The Incredibly actiony Story!!!!!

[Glaceon Frost]

There was a Glaceon, and her name was Lasukya. Lasukya lived at the top of Mount Coronet.
One day, while Lasukya was sleeping in her den, a big roar came from outside.


GROOOOOOOOOHH!
That definently shook her up
"Who what when where why how!?" she exclaimed.
Her den was crumbling so Lasukya got OUT of there.
When she got out, Lasukya saw Dialga.
It looked at her for a second and then looked in contempt at the humans, who were talking gibberish (it sounded like it to her). Lasukya foolishly walked out into the middle of Spear Pillar, where an Empoleon was battling a Honchkrow. Honchkrow, with a Dark Pulse, KO'd Empoleon.
For some reason, Lasukya used Ice Shard on Honchkrow-and then the battle begun. Honchkrow used Wing Attack but Lasukya froze the wing with Ice Beam. After a long, intense battle, Honchkrow finally went down.


I will write Chapter 2 later.

 

[I Laugh at your Misfortune!]

Before you write chapter two, you need to add a few things.

1, Description - What exactly does Lasukya look like? Is she identical to all Glaceon? Or does she have some small differences? What is her den like? What does a Dark Pulse look like? Description can make a story a lot more enjoyable, and will give your story some much needed length.

2, Length - This isn't a chapter. A good chapter should be at least 700 words in length, though that's a bit arbitrary. Really, the word count isn't important as long as enough happens. To be honest, nothing has really happened so far. Lusakya got up, went out, saw dialga and battled a Honchkrow. The problem is, none of this means anything to us be cause you haven't told us any detail about what's going on.

3, Don't ever use formatting to get across the point of shouting. Capslock is plenty, it doesn't need to be four times bigger than normal and bolded as well.

 

[OokamiShipper]

It's very creative! But yeah, I Laugh at your Misfortune covered most of the things you need to fix. It's short; needs a bit more and just a bit vague. But all and all, it's good.

 

[Giratina ♀]

I Laugh At Your Misfortune has covered most of the problems with this story, but there's some more I would really like to point out:

First. Assuming this takes place at just about the only time that Dialga, an Empoleon, a Honchkrow, and a bunch of humans could ever possibly be at the Spear Pillar at the same time, shouldn't Dialga be seriously ticked off at that point? You should really pay a bit more attentin to the characters' emotions, and how they will act under the influence of these emotions (or lack thereof...).

Second. The 'battle' between Lasukya and Honchkrow did not seem at all long or intense. If you're going to try to convey to the reader that it was, in fact, a long and intense battle, write out a long, intense battle. A few sentences showing about a range of one move per Pokemon doesn't get the message across that it was a long and intense battle. It gets the message across that you are probably a lazy writer, which I highly dount you are since you posted something here in the first place.

Third. There is really no need to explain things outside of the story, or skip over it with a 'and then something happened for a really long time'. Your introduction - assuming that's what it was - didn't seem like an introduction to me. It seemed like one of those little blobs of text you put before you start a story. Try to make it a little less like an eight-year-old was summarizing it and more like an actual book was presenting it.

BOTTOM LINE: Intresting setting. Not-so-intresting everything else.

 

[Glaceon Frost]

Before I write more:
Yes, Lasukya is EXACTLY like May's or somebody's (basically anyones).
Her den is a hole in a huge rock.
Dialga was ticked, and it was a tremendously loud roar, I couldn't put it "roar"!

Dialga stomped angrily, which caused every being there to be flung up into the air.
Then, it got much, much, worse. Palkia was gliding down on his wing-like body parts, crashing into Dialga. Palkia used Spacial Rend, and Dialga used Roar of Time. Palkia Aqua Tail'd Dialga, who responded with Dragon Claw. Lasukya watched them fight. The two evenly matched deities didn't seem to be tiring out. But out of nowhere came Giratina-and Lasukya had somehow gotten on its back!
Now the battle was REALLY heating up. The many moves of Dialga, Palkia, and Giratina crashed together time after time. Poor Lasukya was gettting tossed about everywhere. Suddenly, Palkia's Aqua Tail smashed into Giratina, which slammed Lasukya into Dialga with so much force it knocked him over. When Dialga went down, you could hear the crash all over Sinnoh. "RRRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Dialga was furious. "WHY DID YOU STOP ME?????!!!!"
"I-it wasn't my fault," Lasukya stammered. "It was Palkia's."

 

[Astinus]

o_o

You really should listen to the reviewers who took their time to help you with your story. Your chapter is still incredibly short, and lacking in description, which your reviewers told you how to fix. Yet your most recent chapter didn't show any improvement.

If you really want to post your story, you should take more time to write whatever it is that you're posting. Don't quickly write something up and then post it right away. Actually take some time to work on your chapter. When you do post something, and if people review, take their advice, especially if it'll help you improve your writing.

Closed for not meeting the standards of PFF&P.