo and Juri gasped as all twelve of their pokemon fainted. Juri fought back tears and Impo tried not to scream out in anger and frustration.

"Humph, you don't deserve to be in the trials. Me, the double battle king failed to gain a position in the top eight." Pulse said, explaining his reasons for stealing the ribbons. "Yet a two children, one with a little scrawny pokemon were one of the fastest to run the forest. It disgusts me. Mr. Mime, finish them off."

----

A little short, i'm sorry.
i hope you like it :)

 

[Dark Pulse94]

nice!

Loved it! Especially the arrogance of my character!

although, you said there were 16 pokemon when you and Juri released your pokemon (the first time) - so you may want to change that...

 

[Impo]

where, i don't see it ;)
it says twelve ;)

 

[bobandbill]

Hmm, there's still the same consistent errors appearing - be sure to watch out for them and fix them throughout the full chapter - for instance at the beginning punctuation in dialogue was done right but you then reverted back to the old, incorrect methods. Such mistakes just distract from the writing and story itself.

He checked the pocket's of his pants and opened all of the drawers. Kneeling on the floor he checked under his bed and nightstand. He began crawling on all fours looking for a hint of red on the cream carpet. After hopeless after hopeless attempts to recover the ribbon, Impo admitted he lost his precious ribbon and grumpily sat on his bed. He was fuming with anger, throwing his spare pokeballs against the wall.

pockets rather than pocket's (the latter implies he's checking something that belongs to the pockets), and the bolded part makes little sense too (would be better as either 'After hopeless attempts' or 'Despite hopeless after hopeless attempt' - despite over the first After as otherwise it sounds a bit odd, and singular attempt over attempts as well seems to fit better - you're still taking about multiple then rather than implying it's multiple attempts after multiple attempts which just sounds a bit odd).

I also feel you could have showed us more that he's annoyed and all rather than telling us information - e.g. 'he was fuming with anger' - it's a bit redundant when you then say that he throws objects around the room which shows us that he's angry already without outright telling us that piece of info.

"Miss, my ribbon was stolen!" He wailed, burying his face in his hands.

he rather than He as the sentence follows the dialogue and continues it, hence you ought to treat it and the dialogue as one sentence rather than two.

"Hmmmm... you to were partners, right?" Abby inquired, walking around her desk and sitting in her chair.

two.

"Well, what do we do?" Impo asked, he wasn't letting some thief steal his chances of glory.

Run-on sentence - I'd split the part after 'asked' either into a new sentence or use say a hyphen to continue the sentence instead of a comma.

"That's simple. We just need to find the people who stole our ribbons and take them back." Juri said, stating the obvious.

"Okay Juri. Tell me who they are. Point them out for us." Impo said, agitated by his statement.

See above. =p

"Done!" She said happily, smiling at Impo and Juri. "You guys know how the date of the next meeting to discuss your opponents were on the back of the ribbons, right?

she over she... also I assume that the opponents themselves aren't mentioned on that ribbon given they only received the ribbons before everyone else who qualified had finished.

I think dad's a little angry at our battle the other day, so I have to be careful with my actions." Abby said.

Change that full stop to a comma as the sentence is continued after the dialogue.

"Okay."
Impo and Juri ran outside the crimson building, and headed for the unoccupied area of the field. It was opposite the side to Impo and Abby's battle. Impo could tell as the ground was still healing from it's beating.

"Now we wait." Juri said, sitting on the grass.

Another line space could b put in-between "Okay." and the following line, its over it's (possessive rather than it is) and change that full stop to a comma as the sentence is continued after the dialogue.

"I'm guessing you want these back? Not a chance," The man grinned menacingly

the over The.

Juri had another pokemon he didn't know of, it was like a grass monkey.

I'll now raise my concern that the battle seemed a bit rush - here you suddenly mention that 'it was like a grass monkey' which doesn't really tell us much and is a bit of a lazy description that seems to be tacked onto the sentence (making it a run-on sentence somewhat with the comma continuing it).

"Mr. Mime, Barrier!" Pulse's Mr. Mime conjured beams of light from its' fingertips, and created a box around their opponents. Impo recognized the attack Perish Song, and quickly tried to withdraw his pokemon.

its over its' - the latter is not valid.

"Starmie, Slaking, Everyone! Return!" Impo tried to withdraw his pokemon, but the barrier Mr. Mime created kept the pokemon in play.

The twelve pokemon stared confused at the music notes surrounding them, the eerie notes emitting the song from Absol's mouth, even though Absol has his mouth closed. Impo and Juri gasped as all twelve of their pokemon fainted. Juri fought back tears and Impo tried not to scream out in anger and frustration.

Now, this seemed a bit too rushed here - firstly, perish song typically takes a long while canonically to take effect (three turns after all), and given for instance that Infernape knew Brick Break and yet Impo did not in this chapter think to use it despite using it in the previous one struck me as hard to believe, especially with all of them fainting so quickly. That and although Mr Mime might arguably not be affected by Perish Song due to the ability Soundproof I think it can have, the Absol should have fainted because Perish Song also affects the user. It just seemed to fall rather flat for me and I feel hence that the battle was rushed in the writing - make sure to take your time to consider such aspects.

"Humph, you don't deserve to be in the trials. Me, the double battle king failed to gain a position in the top eight." Pulse said, explaining his reasons for stealing the ribbons. "Yet a two children, one with a little scrawny pokemon were one of the fastest to run the forest. It disgusts me. Mr. Mime, finish them off."

Note the comma should be there in place of the full stop, the 2nd bolded part (', explaining....the ribbons.') is redundant as he just did that in the dialogue so that could be deleted, and the last part suggests to me the 'a' is not needed.

It was not a bad start to the chapter, certainly - I liked the dialogue - but the 2nd half was not as enjoyable to read as other parts of the story thus far, to be honest.

 

[Impo]

yeah, i thought something was off in my writing.
and those errors are frustrating, as i have been using a grammar checker and i haven't found ones that are of quality.

i'll start triple-checking.

As for the poor story, i plan to make up with a battle. my bad

 

[Nimblethumbs]

Oh, i can't wait to read the next one.

I feel pulse should be described indepth, focusing more on his personality matching upwith his pokemon's. Are they all as merciless/annoying as him?

 

[miltankRancher]

bobandbill pointed out everything I saw in the first chapters. The flow of the story is nice, though the latest is a little bit fast for my taste. I agree with bobandbill that Perish song, while in-game, is described to take three turns I think, takes quite a while normally. And, I presume that Impo is a competitive trainer, he probably knew that he still has three or few turns to take out Pulse's pokemon. Since 12 against 2 is really an easy battle.

I like how you named this arrogant trainer. Pulse. Kind of, rolls off the tongue. And it seems like a code name.

4/5. Thumbs up. :)

 

[Impo]

bobandbill pointed out everything I saw in the first chapters. The flow of the story is nice, though the latest is a little bit fast for my taste. I agree with bobandbill that Perish song, while in-game, is described to take three turns I think, takes quite a while normally. And, I presume that Impo is a competitive trainer, he probably knew that he still has three or few turns to take out Pulse's pokemon. Since 12 against 2 is really an easy battle.

I like how you named this arrogant trainer. Pulse. Kind of, rolls off the tongue. And it seems like a code name.

4/5. Thumbs up. :)

Thank you :) .
Yes, I mucked up alot on the last one, I'm planning to make up for it.
And I tried to make all Juri and Impo's Pokemon unable to move for the duration of Perish Song, so Pulse trapped them in Mr. Mime's barrier.

And Pulse is after Dark Pulse94 :)

and to Nimblethumbs, I shall ;)
Just gotta find out how...

 

[Dark Pulse94]

Yes, I am Pulse, although I am not supposed to own a Mr. Mime...

my character is not truly evil, just will go to any means to get what he wants (and is not based on me)

 

[miltankRancher]

Thank you :) .
Yes, I mucked up alot on the last one, I'm planning to make up for it.
And I tried to make all Juri and Impo's Pokemon unable to move for the duration of Perish Song, so Pulse trapped them in Mr. Mime's barrier.

And Pulse is after Dark Pulse94 :)

and to Nimblethumbs, I shall ;)
Just gotta find out how...

You should just have chosen a dusclops, for a mean look. more mencaing. anyway, i hope to see more of pulse. seems like a very nice character to me. juts don't let him be the "classic rival" that seems too evil to be human. :) put human feelings toa human character.

 

[Dark Pulse94]

You should just have chosen a dusclops,

you mean Dusknoir?

yeah, my team was meant to be: Absol, Weavile (which learns thief), Dusknoir, Metagross, Gliscor and Garchomp