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The Joke Thread

machinegun777

    • 359
    Posts
    19
    Years
    • Age 31
    • Ohio
    • Seen Jun 1, 2012
    Okay, post here you favorite joke.

    I'll post mine(this was made by somebody in my health class):

    _________________________________________________

    Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's one pirate ship ahead!
    Captin: Okay, give me my red shirt.

    Later on:

    Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's two pirate ships ahead!
    Captin: Okay, give me my red shirt.

    Later on:

    Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's three pirate ships ahead!
    Captin: Okay, give me my red shirt.
    Lookout: Captin, why do you ask always for your red shirt?
    Captin: So if I die you guys won't know if I'm dead and will not worry.

    Later on:

    Lookout: Captin, Captin, there's twenty pirate ships ahead!
    Captin: Okay, give me my brown pants.
     
    Poland sent its top team of scientists to attend the international science convention, where all the countries of the world gathered to compare their scientific achievements and plans. The scientists listened to the United States describe how they were another step closer to a cure for cancer, and the Russians were preparing a space ship to go to Saturn, and Germany was inventing a car that runs on water. Soon, it was the Polish scientists' turn to speak. "Well, we are preparing a space ship to fly to the sun." This, of course was met with much ridicule. They were asked how they planned to deal with the sun's extreme heat. "Simple, we're going at night!"

    ***Adult jokes kinda sorta***
    A Polish and an Italian are hunting in the woods. Suddenly a naked woman appears. The Italian says, "Boy, I could eat her!..." The Polish guy shot her.

    Why wasn't Christ born in Poland?
    Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
    ***End adult jokes***
     
    o_o; Just remember people, keep the jokes rated at the most PG...We don't want anything with vulgar context...
     
    I'm practically a walking joke book IRL
    What's a blonde's first words after 4 years of college?
    Would you like fries with that?

    You're so poor, when I walked through your front door, I was already in your backyard.

    Yo mama's so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application.

    Your head has so much dandruff that it snows in July.
     
    Eliana said:
    o_o; Just remember people, keep the jokes rated at the most PG...We don't want anything with vulgar context...
    Click to expand...


    My jokes weren't even that adult-ish. Besides, I gave a friggen warning in case some big baby didn't want to read them.
     
    Be that as it may, you still have to keep it clean. >_> That's in the rules, y'know. They apply to you, too.
     
    There was this atheist walking through the forest. Eventually, he was running for his life because a bear was after him. He stopped and the bear was about to do his blow and the atheist was like "God, help me!" and then God froze time and said: "You have been an atheist all of your life, why are you asking me now? I will help you if you believe in me!"
    The atheist pondered this and went: "That'd be a bit hypocritical of me so could you just make the bear a Christian instead?"
    So time began again and just as the bear was about to take a crack at him he stopped, bowed, closed his eyes and said "Lord for what I am about to receive please make me humble."

    Alot of these are funny Microsoft story-jokes:
    https://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/BillGates.html
    https://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/MSJoke1.html
    https://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/MSJoke2.html
    https://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/MSJoke3.html
    https://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/win_is_virus.html
    https://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/JesusVsWin95.html
    https://www.cs.bgu.ac.il/~omri/Humor/Win95Name.html

    Yeah. I didn't make any, unforunately.

    Or if you count: 'The word "Microsoft" with "Is Good" followed straight after doesn't work unless it ends with "For Nothing" or a negative.' as a joke because I wrote that. :p
     
    I have to clean some jokes up for them to be posted........well, here's one.

    If 2 is a couple and 3 is a crowd then whats 4 and 5?


    9

    XD
     
    Kylie-chan said:
    Be that as it may, you still have to keep it clean. >_> That's in the rules, y'know. They apply to you, too.
    Click to expand...

    I HAVE kept it clean. Jesus, I COULD have put far worse jokes, dude. Chill out.
     
    Two dumb hunters are out in the woods when one of them starts grabbing his chest. The other one quickly takes out his cell phone and dials 911. The operator says "Sir, does he look dead to you?" There was a pause on the hunter's line, and then a gun shot. Then the hunter says "Okay, now what?"

    That's a classic...XD
     
    Here's another one.

    Why did the fly fly?

    Cause the Spider Spied her.

    BARREL O' LAUGHS!!!! XD
     
    Knock knock
    Who's there?
    Me
    Me who?
    YOUR BEST FRIEND! NOW OPEN THE DOOR, IT'S FREEZING OUT HERE!
     
    Here's a funny saying I read from a joke book.

    "War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left."
     
    Person 1: Do you know what beer stands for?
    Person 2: I don't know, what?
    Person 1: How would I know? I was just curious.
     
    Invader Pichu said:
    I HAVE kept it clean. Jesus, I COULD have put far worse jokes, dude. Chill out.
    Click to expand...
    She isn't a dude... XD

    Anyway, here is a lame joke that my friend told me that I find funny.

    Why did the man climb to roof?
    To get the sausage.

    XD

    Lame but funny.

    The humour comes from the stupidness of the joke.
     
    Last edited:
    Kylie-chan said:
    Be that as it may, you still have to keep it clean. >_> That's in the rules, y'know.
    Click to expand...
    No it isn't.

    On-topic: Three men walked into a bar. Ouch.
     
    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Knock knock!
    Who's there?
    Knock knock!
    Get off my property!

    He, he, he. I made that one. My friend kept saying knock knock so after about five times I got annoyed and went "Get off my property!" XD

    I knew this good one of screwing in a lightbulbs and flies but it wouldn't be G material.

    Another:
    There were these two nuns driving down Pensylvainia and then a vampire jumps in front of their car. So the one that was driving told the nun sitting next to her "Show him your cross" so the second nun rolled down the window and shouted "GET OFF THE ROAD!!!"
     
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