[Pokémon] The Harrowing Adventures of Dave

[PikaPikachu]

Well heres my first ever story. I'll try to keep everything all nice and whatnot and I'd very much enjoy advice.

Chapters
Chapter 1: Wouldn't You Like to Know (right below)
Chapter 2: Secrets Revealed

This is rated PG-13, I think

The Harrowing Adventures of Dave​

Wouldn't You Like to Know​

Dave rose out of his tent. He was dressed in a pair of brown corduroy pants (because honestly what feels better?) and a plain navy shirt. He stood at around five foot seven inches with messy dirt brown hair. His deep blue eyes were comparable to the waves of Route 21.

Alongside of him was he companion, an Eevee. Now this Eevee was unlike any other. It had a nickname. Dave called him Graham. Now Graham looked like any other Eevee and was really different in no way other than his nickname. Graham has been traveling alongside Dave for as long as he has been alive.

Dave was on a mission. Not only did he want to be the very best like no one ever was, he was after the criminals that had captured his parents. His journey started in the small town of Pallet Town. Dave, however, had no idea where he was going so he decided to stop at the famous home of Professor Oak.

Dave knocked on the door of what he thought was Oak's house. When a woman had he answered the door he was in shock.

"Hello may I help you, young sir?" she had answered the door while wiping her hands in an apron, suggesting she had either murdered someone or baked a fresh batch of cookies.

"Uh, yeah I'm looking for Professor Oak. You seen him?" scratching his head.

"Oh yes actually I have but unfortunately he's on a trip to Goldenrod. Wait let me get my son he might be able to help, ASH!" she had turned into the house calling out his name.

A man, about as tall as the woman, came to the door. He was wearing a pair of jeans (idiot Dave presumed), a white t-shirt, a red jacket, and topped off with a red hat. "Whats up?" he greeted Dave.

"I was looking for Oak."

"He's in Goldenrod, but I'm sure I can help a little."

"I wanna be a Pokemon Master and to train them is my cause."

"I know that story! I did it once, in every region. But regardless of how good I am, I can help. Here's a map and it'll tell you where to get all the badges."

"Well thanks, I guess I'm off and will never see you again."

Dave left the house of the cookie baker and her son and set off on his adventure. He traveled through Route 1 and surprisingly only saw people, no Pokemon. However the people he say had given him tremendous advice. He passed through the Route unharmed, let alone unseen.

He had reached the first town on his quest, Viridian City. This city was pretty much like all the other cities in Kanto, a Pokemon Center, a Mart, a Gym, and a few residential homes. Dave began to travel through the city looking for anything interesting, he had found a school. He walked up to the school and read its sign (all buildings have signs describing their purpose) 'Trainer School: Youngsters learn the ropes.'

"Now that's a great idea Graham, let us do it!" Dave was standing pointing off into the distance trying to create a dramatic effect while Graham just walked up to the door. Dave entered the building to learn how he could become a master trainer.

 

[PikaPikachu]

To all readers (and non-readers) if theres anything better i can do with the format of the posts please inform me

 

[bobandbill]

Not a bad start with this story - you have some idea of a plot going on and there's a few bits there which amused - always nice to see some comedy - but there stands to be some improvement to be made, I feel. Main points I feel you could work on would be description and proof-reading for mistakes - although you don't necessary need to for a light parody, IMO improving that alone would make the story far more enjoyable... but let's get to quoting stuff, shall we?

The Harrowing Adventures of Dave​

Wouldn't You Like to Know​

Heh, amusing titles there...but yes, I would like to know. ;P

Dave rose out of his tent. He was dressed in a pair of brown corduroy pants (because honestly, what feels better?) and a plain navy shirt. He stood at around five foot seven inches with messy dirt brown hair. His deep blue eyes were comparable to the waves of Route 21.

Firstly, I believe 'dirt brown' would be better as 'dirt-brown', and a comma could go behind 'honestly' there, for a pause that sounds like should be there when read. The third sentence sounds a bit awkward as well, with the information moving from his height to hair - perhaps add in something after 'seven inches' to link the two parts of the sentence more smoothly...

You've given us a decent idea of what he looks, but more could be done here. Firstly, the description is listy - you tell us he has these clothes, his height, hair colour and eye colour (I'll add that although it is easy to tell you mean the sea with Route 21 and all, it sounds a bit odd in the way it's said - only a few paragraphs later we get confirmation that he does live near there...). It makes it feel less of a story that way and just more just a detailed list, and along with that nothing is happening while you tell us these facts.

A better way to convey these facts would be to spread them out, and in doing that expanding the beginning. Rather than telling us all of this facts in one go, have him do something at the same time (say, dressing himself up, or trying to comb that messy, dirt-brown hair of his. Maybe later he'd then look at the ocean (if he's by there) during which you can mention the fact the colour of it (route 21's sea and hence you'd also mention Route 21 and at the sam time tell us he lives near there) matches his eye colour. By doing this, you'd expand the opening and give it more substance, and be able to keep the story moving while giving us details about him and killing off that listy feel you have at the moment. We'd then be able to know more about th setting as well.

Alongside of him was he companion, an Eevee. Now this Eevee was unlike any other. It had a nickname. Dave called him Graham. Now Graham looked like any other Eevee and was really different in no way other than his nickname. Graham has been traveling alongside Dave for as long as he has been alive.

That 'he' should be 'his', and travelling in the vague chance you are not using the American English (if you are, it's fine as it is). =)

The joke was amusing here, I have to say. XD Would this be a jab at the typical 'special starter' things some fics may have? However, some expansion may help add to the delivery of the joke and make it more funny... say building up to it having a nickname by first describing the rest of it being normal and exaggerating a bit more (e.g. This Eevee was unlike any other in the entire world. Sure, it has the same amount of legs, eyes, ears and lasers as....(etc, etc)). Just a suggestion.

Dave was on a mission. Not only did he want to be the very best like no one ever was, he was after the criminals that had captured his parents. His journey started in the small town of Pallet Town. Dave, however, had no idea where he was going so he decided to stop at the famous home of Professor Oak.

Amusing theme song references aside, this was also given a bit quickly, and could be reworked into the previous parts (so you're giving the plot along with description of the character/actions - e.g. he walks to Prof Oak's house, while he thinks about his parents and so forth). Informing us of these facts along with actions keeps the story moving and improves the flow.

In addition, consider showing us more about Dave as well. We know what he looks like... but we don't know much else. For instance, how he feels about the whole matter with his parents, his personality, etc. Be sure though than to say 'Dave was angry at the fact his parents were kidnapped. He was an arrogant child', for example's sake, show use these facts - such as showing us his thoughts or an action by him that would indicate to us his feelings about his parents being kidnapped. If he was arrogant, have him act so to people, in the manner he walks about, etc instead of saying so. I'd suggest showing some of his thoughts - it's a handy way to do some of the above if you don't just have him say the facts bluntly, and will let us know more about Dave.

Dave knocked on the door of what he thought was Oak's house. When a woman had he answered the door he was in shock.

The second sentence there sounds...odd there (the first he seems unnecessary there for instance, along with adding a comma after 'door' for a pause'). Also consider showing us his shock rather than telling us he was in shock - say, a gasp, and/or a step back, and him answering her in a quivering voice - that way you inform us that he was in shock, but in a much more interesting way. This'd also open up some room for more comedy in humorous descriptions/actions as well, by the way.

"Hello may I help you, young sir?" she had answered the door while wiping her hands in an apron, suggesting she had either murdered someone or baked a fresh batch of cookies.

Capital S for that 'she' there as the sentence reads as if it starts from there, rather than it being conjoined with the dialogue. Also maybe on instead of in? Interesting possibility there though - murder, or cookies? Or a murder for cookies? (Although how blood is involved with the mere cooking of cookies I cannot say...) =/

"Uh, yeah I'm looking for Professor Oak. You seen him?" scratching his head.

You'll need more before 'scratching his head' there - jumping into that is just incorrect. For instance, '...You see him?" he said uncertainly, scratching his head.' would do it, or something to that effect anyways.

"Oh yes actually I have but unfortunately he's on a trip to Goldenrod. Wait let me get my son he might be able to help, ASH!" she had turned into the house calling out his name.

The dialogue reads a little too fast - if you read out loud it feels even more so. Try adding in some pauses to the speech with commas, hyphens, ellipses, etc to match how it would sound like when spoken (e.g. "Oh yes... actually, I have, but unfortunately he's on a trip to Goldenrod. Wait - let me.... (etc)). Turn that 'she' to She as per two quotes ago, and the word 'had' doesn't seem needed there - you could do without it.

A man, about as tall as the woman, came to the door. He was wearing a pair of jeans (idiot Dave presumed), a white t-shirt, a red jacket, and topped off with a red hat. "Whats up?" he greeted Dave.

What's, rather than Whats.

The listing here is not so bad in this case as Ash is, according to Dave, never going to show up again - it's less important to describe everything and everything about short-lived characters and the like, but nonetheless it wouldn't hurt to either negate to tell us the clothes he wears (after all, we all know what Ash wears - Ash is on of those characters), or doing a more smooth job of it (..g when mentioning his red cap, maybe he adjusts it when he sees Dave - that'd mix in a (small) action with the description and already liven it up - small things like make a difference).

With the fourth-wall-breaking narration, it's decent as it is, although if you have it be sure to continue with it, and maybe consider expanding on it as well - make us of that device there for added comedy in future chapters.

"Well thanks, I guess I'm off and will never see you again."

XD The line sounds a bit off and could b reworded, but amusing all the same.

Dave left the house of the cookie baker and her son and set off on his adventure. He traveled through Route 1 and surprisingly only saw people, no Pokemon. However the people he say had given him tremendous advice. He passed through the Route unharmed, let alone unseen.

This flt a bit rushed, tbh - IMO I'd feel your story would benefit from slowing down and making more use out of those comedic opportunities there, or giving more time to set things up such as plot, or Dave's character. Maybe give some instances of what the people he passes by shout at him and use that for comedy, for instance? As is though, it just reads like you're in an awful rush to get to the end, and doesn't make for terribly exciting reading - what is there is vague and can easily use some expansion.

Generally you could apply the same stuff above to the rest - my suggestion is to re-look at this chapter and expand it - go wild and make use of what you can to make jokes - you've already made some decent ones, and it'd be nice to see more. =) That, and also look at improving the description of Dave and his character, etc so we know more about him, the setting, etc. By showing us details with actions and events, the list-like feel will disappear, the flow will improve and the writing will improve.

With the plot, I'm unsure as to why exactly Dave is on his journey to be a master along with saving his parents - more details on that would be good to see as well. How does Dave feel about this, for instance? Any specific reason as to why? (Or would he be just wanting to because, darn, it's the Pokemon world and that's what everyone did in your portrayal of it?) Does he know who kidnapped his parents and/or why? Without those, it's just seems like it's tacked on, and seems too vague. As with the description of Dave, etc, expand on this as well, I suggest, so we the readers have more of an idea what is going on. At the moment it seems too bare and rushed, but the above would go a long way to help fix that.

But overall you do show promise and some of the jokes there did earn a chuckle. I feel with some additions this could really be a neat read. Spend some time editing and planning, and maybe try reading a few fics around here to give you a better idea. (There's also some guides about the section, and if you want you can get a Beta Reader for your fic as well - basically someone who checks the story before you submit it to the forums - check it out if you're curious). Hope this was of help to you... Good luck with your story. =)

 

[Alter Ego]

You know, there is an important rule to fanfic writing that is being ignored here.

Don't tell; show.

(or 'Show; don't tell.' if you prefer)

As it currently stands, I am told that the main character is named Dave, I am told that he has en Eevee called Graham, and I am told that his parents have been kidnapped, I am then told that he gets directions from Ash and makes it over to Viridian without really encountering anyone or anything important on the way, but none of this is ever shown to me.

The problem? These things are all told to me and then never brought up again. Dave does not introduce himself or his Eevee to anyone, I do not get to know anything about what he learned on that route, and above all no-one either knows or cares about two people being abducted and Dave doesn't even consider that fact worth mentioning. Nor do we get to find out how and from where he obtained that Eevee (a rare and coveted pokémon to begin with), why he was sleeping in a tent, or any indication of who his parents are and why we should care that they have been abducted when even Dave himself doesn't seem the least bit affected by all of this.

Add that to the fact that nothing short of character appearance is graced with any kind of description and I'm just really left without any reason to care. I know nothing about your main character or his pokémon, nothing about these parents of his, and nothing about how he's even going about his alleged 'mission' (which apparently takes a backseat to the whole pokémon training thing, again indicating that he doesn't seem to care much about his parents), nor am I left with any kind of expectations as to what is to come. What's worse, your characters all speak in the same, impersonal manner, which further adds to the complete and utter lack of difference between any two people in this fanfic and they show such utter indifference towards everything that has happened or might happen in this story that it gives me even less reason to care myself.

Just...describe; don't just say 'x happened', describe it as it does, give details, give us reactions from your characters. Just what does Dave know about this abduction? What is his plan for tracking down this criminal and what does he know about them? Why is nobody else the least bit concerned about what happened? Where did that Eevee come from again and how did he get into that tent and why? Heck, how did he even get that Eevee if we don't even have Oak around to dispense it? As it currently stands, it's like playing the first generation pokémon games without color or music with a no encounters code on and virtually all dialogue boxes fast-forwarded so they can't be read. That...isn't particularly entertaining or involving.

Just...show rather than tell. That's pretty much the big change that needs to happen here.

Incidentally, if you look at the anime, the manga, or even just the games, nicknaming your pokémon is hardly exceptional, so I don't quite get the tangent about how that makes the eevee special.

 

[PikaPikachu]

Secrets Revealed​

Graham led the way into the academy. Rather than esthetically following Dave took a second and thought. All at once it had come back to him. He now vividly remembered the stories his father would tell him as a youth (because child seems, well childish). The images of his father battling through each gym became pictures instilled into his head. The crafty descriptions of the Pokemon that were encountered, and also of the tales of the eccentric people met along the way, an epiphany of sorts for Dave. Since the disappearance of his parents, he could remember only little about them. Finally he had begun to think that there was a little hope in saving them.

Graham had already made it to the main hall while Dave was standing back at the entrance thinking. He had stopped and began to panic as Dave was no where to be found. The absence of Dave was a new concept for Graham. Ever since hatching Graham has seen Dave with him. Graham ancestral line traced back to the once noble Eevee kings of a place that is non-existent, but Graham sure let the royalty rush to his head. Dave's father once told Dave of a breeder that he while in Celadon City. This breeder was very set off from others since he strictly dealt in breeding with Eevees. Dave had specifically remembered the battle.

'. . . I was leaving Celadon after beating Ashley (the Celadon gym leader at the time, also of the grass type) I had noticed someone dressed in black running out of the city holding a what looked like a Pokemon. Normally I would have just ignored it but another person was chasing after him pointing and yelling. I figured that this man in black had done something to the other man so I decided to investigate. I followed the two up to the gate where the man in black had entered while the other stayed outside. He told me that the other fellow was from a evil team named Team Rocket and they had stolen his prized Eevee and he had asked that if I could help in safely returning it. I then rushed into the gate and found the Team Rocket man. At first I had tried to talk him out of stealing Eevee but he wouldn't budge and then tried to attack me. He sent out a bull Pokemon with silver horns and three silver dots down its face, it also had three waving tails (for those that cant get this description I'll help out a little, it was a Tauros). I then sent out trust ol' Larry (his father's Blastoise). Larry quickly took down the bull with a few bubblebeams. I had defeated this Rocket and returned the Eevee. In return the other man had given me an egg. He said that this would prove to hatch an exceptional Pokemon since its parents (a Jolteon and Vaporeon) were both former members of the Elite Four. And that's the story of how I got Graham.'

Dave was interrupted from his memory by a young male with slick red hair, who had bumped into him ad he rushed into the academy. Dave finally came to and had realized that Graham was no where to be found. He suddenly became short of breath and began to shake. He rushed in the academy pushing people aside from his path. Graham was sitting in the lobby of the academy as Dave had rushed past him. Graham's left eyebrow had risen as he got up and began to follow Dave. Dave had continued to push through the building moving everything out of his way (adults, lights, small children, baby strollers, rare vases, etc.). He had made his way back to the buildings lobby. He was still short of breath.

One of the academies janitors had come up to Dave, "Hey son, are you alright?"

"No, no I'm horrible. I can't find my Eevee."

"Well here, let's have you sit down while I go get some help to look for it."

Dave sat down and quickly buried his face into his hands. 'I can't believe it. The one thing I have left from dad and it's gone.' He thought as his hands began to dampen. Suddenly there was a small brush against his leg. He slowly moved away his hands, wiping his face in the process. He jumped up and grabbed Graham.

"Thank Mewtwo you're alright!" Graham had begun to lick his face in the reunion. "Now don't ever leave me again."

The buildings interior had now come into focus as he noticed lobby was just like any other, couches with small tables filled with old magazines in between them. He strolled to the main desk.

"Ya can I help you?" The receptionist inquired without lifting her eyes from her magazine.

"Uh, I wanna, uh take a beginners class."

"Fill in the form." She handed Dave a clipboard with a dozen sheets attached to it.

"All this?!"

"Hey honey I don't make the forms I just hand 'em out." Dave began to move his lips but no words came out and he just decided to go and sit down and fill out the twelve page form instead of fighting it.